Why are we bi folks looked down upon by LGBTQ community?

[Grant_Norman]

I find it so peculiar that the LGBTQ community, a definite minority community in the world, has many members that look down on us bisexuals. Why? Just because I enjoy sexual activities with both men and women, why should that put off any LGTQ people? Is it really a big deal? Have many of you been put down by gay or lesbian counterparts? If so, why?

[KDaddy23]

Simply? Because bisexuals aren't gay. Just that ugly part of humanity that says if you're not like us, you're against us. Birds of a feather flock together except, again, bisexuals aren't gay. We are, I guess, "technically" kinda/sorta like them but not really. The remit of the LGBTQ+ community is - or is supposed to be - to stand up for the right of people who just don't want to be heterosexual if they don't wanna be... but bisexuals, even if by definition alone, are both straight and gay and to whatever degree they are - that fluidity thing people are just now starting to notice (and I've wondered what's taken them so long to realize something I knew a very long time ago). There's great angst in the community because someone figured out that bisexuals actually do not have the same problems that homosexuals have had to deal with - that straight privilege thing that's being talked about so much. And, as such, in the eyes of some in the LGBTQ+ community, bisexuals are the enemy because we aren't like them and their problems aren't our problems. Do you really believe that all the angst about bisexuality is coming from straight folks? I hope you don't because while some straight folks have issues with bisexuals. um, that's not the source of all this biphobia shit going on: It's coming from disgruntled factions fo the LGBTQ+ community.

And, yes: I've had gay folks attack me and give me shit about not being gay like they are. Used to piss me off big time until I looked at things from their point of view and it boils down to them being gay... and I'm not... and they want me to be gay with them... and I'm not feeling any of that. There's a hypocrisy in this, too: Gay folks love having sex with bisexuals... but hate the fact that we, again, aren't of a mind to be gay like them, get into relationships with them, or if we do get in a relationship with them, don't stay in it or "cheat" on them because bisexuals still like, love, and/or enjoy opposite sex stuff.

So we get to be the bad guy in the LGBTQ+ thing but it is to note that it's not the whole community - just some really pissed off people who think that bisexuals have no business being involved in shit that's part and parcel of their lives and struggles. Should it not be this way? It shouldn't... and it changes nothing because it is that way and, actually, has been way before it became an issue and before LGBTQ+ even existed.

[tenni]

“bisexuals aren't gay.”

Bisexuals are fluid and this may baffle some of the other sexualities (monosexuals-gay and hetero) only attracted to one sexuality).

This misunderstanding exists for some gays. Gay people can develop emotional attachment to a bisexual and if the bi person leaves the gay person for an opposite gender, the gay person might be upset. The mono sexual may want a monogamous relationship and bis may want both. Some gay people think that the bi person is in transition like the gay person was. They think that all bisexuals just haven’t found that they are really gay(like the gay person may have experienced).


Another thing that happens frequently is that a self identified bi person on this site, speaks about having “gay sex”. If you are bisexual whether you may have sex with a man or a woman you are not having gay sex. You are not gay. Gay people only have sex with same gender(sex). You have sex with both genders over time and like it.

The least that we can ask from people is to use proper terms and understand the different relationships that bisexuals have.

Many gay people do understand that bisexuals are not really gay these day.

As we see on this site, some bisexuals are inclined to not permit themself an emotional attachment to same gender people. They post that they are only attracted to dick on a man and not his body mind etc. In reality, beyond the internal biphobia that they may have, an emotional attraction to a woman may be different emotional attraction to another man. (my theory..lol) We have to find out clearer what emotional attachment really means for us and not fear it.

[GayGuy04]

Everyone is different whatever fits their needs they are apart of the LGBT community whatever you like sexual either that's your choice

[Grant_Norman]

Yes...fluid is a good word...for me sex is sex...gender is truly irrelevant...

[dan.woodlawn]

Humans, it seems forever...have divided and created "in groups" and the more people like you, you easily "see" those samenesses...the more differences, the more you spot those.
there is always a certain amount of pride in who you are, just look at all you had to go through to get here...When that pride overshrouds your ability to place value in others experiences, it becomes dangerous.

Think about that...if we all placed MORE value in others experiences on their journey to "here"...the world would be vastly different.

[travelingman5000]

Maybe "they" are concerned bisexuality in some way supports the argument that sexuality is a choice? I don't know what it is but I have definitely experienced bigotry online from gay man.

[SilkyHoseLover]

A year or so ago, I exchanged several emails with a very intelligent gay man who was interested in discussing this topic. What I took away from our discussion was the impression that -- at least, in SOME cases -- a gay man will have very traditional feelings of romantic love and fidelity in a relationship with another man, and that many bisexual men eschew a romantic attachment, and are only looking for sex. These men seek a long-term, monogamous relationship. (Again -- please note that I said 'some' men, and am not attempting to paint with a broad brush or stereotype.)

Based upon this, I can understand reluctance to seek out adventures with bisexual men like me, but not hold us in contempt for our preference.

[dowmass]

A year or so ago, I exchanged several emails with a very intelligent gay man who was interested in discussing this topic. What I took away from our discussion was the impression that -- at least, in SOME cases -- a gay man will have very traditional feelings of romantic love and fidelity in a relationship with another man, and that many bisexual men eschew a romantic attachment, and are only looking for sex. These men seek a long-term, monogamous relationship. (Again -- please note that I said 'some' men, and am not attempting to paint with a broad brush or stereotype.)

Based upon this, I can understand reluctance to seek out adventures with bisexual men like me, but not hold us in contempt for our preference.


MY question would be : is it not possible for a man love a woman (maybe a girlfriend or spouse) and another man equally?

[darkeyes]

“bisexuals aren't gay.

Many gay people do understand that bisexuals are not really gay these day.





Many, I would argue most, gay and lesbian people understand this. Sadly too many dont. I like people generally whoever and whatever they are, and spend much of my life trying to have everyone accept and be respectful of and to difference.

[Coastocoast]

Many but not all of the gay men that I have had in depth conversations with indicated they felt and told me I was gay and in denial. Many also have the impression men who identify as bisexual are only looking for sex. I am VERY selective as to who I meet with, am monogamous and super careful during COVID as I help to care for my aging father. If someone is looking for one and out or appears to be a picture hunter I tell them good luck with what they are looking for, I am looking for something different and moving on. The latest individual I was trying to get to know was hounding me for photos and meeting after I told him I am taking things slow especially with COVID. He finally said send a picture NOW! I was shocked and replied we are looking for different things, good luck I am moving on. He went off calling me a closet fag, a fraud and it deteriorated from there. That one word had me hitting ignore settings and I was very upset. The word is not in my vocabulary and a slur I will not tolerate anyone saying to anyone. I have often told people there is no LGBTQ community, there are straight, bi and others but there is nothing remotely cohesive among those who are not straight, the bisexual community is the odd one out. Bi men are normally not widely accepted by others period, bi women are more fortunate. I have flat out stopped looking for anyone at the moment.

[NakedInSeattle]

Because we are neither straight nor gay. And that's ok with me...that's what we are.

[Sigstache]

Bigotry knows no bounds. Ive read that gays have been that way towards bisexuals since forever. In my opinion its no different that the hate straight people have for gays. Its stupid and a waste of time. Maybe they're afraid we'll make them bisexual if they hang around us, lol. People are what they are and sexuality isn't limited to gay or straight for some.

[SilkyHoseLover]

MY question would be : is it not possible for a man love a woman (maybe a girlfriend or spouse) and another man equally?

Don't know if you're addressing me directly, or if this is put out as a hypothetical. For me, the answer is almost certainly 'No'. Maybe it's my age, having grown up in a very different era, when it was assumed that people would slip into fairly rigidly-defined roles. But I'm just not wired to have feelings of emotional, romantic love for another man.

But I can only speak definitively for myself. If I were to answer in a broader context, I'd say that it's very possible for some, and hope that those who can, do!

It's a big world. I'd like to think that there's room for everybody.

[void()]

MY question would be : is it not possible for a man love a woman (maybe a girlfriend or spouse) and another man equally?


It is possible. Have done so myself. Currently I'm happy being with wife only. I might meet a guy that takes my fancy but I'm not a social butterfly, or actively "looking". Tend to be rather selective. For one thing I don't associate with those who hate.

[Ebonybifemme7]

Yeah, gays dont like bisexuals at all, some even hate bisexuals. I know some bisexual women who have to pretend to be lesbians in order to have relationships with other more masculine and out gay women. Also, most people think that bisexual men are gay or will come out as completely gay in the near future.

[darkeyes]

Yeah, gays dont like bisexuals at all, some even hate bisexuals. I know some bisexual women who have to pretend to be lesbians in order to have relationships with other more masculine and out gay women. Also, most people think that bisexual men are gay or will come out as completely gay in the near future.This sort of generalisation does tick me off.. Sure some gay men and women are as u say, but the reality in my experience is very different. I talk as a lesbian, and anything I say about gay men can be and are only observations of what I have seen of their world and heard from gay men friends. About lesbians I speak from experience and my knowledge of the lesbian world in my own country at least.

Some bisexual women do pretend lesbianism to get laid by lesbian and other bisexual women. Much of this pretend lesbianism is often not pretend, but a means of disguising the reality of true lesbianism. Not always, but often. (Sometimes of course, playing lesbian or bisexual is to attract the opposite sex for reasons we all know well but I will not address that issue)

Often it is a pretence not really required since most lesbians I know are quite happy to get off with, sleep with and have relationships with bisexual women whether or not their bisexuality is a front. Even if it is just to try and prove to herself or the woman that the woman is really a lesbian and not bisexual as she claims. A quite reprehensible reason in my view, but it happens and is a notoriously bad way of proving sexuality of anyone.

Some women do the same thing with str8 women they think may be unaware of lesbianism or at least same sex attraction within them. I have sensed same sex attraction in other women and tried to seduce them not to prove anything to them or myself, just because I fancy them, and out of desire. Needless to say sometimes it is out of wishful thinking and I am knocked back more often than I am knocked off��!

It doesn't matter whether they believe women can be bisexual or not. some lesbians dont, many do. It so happens I am of the latter, but gay women are human beings and like all human beings have opinions and desires right across the spectrum and are often simply wrong. In the main we do not look down on bisexual women any more than we do on str8 or other gay women.. They are women to be liked, disliked, even h8ed or loved, played with or no for many reasons far more important than their sexuality.

I have never had sex with a transwoman .. almost once, but if there is a phobia among gay women it exists regarding transwomen. Even then not all gay women suffer it. I think it is a phobia I may have myself in the truest sense of the word.. I am not afraid of them as human beings neither do I dislike them, am sometimes physically and emotionally attracted to themand certainly don't h8 them for who or what they are.

I almost had sex with an attractive transgirl some years ago but backed off out of an irrational fear I only partially understand. It was a very confusing time of my life and while I have several transwomen friends, I do not believe I have gotten over that phobia entirely. One remains one of the great fantasy objects of my life, but still I have never quite overcome or entirely understand that phobia, and tbh, I am not sure I ever shall.

We are all very complex human beings and have fears and dislikes, likes, loves and desires like every other human being. I try not to generalise, and it is something we should all try to avoid. Sadly we dont. Gay, str8, Bi, trans or intersex we are all prone to it and God, does it not cause much hurt among human beings and harm to the world!!

[Jazminedress]

Darkeyes, I would respectfully disagree with you on a few points. Being English, living in the USA, I have my finger slightly on the pulse of both areas, and there are definetley cultural differences. Not speaking of hates and likes, but different mentality.

I have found in the USA, even the gay / lesbian community is divided into multiple camps. You have the live and let live, you have your life I have mine group. We also have the militant I am going to shove my sexuality down your throat group. (Now to be fair, we have both groups in many subjects from race, to police,religon, to politics etc etc etc), heck, as a musician, we have it in the musical world too.

Where I think, and I could be wrong, but where I believe the perceived hatred (true or not does not matter, perception is reality to the person perceiving) comes from, is that the most vocal on social media, interviews and in the public are the people who are very aggressive and militant, it's just a by product of social media and everyone being able to have a voice.
So, when you hear those voices all the time, that becomes your perception.

Being who and what I am, I have had people tell me they were surprised. They figured I was going to be one of those ass holes that causes problems, screams and yells you mis- pro-nouned me, you did it on purpose calling them all kinds of names. When I ask why, 99% of the time, it's well, what I read, what I saw on the news, the arn't you all like that ?

I get it, when I am with a group, the only thing I am willing to fight over is the last chicken wing. I am also smart enough to know, based on physical features, we are already pre-programmed to respond by gender before we take the full picture in. Truthfully, most people are very polite to me and dont care when I am in public, but I also take responsibility for my own behavior. When with completely straight people, there is more joking around and good natured laughing.

The hatred I have dealt with, has been from the gay/lesbian community, not the christian heterosexual community. Personally, I generally won't hang out with those groups, it's not worth it most of the time. Either the conversation all night is the from Lesbians wanting to make sure I knew for a fact I could never be actually female, or gay men demanding I quit playing both sides of the coin and admit I am gay, which I am not. I have been in the middle of these things where I figure it's time to kick off the heels and throw down, which sucks because heels can be damn expensive.

In contrast, with straight people, it may be one or two questions, then they just go about their party or gathering and you are just part of the group. Out here we have parts of the gay community that are on a mission to "out" everyone. Forget respecting privacy, they need to be "outed", and thats wrong on many levels, but they feel it is their duty.

This is sad because I also have many gay friends who just live their life, their private life is their private life, and even they usually prefer straight bars for the less drama

I think at the core of it all whether it is the hetero / homo -sexual community, people who are truly bisexual confuse them as in this world a good percentage of people are all or nothing in most things in life. The fact that we can be sexually attracted to both genders is hard for them to understand, so they either figure we are overly horny and jumping on anything that moves, or we are in denial, and the way it come sout, is hatred, or perceived hatred

I used to always get a table in the back when dressed and keep low key, now, I just don't care. If anyone approaches me, it's usually a lady asking me where I bought something. Funniest thing I ever had happen, a guy had been drinking, I was wearing a LBD and I guess his wife was too. He was walking around and slapped me on the ass. His wife saw and came over, when I turned around he was choking on his words just trying to figure out what to do and say. When his wife got there and realized what I was, she busted out laughing, he was still turning red. I mean its bad enough you grab the wrong ass, but then it turns out to be a CD. We did the usual it's okay, no harm no fowl thing.

Ten minutes later, he bought our table a round of drinks and apoligized again. A few weeks later I was visiting one of our stores and they came in. I said hello, about 3 minutews later you could physically see realization creep into his face, it was epic

[darkeyes]

Jazmine, on another issue somewhere on this site a long time ago I wrote that perception is a person's view on the world, and that how a person sees the world is based on his or her life's experience and so becomes his or her view of it. I agree with u 100% on that. We differ I suppose on how deep it runs through our societies and just how badly our societies are twisted by it. Yes I do think our societies are badly twisted by historical reconditioning but perhaps I have been lucky enough not to perceive by experience quite the hostility of u or other by folk tho make no mistake I have experienced much hostility because of my past and present sexuality.

I lived the life as a bi woman for a lot of years and did endure hostility from some gay women and some gay men make no mistake, but not by most wherever I had been in the UK at that time. Since accepting my lesbianism I have tried to make sure that my sisters and others accept bisexuals (both men and women) for who and what they are and bear no I'll will towards them. On my only trip to the US I sensed some resentment to my then wife and partner who was herself bisexual but not as much as I expected. So my perception is different. It is my reality. It doesn't mean necessarily I am right of wrong or that I or ne1 else is, it means we fight our corner based on whatever our perception is and try and find our own truth which is often the truth of those we encounter. Not always by me means but that's how it goes!

We may perceive different amounts of resentment towards the bisexual community, but it is our perception and so to a great extent I agree with u.

[void()]

Jazminedress writes:
..., the most vocal on social media, interviews and in the public are the people who are very aggressive and militant, it's just a by product of social media and everyone being able to have a voice.

Out here we have parts of the gay community that are on a mission to "out" everyone. Forget respecting privacy, they need to be "outed", and thats wrong on many levels, but they feel it is their duty.

This is sad because I also have many gay friends who just live their life, their private life is their private life, and even they usually prefer straight bars for the less drama

You point to media. In media divisiveness sells. Divisiveness also evokes, that is to say it stirs emotion. As you also point out it invokes drama. People use drama to create narrative unfortunately. Humans are funny creatures that way, so attached to emotion.

We should be mature enough as a race to realize we're merely observers. That stated we've no authority to draw conclusions, be attached to emotions, or ideas from emotions. Reality though finds us not that mature. Doubtful I'm conveying anything unheard or unknown. And no, I've no answer/s to combat hatred save love. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't.

Suppose in a nutshell, know the battles you pick. May consider The Book of Five Rings, too. ;) :):bigrin::tongue:

[Riderinthestorm]

MY question would be : is it not possible for a man love a woman (maybe a girlfriend or spouse) and another man equally?


It is completely possible, particularly for pansexuals that are also polyamorous. The hardest part is finding partners that are polyamorous as well, in order to make it work. That part is made difficult by our inbred monogamy that has been pounded into our psyche for the past few thousand years.

[void()]

darkeyes writes:
..., somewhere on this site a long time ago I wrote that perception is a person's view on the world, and that how a person sees the world is based on his or her life's experience

Aye so mote it create the grand illusion we agree to call reality. Humans are also interesting as being the only animal with an organ which named itself, the brain. No surprise then we call that illusion real. If you consider determinism soundly enough you accept the illusion as real.

Ah, but we're the observers are we not? What happens when we shift our gaze? ;) Nay, not speaking of navel gazing either, luv. You know me far better than such fancy. What else can be real? Oh the probabilities!

[void()]

It is completely possible, particularly for pansexuals that are also polyamorous. The hardest part is finding partners that are polyamorous as well, in order to make it work.

Well, from my experience, it can be done if one finds understanding and loving partners. They need not be polyamorous, or pansexual. Granted that may be of more help. Ultimately though it's possible without those variables.

Apologies, not intending to contradict or confront. Merely relaying my experience. Know everyone has their own.

[tenni]

The issue of being "out" has been discussed on this site several times but I don't think that it has been discussed recently. It seems to me that "being out" is a gay philosophical value. For mono sexual homosexuals some believe it helps them accept themselves if they announce their sexuality publicly.

Bisexuals do not necessarily believe in being out. For some bisexuals they believe that their sexuality is something to be discussed with the person(s) that they will have sexual relationship with. It is no one else need to know. Is this attitude hiding or a difference in values? Some/many monosexuals (gay and heterosexual) people seem to believe announcing your sexuality publicly is a healing act psychologically and emotionally. Heterosexuals do not seem to being "out" though. It is because hetrosexuals are the dominate sexuality as being what is "normal" and should be accepted.

For some bisexuals, outing themselves is uncomfortable. If they are in a relationship with a heterosexual who believes in monogamy it can be difficult to live with in a guilt free relationship. Many bisexuals would prefer a more open relationship to accommodate their" bi" self. For them it is possible to love more than one person. Gay and heterosexuals tend to be monogamous . If they are honest some gays state that they tend to be more open relationship based. This is perhaps more so for gay or heterosexual in long term relationships of more than five to twenty years.

Some bisexuals are comfortable with some form of relationship with more open relationships. Some biguys are not interested in a romantic relationship with other men. (not sure about women bisexuals) They want to emotionally connect with women and not men. Some bi guys say they only want dick and are not attracted to men (body, soul, emotionally) Some see that attitude as experiencing internalized Biphobia. There is not just one way to live as a bisexual when dealing with issues of "out" value or love.

[Jazminedress]

Personally, I believe being out should be a personal choice, my only issue is when people feel it is their duty to out others, I think someone's wishes should be respected. I have a small circle that know about me, and thats because,its who I choose to know

[Coastocoast]

This entire thread is very different than what most of what we have seen on this site in recent years. I tend to stay away from here more in recent times, I used to come here a lot more. In recent years, the site has been a lot more of a porn, conquest bragging and erotica exchange site, especially since we lost Drew who I miss immensely. What I have missed about the site are the frank discussions like this regarding the issues that impact our sexuality. I just want to thank everyone for writing about their personal thoughts and experiences. This conversation acknowledging that we each may see things differently by where we live and through our personal experiences is refreshing.

[Jazminedress]

This entire thread is very different than what most of what we have seen on this site in recent years. I tend to stay away from here more in recent times, I used to come here a lot more. In recent years, the site has been a lot more of a porn, conquest bragging and erotica exchange site, especially since we lost Drew who I miss immensely. What I have missed about the site are the frank discussions like this regarding the issues that impact our sexuality. I just want to thank everyone for writing about their personal thoughts and experiences. This conversation acknowledging that we each may see things differently by where we live and through our personal experiences is refreshing.

I agree, I kinda like the community aspect. I killed my instagram because all it was, daily dick pics. Guys would say hi by sending a picture of their junk. Maybe its the new way of shaking hands, I dont know. There are some really good people here

[Coastocoast]

I agree, I kinda like the community aspect. I killed my instagram because all it was, daily dick pics. Guys would say hi by sending a picture of their junk. Maybe its the new way of shaking hands, I dont know. There are some really good people here

No that is just being rude and crude. I enjoy the good conversations and people who engage in them here, the junk shots and other stuff can be found elsewhere and I wish they stayed there.

[void()]

tenni writes:
There is not just one way to live as a bisexual when dealing with issues of "out" value or love.

Merci. Vous le dites si bien. Il est bon de voir les gens réaliser cela des autres.

Thank you. You say this so well. It is good seeing people come to realize this of others.

(And no tenni, I unfortunately do not speak French fluently. You may thank Google translate. I thought you deserved the compliment in French. :) If it helps imagine a deep Southern North American country boy drawling out and butchering the French. And I know I would.)

Jazminedress writes:
Personally, I believe being out should be a personal choice, my only issue is when people feel it is their duty to out others, I think someone's wishes should be respected. I have a small circle that know about me, and thats because,its who I choose to know

This sounds real familiar. Feel much the same though I'm a bit more distanced from feeling it. Not distanced in a bad way. I'm distanced from feeling a lot of emotion. That's just a learned way of living for me.

As to the thread's tone. Agree here, it has been quite nice there's actually a conversation. Sex is a joy and lovely. Life though is not all sex. I enjoy whole people, not portions of them. Well, at least when I'm not feeling misanthropic. *grin, chuckles*