Question for Bi Men in relationship with straight Female

[Marcia]

Hi guys,

I am a straight woman in a new relationship with a bi male. My question is when you guys are with your wife or girlfriend are you aroused by her or do you have to think of a man in order to get aroused. Obviously she is not enough for you all the time, but when you are making love just the two of you do you need to have thoughts of a man in order to perform? And do you always prefer to be with a man more than her?

Thanks guys in advance for your help.

[Jazminedress]

Hi guys,

I am a straight woman in a new relationship with a bi male. My question is when you guys are with your wife or girlfriend are you aroused by her or do you have to think of a man in order to get aroused. Obviously she is not enough for you all the time, but when you are making love just the two of you do you need to have thoughts of a man in order to perform? And do you always prefer to be with a man more than her?

Thanks guys in advance for your help.

Good questions...................

1) Do I have to think of a man - nope, I am bi, I am attracted to both

2) She is not enough for you all the time - I can see why people would think about that, and how that would come to be. But, at least in my case, not true. When you are with a man, do you need to think about another man ? It's the same thing. When I am with a woman, she is the only thing in front of me, and if I am with her, there is no need to think about anyone else, male or female. It's not about "Enough" (granted, whether hetero, homo, bi there are always people who want more or different, thats normal). Being Bi doesn't mean we have to have both, just simply a capacity for both

3) Do I prefer to be with a man - nope, again, it is I have the capacity for both. I also like brunette females, but if I am with a blonde I don't have a need for a brunette. I know it sounds silly, but yes, it really is like that.

Great questions, says a lot about you that you are trying to understand. But, Bi people are no different than anyone else. Some are cheaters, some are faithful. Some are happy with what's in front of them some look for the next bigger better deal.

Unfortunately, there is a belief, and I have encountered it before, is a misunderstanding. Many believe we are just overly horny and ready to have sex with whatever comes our way. Well, yeah, some people do, just like the hetero world, some don't.

I also can see maybe your side, I am almost guessing you have a concern of, can this guy be faithful to me, or do I need to worry every time he is around another guy alone. The answer, depends. If he is a faithful guy, he will be faithful no matter his orientation. If he is a player, he will be no matter what, sexuality has nothing to do with that.

Since you said it is a new relationship, and you already know, that's pretty amazing. Bi people face a lot of push back from the hetero community, and the gay community, many times we are not accepted by either for who we are, the fact he told you in a new relationship seems pretty positive..

Hey, at least he doesn't dress like me, that adds a whole other level of confusion

[MAcpl69]

Jazminedress that great insight, as usual. My wife and I have agreed to an open marriage for several reasons. One of them is the fact that we are soul mates, and as such we are deeply in love with each other. We have both mostly been in monogamous longer term relationships, and not that many. When I started to consider myself bi, I had a couple of Male encounters when I was young, she was supportive and we really started to open up to sex for fun and not love. The virus has stopped our desire to pursue recreational sex with other people but I'm positive I can trust her and she can as well. I hope you guys can work together and have fun

[Marcia]

Hi Jazminedress,

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate you. Yes, my concern is that he would cheat, that he would prefer a male to me, that he will someday say he's gay (nothing about gays, I actually love gay guys as friends and people) but being in my 50's don't want to waste my time on something that's not long term. Honestly, if you would have asked me if I would ever date a man that could be with another man my answer would have been HELL NO!!!!!! No disrespect for you guys, I love all people and the fact that you guys are so open on here with your sexuality is awesome. I am also afraid of AIDS too. I really like him and I don't want to just give up without giving it a chance. I can except that part of him but want to know that I am wanted sexually when it's just he and I in the moment.

Again thank you so much for answering. I am sure I will have more questions.

[demi_dame]

Good questions...................

1) Do I have to think of a man - nope, I am bi, I am attracted to both

2) She is not enough for you all the time - I can see why people would think about that, and how that would come to be. But, at least in my case, not true. When you are with a man, do you need to think about another man ? It's the same thing. When I am with a woman, she is the only thing in front of me, and if I am with her, there is no need to think about anyone else, male or female. It's not about "Enough" (granted, whether hetero, homo, bi there are always people who want more or different, thats normal). Being Bi doesn't mean we have to have both, just simply a capacity for both

3) Do I prefer to be with a man - nope, again, it is I have the capacity for both. I also like brunette females, but if I am with a blonde I don't have a need for a brunette. I know it sounds silly, but yes, it really is like that.

Great questions, says a lot about you that you are trying to understand. But, Bi people are no different than anyone else. Some are cheaters, some are faithful. Some are happy with what's in front of them some look for the next bigger better deal.

Unfortunately, there is a belief, and I have encountered it before, is a misunderstanding. Many believe we are just overly horny and ready to have sex with whatever comes our way. Well, yeah, some people do, just like the hetero world, some don't.

I also can see maybe your side, I am almost guessing you have a concern of, can this guy be faithful to me, or do I need to worry every time he is around another guy alone. The answer, depends. If he is a faithful guy, he will be faithful no matter his orientation. If he is a player, he will be no matter what, sexuality has nothing to do with that.

Since you said it is a new relationship, and you already know, that's pretty amazing. Bi people face a lot of push back from the hetero community, and the gay community, many times we are not accepted by either for who we are, the fact he told you in a new relationship seems pretty positive..

Hey, at least he doesn't dress like me, that adds a whole other level of confusion

This, this and more of this.

It also depends on how much of that side your guy has explored and understands about himself, which the two of you will only be able to ubderstand together by discussing it.
If it helps - I am also a straight female who has reconncted with an old friend these past few months, we are dating and he has come out to me as well. Truthfully? It's really no different than being with a stright male. Sure, he may be interested in other men sexually but like jazmine stated; that doesn't mean he is more likely to cheat on you. Or that they are going to be thinking of someone else while with you. That is more dependent on the person rather than their sexuality. If he is interested, and you are willing, there is always the option to peg him with a strap on. A little role-reversal can be fun ;)

If he is open to discussing things, you could simply to talk him about everything. I have been very open with my boyfriend, and he in turn has done the same with me. It has been easy for us both to just talk about things, not only that but since he is also re-discovering that aspect of himself he can also lean on me for support.

[Marcia]

Jazminedress that great insight, as usual. My wife and I have agreed to an open marriage for several reasons. One of them is the fact that we are soul mates, and as such we are deeply in love with each other. We have both mostly been in monogamous longer term relationships, and not that many. When I started to consider myself bi, I had a couple of Male encounters when I was young, she was supportive and we really started to open up to sex for fun and not love. The virus has stopped our desire to pursue recreational sex with other people but I'm positive I can trust her and she can as well. I hope you guys can work together and have fun
Hi Thank you so much for responding. When you say open marriage, what does that mean? Do you both do it with one other at the same time? or she has her fun on the side and visa versa?

[Marcia]

Hi Demi,

Thank you so much for relying.
I would love to be able to connect with you if possible. Are you planning on participating with him or are you both just being monogamous? I'm so sorry if too personal.
Thank you so much.

[Jazminedress]

Hi Jazminedress,

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate you. Yes, my concern is that he would cheat, that he would prefer a male to me, that he will someday say he's gay (nothing about gays, I actually love gay guys as friends and people) but being in my 50's don't want to waste my time on something that's not long term. Honestly, if you would have asked me if I would ever date a man that could be with another man my answer would have been HELL NO!!!!!! No disrespect for you guys, I love all people and the fact that you guys are so open on here with your sexuality is awesome. I am also afraid of AIDS too. I really like him and I don't want to just give up without giving it a chance. I can except that part of him but want to know that I am wanted sexually when it's just he and I in the moment.

Again thank you so much for answering. I am sure I will have more questions.

And all of that is very justifiable, I am 53 and lets face it, we don't have years to waste. AIDS 100% you should be concerned, many of us are. If you want a weird one, I have been seeing a guy who until a few months ago was completely straight, we started hanging out and it led to more

[MAcpl69]

What I mean is that we have agreed to allow each other to have sex with other people, we have some rules and we both agree they could change as we go forward. My wife is straight and is not comfortable with the group sex idea, although she's warming up to the thought of it. So if we where in a different situation (COVID) I think she would be looking to explore with a guy and by herself, me on the other hand am willing and anxious to explore all kinds of different sexual situations

[KDaddy23]

Those are all common perceptions some women have about bi guys. Time to have sex with the wife and all that's on my mind is her and what I'm gonna do. Is it "obvious" that she's not enough some of the time? No, I wouldn't say that since, at least for me, when I want some dick, she doesn't have one; otherwise, she can still hand my head to me in bed so, yeah, enough and more than enough. I've never had to have "dick on the brain" to have sex with a woman or to crank my engine up; she wants to have sex with me and I want to have sex - engine revved right and proper.

Guys have their own thoughts about this of course and I hope the information you gather here will be able to answer your questions.

[demi_dame]

Hi Demi,

Thank you so much for relying.
I would love to be able to connect with you if possible. Are you planning on participating with him or are you both just being monogamous? I'm so sorry if too personal.
Thank you so much.

Currently we are both monogamous, we talked it over and have little to no desire to include other partners. He enjoys the actual sexual acts and is fine with me using toys or doing a little role playing, what he wants most is someone he can trust and the fact I'm willing to find ways to pleasure him in that way means more to him than finding an additional partner.
If we wanted to include others we decided we would both have to approve of said partner plus have some other minor points we'd prefer be met. But neither of us are actively looking and don't particularly care to. If it happens, it happens. Otherwise oh well - we'll just have to get creative and see what else we can find to add to the fun.

For both of us, it's the trust and bond that is most important. Each couple is different but the best thing you can do is communicate.

[MAcpl69]

Each couple is different but the best thing you can do is communicate.[/QUOTE]
Absolutely! When you talk you find out about things you thought you knew. But if you understand the comment you heard has some interpretation to it and a question could reveal that you both didn't have a full understanding of each of your initial communications, that can lead to new adventures

[Marcia]

Hi Jasminedress,

No, we do not have years to waste for sure! Also I don't think that's weird, not anymore at least, lol. Plus, if you guys are happy that's what counts.
Thank you so much for helping me out.

[Marcia]

Each couple is different but the best thing you can do is communicate.
Absolutely! When you talk you find out about things you thought you knew. But if you understand the comment you heard has some interpretation to it and a question could reveal that you both didn't have a full understanding of each of your initial communications, that can lead to new adventures[/QUOTE]

Hi MAcpl69,

Ok is that the year you were born or your favorite position? Love it. Thank you for getting back to me. Now have you and your wife been monogamous until now? If so how long? I totally agree that communication is key. We have decided to be monogamous for now at least and build the bond and relationship. He has been very open with me which I appreciate. I also appreciate you for sharing your experience with me.

[Marcia]

Those are all common perceptions some women have about bi guys. Time to have sex with the wife and all that's on my mind is her and what I'm gonna do. Is it "obvious" that she's not enough some of the time? No, I wouldn't say that since, at least for me, when I want some dick, she doesn't have one; otherwise, she can still hand my head to me in bed so, yeah, enough and more than enough. I've never had to have "dick on the brain" to have sex with a woman or to crank my engine up; she wants to have sex with me and I want to have sex - engine revved right and proper.

Guys have their own thoughts about this of course and I hope the information you gather here will be able to answer your questions.

Hi KDaddy23,

You've definitely brought some ease to my mind. Much appreciated.

[Geoff Gregg]

I love my wife and she turns me on without external stimulus. Would I love to share her with another guy, sure. I'm not really attracted to men, I enjoy sucking a nice cock and getting fucked. This is my take on it other will be different.

[NJwood]

I’m a married bi guy who falls on the end of the spectrum where I’m really only interested in cock. I giving head and some anal sex with the right guy. My wife and I met in our 40s. Second time for both. We were very open about everything when we were dating. When I told her I had been with a guy she found it very erotic. Once we were married we were monogamous. Once she went into menopause, sex became more of a challenge for her. That meant less for
me. I found myself fantasizing about sucking cock and anal play. We talked about it and she was understanding of my desire. Now we have clear rules and when the opportunity arises I’ll hook up with a guy. We talk about the “date” and I’ll tell her the story of the encounter. It actually helps to get her aroused. My wife has much of what I desire except for a penis. She isn’t into using a strap on and so she feels it is not a problem if I satisfy that urge without her.

I tell guys I’m not looking for intimacy, that I have with my wife. I’d suggest you keep talking with him about what being bi means to him. To what extent or where on the spectrum does he feel he is. If you’re open and nonjudgmental then that conversation can flow and be eye opening. As for STDs, there are tests for that. If you come to an agreement on your sexual play that can include what precautions are taken. Hope this helps!

[Jazminedress]

Something else I would add, as you have heard here, some people have different types of relationships. Everything from what I would refer to as the swinger lifestyle (sorry if my terminology is wrong for someone, no offense meant), to people who basically go out, have oral sex with a guy and don't remember the name or what they looked like the next day.
You have couples that play imagination and talk about an imaginary encounter, or those that use toys for role reversal.

All of these things are fantastic..................for the people involved.

They may not be for you. As I said, you obviously have concerns, or you wouldn't have asked the questions, I really applaud the courage it took for you to do that. Let me say, everyone of your concerns are valid, because they effect you and how you feel.

Do not get pressured into anything that won't sit right with you, you will regret it later. If you feel comfortable experimenting out of your normal comfort zone, great, but only if you are okay with it. You may find something new wonderful and exciting, or you may try something once and say no, never again, and that's okay.

Having you come back and give input would be great, the ladies here who are with a bi guy can be of tremendous help to couples, hopefully they will speak up even more

[MAcpl69]

Absolutely! When you talk you find out about things you thought you knew. But if you understand the comment you heard has some interpretation to it and a question could reveal that you both didn't have a full understanding of each of your initial communications, that can lead to new adventures

Hi MAcpl69,

Ok is that the year you were born or your favorite position? Love it. Thank you for getting back to me. Now have you and your wife been monogamous until now? If so how long? I totally agree that communication is key. We have decided to be monogamous for now at least and build the bond and relationship. He has been very open with me which I appreciate. I also appreciate you for sharing your experience with me.[/QUOTE]
One of our favorite positions. Yes we have and currently still are monogamous, covid has really hindered any social interaction. I also believe we both want to move slowly, but we have had many discussions and I think we both want to test the waters so we know if we would enjoy an open marriage or not. Kinda feel like were stuck right now.

[Marcia]

Hi Demi dame,

Thank you so much for your response, I really appreciate it. You have all helped me so much.

[Marcia]

Hi Geoff Gregg,

Thank you so much. I love hearing what you said. You guys are great!

[Marcia]

I’m a married bi guy who falls on the end of the spectrum where I’m really only interested in cock. I giving head and some anal sex with the right guy. My wife and I met in our 40s. Second time for both. We were very open about everything when we were dating. When I told her I had been with a guy she found it very erotic. Once we were married we were monogamous. Once she went into menopause, sex became more of a challenge for her. That meant less for
me. I found myself fantasizing about sucking cock and anal play. We talked about it and she was understanding of my desire. Now we have clear rules and when the opportunity arises I’ll hook up with a guy. We talk about the “date” and I’ll tell her the story of the encounter. It actually helps to get her aroused. My wife has much of what I desire except for a penis. She isn’t into using a strap on and so she feels it is not a problem if I satisfy that urge without her.

I tell guys I’m not looking for intimacy, that I have with my wife. I’d suggest you keep talking with him about what being bi means to him. To what extent or where on the spectrum does he feel he is. If you’re open and nonjudgmental then that conversation can flow and be eye opening. As for STDs, there are tests for that. If you come to an agreement on your sexual play that can include what precautions are taken. Hope this helps!

Hi NJwood,

Thank you so much for responding. That would be so hard for me but at the same time I might not really know that. I am sure that your wife knows that you love and desire her and she supports you. I am very much into sex without a doubt and a major turn on for me is when the man is aroused by me. I've never had a problem they usually can't get enough. So this is hard for me.

[Marcia]

Something else I would add, as you have heard here, some people have different types of relationships. Everything from what I would refer to as the swinger lifestyle (sorry if my terminology is wrong for someone, no offense meant), to people who basically go out, have oral sex with a guy and don't remember the name or what they looked like the next day.
You have couples that play imagination and talk about an imaginary encounter, or those that use toys for role reversal.

All of these things are fantastic..................for the people involved.

They may not be for you. As I said, you obviously have concerns, or you wouldn't have asked the questions, I really applaud the courage it took for you to do that. Let me say, everyone of your concerns are valid, because they effect you and how you feel.

Do not get pressured into anything that won't sit right with you, you will regret it later. If you feel comfortable experimenting out of your normal comfort zone, great, but only if you are okay with it. You may find something new wonderful and exciting, or you may try something once and say no, never again, and that's okay.

Having you come back and give input would be great, the ladies here who are with a bi guy can be of tremendous help to couples, hopefully they will speak up even more

Thank you Jazminedress, I truly appreciate your help and yes I will definitely come back here and give input.

[NJwood]

Telling her when we were dating was a true risk. I had no idea how she would react. When we reveal such aspects about ourselves it at the very real risk of rejection. I had been preparing myself for rejection of any type. Such is dating. That he’s told you isn’t to say he isn’t attracted to you or feeling you will fulfill him as a woman. The reality for bisexuals is our desires are not simply satisfied by one gender. It’s a complication that we accept. How that actually plays out in a relationship is what needs to be discussed and agreed upon by both of you.

[cuttin2dachase]

I think that most bi men (myself included) prefer women to men, but we guys want more than the vanilla hetero sex a wife or gf gives us, especially if she won't enthusiastically please us orally. I think that if more wives or gfs wanted other men too, they would happily accept their man wanting to have sex with them and other men. Even more deeply rooted in men than secret bi desires is a desire to watch our sweet, innocent, demure faithful wives and mothers of our children or gfs sucking and fucking other men as we watch and join in to provide her with explosive orgasms. But 99% of wives & gfs would consider their man less than a man if he likes men too. And they'd think their man doesn't love them deeply....and deeply want them them to enjoy sex to the fullest potential with their man....

[cuttin2dachase]

I think that most bi men (myself included) prefer women to men, but we guys want more than the vanilla hetero sex a wife or gf gives us, especially if she won't enthusiastically please us orally. I think that if more wives or gfs wanted other men too, they would happily accept their man wanting to have sex with them and other men. Even more deeply rooted in men than secret bi desires is a desire to watch our sweet, innocent, demure faithful wives and mothers of our children or gfs sucking and fucking other men as we watch and join in to provide her with explosive orgasms. But 99% of wives & gfs would consider their man less than a man if he likes men too. And they'd think their man doesn't love them deeply....and deeply want them them to enjoy sex to the fullest potential with their man....

[Cum1st]

If I have sex with a woman I tend to develop an emotional bond with her which can be rough on an existing relationship.

That has never happened between a man and myself. It's just sex. We can be pals if we share common interests, but the sex is just enjoyable sex. It's not better than with a woman, just different - variety.

There's no part of a woman that doesn't excite me, but with a man it's totally what's in his shorts.

I may be speaking for others here also.

[McBice]

Hello Marcia, I don't think anyone has asked you this so, here goes. How does your new boyfriend make you feel sexually? I ask this because you asked the same questions my current wife asked when I told her I am bi, however, there was a significant difference. Early on in our relationship, we were very limited in the amount of time we had for sex, because I lived in metro Atlanta and she lived in Northern California. Needless to say, our few occasions for sex were epic throw-downs of debauchery. About the second time we were able to get together, without any prompting or even hinting at from me, she starting fingering my ass while sucking my cock. I didn't stop her or encourage her, I just enjoyed. Over the course of the next year and a half, during which I moved to NorCal and we got married, this became routine and eventually graduated to her buying a strap-on and fucking me on a regular basis. And during that time, I mistakenly assumed that she had figured out that I was bi, so i didn't really need to come out and say it. To be honest, between the difficulty of my work and the vast Great Vanilla Wasteland of NorCal, I had no inclination or time for male playmates especially when I had my wife and her cock waiting for me at home. When it did come down to me telling her that I am bi was, in my mind, one of the more hilarious episodes in our relationship. Without going into the details, she did ask most of the same questions you have and my answers to them were very similar to what Jazminedress said. To this day, almost 12 years later, we both seem to be satisfied with where we are...Sorry, I kinda made this long, I have too many thoughts about this that involve long stories and unique characters from my past that come faster than I can type and the makes things seem a bit jumbly.

[Bifun2009]

I have a gay buddy that I have sex with on occasion, but I never have to think of him in order to have sex with my girl. My girl is 11 years younger than me (she's soon to be 47, I'm 58) and an absolute nymph when it comes to having sex with me and loves to try different things, positions, during this time. We are madly in love and have sex quite often (6 to 10 times per week) but, she doesn't know about my Bi side. I have chosen to continue seeing my gay buddy for sex because I enjoy his company as well as the sex & experimentation that we have when together.
Whether, I am with him or with my girlfriend, my attention is 100% on them at that moment and never have to worry about being aroused as I am always looking forward to sharing my time with them at the moment.

For the future, I don't know if, I will ever mention that I am Bi to my girlfriend. I enjoy having the 2 separate and he knows about my relationship with her so, it tends to add some excitement to our visits because the visits (sex) are limited. But, we spend a good 5 to 8 hours of creating pure lust and debauchery when we have our get togethers.
So, in a nutshell. I don't need to think about the other in order to get aroused and my girlfriend is #1 and if, I HAD to choose, it would remain that way. Having sex with a man is just that for me.......having sex. There's a taboo (mystique?) in the straight world about male to male sex and, this has a small part in it for me too, in addition to the fact that the sex is enjoyable with a man in a much different way than with a woman (besides the obvious).

[ricardotores]

The few rare times that I go on a date and I be myself, the date almost always ends unsuccessfully. Any advise, please.

[ricardotores]

The few rare times that I go on a date and I be myself, the date almost always ends unsuccessfully. Any advise, please. Found only this information https://www.happymatches.com/blog/hook-up/best-online-hookup-apps
Seems interesting.

[Marcia]

I think that most bi men (myself included) prefer women to men, but we guys want more than the vanilla hetero sex a wife or gf gives us, especially if she won't enthusiastically please us orally. I think that if more wives or gfs wanted other men too, they would happily accept their man wanting to have sex with them and other men. Even more deeply rooted in men than secret bi desires is a desire to watch our sweet, innocent, demure faithful wives and mothers of our children or gfs sucking and fucking other men as we watch and join in to provide her with explosive orgasms. But 99% of wives & gfs would consider their man less than a man if he likes men too. And they'd think their man doesn't love them deeply....and deeply want them them to enjoy sex to the fullest potential with their man....

Hi Cuttin2dachase,

Thank you so much for responding. I don't consider him less than a man for sure. I appreciate and respect his honesty. I also take into account that he's a grown man with no obligations to anyone and no family so if he wanted to solely be with a man he could do that, he wouldn't have to answer or explain it to anyone. I really appreciate your help.

[Marcia]

If I have sex with a woman I tend to develop an emotional bond with her which can be rough on an existing relationship.

That has never happened between a man and myself. It's just sex. We can be pals if we share common interests, but the sex is just enjoyable sex. It's not better than with a woman, just different - variety.

There's no part of a woman that doesn't excite me, but with a man it's totally what's in his shorts.

I may be speaking for others here also.

Hi Cum1st,

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it.

[Marcia]

I have a gay buddy that I have sex with on occasion, but I never have to think of him in order to have sex with my girl. My girl is 11 years younger than me (she's soon to be 47, I'm 58) and an absolute nymph when it comes to having sex with me and loves to try different things, positions, during this time. We are madly in love and have sex quite often (6 to 10 times per week) but, she doesn't know about my Bi side. I have chosen to continue seeing my gay buddy for sex because I enjoy his company as well as the sex & experimentation that we have when together.
Whether, I am with him or with my girlfriend, my attention is 100% on them at that moment and never have to worry about being aroused as I am always looking forward to sharing my time with them at the moment.

For the future, I don't know if, I will ever mention that I am Bi to my girlfriend. I enjoy having the 2 separate and he knows about my relationship with her so, it tends to add some excitement to our visits because the visits (sex) are limited. But, we spend a good 5 to 8 hours of creating pure lust and debauchery when we have our get togethers.
So, in a nutshell. I don't need to think about the other in order to get aroused and my girlfriend is #1 and if, I HAD to choose, it would remain that way. Having sex with a man is just that for me.......having sex. There's a taboo (mystique?) in the straight world about male to male sex and, this has a small part in it for me too, in addition to the fact that the sex is enjoyable with a man in a much different way than with a woman (besides the obvious).

Hi Bifun2009,

Thank you, I appreciate your responds.

[BeauKnerr]

Hi Cum1st,

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it.

I second Cum1st's sentiments to a T. But you've seen a wide range of viewpoints here and the key is to learn where your guy falls on the spectrum of attraction to guys and also his philosophy on monogamy and how it jibes with yours.

In my case, the reality of being with guys never lived up to the fantasies/desires. I've been with my gal for over 5 years now, and even though the desires are still very strong, I have kept them in the fantasy realm. Sure, I've been tempted to act on them, but I rationalize that I would likely be disappointed in the reality again and only be putting this relationship at risk, which is pretty fantastic. I usually reserve my M2M fantasies for my own play time. However, when we are together, I do sometimes fantasize about having another guy in the mix, but with the focus on her and no M2M contact between me and the guy(s). She's somewhat to blame for this because she has told me she fantasizes about being the subject of a gangbang. Even though she claims she would never do it in reality, needless to say I can't get that out of my head. Unfortunately, I have not shared with her my bi inclinations because she has strong feelings against "bi" (you're either straight or gay in her book). Perhaps at some point, it will come up and we'll talk through it. She wouldn't like it at all, but if it ever comes up, I at least want to be able to honestly say that I have never cheated on her -- physically at least. I guess being on forums like this and the occasional sexual banter with other guys online might be considered a form of cheating by many, including her.

So, kudos to you on being open-minded about it, and kudos to your guy for being forthright in telling you. At least you can approach the question more honestly and make your choices accordingly. I might also suggest that you check out the Straight Spouse Network Forum (https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/), which has a section for mixed-orientation marriages (MOM's). Even though your relationship just started, you may find some helpful insights. In addition to women who knew beforehand, there are many women there who found out midflight and are trying to figure it out. As a caution, the majority of participants of that forum, particularly the other sections, are very angry and bitter (justifiably so for the most part) because they got blindsided that their hubbies of many years were living double lives and having sex with guys on the side; many of these gals discourage MOM's because they deny that bi exists and believe that it's just a stop on the way to full blown "gay". Probably like my gal, ironically. How twisted is that?

Good luck!

[CALEXANDER]

Hi guys,

I am a straight woman in a new relationship with a bi male. My question is when you guys are with your wife or girlfriend are you aroused by her or do you have to think of a man in order to get aroused. Obviously she is not enough for you all the time, but when you are making love just the two of you do you need to have thoughts of a man in order to perform? And do you always prefer to be with a man more than her?

Thanks guys in advance for your help.

I had been bi for many years. Once in a chatroom called "Bi Married Men," I saw a feminine user name. I asked what's a "NAME" doing in a bi married men's forum? She replied, "Looking for a man for my husband." That was exciting. We met and I moved in with them in 1998. We stayed together 4 years until her husband, "our" husband, cheated on us with gay guys. We stayed together as a couple. He's now half of an M/M couple.

Since the swinging days, I've always loved the bi threesome. I've had one-on-ones with men (even our husband when we were home alone and horny) but my greatest pleasure is in the MMF threesome. I love sloppy seconds, sharing a cock with her, licking her clit as she's being fucked, guiding a well endowed man into her pussy and sucking a cock while I'm balls deep in her. I don't seek a guy for single sex. We've been together since 1998 - 22 years now.

So, we're not always in a threesome. I like the extra excitement I feel when we share past experiences as we have couples sex. We had a well endowed black friend for many years. To help me get off, I ask her to tell me how it felt taking his much larger cock.

I think my story just illustrates how different we all can be. My "bi" is different from the next guy.

Hope all goes well with you and thank you to all the other bi guys who commented.

[KDaddy23]

When I've talked with women about the bi guy they're with, one of the first things I try to get across to them is that him liking guys and dicks usually has nothing to do with his feelings for her. I tend to put it a bit bluntly but simply: If a guy wants a dick, you don't have one and the craving for dick just does not ever go anywhere. Some women tend to take things personally and get highly offended, like they're not good enough or enough for him at all but, I think, not considering that if this was true, he wouldn't be with you. Women aren't all that different from men where dealing with the fear of loss is concerned and the thought of a gal losing her man to another man is beyond being a bitch... but trying to explain to some women that some guys aren't all that interested in having a "real" relationship with another guy but, sure, if they can find one or two guys they can have sex with and whenever it's possible, well, that works and works well toward taking care of that craving for dick.

They've asked what they should or can do about it and there are choices: Get and stay pissed off and offended and leave him... or accept that this is the way he is. One can choose to accommodate him and some women do and laying down a lot of rules of engagement that will allow him to be the guy he is while preserving the integrity of their relationship; in this, a woman can choose to share his experiences in some way or, as some women do, let him know that she doesn't want to know anything about whatever he's doing with men... and that's usually not good for the relationship as a whole. Or a woman can remind him that he's never supposed to want anyone other than her and if he steps outside of the relationship to take care of his cravings, there will be consequences and much hell to pay. Some women get so greatly offended that it "makes sense" to them to just stop being intimate with him... and that, too, is usually a mistake but, sometimes, if she allows her man to take care of this need, she can begin to feel left out and other things along these lines and to the point where he can make it as clear as humanly possible that, yes, he loves her; he needs her; he still very much loves making love with her and his life just wouldn't be the same without her... and nothing he's going to say is going to change the way she's feeling.

This is about as messy as anything can get and is the worst imaginable situation for any bisexual in a relationship and more so with someone who isn't bisexual themselves. It boils down to this: If you love him and need him in your life and all that other good stuff, what - if anything - are you willing to do to not only keep him by your side but for his overall happiness and even his peace of mind... and your own? Communication is so vitally important; what's on his mind about it and what's on yours... and total honesty is just as important. The "mistake" a lot of couple make in this, I think, is not thinking along the lines of what can we do about this and get all into that what do you wanna do (or not). The point is that you're in this relationship together; the reality is that is it quite possible for one or both of you to have some... needs come up that neither of you can directly do anything about but it's also possible to work together to get them taken care of so that everyone can be - and remain - happy campers, both as individuals and as a couple.

When my first wife and I wound up opening up our marriage - and because of her bisexuality that she was trying to hide from me - knowing that she was going to do whatever she needed to do with or without my "blessings" was something I couldn't abide by and despite being bisexual myself, well, I wouldn't step out on her for any reason. My choices were to forbid it or divorce her... or do what I wound up doing: Asking her, "So what can we do about this?" because, for one, I didn't want to leave her and because she had made it clear that she was gonna do this no matter what I said, which thing was better - to always be worried and paranoid about what she might be doing when she wasn't at home... or to know what she was doing. I made the best choice I could for myself, her, and our family... and we opened our marriage and with the further commitment to do the best we could to make and keep each other happy. It wasn't easy at first but we made it work and it not only allowed both of us to be openly bisexual with each other, it greatly improved and deepened our love for each other. We shared our "external activities" with each other and there was no sense of being left out or having secrets. We had rules, of course, but the important thing was that if a rule needed to be modified, we'd sit down and talk about it and the only way a rule change got vetoed was if both of us agreed that it shouldn't be changed and because there was no benefit for us to change it.

Our marriage lasted for 32 years before we just grew apart and agreed to go our separate ways. We made it work because we had to. For you, the choices are similar; you can be worried and paranoid and maybe even throw the relationship away... or you can put your head together with him and figure out how his bisexuality can work for the both of you - and keep you happily together. Some women cannot do this and even those who manage to find out that it's not as easy as it appears to be... but it can be done if you're willing to make it work.

[JordanCD]

It’s great that you are trying to understand what’s going on. I would say don’t worry about it, he’s with you for a reason - which is YOU.

In my experience most people (men and women) have desires and fantasies that their partners cannot or will not fulfill. You can find that in every relationship.

What types of people you each find attractive, the people you have been with in the past, or the type of sexual acts you enjoy don’t define YOUR relationship.

Also, you can spice things up for him if you want (e.g. offer to peg him, or ask if he wants to role-play, dress up, etc.). Only if YOU want to though.

[wifekinky4husband]

Hi guys,

I am a straight woman in a new relationship with a bi male. My question is when you guys are with your wife or girlfriend are you aroused by her or do you have to think of a man in order to get aroused. Obviously she is not enough for you all the time, but when you are making love just the two of you do you need to have thoughts of a man in order to perform? And do you always prefer to be with a man more than her?

Thanks guys in advance for your help.

I should get my husband on here to answer this but I have more insight than he does.

"when you guys are with your wife or girlfriend are you aroused by her or do you have to think of a man in order to get aroused" All of the men in our group and also the bi men I know outside of our group are aroused by their wives not the men, though watching men perform sexually is arousing to them but it is not needed to get aroused when with their wives.

"Obviously she is not enough for you all the time" - As several writer put it, this is true for many of them as the wives do no have a cream filled yummy toy. And the real deal is the REAL DEAL when getting fucked by it, a substitute can be pretty grand but still the Real Deal is what it is. My husband loves strap ons and dildo, but says even the squirting toys cannot come close to the real deal and the orgasms it brings.

"but when you are making love just the two of you do you need to have thoughts of a man in order to perform?" As my husband puts it, euuwww, not needed. And No, not a single man in our group or any of the bi men I know outside of our group. Once again though, the thought of the group sex acts are very powerful stimuli if we are role playing.

"And do you always prefer to be with a man more than her?" Again from my husband, "Uuuhhh Heck No! I want my wife all this other is that, "other."

[cfr50s]

We are different than most on here so will throw in our two cents. We are and always have been both bisexual. We were totally open and honest from the beginning. We discussed our likes and dislikes and agreed that in the end, the couple that plays together, stays together. She doesn't need to think about another woman and I don't need to think about another man when it is just the two of us. Being disease conscious, and not bed hoppers added to our problem in a way but was quickly resolved. We decided to make sex with others our hobby and limit our circle of friends. We had a male friend for years we played with every weekend but it was more than just sex. We did everything from flea markets to stock car races to walking the beach together hand in hand. Females were basically the same and we met one unicorn right on this site. It was friendship in an ongoing relationship that was most important. We did have sex when the other wasn't there but it was never cheating as we were both aware of the meeting. The most important thing was being open and honest. We always played together which isn't right for everyone, especially the ones who cheat. It worked for us and that is what really mattered.

[Yoyopati]

If he thinks of a man when hebis with you, then he is gay and not bisexual. Just remember that he like anal sex and plug him when you are having sex. Eat his ass. You can bith suck a dick together. Also you can bring a female. He is bisexual not gay.

[Bi-Rõnin]

My fiance and I have been together for over 5yrs now.
Our story is an odd one.
My 2nd ex wife and I were going through a divorce. We had spent several years with pegging being a third of our sexual activity. So I had to tell my current that while we were 1st seeing each other incase my ex got spiteful.

I absolutely love being on the receiving end and was actively looking for it when my now fiance first proposed a friends with benefits situation since she was moving out of state in three months. Why not, what could go wrong. Well, we ended up falling for each other and decided to try and do a long distance relationship. With hopes of it only being a year. 3 years to the day we finally moved her back. Not a single time did I ever seek another woman out. Tried a couple times to find a man to relieve my urges but nothing ever came about. We have done the pegging thing once and its amazing. She's literally the only person I've ever told that I'm Bi

It still doesn't compare to being with a man. But there is nothing or no one that can replace her. I still get turned on by her, still enjoy sex with her and find no need to imagine her being a man.

[CurEUs_Male]

It's never an absolute. Some times I think of men and get aroused, some times I think of women and get aroused, Sometimes I think of those among the gray spaces between biological sexes, and get aroused. SOme times, I think of some combination ... and get aroused.

I have watched my wife with other men, it got me aroused.
I have been aroused only by my wife. I have been aroused by other women.

It has a lot to do with a lot of things, and for me, a Bi man, it usually is less to do with the biological sex of a person I am with, or simply thinking of.

Your statement
Obviously she is not enough for you all the time...
is using a trope to make an invalid point. In our 32 years together, and 30 years of marriage, my wife was 'enough' for me for many years. She was enough when we were monogamous, she was enough when we were swinging, she was not always enough after I recognized I was bi, and shared that fact with her - not because of sex, or the body parts, but because she had some pretty negative thoughts about what bi men are. It's gotten better over the years, but also I have given up on measuring people to my expectations, I only measure myself against those expectations. Sometimes I come up short, sometimes I exceed expectations.

[wifekinky4husband]

Marcia - just to let you know your inbox is over full. I had to clean mine out as well.

[Marcia]

I should get my husband on here to answer this but I have more insight than he does.

"when you guys are with your wife or girlfriend are you aroused by her or do you have to think of a man in order to get aroused" All of the men in our group and also the bi men I know outside of our group are aroused by their wives not the men, though watching men perform sexually is arousing to them but it is not needed to get aroused when with their wives.

"Obviously she is not enough for you all the time" - As several writer put it, this is true for many of them as the wives do no have a cream filled yummy toy. And the real deal is the REAL DEAL when getting fucked by it, a substitute can be pretty grand but still the Real Deal is what it is. My husband loves strap ons and dildo, but says even the squirting toys cannot come close to the real deal and the orgasms it brings.

"but when you are making love just the two of you do you need to have thoughts of a man in order to perform?" As my husband puts it, euuwww, not needed. And No, not a single man in our group or any of the bi men I know outside of our group. Once again though, the thought of the group sex acts are very powerful stimuli if we are role playing.

"And do you always prefer to be with a man more than her?" Again from my husband, "Uuuhhh Heck No! I want my wife all this other is that, "other."

Hi Wifekinky4husband,

Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate a woman's perspective on this matter as well. My boyfriend and I are 3 months in and I am so very happy with him. He's everything I've been dreaming of and more! I had reservations about his being bi, but now it's definitely one of the things I love about him. I also owe all of you guys on here a big thank you! You have all been extremely helpful in my journey of learning, understanding and acceptance of this situation. ��

[Marcia]

Hi Wifekinky4husband

I deleted some stuff. Look forward to chatting with you.

[Marcia]

It's never an absolute. Some times I think of men and get aroused, some times I think of women and get aroused, Sometimes I think of those among the gray spaces between biological sexes, and get aroused. SOme times, I think of some combination ... and get aroused.

I have watched my wife with other men, it got me aroused.
I have been aroused only by my wife. I have been aroused by other women.

It has a lot to do with a lot of things, and for me, a Bi man, it usually is less to do with the biological sex of a person I am with, or simply thinking of.

Your statement
is using a trope to make an invalid point. In our 32 years together, and 30 years of marriage, my wife was 'enough' for me for many years. She was enough when we were monogamous, she was enough when we were swinging, she was not always enough after I recognized I was bi, and shared that fact with her - not because of sex, or the body parts, but because she had some pretty negative thoughts about what bi men are. It's gotten better over the years, but also I have given up on measuring people to my expectations, I only measure myself against those expectations. Sometimes I come up short, sometimes I exceed expectations.

Hi CurEUs_Male,
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate getting your input on this matter. I hope that things continue to get better with your wife's thoughts about what bi men are.

[Marcia]

My fiance and I have been together for over 5yrs now.
Our story is an odd one.
My 2nd ex wife and I were going through a divorce. We had spent several years with pegging being a third of our sexual activity. So I had to tell my current that while we were 1st seeing each other incase my ex got spiteful.

I absolutely love being on the receiving end and was actively looking for it when my now fiance first proposed a friends with benefits situation since she was moving out of state in three months. Why not, what could go wrong. Well, we ended up falling for each other and decided to try and do a long distance relationship. With hopes of it only being a year. 3 years to the day we finally moved her back. Not a single time did I ever seek another woman out. Tried a couple times to find a man to relieve my urges but nothing ever came about. We have done the pegging thing once and its amazing. She's literally the only person I've ever told that I'm Bi

It still doesn't compare to being with a man. But there is nothing or no one that can replace her. I still get turned on by her, still enjoy sex with her and find no need to imagine her being a man.
Hi Bi-Rõnin,
Thank you for responding. I love your story! I am so happy that you found love with someone who you can open up to. Thank you!😊

[IWantABiLover]

I love this topic and it sheds light on the fact there are women who embrace and are even turned on by being a man who enjoys other men.
I am one them and as someone who is heteroflexible, I would love to make that exploration together, I think it could be something beautiful to build a bound and generate naughty thoughts for later when you?re alone.

This dynamic has tendencies to be threatening and or a turn off to some females and I?m guessing that would be more within a marriage capacity then a lover/companion one. Just a thought as I?m not a wife and single so my perspective is clearly different.

[Fiddlestyx]

Quite apart from any bisexual aspect I think that there are people who fantasize about someone other than their partner during sex and then there are those who are completely "in the moment" and focused on the one they're with at all times.