NEED HELP!!

[nikkilee]

I have always had a deep, secret longing...but have been afraid to act on it.

I stumbled on this site a few days ago. I am surprised to find out that there are so many people like me.

I have been happily married for almost 11 years. I love my husband.

I just have a longing to be with another woman. I keep trying to ignore or suppress these feelings. I don't want to do anything that will mess up my marriage. He would not be supportive at all.

What do you suggest?

[meteast chick]

Nikki, this is a hard one. I went through this not long ago, and though it was not the only reason for it, I'm going through a divorce right now. If you truly believe it is something you NEED to do, you need to be honest with your husband. If this is merely something you WANT to do, you need to decide if it is worth ruining your marriage over. If this is truly a NEED, to deny it is to deny part of your own self, in my honest opinion.

I began questioning my sexuality in high school, and it was something my husband knew well about when we were together. I thought after being married and having kids (I have 2), that these feelings would subside, but not so. They only grew stronger, and one day, I couldn't deny them any longer. I didn't want a 3some, I didn't want a lover, I wanted another woman, I longed for it, I needed it, I wanted the love that he could no longer provide me, even though I love him still. It's a tricky situation. What are you looking for? Is it a sexual tryst to try to figure yourself out? This would scare any other significant other. Why would he be supportive if he might lose you to another? Does that make any sense?

If you want to talk further, leave me a message, hun.

Luv and kisses,
xoxoxoxoxo
meteast

[Herbwoman39]

I'm wondering why your husband would NOT support you? Is it fear of losing you? Is it religeous upbringing?

When a relationship is strong enough it can weather many things. When I first came out to my husband I was terrified that he would leave me or be very unsupportive. That turned out to be very nearly the opposite. He's my best supporter right now.

We talk a great deal. We talk about every aspect of how my bisexuality affects our relationship. His biggest fear was, and still is, that he'll end up like Ross in "Friends" and I will leave him for another woman.

So I reasure him over and over that I am not going anywhere. I'm not. I'm very happy with where I am. I have an amazing marriage to a wonderful man. He's just not quite ready to share me yet.

It's that "yet" that I'm hanging on to. I know that one day when he is comfortable and I find the right woman, it will happen. Until then, I practice gratiude. I am grateful for what I DO have.

Do I *want* to have my first full same sex encounter? oh YEAH! BUT not at the expense of losing everything that matters to me.

My suggestion is talk to your husband. Tell him what you're feeling. Ask him why he feels the way tat he does. Find out what his reasons are and find a compromise that you can both live with.

Maybe even start out with a simple bonding thing. Go to the mall, have a soda and girl-watch together.

Don't give up on an entire relationship because of what you think he'll say. Find out for certain.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

[nikkilee]

Thanks for the advice. As for "want" versus "need," I am going to do some soul searching. I am 37 years old and I have been fighting these "urges" since high school.

I love men. I love my husband. I love having sex with my husband. But, I am sexually attracted to women also. I don't foresee myself in a relationship with another women.

As for talking to my husband, he is a deacon in our church. While we have a very good sex life (at least 4 times a week), he is not much into anything "kinky".

I have tried to broach the subject by asking him to tell me about his fantasies. Many men fantasize about a threesome or about seeing two women together. He does not. He is very "straight laced". I was hoping that was one of his fantasies and I could satisfy my curiousity while fulfilling his fantasy.

I appreciate all the advice.

Thanks!!!

Nikki

[canuckotter]

The whole "want vs need" question comes up a lot. For some people, it really is just a want; for others, one gender or both is a need, and denying it is essentially celibacy -- and just look at the Catholics to see how that turns out! But different people have different levels of want and need, so that's something you need to figure out for yourself.

I don't advocate cheating, because it almost never seems to end well, but there may be other ways you can relieve the pressure without needing another woman. There's some good lesbian porn out there -- real lesbian porn, not straight-male-fantasy lesbian porn -- and that might help... There's always your imagination... Um... Yeah.

Personally, while I definitely want to have sex with a man, it's not a need for me. Since my wife has no interest in sharing me, I have to push away that want, which isn't particularly hard... but there are certain things that I have to do to relieve the pressure, every so often. Mainly, that involves hanging out on here talking to others. It puts everything into perspective for me and gives me an outlet. It works very well for me, but of course your situation is different so it might not help you at all.