internalized homo/biphobia

[DiamondDog]

how do you all deal with internalized homo/biphobia, besides just recognizing that it's there?

[Herbwoman39]

DD, could you be a little more specific? I'm not quite certain what you mean by "internalized biphobia"? Are you refering to self-hatred?

Sorry if this is a silly question.

[shameless agitator]

Never really been a problem for me, probably because I've been surrounded by GLBT folks my whole life so homophobia never had a chance to set in.

[DiamondDog]

Never really been a problem for me, probably because I've been surrounded by GLBT folks my whole life so homophobia never had a chance to set in.
I've also been around GLBT people my entire life but internalized homo/biphobia is more of something that we all carry around in varying ammounts that we get from living in a society where being heterosexual is seen as "normal".

This link kinda explains it, here are some questions that they asked bi/lesbian women that sort of explain internalized homo/biphobia, change the genders/questions to suit your orientation.

Anyone think that they could explain it better?

http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/ihpitems.html

Internalized Homophobia Scale Items
(Women's Version)

1. I have tried to stop being attracted to women in general.*
2. If someone offered me the chance to be completely heterosexual, I would accept the chance.*
3. I wish I weren't lesbian/bisexual.*
4. I feel that being lesbian/bisexual is a personal shortcoming for me.*
5. I would like to get professional help in order to change my sexual orientation from lesbian/bisexual to straight.*
6. I have tried to become more sexually attracted to men.
7. I often feel it best to avoid personal or social involvement with other lesbian/bisexual women.
8. I feel alienated from myself because of being lesbian/bisexual.
9. I wish that I could develop more erotic feelings about men.

Note. For male respondents, the terms lesbian, men, and women were changed to gay, women, and men, respectively.

*Items marked with an asterisk comprise the short-form IHP-5, which was reported at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association (Herek et al., 2000). The IHP-5 correlates highly with the 9-item IHP and appears to be more appropriate for administration to bisexuals and lesbians, as well as gay men. A report of results from research with the IHP-5 is currently being prepared for publication.

[bigregory]

I've also been around GLBT people my entire life but internalized homo/biphobia is more of something that we all carry around in varying ammounts that we get from living in a society where being heterosexual is seen as "normal".

This link kinda explains it, here are some questions that they asked bi/lesbian women that sort of explain internalized homo/biphobia, change the genders/questions to suit your orientation.

Anyone think that they could explain it better?

http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/ihpitems.html

Internalized Homophobia Scale Items
(Women's Version)

1. I have tried to stop being attracted to women in general.*
2. If someone offered me the chance to be completely heterosexual, I would accept the chance.*
3. I wish I weren't lesbian/bisexual.*
4. I feel that being lesbian/bisexual is a personal shortcoming for me.*
5. I would like to get professional help in order to change my sexual orientation from lesbian/bisexual to straight.*
6. I have tried to become more sexually attracted to men.
7. I often feel it best to avoid personal or social involvement with other lesbian/bisexual women.
8. I feel alienated from myself because of being lesbian/bisexual.
9. I wish that I could develop more erotic feelings about men.

Note. For male respondents, the terms lesbian, men, and women were changed to gay, women, and men, respectively.

*Items marked with an asterisk comprise the short-form IHP-5, which was reported at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association (Herek et al., 2000). The IHP-5 correlates highly with the 9-item IHP and appears to be more appropriate for administration to bisexuals and lesbians, as well as gay men. A report of results from research with the IHP-5 is currently being prepared for publication.
Answer no to any question and you go (st8) to electro-shock therapy..

[DiamondDog]

DD, could you be a little more specific? I'm not quite certain what you mean by "internalized biphobia"? Are you refering to self-hatred?

Sorry if this is a silly question.
it's not a silly question. :)

I guess it's more like internalized shame about being gay/bi/not het.

It's easier to see in examples or the way that people talk, I've written about some examples that I've seen.

A friend and I were chatting about it and he said how he carries a bit of it around since he knows he's gay and he's out to his family/close friends but he doesn't have any gay friends, gets worried that people in general will discover that he's gay and hate him for it, or he's lived with boyfriends before but at 49 he's not comfortable being "out" in all situations.

The same friend and I were chatting about bi guys that say that they're just "sexual" with men and he said how the idea that how lots of bi guys will have sex with a guy on the down low or whatever but won't date/live with a guy and claim that they'd NEVER fall in love with a guy how that could be a form of it. Or the whole idea that some bi (and even some gay men) I've been told will have sex with guys and then say how they won't kiss men.

The same friend and I were talking about a bi friend of ours that is probably a lot more into men than women and how he'll say how men's penises/bodies are gross and how he doesn't even like doing mutual masturbation with guys as sex but then he does it anyway. Or how the same friend feels that his attraction to women is fine but how his attraction to men is something to "get over".

Or ok, me and a male bi friend were at a party of this gay/bi male couple's house and the one guy said "I'm glad I was born in the middle of nowhere and not in a city so I became a man and not a femme queen", and my bi friend and I talked about how that's a sign of internalized homophobia since while he may not be femme he's ashamed of gay men that are naturally femme fabulous and proud of it.

You can see it a lot in het people, like even if they say that they're for GLBT rights they'll call people fags or dykes or act like it's SOOO gross when two guys kiss or even hold hands in public; but then don't understand why cruising/public sex can/does happen between men.

[shameless agitator]

Answer no to any question and you go (st8) to electro-shock therapy..Well, zap me. I said no to all of them

[matterinhand]

Before I acknowledged my bisexuality, i.e. I was doing things with men but rationalising it as getting relief from someone rather than no-one, I worked in an office in the centre of Manchester, right next to the gay village.

There were quite a few gay people worked in there, male and female, screaming queens to so butch you could strike a match on them, and about the only thing they shared was a dislike / hatred for bi's.

Yet some of them would brag about their 'zipless fucks', meeting someone and getting sexual gratification with no hang-ups, what we now call 'one night stands', not thinking about the fact that these anonymous partners might be leaving them and going home to loving hetero partners who had no idea of their sexuality.

Yes, in an ideal world we'd all fall in love (and be fallen in love with) whenever we had sex with anyone, but in the real world its not possible for everyone to be honest all the time.

But ,as the song says, "Everyones a little bit racist", maybe we're all a bit homo/heterophobic too?

[DiamondDog]

Well, zap me. I said no to all of them
so did I for the most part; but I gaurentee you that it wasn't always like that for me, you, or most queer people.

Most GLBT people when faced with their gender/sexuality during puberty/teenage time "choose" heterosexuality if given an option for forming a self decision/opinion about themselves, or put blinders onto how they really are. I am pretty sure that mostly everyone on this site has done this.

If our society were different there'd be no need for coming out, GLBT bars/clubs/organizations, pride marches, the HRC, this website, and other things.

But it's not; but that's what the above things I listed and what people like you and I, and almost everyone else here on this site strives to make the world a place where those things aren't needed. :)

[Tynary]

I'm not out yet. I know it would cause issues at school. I would be mocked, girls would aviod me (I prefer male friends and am the only girlin my year but nxt yr I wnt be) but that would make getting a gf near impossible and boys would not want to go out with me out of intimidation +looking gd in front of peers. only my close friends and mum and sis kno I'm bi but I dnt hate myself for being bi. I'm proud and I dnt think i should have to hide. I used to wish I would be a complete les for ease and less critism off gay community but kno i like being bi.

[smokey]

I ain't internalized nothing...to quote Popeye..."I yam what I yam!"

[Herbwoman39]

I know that there are parts of me that are biphobic. I was in denial for 30+ years. That HAS to leave some residual effect. Most days I'm content with my sexuality but at the same time there is a part of me that's stark raving terrified.

I'm out to friends and some immediate family (hubby and sons) but not my parents or siblings. My half-sisters are uber-Fundamentalist Christian. I'm terrified of being yelled at and judged by people I've tried to be accepted by. My oldest sister believes that such things can be exorcised out of people.

My mother actually LIKES Larry The Cable Guy and he's a huge gay-basher. Funny thing is, she used to go to gay bars with friends of hers. I don't have the vaguest notion how my father would feel about it. We don't discuss such things.

My neighbors don't know and I'm terrified to tell any of them because I have to LIVE here for the next two years. I remember what happened to Mathew Sheppard. I don't even know how safe I would be here if I came out.

I'm considering training for a concealed carry permit.

I put on an excellent front. That's what I do when I'm scared. I throw myself out in the middle doing volunteer work and going to events. But then I get scared and run back to the doorway of my closet.

Some days I think I have a revolving door on it :)

How do I deal with it? I come here. I cry. I talk to hubby. I curl up in a little ball and make myself as small as possible. Then when I'm done being frightened(for that moment) I pull myself up by my bootstraps and throw myself out there again knowing that every time I step out, I stay out longer than before and find new courage to tell one or two more people.

When I feel accepted, that part of me that used to feel shame is soothed and I learn that I CAN be me out in the world. I'm just taking baby steps.

[Chickpea]

Hello all true rainbow people. Bis encompass the whole spectrum - hooray! We're not limited to a black and white view of sexuality. That view is designed to create homo and biphobia. It is ingrained in our culture (I am British)

However, precisely because we are Bisexual people we cause a massive identity problem for heteros, lesbians and gays.

Let me elaborate a bit -internalised homo/biphobia is the result of two things I believe.

Firstly, mainstream society (for want of a better term) still marginalises and excludes gays and lesbians as being "other than them" even though there are lots of Bis, gays and lesbians pretending to be "mainstream".

Many will tell you that if you are not heterosexual then you are gay. There is a duality here, a sort of binary system of sexuality. Black and white.

For heteros Bis are really gays who haven't "crossed" over.

Secondly: Gays and lesbians exclude Bis as being "other" than them". We are not gay therefore we are not like them, and we get largely excluded. We only got representation at Manchester Pride this year.

Again a binary view of the world.

We present a huge challenge to any system which is binary. One powerful way for any group of people to reinforce their own identity is to EXCLUDE others. It is a particuarly nasty way of doing things. The Nazis did it. Communists did it.

But if they are really afraid that the beautiful Bisexual Rainbow People, who do exist, and are now shouting a bit louder about it, may really have truth on their side then they will struggle to retain their identity.

After all, if you identify yourself as NOT being gay or NOT being hetero, then Bisexuals can't really exist in their world view - if they do exist then they will have to re evaluate sexuality as their social construct, and they won't like that. Their identity is bound up in their "sexuality".

And heaven help any gays who have ever had hetero erotic fantasies or encounters, and for any heteros who may have an erotic thought about the same sex! I suppose they'll grow out of it...hee hee

Chickpea :flag3:

[izzfan]

Internalised homo/biphobia? I'm sure that there is some in me but then again I probably have lots of internalised hetero/transphobia too. I suppose that it probably showed itself when I with a bloke, we were lying next to each other and kissing and I was thinking 'I like this, this is great, it feels so natural to me... but no-one would approve of it, perhaps I should go with a woman?' so I guess that is some sort of internalised phobia. As for internalised transphobia, I am a bit of a TV/CD myself and I have always seemed to view this with a certain amount of self-loathing ... when I told a (male) partner about it he seemed to think that it was perfectly ok and normal and I kind of did a double-take and was very surprised (I mean most CD/TV ppl I've read about are in their 30s/40s so there are practically no 18-30 TV/CD ppl in my view ....I'd like a whole crowd of ppl to prove me wrong on that lol).
Finally, internalised heterophobia... this is probably the strongest of my 'phobias'... I used to look at kissing M/F couples with a real look of disdain (this kind of stopped after I started kissing boys... it seemed a little hypocritical to me to condemn kissing when I was kissing ppl too) and I would probably feel a lot more uneasy about having a partner of the opposite sex than of the same sex (but I do find women attractive though and I haven't totally dismissed the thought of a female partner).

As for dealing with internalised Bi/homo/trans/hetero phobia... I tend to find that 'coming out' helps quite a bit. If you have to hide your sexuality (by the way, I am mostly 'out' at university but only partially 'out' back home) then you tend to view it a lot more negatively than if you are open and honest about it. Also meeting other LGBT people (I've only met about 2 other bisexual people at uni so far) tends to help a lot.. although I have met gay ppl who are slightly biphobic, but this doesn't happen often and most of them seem quite accepting.

Izzfan

[miamiuu]

The only homophobia i have is when it comes to real feminine gay guys or guys that call each other things like girl or sister. I just dont understand how any man can behave like that. Part of the gay culture is a real scary and a bizarre thing to me. I went to a gay club a few hours the other week and there was some male dancer dressed up in a leather costume that looked like something out of mad max.