dman8888
Jul 9, 2021, 6:00 PM
I'm probably worrying too much, but she's my universe and I'm afraid she's on a path that could end badly. The act of writing it all down reduced my threat level from marriage-ender to high-friction-event; I don't think there's really a danger of splitting up over this, any more, but there could be some tense times for a while.
Reading the preview, this sounds pretty one-sided. Please understand that I give as much as she wants, whatever she wants, any way she wants it, pretty much any where she wants it, and find that very fulfilling, and she says she has no complaints at all about what she's getting or how often.
The Quick and Dirty:
I've been out to her for years, but no playing with others allowed. I have and use toys to simulate bottoming and have been uncomfortable talking to her because sex feels like work already for her (we're over 50, after all), but she also feels inadequate because I want to explore something she can't do. We talked and I fucked up that last part. I tried to fix it and that didn't help at all. We're going to have another conversation this weekend, and I think a full reboot on the inadequacy thing is the way to go - flat out say that in addition to her satisfying me in every way a woman can with her natural parts already, she could satisfy the rest with a strap-on and a lifelike dildo. Thoughts?
Background: (scroll to skip to The Now - can't figure out how to do anchors in BBCode)
As some members know, my wife basically knew I was interested in MM action before I became "aware" and out to her some years ago. In hindsight, based on fantasies and such, I should have known much sooner. Anyway, initially she was very positive and encouraged me to find someone to explore with, but I demurred for a long time. A few years ago, a triggering event got me unsettled and I talked with her about exploring, again. She said sure, but when things started to get kind of real, she got scared I'd leave her for a guy and asked me not to continue. There's no way I'm risking our relationship, so no extra-marital play for DMan8, just toys, porn, and fantasies.
She was and for the most part seems to still be accepting of that set of desires, and I would very much like her to participate, such as by pegging. Heck, even using a remote for a vibe would be nice. But any time my interests come up, it gets awkward. It doesn't help that we're at an age where her drive just isn't even close to mine, so even vanilla sex starts to feel like work for her. Plus, being over 50, getting and/or keeping it up often is an issue. So adding the anal play requests to the existing sexual pressure just seems like a bad idea for a bunch of reasons. (Interestingly, she likes it if I hit her up for some action in the night. Some amazing blow jobs and other great sex have resulted from this.)
One factor in my awkwardness discussing things with her is a session we had not long after we talked about me being bi. It was New Year's Eve and we'd had a few glasses of bubbly and we wound up with her trying a dildo on me. It was spontaneous and I tried some on-the-spot preparation, but it got messy, and I didn't realize it until well into the session (it was fucking awesome on my end). I was hugely embarrassed and apologetic, but she said it was fine. Thing is, I know better than to take that at face value, so I have no idea where she really was with the experience. As a result of that happening, and based on some later discussions about various acts, I inferred or convinced myself that she wasn't interested in trying that again or otherwise participating in anal play with me.
When I started (discreetly) playing in earnest not long before the lockdown, not really satisfied with playing with what we had, I started amassing additional toys. I play mostly while alone in the house, though I often will keep a plug in after she gets home. If it's one with vibe, the vibe stays off if she's in earshot since I'm pretty sure all of them can be heard. The play wasn't a state secret, but I didn't exactly advertise it, either. I mean, she knew generally what I was up to, but didn't know any details or participate apart from suggesting I not keep plugs and lube in our medicine cabinet when she for some reason opened the thing despite it not being used for anything else. Actually, I might have left the door open after getting something out. Well, she knew things were afoot, anyway.
The Now (more or less):
Recently, like a month or two ago, I started using a couple of toys that were prone to odor retention, so I started using condoms to help with cleanup and odor. Not wanting her to think I was having guests in the house for sex, I told her what was up - that I was using the condoms for cleanup/odor control and not cheating on her. She seemed fine, understood why I told her, and like all was well.
Since then, we've had some frank discussions about us, our needs, and our state, and now it seems things are amiss. She told me she feels like she's not enough for me, and I didn't and don't know what to say to that. Honestly, isn't that why I got the toys? So I could explore those desires without breaking my promises and vows to her, without hurting her? What I told her was she's all the woman I can handle and that she's my world and love and she's fantastic in bed, but yeah, there are some things that I want that she can't do without attachments. That's the gist; I don't remember exactly how I worded it, but it was a tactful and gentle as I could think to do. Yeah, the last part was probably dumb, but I didn't want to lie to her.
Some days after that conversation, I tried working the pegging angle by suggesting that with the appropriate accessories, she could be all the man I could handle, too. But that backfired a day or two later when she told me I'd suggested she be more manly. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how two people who speak the same language can fuck up communication so badly on a routine basis.
So we're going to have another conversation this weekend. I'm thinking a reboot of the whole she-feels-inadequate conversation is needed, with less hedging about things I am uncomfortable bringing up and that I hope she's not uncomfortable discussing. That is, starting over with she is my universe and great in bed and fully satisfying in everything we do. Then add that the things I still want to do, she can do or at least help with. All we need is a harness and a lifelike strap-on, maybe even one that ejaculates and cum-imitating lube, and boom, I'm up to try anything she's up for. She can fuck me silly every which way, fill my mouth and ass and coat me with jizz, maybe even better than a man could. I just don't see her reacting well or being at all eager to do this since sex already feels like work to her. But at least it will be out there. Oh, God, maybe it would make it worse?
My worst fear is that she won't be able to get over it and won't participate and won't be happy with me continuing self-exploration, and that we'll wind up breaking up. But that's pretty unlikely given what we've already been through together and how we work through things.
Any thoughts are welcome. Please be gentle.
DMan8
Reading the preview, this sounds pretty one-sided. Please understand that I give as much as she wants, whatever she wants, any way she wants it, pretty much any where she wants it, and find that very fulfilling, and she says she has no complaints at all about what she's getting or how often.
The Quick and Dirty:
I've been out to her for years, but no playing with others allowed. I have and use toys to simulate bottoming and have been uncomfortable talking to her because sex feels like work already for her (we're over 50, after all), but she also feels inadequate because I want to explore something she can't do. We talked and I fucked up that last part. I tried to fix it and that didn't help at all. We're going to have another conversation this weekend, and I think a full reboot on the inadequacy thing is the way to go - flat out say that in addition to her satisfying me in every way a woman can with her natural parts already, she could satisfy the rest with a strap-on and a lifelike dildo. Thoughts?
Background: (scroll to skip to The Now - can't figure out how to do anchors in BBCode)
As some members know, my wife basically knew I was interested in MM action before I became "aware" and out to her some years ago. In hindsight, based on fantasies and such, I should have known much sooner. Anyway, initially she was very positive and encouraged me to find someone to explore with, but I demurred for a long time. A few years ago, a triggering event got me unsettled and I talked with her about exploring, again. She said sure, but when things started to get kind of real, she got scared I'd leave her for a guy and asked me not to continue. There's no way I'm risking our relationship, so no extra-marital play for DMan8, just toys, porn, and fantasies.
She was and for the most part seems to still be accepting of that set of desires, and I would very much like her to participate, such as by pegging. Heck, even using a remote for a vibe would be nice. But any time my interests come up, it gets awkward. It doesn't help that we're at an age where her drive just isn't even close to mine, so even vanilla sex starts to feel like work for her. Plus, being over 50, getting and/or keeping it up often is an issue. So adding the anal play requests to the existing sexual pressure just seems like a bad idea for a bunch of reasons. (Interestingly, she likes it if I hit her up for some action in the night. Some amazing blow jobs and other great sex have resulted from this.)
One factor in my awkwardness discussing things with her is a session we had not long after we talked about me being bi. It was New Year's Eve and we'd had a few glasses of bubbly and we wound up with her trying a dildo on me. It was spontaneous and I tried some on-the-spot preparation, but it got messy, and I didn't realize it until well into the session (it was fucking awesome on my end). I was hugely embarrassed and apologetic, but she said it was fine. Thing is, I know better than to take that at face value, so I have no idea where she really was with the experience. As a result of that happening, and based on some later discussions about various acts, I inferred or convinced myself that she wasn't interested in trying that again or otherwise participating in anal play with me.
When I started (discreetly) playing in earnest not long before the lockdown, not really satisfied with playing with what we had, I started amassing additional toys. I play mostly while alone in the house, though I often will keep a plug in after she gets home. If it's one with vibe, the vibe stays off if she's in earshot since I'm pretty sure all of them can be heard. The play wasn't a state secret, but I didn't exactly advertise it, either. I mean, she knew generally what I was up to, but didn't know any details or participate apart from suggesting I not keep plugs and lube in our medicine cabinet when she for some reason opened the thing despite it not being used for anything else. Actually, I might have left the door open after getting something out. Well, she knew things were afoot, anyway.
The Now (more or less):
Recently, like a month or two ago, I started using a couple of toys that were prone to odor retention, so I started using condoms to help with cleanup and odor. Not wanting her to think I was having guests in the house for sex, I told her what was up - that I was using the condoms for cleanup/odor control and not cheating on her. She seemed fine, understood why I told her, and like all was well.
Since then, we've had some frank discussions about us, our needs, and our state, and now it seems things are amiss. She told me she feels like she's not enough for me, and I didn't and don't know what to say to that. Honestly, isn't that why I got the toys? So I could explore those desires without breaking my promises and vows to her, without hurting her? What I told her was she's all the woman I can handle and that she's my world and love and she's fantastic in bed, but yeah, there are some things that I want that she can't do without attachments. That's the gist; I don't remember exactly how I worded it, but it was a tactful and gentle as I could think to do. Yeah, the last part was probably dumb, but I didn't want to lie to her.
Some days after that conversation, I tried working the pegging angle by suggesting that with the appropriate accessories, she could be all the man I could handle, too. But that backfired a day or two later when she told me I'd suggested she be more manly. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how two people who speak the same language can fuck up communication so badly on a routine basis.
So we're going to have another conversation this weekend. I'm thinking a reboot of the whole she-feels-inadequate conversation is needed, with less hedging about things I am uncomfortable bringing up and that I hope she's not uncomfortable discussing. That is, starting over with she is my universe and great in bed and fully satisfying in everything we do. Then add that the things I still want to do, she can do or at least help with. All we need is a harness and a lifelike strap-on, maybe even one that ejaculates and cum-imitating lube, and boom, I'm up to try anything she's up for. She can fuck me silly every which way, fill my mouth and ass and coat me with jizz, maybe even better than a man could. I just don't see her reacting well or being at all eager to do this since sex already feels like work to her. But at least it will be out there. Oh, God, maybe it would make it worse?
My worst fear is that she won't be able to get over it and won't participate and won't be happy with me continuing self-exploration, and that we'll wind up breaking up. But that's pretty unlikely given what we've already been through together and how we work through things.
Any thoughts are welcome. Please be gentle.
DMan8