marriage advice

[UncutUndercover]

I don't really know if this is the place to turn for help. But...up untill a month ago I was happily married.
I'm still married and I want to continue to. She has been aware of my attention to men for the last 8 years of our almost 10 years of marriage. We've been doing what we can to help me manage without including a third person.
She wasn't open to that. That's fine. I know not everyone is good for that.

Over the last year she noticed me getting more depressed, her dad is in poor health and we haven't been able to visit. In short last year was very stressful.
I started really diving into podcasts and sending them to her to see what other people were doing in our situation. So hopefully we could collaborate and maybe find a support network for her.

She started warming up to the idea of me...dating...a guy we know. Who I had actually, kinda fallen for, but was keeping at arms length. She encouraged me to come out to him and express how I felt about it.
Which seemed to go well (January 2021) I was so nervous to come out. I've always kept this hidden for fear of repercussions. As well as complicating our marriage. I love her more than I love myself and didn't want to do anything to jeprodize us.
She helped him plan a date for me to fly out to see him. And as me and him got to talking, the things he shared I felt it might lead to us having sex. So I brought this up. So if it was a problem we could stop it before any actions were taken, any hearts were broken ect.

And it honestly felt like she was almost pushing me into the opportunity. (She had a trip planned to visit another friend of ours somewhere else around the same time) and all my concerns were dismissed.
And she kept making plans and being excited for me.

At the same time she was under alot of stress about her dad. We were buying a house with an inept realtor, and her job was being...draining.
She eventually works up the courage to admit she has feelings for the guy she's going to see.

Which is a bit of a shock to me. And then she starts saying how stressful it is dealing with me and feeling like she's living a lie. I freaked out a bit thinking she wanted me to come out of the closet. Which...with my family and where we live...it's just not good.

Then I start looking back at our messages in the context of her having feelings for this guy and I see she's been trying to tell me her reservations about...well. Me.

Every day after that got worse. A new rock bottom each day.

I honestly started to become suicidal at one point. I'm not proud of that.

She feels manipulated into this. Which I probably have been. I'm not as good at listening as I thought.
But I don't want to throw away 10 years of marriage. She agreed to go to a therapy session, only because I asked. And I feel like I'm the only one putting in effort
But I also can't give up. I won't give up.

I voulunteered to stop sleeping in the same bed. We sleep in different rooms now. And I offered to help her get an apartment. Which is hard, I love being around her and she's the light of my life. But if I'm the source of her pain and stress I understand that will help to heal.
Every day seems to slip farther away.

I'm all in on this.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to vent. I don't want to divorce. I..she's the only woman I've ever been attracted to. Or fallen in love with. And I keep falling for her every day. Even as she makes effort to scale us back.

I'm hurt and scared. I think I fucked up...

[chtampa]

I don't really know if this is the place to turn for help. But...up untill a month ago I was happily married.
I'm still married and I want to continue to. She has been aware of my attention to men for the last 8 years of our almost 10 years of marriage. We've been doing what we can to help me manage without including a third person.
She wasn't open to that. That's fine. I know not everyone is good for that.

Over the last year she noticed me getting more depressed, her dad is in poor health and we haven't been able to visit. In short last year was very stressful.
I started really diving into podcasts and sending them to her to see what other people were doing in our situation. So hopefully we could collaborate and maybe find a support network for her.

She started warming up to the idea of me...dating...a guy we know. Who I had actually, kinda fallen for, but was keeping at arms length. She encouraged me to come out to him and express how I felt about it.
Which seemed to go well (January 2021) I was so nervous to come out. I've always kept this hidden for fear of repercussions. As well as complicating our marriage. I love her more than I love myself and didn't want to do anything to jeprodize us.
She helped him plan a date for me to fly out to see him. And as me and him got to talking, the things he shared I felt it might lead to us having sex. So I brought this up. So if it was a problem we could stop it before any actions were taken, any hearts were broken ect.

And it honestly felt like she was almost pushing me into the opportunity. (She had a trip planned to visit another friend of ours somewhere else around the same time) and all my concerns were dismissed.
And she kept making plans and being excited for me.

At the same time she was under alot of stress about her dad. We were buying a house with an inept realtor, and her job was being...draining.
She eventually works up the courage to admit she has feelings for the guy she's going to see.

Which is a bit of a shock to me. And then she starts saying how stressful it is dealing with me and feeling like she's living a lie. I freaked out a bit thinking she wanted me to come out of the closet. Which...with my family and where we live...it's just not good.

Then I start looking back at our messages in the context of her having feelings for this guy and I see she's been trying to tell me her reservations about...well. Me.

Every day after that got worse. A new rock bottom each day.

I honestly started to become suicidal at one point. I'm not proud of that.

She feels manipulated into this. Which I probably have been. I'm not as good at listening as I thought.
But I don't want to throw away 10 years of marriage. She agreed to go to a therapy session, only because I asked. And I feel like I'm the only one putting in effort
But I also can't give up. I won't give up.

I voulunteered to stop sleeping in the same bed. We sleep in different rooms now. And I offered to help her get an apartment. Which is hard, I love being around her and she's the light of my life. But if I'm the source of her pain and stress I understand that will help to heal.
Every day seems to slip farther away.

I'm all in on this.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to vent. I don't want to divorce. I..she's the only woman I've ever been attracted to. Or fallen in love with. And I keep falling for her every day. Even as she makes effort to scale us back.

I'm hurt and scared. I think I fucked up...


I suggest that your confession of being "Bi" has given her an exit strategy to move on. It allowed her to cultivate outside interests for you and then her.

[Riderinthestorm]

I'm in agreement with chtampa here on this. Realizing that you are bi, to any degree, gives the most strictly hetero women a chance at an exit strategy for themselves while still allowing you to live your own truth.

I was in a relationship with a woman for a few years that was just like that, so I get it. In her case, our child made it harder for her to simply exit without doing some pretty evil things to me in the process. She went the evil route.

On the other hand, I have had women that not only encouraged my sexuality, but wallowed in it, joining in, bringing play partners for both of us home as well as encouraging me to find some male playmates on my own.

While you feel like you love her, it may just be that you have gotten comfortable with her in your life and she seems to want to exit as painlessly as possible.

I would suggest talking to her about that, honestly and ask her to be honest as well. If she is trying to exit, then if you are both straightforward about it all, then at least the split can be equitable and not harmful.

If she isn't trying to exit, then maybe talking honestly will allow you both to work things out and avoid the problems.

[Oborokybiman]

I don't really know if this is the place to turn for help. But...up untill a month ago I was happily married.
I'm still married and I want to continue to. She has been aware of my attention to men for the last 8 years of our almost 10 years of marriage. We've been doing what we can to help me manage without including a third person.
She wasn't open to that. That's fine. I know not everyone is good for that.

Over the last year she noticed me getting more depressed, her dad is in poor health and we haven't been able to visit. In short last year was very stressful.
I started really diving into podcasts and sending them to her to see what other people were doing in our situation. So hopefully we could collaborate and maybe find a support network for her.

She started warming up to the idea of me...dating...a guy we know. Who I had actually, kinda fallen for, but was keeping at arms length. She encouraged me to come out to him and express how I felt about it.
Which seemed to go well (January 2021) I was so nervous to come out. I've always kept this hidden for fear of repercussions. As well as complicating our marriage. I love her more than I love myself and didn't want to do anything to jeprodize us.
She helped him plan a date for me to fly out to see him. And as me and him got to talking, the things he shared I felt it might lead to us having sex. So I brought this up. So if it was a problem we could stop it before any actions were taken, any hearts were broken ect.

And it honestly felt like she was almost pushing me into the opportunity. (She had a trip planned to visit another friend of ours somewhere else around the same time) and all my concerns were dismissed.
And she kept making plans and being excited for me.

At the same time she was under alot of stress about her dad. We were buying a house with an inept realtor, and her job was being...draining.
She eventually works up the courage to admit she has feelings for the guy she's going to see.

Which is a bit of a shock to me. And then she starts saying how stressful it is dealing with me and feeling like she's living a lie. I freaked out a bit thinking she wanted me to come out of the closet. Which...with my family and where we live...it's just not good.

Then I start looking back at our messages in the context of her having feelings for this guy and I see she's been trying to tell me her reservations about...well. Me.

Every day after that got worse. A new rock bottom each day.

I honestly started to become suicidal at one point. I'm not proud of that.

She feels manipulated into this. Which I probably have been. I'm not as good at listening as I thought.
But I don't want to throw away 10 years of marriage. She agreed to go to a therapy session, only because I asked. And I feel like I'm the only one putting in effort
But I also can't give up. I won't give up.

I voulunteered to stop sleeping in the same bed. We sleep in different rooms now. And I offered to help her get an apartment. Which is hard, I love being around her and she's the light of my life. But if I'm the source of her pain and stress I understand that will help to heal.
Every day seems to slip farther away.

I'm all in on this.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to vent. I don't want to divorce. I..she's the only woman I've ever been attracted to. Or fallen in love with. And I keep falling for her every day. Even as she makes effort to scale us back.

I'm hurt and scared. I think I fucked up...

You didn’t screw up. Both Chtampa and Rideinthestorm are both correct. Your wife has other plans for her exclusively. She saw an opportunity to have her side ride and she really thought you were having your side ride. It’s completely different perspective. But she is using you to have her fun. It will be very difficult for her to see your side as she has taken advantage of it previous. It’s a thing all of us bi people have in common because it’s taboo to be bi and also against all things right.

[Cum1st]

You come across as a very loving sensitive guy. It shouldn't matter what we think.

[Leo Rabbit]

Hey UU,
I can totally relate because I'm going a variation on your story.

This past year has put a lot of pressure on people, in some cases we've been pushed together for longer than we're normally used to, and that sort of cabin fever is going to produce some backlash.

One thing that's helped us is we give each other space. Sounds like you're already doing that. Two days out of the week I am gone from home all day so she has the freedom of having the place to herself.

Another thing that has helped is getting very real in our conversations about who we are NOW, what we want NOW, what we need in each other NOW.

We ended up opening our marriage in order to give each other the ability to explore other relationships. This has helped a lot...though it was tricky getting here. Perhaps there's a possibility there for you two as well? We didn't want to throw in the towel on our 10 year marriage either. The majority of what we have together (and kids) is pretty good all things considered...so we didn't want to blow it all up in the process.

I say talk to her, let her know that you're interested in supporting her spending time with the guy she's seeing just as she's been supportive of your unfolding into your bi-side. Look into Polyamory or open relationships or swinging or the variety of other ways couples stay together and yet don't own each other. I'm hoping you two get to a good place.

[Christopher South]

I'm thinking that she had eyes on this guy for a while. She got deeper into him emotionally and then saw a way of having her cake and eat it by giving you your cake to eat. You admit that you weren't a good listener but I bet this guy was.

[KDaddy23]

Sometimes a wife who is looking for - or has - an outside interest will take advantage of finding out her hubby is bi... and telling him to go for it and under what I call the "goose and gander rule." By giving hubby permission to do his thing, that "automatically" gives her permission to do hers - a kind of exit strategy as previously mentioned. The question I would ask is: Does she want to divorce? I understand your point of view... but what is hers? Kinda hard to objectively give "advice" without knowing both sides of the story but, yeah, I understand how you're feeling about it and it doesn't feel good at all.

[UncutUndercover]

I really appreciate all the responses I've been getting. It helps to know I'm not alone.

[dan.woodlawn]

I am not convinced the BI thing is EXCLUSIVELY the issue. It might be a contributor, but as you laid out, its hard to define which is or isnt the primary culprit. I think its easy to blame the 'bi' thing, but that might be slighlty disingenious.

I have found in my friends, just being in the same house 24/7 has broken some relationships that were otherwise strong. So when you are layering in covid, jobs, sick dad, house, suicide...it becomes very hard to parse out the true culprit. It is very possible that those elements create the wedge, that constantly pushes you apart.

So if you want to get back to square one...tell her nothing is more important and that you want to salvage if you can. if she is willing to double down on marriage and recommit, then you have something to work with. if she is unwilling to come to the table, then your rational side needs an answer you might never get...because "all of them" might be true...some days it was covid, some days it was her dad, some days it was bi, some days it was the lure to a stranger whom she perceives to be a refuge...

For your emotional self...be a bit more forgiving...maybe you are a part of it, but not all of it...and perhaps you are a tiny part of it, and life is causing the emotional drift between you both. I find some people naturally absorp all of the blame like a sponge, while others repel any blame at all. find equilibrium between those two poles.

[notmacbi]

I'm missing something here. UU says he fell for another guy... How would that make any "partner" feel? If the tables were turned how would UU feel if his wife fell for another girl and wanted to pursue. Does UU have a great sexual relationship with his wife. I personally care more for giving my wife great sex, than me. My desires can be fulfilled with fantasy. This is just my perspective as I am totally in love with my Wife and my Life. I agree with others who believe UU's wife is rationalizing that she is giving him what he wants so she also gets to get what she wants. Real tough situation