kindofcurious
Oct 16, 2020, 2:24 PM
Hello all. I made a post in the New Members thread introducing myself, but I wanted to make a separate, lengthier post as I talk this through in my head. I'm willing to bet I won't be shocked to discover my situation isn't entirely unique. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am not 100% heterosexual. I still don't feel like "bisexual" is quite the right term, but maybe the label doesn't really matter. I suppose I'm a guy who is attracted only to women but isn't entirely opposed to the idea of pleasuring another cock or having another person with a cock pleasure mine. Here's my story. I grew up in a very heteronormative and semireligious household. I don't recall being taught that any or all things lgbtq were bad, but I didn't have any reference for it and never experienced any such feelings. I have only had (and thoroughly enjoyed) sex with two women, my ex-wife and current wife. The thought of being with another man never crossed my mind for most of my life. I should mention I have had a borderline unhealthy porn habit for pretty much my entire adult life. For years, it was always typical male on female and of course some female on female. Sometimes I would watch a scene with dp or a girl sucking two cocks, and their dicks would touch. I remember thinking it was weird because doesn't make them gay? For years I put even "straight" mfm fantasies out of my head out of concern that my dick might touch another dick.
Occasionally, during a rabbit hole porn session, I would click on a thumbnail and not realize until the page opened that the lovely lady in the video actually had a penis. I'd giggle and close the page. After a few times, I watched a little longer, out of juvenile amusement. Eventually I acknowledged that I found it entertaining but not necessarily arousing. As long as I wasn't hard, I wasn't gay for watching it. I was mostly curious how passable the leading lady was. Some of them must have been pretty passable, or enough so that I eventually discovered I had a raging hard on that was demanding attention. I suppose the cock wants what the cock wants, and if stroking it felt good, why would I deprive myself of that? As long as I don't cum while watching it, it's not gay, right? A few times, I must have stroked a little too much or edged a little too far, and before I knew it, I was pumping out a load of cum. The first few times, I felt a rush of shame and guilt and actively avoided ts porn for months after. After a while, I'd see a link for it and figured it couldn't hurt to watch just a little, and the cycle would start over.
I finally got a point where I admitted I was sexually aroused by it, but it still accounted for less than 10% of my porn consumption, which is still the case. Inevitably, while browsing ts porn, some gay porn would sneak in. I went through the same process of gradual acceptance. I still enjoy ts porn more, but I guess there's something about seeing a cock being pleasured by any reasonable means available that is very relatable. To be clear, I don't find men attractive in general. Just about every woman I encounter I picture naked and/or envision having sex with. I want to fuck pretty much every woman I know. But I've never experienced this with men and have never fantasized about a specific man. I don't really even care for kissing or caressing in gay porn. Just sucking and fucking. I never look at a man and think I want to fuck him, but if I happen to find myself in a situation where one can make my cock feel good, well...that doesn't seem so bad. And it would just be rude not to return the favor.
I should also mention that my wife and I have not had sex in several years. It was amazing before we got married, but rapidly declined soon after. I assure you, we absolutely love each other very much, but that issue is a whole other post. However, during my sex drought, my porn consumption and solo activities have drastically increased, and in turn, my catalog of thing I find pleasurable has expanded. Mostly, my fantasies revolve around reigniting things with my wife. She occasionally sucks my dick but has never liked having cum in her mouth. It seems unreasonable of me to want that from her if I don't know what cum tastes and feels like in my mouth. So I tried it. I touched my tongue to a bit of precum, but it didn't really taste anything. Later I tried licking a glob of cum off my hand. Again, not too bad. Not something I crave in my mouth, but I don't mind it. Now, when I have some precum dribble when I'm not quite ready to cum, I'll just lick it off my fingers. I've also always wanted to try anal sex with her, but she's never been receptive to the idea of having anything in her ass. Again, how can I reasonably expect her to do it if I'm not willing to try? So lately, I've gotten into sticking things up my ass. Now that I DO like. I don't know if having another man fucking me in the ass would be quite the same or as pleasurable, but at least it wouldn't be entirely new or unsettling. I also enjoy taking pictures of her, for which she is usually a very willing participant. She doesn't mind getting naked or sucking my dick while I snap a few pictures. But she's less inclined to put on lingerie or sexy outfits. So I do that myself instead. I put on the outfits I wish she would wear and photograph myself how I wish she would pose. I even create images of me as me with me as her. I look at them as I jerk off wearing her panties with her otherwise unused vibrating egg up my ass.
She doesn't know any of this. Well, not quite. She knows and accepts (and possibly encourages) that I watch porn. She has said she's fine with it and knows it's normal, but we have never discussed what exactly I watch or how often. She rarely uses my computer, but I'm still usually very careful to cover my tracks. One time I wasn't so careful. I had unknowingly left several tabs of ts porn open when she sat down at my computer to print something. I heard from the other room "What is THIS?!" I ran in and was horrified on the inside, but on the outside I started laughing. I said was in the middle of a very normal porn session when some of this stuff popped up. I had never really watched it before and thought it was amusing. Then when I realized I shouldn't be watching it, I walked away to go to bed and forgot to close it. The End. I did not disclose that I was looking at it because I had purposely sought it out, and I actually walked away because I had a rather explosive orgasm I had to clean up and forgot to go back to my computer. I think she bought my story. But a few times since then, we've seen a transgender women and she's asked if I find them pretty. I just shrug and say "I dunno."
I realize I have several points of entry to gradually coming out to her, but I still can't quite wrap my head around it. She's a very open minded and accepting person and would be very supportive of me as a human being, but as her husband...I honestly don't know. She has often said that she's turned on by men making our, but never anything explicitly including me. I suppose next time she shoots down my request to cum in her mouth, I can subtly suggest that I actually don't think it's so bad. Or next time she scoffs at the idea of anal sex, I can suggest that we get his and hers butt plugs and both try it out first. And next time she's reluctant to wear a pair of thigh highs for a photoshoot, maybe I can slap on a pair, just for a laugh. Perhaps these baby steps could normalize these things and maybe even prompt her to offer the idea that she'd be turned on to see me with another man. I'd say, "What? Hmm, well if that would get you off, then maybe I could give it a shot." I'm just afraid to spring it on her all at once. We have other sex issues we need to resolve, and this would only complicate things. Honestly, it's not even that important to me to have an experience with another man. I'd much rather get our sex life back on track and stick with watching the occasional ts/gay porn. Then, maybe once we're back in a healthy place, I can start to introduce new ideas. Anyway, that's where I'm at on my sexual life journey. Thanks for reading this far. I'd love to hear from others with similar experiences and how you've dealt with it.
Occasionally, during a rabbit hole porn session, I would click on a thumbnail and not realize until the page opened that the lovely lady in the video actually had a penis. I'd giggle and close the page. After a few times, I watched a little longer, out of juvenile amusement. Eventually I acknowledged that I found it entertaining but not necessarily arousing. As long as I wasn't hard, I wasn't gay for watching it. I was mostly curious how passable the leading lady was. Some of them must have been pretty passable, or enough so that I eventually discovered I had a raging hard on that was demanding attention. I suppose the cock wants what the cock wants, and if stroking it felt good, why would I deprive myself of that? As long as I don't cum while watching it, it's not gay, right? A few times, I must have stroked a little too much or edged a little too far, and before I knew it, I was pumping out a load of cum. The first few times, I felt a rush of shame and guilt and actively avoided ts porn for months after. After a while, I'd see a link for it and figured it couldn't hurt to watch just a little, and the cycle would start over.
I finally got a point where I admitted I was sexually aroused by it, but it still accounted for less than 10% of my porn consumption, which is still the case. Inevitably, while browsing ts porn, some gay porn would sneak in. I went through the same process of gradual acceptance. I still enjoy ts porn more, but I guess there's something about seeing a cock being pleasured by any reasonable means available that is very relatable. To be clear, I don't find men attractive in general. Just about every woman I encounter I picture naked and/or envision having sex with. I want to fuck pretty much every woman I know. But I've never experienced this with men and have never fantasized about a specific man. I don't really even care for kissing or caressing in gay porn. Just sucking and fucking. I never look at a man and think I want to fuck him, but if I happen to find myself in a situation where one can make my cock feel good, well...that doesn't seem so bad. And it would just be rude not to return the favor.
I should also mention that my wife and I have not had sex in several years. It was amazing before we got married, but rapidly declined soon after. I assure you, we absolutely love each other very much, but that issue is a whole other post. However, during my sex drought, my porn consumption and solo activities have drastically increased, and in turn, my catalog of thing I find pleasurable has expanded. Mostly, my fantasies revolve around reigniting things with my wife. She occasionally sucks my dick but has never liked having cum in her mouth. It seems unreasonable of me to want that from her if I don't know what cum tastes and feels like in my mouth. So I tried it. I touched my tongue to a bit of precum, but it didn't really taste anything. Later I tried licking a glob of cum off my hand. Again, not too bad. Not something I crave in my mouth, but I don't mind it. Now, when I have some precum dribble when I'm not quite ready to cum, I'll just lick it off my fingers. I've also always wanted to try anal sex with her, but she's never been receptive to the idea of having anything in her ass. Again, how can I reasonably expect her to do it if I'm not willing to try? So lately, I've gotten into sticking things up my ass. Now that I DO like. I don't know if having another man fucking me in the ass would be quite the same or as pleasurable, but at least it wouldn't be entirely new or unsettling. I also enjoy taking pictures of her, for which she is usually a very willing participant. She doesn't mind getting naked or sucking my dick while I snap a few pictures. But she's less inclined to put on lingerie or sexy outfits. So I do that myself instead. I put on the outfits I wish she would wear and photograph myself how I wish she would pose. I even create images of me as me with me as her. I look at them as I jerk off wearing her panties with her otherwise unused vibrating egg up my ass.
She doesn't know any of this. Well, not quite. She knows and accepts (and possibly encourages) that I watch porn. She has said she's fine with it and knows it's normal, but we have never discussed what exactly I watch or how often. She rarely uses my computer, but I'm still usually very careful to cover my tracks. One time I wasn't so careful. I had unknowingly left several tabs of ts porn open when she sat down at my computer to print something. I heard from the other room "What is THIS?!" I ran in and was horrified on the inside, but on the outside I started laughing. I said was in the middle of a very normal porn session when some of this stuff popped up. I had never really watched it before and thought it was amusing. Then when I realized I shouldn't be watching it, I walked away to go to bed and forgot to close it. The End. I did not disclose that I was looking at it because I had purposely sought it out, and I actually walked away because I had a rather explosive orgasm I had to clean up and forgot to go back to my computer. I think she bought my story. But a few times since then, we've seen a transgender women and she's asked if I find them pretty. I just shrug and say "I dunno."
I realize I have several points of entry to gradually coming out to her, but I still can't quite wrap my head around it. She's a very open minded and accepting person and would be very supportive of me as a human being, but as her husband...I honestly don't know. She has often said that she's turned on by men making our, but never anything explicitly including me. I suppose next time she shoots down my request to cum in her mouth, I can subtly suggest that I actually don't think it's so bad. Or next time she scoffs at the idea of anal sex, I can suggest that we get his and hers butt plugs and both try it out first. And next time she's reluctant to wear a pair of thigh highs for a photoshoot, maybe I can slap on a pair, just for a laugh. Perhaps these baby steps could normalize these things and maybe even prompt her to offer the idea that she'd be turned on to see me with another man. I'd say, "What? Hmm, well if that would get you off, then maybe I could give it a shot." I'm just afraid to spring it on her all at once. We have other sex issues we need to resolve, and this would only complicate things. Honestly, it's not even that important to me to have an experience with another man. I'd much rather get our sex life back on track and stick with watching the occasional ts/gay porn. Then, maybe once we're back in a healthy place, I can start to introduce new ideas. Anyway, that's where I'm at on my sexual life journey. Thanks for reading this far. I'd love to hear from others with similar experiences and how you've dealt with it.