So very confused

[halfofwhat]

Where to begin...I'm 23 years old and miserably conflicted. I am obsessive compulsive and my obsession is over my sexuality (specifically, it's referred to as HOCD, fear that one is gay). I am not exagerating when I say that most days, not a minute passes that I'm not thinking about it. It has been this way for the past year, and I am in therapy for it.

Ever since I was a teenager, the question has been there...it would pop up every so often, "am I really gay?" I've been teased about it, called gay and all that stuff. I've always been socially retarded and very shy and awkward around women. Growing up, I always wanted a girlfriend...I was always all about the women.

I started masturbating heavily to porn at the age of 13...mostly internet stuff. It started with "innocent" pictures of celebrity and blew up from there...videos, more hardcore stuff. In the past 10 years, if I had to average it out, I would say I watched somewhere around an hour's worth of porn every day. It was mostly all clips, so I would just go from one hardcore clip to the next...not a whole movie.

Somewhere in that time, out of curiosity, I checked out gay porn. I must have enjoyed it at least because I would masturbate to it, but every time afterwards, I would feel awful, like "why the hell did I do that?"

I would go through periods where I would look at gay porn...maybe a few days every so many months. This would be mixed in with straight porn, then eventually I would be like "eh, big deal" and go back to the straight porn. During these periods I would question my sexuality. I've also experimented with anal stimulation...using various objects. I eventually tried a vibrator. It was always the same effect of gay porn...it seems all exciting at first, then afterwards it's like "eh...that was dumb."

When I became sexually active, it was difficult for me to achieve orgasm from sex. I attributed this to performance anxiety and the fact that I was so used to masturbation, this whole new stimulus was foreign to me. It took nearly 2 months (bless my patient ex) before I could cum from vaginal sex. Once I could though, it was fan-friggin-tastic. I haven't been with a lot of women, but usually I have performance problems (losing my erection) the first couple of times...after that, it rarely pops up.

A lot of these insecurities and inabilities have really added to my fears. I currently feel like I've lost all feelings towards women. It's like they don't excite me fully as much as they used to. I think I may have conditioned myself to believe that I will never get a girlfriend, and that's how it'll be.

Sooo...now, one of the big things that concerns me is the fact that I can get an erection from gay porn without touching myself, whereas with straight porn, I usually have to touch myself to get erect. It seems like my orgasms are more intense to gay porn also. That freaks me out.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I'm gay, straight, or bi. I honestly never pictured myself dating a man, I've never wanted to be in a relationship with a man, and I have no desire to be romantic with a man...it seems to be purely sexual, porn fantasy. When I try to imagine myself in a relationship with a guy, it feels like I'm completely detached from myself...it doesn't seem like me. Even when I convince myself that I'm gay, I still don't want to actually go through with having sex with a guy. Is this normal for bisexuality?

I'm trying to accept that I am probably bi, just going by the fact that I can get aroused by gay porn. I really don't know. I'm sorry to have rambled on so much here...any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[ambi53mm]

First, take a deep breath and let it out. You are in a safe community of like- minded individuals.
Much of what you have written, I can relate to. The biggest difference being mine has spanned over a longer lifetime and it never reached the level of compulsive intensity that your post reflects. It's not to say that my fears and apprehensions weren't as intense at different stages I just didn’t worry as much as I struggled through those same thoughts.
You are on a path of self-discovery and sometimes that path can be both confusing and baffling. Based on the overall gist of your post I’d say you seem like many on here who to some extent see themselves as bisexual. The fluctuations from gender to gender in regard to what arouses us at any given point in time I believe kind of goes with the territory. It is alright to feel what you are feeling and on the positive side, you are taking an action to understanding why you feel the way you do.
Gay, straight , bisexual. These are just words that help give definition to our understanding of how we sexually express ourselves. Trust what feels right inside, even it is only in the moment
As you browse through the posts on this site, and meet online the different people that make up this community. You will find things you click with and things you won’t. Take what you need. It exists for all of us that walk a similar path, and hopefully bring comfort to your spirit.

Ambi :)

[runwildtonight]

First let me congradulate you on sharing so much, it can be a bit of a relief to do so.

Okay, maybe you are gay, straight or bi. You dont have to put a label on yourself if you dont want to. And if you wish to, first ask if you have a problem being gay or bi? Would you be able to be happy, its not a requirement and God knows few are 100% happy ALL the time. As for your masterbation and sex, you might be getting to used to masterbatiion to keep it up for sex, I have found a couple things have worked for me, first if you can limit your amount of masterbation to a point that it doesnt interfere with your life your doing good. second, If you feel the urge and are going to do so, try to do so in an old fashion way, no visual stimulation (just ur mind), try switching hands, or try to do so quickly in the morning after you wake up so its out of your system. Also, if the computer is an issue, if you can try relocating your computer to a place where you wont have privacy so as to deter you, such as if your in a house with other people put the computer in the living room instead of your bedroom where you have privacy. Lastly if you can feel safe and are in a relationship talk with your partner about your issues, maybe she/he can help you.

And dont worry if you dont want to be gay or bi and get turned on by gay porn it doesnt neccesarily make you gay, you can just be bored with the normal stuff and want excitment or are curious about it

take care and let us know how you are doing
:bibounce:

[Lorcan]

I'm thinking.....

(and this might be entirely wrong but i'm going with my gut feeling here)

that you have to get over your fear of being Gay or Bi in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with being Straight.
There is nothing wrong with being Gay.
There is nothing wrong with being Bi
There is nothing wrong with pursuing your sexuallity in any way you feel like it at the moment. (unless it's rape)

Once you believe that, i think you will be much better. Are you going to a gay friendly therapist? Cuz i know there are Christian therapist that will try to steer you away from other orientations.

[Reprob8]

Don't place guilt and blame on yourself for what is natural. The fact taht you have been seeing a therapist for over a year and feel these guilt issues makes me question what that therapist is telling you. My therapist and my childrens when I told her both reacted the same way, they were very supportive and even congratulatory in there response and it was a very affirming experience, any therapist that reacts differently is not the therapist for you. Find a therapist who is supportive of gay/bi issues. Many therapists feel that you must be gay or striaght so be careful about what advice and information you choose to follow.

[halfofwhat]

Thank you for all of your feedback, guys. Regarding my therapist, he is definitely gay friendly. On his website, he notes that he has experience with GLBT issues, and I am pretty sure he is gay himself. One of the reasons why I decided to see him, other than the fact that he has extensive experience with OCD and other anxiety issues, is the fact that he has the GLBT experience. Although it was frightening at the time, I thought, "well, if I am really gay, he should be able to tell." He has been a big help...it's just that I've gotten better and fallen back into the trap so many times. I just need to let go of my thoughts and live...but it's easier said than done. Thanks again for all the feedback.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol, hey there busydoingnothing lol

I may be able to help in a few areas outside of what your counsellor can

I don't suffer from NOCD....but like you, i have issues with full sexual contentment......I dislike coming ....for me its actually painful...so masturbation is my main form of release tho i can have sex lol

so here is the help part.... the masturbation is not a issue... the problem stems from the images / fantasises, you use as a help during masturbation.... you tend to impose your own feelings and emotions into the stimulation, and when you have sex with others, you may find that you are having to recreate some of the fantasises in your head, in order to function fully....the other thing is that the other person can't take the place of your own feelings and emotions.... so it does take a couple of months for you to * break thru * the *barrier*, to the point where sex with the other person is furfilling

as for the gf trouble... ask ya counsellor about S.A.D - Social Anxiety Disorder..... its very common and is often mistakely called low self esteem, low self image or low self confidence.... its none of them....its actually a inability to feel stable and secure in yourself around others.....things like not being able to eat if people are watching, is one sign of S.A.D