Hi I'm new, confused, and, frightened!!??

[luvrnpa]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this site and, new to admitting to my self that I am a bisexual! I've read all the post's, threads, articles, forums on this site and, I've become aware that the majority of people on this site are great people with above average intelligence! I'm confused and frightened because I am married and my wife cannot know that I'm thinking about having sex with the same sex! We both know people (women) that are self professed bi-sexual and she (wife) thinks it's discusting. When we talk about it (bi-sexuality) it literatly makes her gag. :eek: It does turn me on though. ;) We've been married for 32 years and I truley love her but, women problems have stopped her from having intercourse :( and she never did like oral sex.) :( So I found and, turned to this site for answers and maybe, sex :tongue: I've never cheated on her but, I think I'm going to. :rolleyes: I'd love to see if anyone here is in the same predict I'm in and how do you handle it? I've thought about cybersex, phonesex, and the like but I can't get aroused without a warm body (yes I've been very horney without sex!!). Please help. I'm all ears. In advance, Thank you.

[Seeker72]

Welcome aboard!

The people on this site are very cool, being new to it (the board) I was made welcome right away.

While my wife doesn't like the though of two guys having sex she is herself Bisexual and does not know of my leanings.

It's a hard thing to have to deal with.

Good luck.

[clubber]

You are not alone in this. I too was at a very similar age when I realized that I had an attraction to men and for the past 2 years have explored this new side of me which up until then, I had absolutely no interest in. I am also married and even though my wife and I still have sex periodically, it happens seldom. Being with a man has been exciting to say the least and for the most part quite enjoyable.
Anytime you want to chat, look me up.

[arana]

Welcome to the group luvrnpa. I hope you'll find some answers to your questions and met some wonderful new friends.

I'm sorry to hear that your communications are not going well with your wife and that you feel cheating is the answer. I do hope before you commit to such actions that you will also take into consideration all the consequences of doing so.

Good luck in whatever choices you decide to make.

[luvrnpa]

I'm sorry to hear that your communications are not going well with your wife and that you feel cheating is the answer. I do hope before you commit to such actions that you will also take into consideration all the consequences of doing so.



And that is where I'm frightened. The consequnces. Phyical and mental. Yes, thank you Arana. I've read your profile and many of your posts. Your advice is well taken.

[taz67156]

welcome to the site and hope that you enjoy and find answers to things your wondering about, we are all good people here and I've met alot of friends here since I joined up.
I don't think cheating on your wife would be the best thing to do cause that could just cause you more problems then you will want to handle I myself didn't care for my wife being bisexual but learned to deal with it in my own ways and have found out alot from everyone on here plus anyone that we both know who are bi or even gay/lez but everyone has there own opinion about bisexuals, you have to decide who or what you want to listen too.

[open2both]

Jump in the pool, baby, the water's nice and warm!

[ambi53mm]

Tough call. I’ve walked in those shoes for a while and was able to rationalize my behavior with a simple “What you don’t know won’t hurt you”. My second marriage was with a woman who was for all extensive reasons non-sexual. I wound up having an affair that lasted over five years with a woman who was essentially in the same predicament and we were successful. My bisexual behavior was always on the sly as well, knowing that to disclose that part of myself would have not only ended my marriage, but resulted in a lot more collateral damage that simply having an affair. The real truth of the matter though is that even though I was married in letter…I was never married in spirit…When it’s situation of cohabitation with someone with the emphasis on habit then the risk might be worth the results…In my situation, there was nothing on the line to really loose that had in my opinion “value”.
Some would look at 32 years of marriage and say Wow that’s terrific why would you want to risk everything to potentially destroy what you’ve created not to mention invested a lifetime in?…On the other hand you would have to honestly ask yourself….Am I willing to go another 25 years under these conditions…a closeted bi and a cheating bi at well. Only you can assess the value in relation to the risk.
Mid-life found me asking those very questions. I made a decision to seek out that one true love that had an everlasting value. I also made a decision that with her that honesty no matter what the cost would serve as the foundation to our relationship. I’m bi…and fortunately my wife is as well…being bi is not what bought us together..but being willing to take that chance of being totally honest with one another and disclose that part of our hidden selves is part of what’s kept us together. It works for us.
One thing to remember..when you made this commitment to your wife, and she to you…..you were only twenty years old. Having children that age I can look back now and laugh at myself and ask…”What the hell were you thinking.” ..You are not the same man that you were at twenty…and with growth comes change. I would not in good conscious encourage anyone to cheat on their significant other. In spite of my past I do value the true spirit marriage. But above all else I respect the need for personal growth…and being just a few years older than you… I’m very aware that the clock is ticking :eek:
Safe journey and happy hunting.

Ambi :)

[mistymockingbird]

Welcome. I hope you find this site informative and enlightening. I know there are many of us here who depend on this little community quite a bit.

As for you situation, I can understand a little how you feel. I was married to a man who was quite possibly one of the most homophobic people I know. He came along way on those views while we were together (11 years) but was never able to accept my bisexuality. Ours too became a sexless marriage (for reasons I won't go into, but they don't deal with the sexuality issue). I cheated more than once and managed to keep it all a secret and rationalized my choices to make myself feel less guilty. However, eventually it all caught up with me. In the end, I was honest about everything with my ex. I never felt better than the day I was able to come clean about everything I had kept hidden for so long. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, standing in front of a person I had taken vows with and telling him about my betrayal, but untill it was all out, I didn't realize the toll it was taking on me.

So, think carefully before acting on anything. Talk to your wife. Maybe she's not as opposed to it as you think. It could be that YOU are worth more to her. She might be willing to work on things in the interest of keeping someone she cares about. IMHO, honesty is always best because if a subject is out on the table it can be dealt with. If we keep things in they can fester and often times we build them up into bigger situations than they need to be. If, at the end of the day, you do decide that cheating is the answer for you, that's your decision. I for one won't judge you for it, I know I'm not perfect, I don't expect it of anyone else. However, I hope for your sake that you find the answers you need before it comes to that.

[smokey]

Above average intelligence? DOH!!!

You are in a quandry my friend and I don't have any sound advice to give you except this one thing... as far as any of us know we go through here once and regrets are the shits.

[steve10557]

I cheated on my wife and myself for years in a similar situation, it eventually broke up my marriage. There is the quick fix of gratification in cheating but long term it's fundamentally draining. I always regret that my marriage broke up, even though I waited until my kids had grown up, but I never regret being honest enough with myself to start again whatever stage of life you're at.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

________
Ah, make the most of what we yet may spend,
Before we too into the Dust descend;
Dust into Dust, and under Dust, to lie,
Sans Wine, sans Song, sans Singer, and--sans End!
(Omar FitzGerald)

[robgjoeg]

I am a phonesex junkie. I love to get off with guys late at night or in the middle of the night (and sometimes during the day). I am creative and can just get off (and get YOU off) talking dirty, but I also like telling/hearing stories and am very good at roleplaying. I have a lot of experience with guys on the phone -- been doing it for years and I am told I am really good at it. I am always willing to take on a phonesex "virgin". All I ask is that you don't hang up before we BOTH ejaculate. You can call me at (314) 621-7320 or e-mail me at robgjoeg23@hotmail.com. It is okay to leave a message, and pics in my e-mail are cool, too. Let's partner up and get off on a one-time or a continual basis.

[keefer201]

Having an affair to satisfy your curious nature is a horrible idea. I'll give you this much; going 32 years with a woman who doesn't like oral sex is something I could'nt and would never do. Sex is a HUGE part of any successful relationship and after all this time you're looking to cheat on her.......with a man? The stupidest thing I've ever done was cheat on my wife, but I cheated with a gorgeous long legged blonde who I ended up being engaged with. She was marvelous, but my thinking was incredibly selfish and to this day I regret it. At the time my wife and I had gone through many sessions with several therapists to try and repair the marriage, but it just wasn't going to work. I regret not having filed for seperation but the boys were young and I was a fool. If you haven't tried therapy, I would suggest it in the area of a sex therapist. Not having a wife enjoying my cock in her mouth would drive me nuts long before 32 years.

[Fun guy 6969]

Hey, I was with the same perdicument awhile ago. After my wife had some med problems she no longer wanted sex of anytype, let me preface that by saying we to have been married for 32 years.
I put up a thread as you have, most everone here as myself thought it would be cheating, and that was something I did not want to do. Love her to much to do that to her. Also suggested by some people here was, duhh, talk to her about it.
Which I did, and to my surprise she was agreeable.
If you cannot talk to your wife about it, I think you may be fooling yourself.
Granted it may be hard to bring up, but, as I found it was the right thing to do.
and don't fool yourself about hiding it from her, she will find out. And that would definately destroy your marrage.
Well good luck either way just wanted to share my experience with you.

[falcondfw]

Welcome to the site.
First, let me say, cheating should not be an option.
If talking does not work, try counseling. Get the counselor to be fair but to show your point of view.
If that does not work, file for divorce. If your leanings are that strong, and you and your wife cannot come to terms, you do her and yourself an injustice to stay in the marriage.
Cheating NEVER works for anyone. Have the courage to admit the marriage is wrong, if it cannot be fixed.
Be real with yourself. Be real with her. But try EVERYTHING before you give up.
Don't cheat. Grow into yourself and try to bring her along. If you cannot, there are women out there who will come along with you.
just my :2cents:

[lizard-lix]

Hey, I was with the same perdicument awhile ago. After my wife had some med problems she no longer wanted sex of anytype, let me preface that by saying we to have been married for 32 years.
I put up a thread as you have, most everone here as myself thought it would be cheating, and that was something I did not want to do. Love her to much to do that to her. Also suggested by some people here was, duhh, talk to her about it.
Which I did, and to my surprise she was agreeable.
If you cannot talk to your wife about it, I think you may be fooling yourself.
Granted it may be hard to bring up, but, as I found it was the right thing to do.
and don't fool yourself about hiding it from her, she will find out. And that would definately destroy your marrage.
Well good luck either way just wanted to share my experience with you.

I've been married 32 years as well (there seems to be a pattern here).. A few years ago, I faced the same situation, my wife's libido was dropping (meds and age) and I was going the other way, my libido just keeps getting stronger.

I have been bi all my life and monogamous since we got married, I had told her that I was bi before we married, but being monogamous, it never really came up.

It finally got to the point where something had to give.. I was horny all the time, it was starting to be an issue between us and neither of us was happy about it.

I took a deep breath, sat down and opened the conversation. It has been going on for 2+ years now, but it is working, our sex life together has improved a lot. We use toys, go to a swinger's club (no touching others yet) and have tried a fair range of kinks. We talked about going to a therapist, she resisted, then said OK, then has not found anyone yet, so that is still a possibility.

It has been VERY difficult at times. Some yelling, some crying. But we are stronger together than ever.

The libido mismatch is still there though and now we are in the discussion about whether I can have a FWB to get rid of some of the extra. As it turns out, she may prefer me being with a guy as it may be easier for her to separate and not consider it an intrusion into the marriage. That is fine bi me :-)

So, my message is to try to open the conversation and talk about it. It probably will not be easy, but cheating is not the answer. Finding a solution is.

Good luck, hopefully love and openness with help you find a way..

Liz

[MidMichCouple]

That's a tough spot to be in for sure but one that I'm sure a lot of people you will meet on this site can relate to. About 10 years ago I was wrestling with the idea of telling my wife but was flat out scared to death. I didn't want to lose her but I couldn't deny who I was any longer. I'd known I was bi since 7th grade but had never led on to her about it. I had never cheated on her and didn't want to, I had too much respect for our marriage to act on my feelings without her knowing one way or the other. Having been married at that point for about 8 years I was sure our relationship was strong enough to deal with it, I was hoping anyway. So I sat her down and told her, I had never been more scared of a conversation in my life. When I told her he looked at me and said "that is so awesome" (I thought I was in the Twilight Zone for a minute) she then went on to explain that not only did she really want to be with a woman but she'd fantasized about me being with another man in the past, then she gave me a HUGE kiss and said "we need to find you a boyfriend huh". I was a bit shocked by the second part of that to be honest, I was speechless. Obviously my wife is what I would call rare in that she no only accepted me being bi but is also turned on by it. Either way though, I knew I had to tell her but sitting her down and actually telling her was the most scared moment of my life. You have different issues obviously with your wife making comments that lead you to believe that she finds being bi to be disgusting. Has she ever told you what has led to her opinion of bisexuality? Was it a bad experience when she was younger? was it how she was raised? If I were you the first thing I would try to find out is what is the basis for her thinking on bisexuality? At least at that point you will know what arguments you're going to have to be prepared for and defend against. If you have mutual friends who are openly bi that you feel comfortable enough with maybe talk to them about it, if they're friends with her also they may be able to give you some help on how to bring it up. They may have some idea of what her main objection to it is also. Either way, I wish you the best. You're in a tough spot I hope it works out well for you, take care.

[want2havefun]

To give another viewpoint...
Its rather easy for outsiders to say that if someone isnt getting sex, enough sex, or the kind of sex they want etc in a long term marriage that they:
A - should divorce
B - shouldnt have married to begin with
C - should tell their spouse every dirty secret about themselves
D - should not seek any safe sexual pleasure outside of that relation

Regarding A: For many of us marriage involves MUCH more than just sex, so using only sex as a reason to divorce may indeed be a very bad choice. It may be the only area in a relation that isnt up to par.

Regarding B: This one is stupid frankly. It doesnt take into consideration that a spouse/partner may have changed from what was once a 'sexual animal' or at least a very compatible sex partner to a sexless friend, or anything else in between.

Regarding C: This can go either way. Those for whom it worked out and who's partners now support or participate in their fun will tout the benefits of telling. Those who live in a van down by the river because they shared this info are likely not posting much in these threads. You had better KNOW you partner before sharing everything. If you absolutely know your spouse is completely repulsed by a sexual behavior it may be best to remain silent....unless you are looking for trouble. Frankly some spouses will never be tolerant of even fantasies they deem are 'disgusting', 'immoral', 'sick', 'perverted' etc etc etc Some people just do not have a capacity to accept such things or differences in others.

Regarding D: Tough call. For some type safe carefully matched fwb fun is the right answer. It may even help them better cope with their life and benefit them. For others its 'draining' and destructive and/or leads to destructive emotional love affairs. To know the difference for yourself requires some deep honest self examination.

Also, I would tend to ignore those who preach from their ivory towers on this subject. They often are involved in relations where sexual freedom abounds OR are willing to change marriage partners like underwear to get what they want or even do so as a pattern. Personally I find it difficult to take advice from such regarding ONE long term relationship when they have never successfully maintained just one, but had several repeated divorces/separations. Its also easy to tell others to deny themselves sexual pleasure when one has what they desire and does not share their situation. ;) One must look to their own value system and needs to determine these answers. For some some play may be the ticket, for others its get out and move on, or stay and "enjoy" whatever sex life their partner allows even if thats nothing.

[æonpax]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this site and, new to admitting to my self that I am a bisexual! I've read all the post's, threads, articles, forums on this site and, I've become aware that the majority of people on this site are great people with above average intelligence! I'm confused and frightened because I am married and my wife cannot know that I'm thinking about having sex with the same sex! We both know people (women) that are self professed bi-sexual and she (wife) thinks it's discusting. When we talk about it (bi-sexuality) it literatly makes her gag. :eek: It does turn me on though. ;) We've been married for 32 years and I truley love her but, women problems have stopped her from having intercourse :( and she never did like oral sex.) :( So I found and, turned to this site for answers and maybe, sex :tongue: I've never cheated on her but, I think I'm going to. :rolleyes: I'd love to see if anyone here is in the same predict I'm in and how do you handle it? I've thought about cybersex, phonesex, and the like but I can't get aroused without a warm body (yes I've been very horney without sex!!). Please help. I'm all ears. In advance, Thank you.


I don’t do advice, but I can offer perspective or Food For Thought.

Common sense would dictate that if you are having marital sexual concerns, you should be open and honest with your partner and discuss it. While honesty appears to be the best policy, many times, practical life policy dictates that sometimes, things that are hidden should remain hidden.

The human balance here is the possible benefits, hurt or harm being honest may cause. It gets even more complicated when heterosexual activity, crosses over into homosexual activity.

Sex, for pure enjoyment, is an extremely powerful motivator. Weigh both the benefits and long-term consequences.

[DuckiesDarling]

Just wondering if people are noticing the OP hasn't been on since May of 2007.......

[Moonlight_BHI]

I am going to soo regret saying this but,
You will not die if you don't have any same-sex contact. It may feel like your missing out or something.
Since talking to your wife about it seems to not be an option, do what a few people here are saying, go to a sex therapist.

I believe if your in a commitment, phone sex, cybersex or webcam is cheating.
Cheating should never be an option, it can destroy your commitment in the end. Not to mention hurt you, your partner and if you stay together it can cause many issues. Trust is lost, fears creep up, love is not lessened but its hidden away and communication becomes very hard. Especially if your the one who cheated and truly regret it.

My last :2cents: for you is:
Take what everyone says into thought but its up to you in the end what you decide to do.

Good Luck

[elian]

Just wondering if people are noticing the OP hasn't been on since May of 2007.......

Maybe he decided to "tough it out" and stick with his wife? Lots of guys in the same situation I guess. I'm single with no children but I feel the same way about coming out to my parents and other family members. Emotionally I'm now relatively happy with my sexuality but my preference is like he last lie I have left. I just love them too much to be condemned for something as fundamental as "who I love"

[chook]

Just wondering if people are noticing the OP hasn't been on since May of 2007.......

Just a minor detail.


Cheers Chook :bigrin:

[falcondfw]

To give another viewpoint...
Its rather easy for outsiders to say that if someone isnt getting sex, enough sex, or the kind of sex they want etc in a long term marriage that they:
A - should divorce
B - shouldnt have married to begin with
C - should tell their spouse every dirty secret about themselves
D - should not seek any safe sexual pleasure outside of that relation

Regarding A: For many of us marriage involves MUCH more than just sex, so using only sex as a reason to divorce may indeed be a very bad choice. It may be the only area in a relation that isnt up to par.

Regarding B: This one is stupid frankly. It doesnt take into consideration that a spouse/partner may have changed from what was once a 'sexual animal' or at least a very compatible sex partner to a sexless friend, or anything else in between.

Regarding C: This can go either way. Those for whom it worked out and who's partners now support or participate in their fun will tout the benefits of telling. Those who live in a van down by the river because they shared this info are likely not posting much in these threads. You had better KNOW you partner before sharing everything. If you absolutely know your spouse is completely repulsed by a sexual behavior it may be best to remain silent....unless you are looking for trouble. Frankly some spouses will never be tolerant of even fantasies they deem are 'disgusting', 'immoral', 'sick', 'perverted' etc etc etc Some people just do not have a capacity to accept such things or differences in others.

Regarding D: Tough call. For some type safe carefully matched fwb fun is the right answer. It may even help them better cope with their life and benefit them. For others its 'draining' and destructive and/or leads to destructive emotional love affairs. To know the difference for yourself requires some deep honest self examination.

Also, I would tend to ignore those who preach from their ivory towers on this subject. They often are involved in relations where sexual freedom abounds OR are willing to change marriage partners like underwear to get what they want or even do so as a pattern. Personally I find it difficult to take advice from such regarding ONE long term relationship when they have never successfully maintained just one, but had several repeated divorces/separations. Its also easy to tell others to deny themselves sexual pleasure when one has what they desire and does not share their situation. ;) One must look to their own value system and needs to determine these answers. For some some play may be the ticket, for others its get out and move on, or stay and "enjoy" whatever sex life their partner allows even if thats nothing.

Not all of us are in the boats you describe, but cheating is never an answer, unless you are a deceitful person to begin with.
I lost my wife, my job (she called my boss), and my kids who I only get to see every weekend.
But I could not live a lie. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner and be supportive. If they can't be supportive, are they really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? If they won't support you in this, what else will they not support you in?
Careful of painting everybody with a limited brush (or brushes). Not all of us square pegs have square holes to go into.
I stand by my earlier statement. Deception is never the answer. Even if being honest hurts like hell for a while.

[falcondfw]

Just wondering if people are noticing the OP hasn't been on since May of 2007.......

Nope Duckie. Didn't notice. But I should have. Thanks for the sanity check. lol.

[void()]

Welcome to the group luvrnpa. I hope you'll find some answers to your questions and met some wonderful new friends.

I'm sorry to hear that your communications are not going well with your wife and that you feel cheating is the answer. I do hope before you commit to such actions that you will also take into consideration all the consequences of doing so.

Good luck in whatever choices you decide to make.

*nods & accepts arana reading his mind and spilling these words so well ... does the tootle pip wandering on humming a tune sung by Freddie Mercury*

[want2havefun]

Not all of us are in the boats you describe, but cheating is never an answer, blah blah blah...

Thanks for the sermon from up there on your ivory tower, but I never suggested ALL of us were in the same boat.
In fact I suggested otherwise.
And likewise...I stand by my statements.

[ckman314]

My advice too you is that you talk too her, sit her down and have it out, tell her where you are in the relationship it seems no matter what road you take it will end up badly for your relationship at least if you talked too her first you did the right thing and don't have too feel bad or be labeled a cheater a bisexual cheater at that, last thing you need is her outing you too everyone over rage but I think she will respect you more if you let it out. Maybe hold off on the bi part for a while and just try too correct the love making between the two of you first


Hope that helps in anyway

[qiangqiang]

My condition is much better than you. I am a bisexual. But I am only interested in those "very beautiful" boys, and only they will make me sexual (https://acmejoy.com/). My wife also knows about me, but she did not stop me, but sometimes encourages me! During the period also often guide me! Because she is also a bisexual, she often brings her "partner" to play together.