Polyamory versus Monogamy

[flufybumblebee]

This is my first ever time i've started a thred, but i'm curious to know peoples opinions on both monogamy and polyamory.

As a poly person looking back at my old monogamous lifestyle i remember how confuzing it was to be madly in love but still be interested in other people and how i was supposed to have to find ways to not be interested. I found it difficult to maintain the relationships and would have to hide parts of my thoughts and feelings which in turn led to frustration and jelousy.

Since discovering what poly is, (like discovering that being attracted to more than one sex was called bisexual) it's not only ok to have multiple partners, it better, much much better. I don't have to hide my feelings and partners don't have to hide theirs. I'm much happier now and though labels are frustrating at the best of times poly is one that is useful to use.

I'd like to know about your experieces of poly and mono relationships.

[Ratchick]

For me, Polyamoury doesn't work so well. I found this out with my last GF.
But, my Bi group has lots of Poly folks, and they seem very happy. :)
Hope it works out for you.
RC :flag2:

[amcouple]

Polyamory vs Monogamy... We've been perplexed by these two concepts...

Must they be mutually exclusive or are they just stereotypical categories like 'Straight', 'Bi' and 'Gay'?

We're a monogamous, both-bi couple who have passionate mixed-sex and same-sex fun with other couples, but only as a couple. Is that confusing, challenging, exciting, or what?

We both see polyamorous relationships (conceptually) as extentions of our monogamous relationship. We have fantastic friends, whom we love dearly and with whom with we have outstanding SEX, but as individual spousal units, we all LOVE only our spouses and we all MAKE LOVE only with our spouses.

Curiously enough, as a wife and husband, we stopped hiding our most inner secrets and coincidentally ' came out' to each other in our mid-40's, after more than 20 years of marriage. It's been both fun and challenging. We've found that we must talk, talk, talk. For more than two decades we talked about jobs, careers, in-laws, kids and everything else BUT our sexual desires and dreams.

Our kids are growing up now, almost out of the house, and when we finally got around to discussing what we would like to do for the rest of our lives we stumbled onto the topic of sex, and the earth started shaking! Keep in mind that we've enthusiactically balled our brains out 3-4 times a week for our entire marriage, but never broached the idea of extra-marital, much less homosexual, desires. We don't hide our individual sexuality from each other any more, we revel in it. It's been exciting, exhilarating and rejuvenating!

As you can imagine, communication has been the key. Our marriage and love for ONLY each other has afforded us the ability to accept these profound revelations. We've found that all previous confusion and disagreements when discussing "SEX" have been the result of either not listening or not speaking clearly to each other.

The erotic variety we had yearned for previously is now gotten from having fun with other couples, but at the end of the day we look forward to sleeping in each other's arms. We still only love each other! Fun, frolic, and multiple orgasms with different men and women, sure, but making love... only with each other.

Are we lucky that we found each other 23 years ago? Oh... Yes!!!!!! Did we know it would work out this well? We couldn't have.

Are we glad we stuck it out through the tough times? Oh... Yess!!!!!

Many of the people we've played with have had similar trials and tribulations; but only as a result of excellent communication and a strong fundamental commitment to each other have they been able to reach that sexual and marital nirvana that we've also found.

Basic rule: set up the stable relationship and then the fun starts. Call it what you may - polyamory, swinging, open marriage, whatever. Set up the stability and then the look together for the variety.


Sorry for the rambling - We've been lurkers for quite some time (this is an outstanding site) but have finally seen a thread in which we thought we could constructively contribute...

These are only our opinions - take them only for that.

P.S. Please note that the word 'I' was never used in this post. Neither one of us is and 'I'. We are always a 'We' - as it should be in any polyamorous OR monogamous relationship.

[hypershot]

Even though I would love to have that sort of relationship (poly), I have recently come to the conclusion that it just would not work, as the person I want to be with gets very jealous and so do i. This may be a good thing at times, but mainly it is not. So like I said I would love that sort of relationship, but feel it is not practical for my or my partner's (to be) lifestyle or feelings...

[OzBiBoy25]

I find the idea of poly relationships to be very interesting. As long as I can remember I have questioned wether things are as simple as you meet one person and fall in love. End of story. After having grown up somewhat since then, I know that things are not that simple, but monogamy is not inclusive of such complexities as having sexual attractions to other people in addition to your partner, let alone having romantic notions toward others in addition! The issue that I find beyond this thinking is simply, how does a polyamorous relationship work practically? Throughout my life I have learnt informally how monogomous relationships work (or dont work as the case may be), but not poly relationships..

[Lisa (va)]

i like the idea of amcouple, communication and talk. Forget the labeling and do what is right for yourself, what works for one may not necessarily work for the other. But honesty should still be the best policy.
Lisa
hugsn kisses

[DÆMØN]

LMAO Great ! Wonderful ! I started a thread on just this a few days ago, I guess I need exciting tittles lol http://www.main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=180
Gee whiz :tongue:

Keep this one rolling :P

[EvilDoctor]

I see Polyamory as an emotional thing that I really can't relate too. I consider us as physically non-monogomus but emotionally monogomus. I think it's one thing to be able to able to bring in other people and be sexual with them and and just simply enjoy it for what it is. However, the idea of bringing in other partners into a relationship and be "in love" with them seems so alien to me.
It's not like I haven't seen real life examples of it. I've know several people that have tried to live a "Poly" lifestyle but ultimately these relationships have been transitory and eventally broke apart (with much recriminations and teeth gnashing, and just plain hurt feelings.) And what is worse is that many of these relationships often also involve children who get their lives turned upside down.
Swinger relationships just seem so much more stable, and we've know so few swinger couples that have had the same problems. Probably why we are swingers and not polyamourus.

David :2cents: :soapbox:

[twosides]

Now I know that stuff has gone on for years, decades, probably even centuries, where things like homosexuality, bisexuality, BdSm, and all the other not-normal things have weirded out "normal" people. But, where along the timeline of those preferences, has it come into the mainstream? Is gay life in the mainstream yet? Is it successfully navigated in all forms of practice? I tend to think not. Any group of people that deviate from the norm has a lot of work to do to make it part of the norm. There is a learning curve for any particular society in whole that is much larger than any one individual has to face. So, even though we may see the benefits of poly love, we still have to tread lightly in what really is the forefront of this choice of love style. I posted in DÆMØN's thread that the 60's free love movement attracted me at the time, but I now believe that it actually pushed the boundries so much for the normals that the line of acceptance was pushed all the way back to obscurity, (the closet?). We now have to start the coming out process over again keeping in mind the lessons learned from that time, and those that we are learning now. It's not going to be any time soon that the general public is going to know how to accept this let alone the practioners getting it right, just as monogamous couples still don't get it right.

[softfruit]

Would it sound terribly bisexual and inbetweenish to say that I've found that for me either way works?! Depends on my headstate at the time and the person or people I'm with really.

That said, there is always the Demon of Conformity on my shoulder telling me that I ought to end up in a Proper Monogamous relationship. Though that's the same demon as whispers complaints about my career, hair colour, and everything else, so the poor thing is fighting a losing battle.

[CherryBlossom74]

I've found that I can be in love with more than Adrienne, but that she is the greatest love of my life. I don't know why it's this way or why I CAN love like this. I only know that she doesn't feel like that, but I do. So I guess it's all th eperson and what they tolerate...she doesn't care whom I love because she KNOWS I am deeply in love with her. I will have none other than her be my lifemate forever more. Anyone else I fall in love with is important too, but will never replace her ever.

[Bi-ten]

Hi all,

Congrats on a fantastic thread, we could probably start 10 more on some of the concepts here. I really am intrigued by the comment Cherry blossom made about having one great love, yet falling in love with others. I submit the possibility we are capable of great love with many different people, in fact this is the way things can be when you are single or in an open relationship. However it is those 'great loves' that we are drawn to beyond our reason. Those special relationships call us away from polygamous or other types of relationships towards the comfort and alledged security of monogamy.

Its all so very complicated when we find that the possessiveness of monogamy can sometimes stiffle our passion and capacity to love. Sometimes it can even kill our relationships through envy or dominance.

So I think 'free love' can be a liberating, and monogamy can be comforting... but each is a complex proposal, with emotions pulling us around willy nilly, confusing the crap out of us. Nomatter what lets try to keep the 'love' going, treat each other with kindness and respect, and enjoy the benefits!Monogamous, polygamous, bi, gay or whatever, Keep on lovin!

Bi-ten :bibounce:

[Heartless01]

OMG !!! Good topic...

I am in a commited relationship with a wonderful man. We have been together for 20 years. ( :eek: Holy Crap Batman!)

We are open to one day finding the right lady to have a poly relationship with. (Though I have to admit to being partial to poly-fidelity) She just seems to be so hard to find. DAMMIT!! :banghead:

Though it is no secret here I have bizzare standards...according to societal "norms" :confused: .

[SweetAmy]

Hey if any poly girls/cpls wanna chat send me a message. I am curious about knowing how to go about having a GF. Would love to talk to poly minded people.

Amy

[confusedandcute]

I feel that love and sex are completely separate. It's possible to love more than one person at a time. Just think, you love all your friends and family members all at once. Ofcourse, I suppose it may be a different kind of love. But to me, if I'm going to be intimate with someone, I love them like a best friend. But just because I love my best friend doesn't mean I'll be intimate with them. To me, sex is a strictly physical thing and it just feels better doing it with someone you love.

I'm totally babbling on...I don't even think that makes sense. But as for poly vs. mono, I definitely believe that a poly can work if all people involved can accept it.

Can anyone make sense of all that? Sorry. :rotate:

[SweetAmy]

I understand and I agree. Very well sad.

Amy :wiggle2:



I feel that love and sex are completely separate. It's possible to love more than one person at a time. Just think, you love all your friends and family members all at once. Ofcourse, I suppose it may be a different kind of love. But to me, if I'm going to be intimate with someone, I love them like a best friend. But just because I love my best friend doesn't mean I'll be intimate with them. To me, sex is a strictly physical thing and it just feels better doing it with someone you love.

I'm totally babbling on...I don't even think that makes sense. But as for poly vs. mono, I definitely believe that a poly can work if all people involved can accept it.

Can anyone make sense of all that? Sorry. :rotate:

[Michael623]

I had sex with me and three other women once. Two were bi and the other straight. I would be a liar if I said that wasn't good. But now at tis point in my life I want monogamy.

[arana]

I think a person can love more than one person but trying to make a relationship with a couple is very difficult. It's so hard to make a one on one relationship work that adding another personality to the mix is even harder. Some people say they have been able to make it work, and more power to them. But of those that are "working" how many of the 3 or more people are being honest and truly happily satisfied in that relationship?

Arana :tong:

[SweetAmy]

I come to think I am becoming confused as to what I want. I mean I cant find what I want so why care about what I want. I've stopped hunting and hopefully someone will think I am a kind sole and get to know me. :bigrin:

Amy :paw:

[phat_vampyre]

I am doing my thesis on relationships in literature, so I have done too much research on this and other topics. The success rate of traditional marriages and polyamorous relationships is actually about the same (scary, huh?). Polyamorous relationships, however, create conditions that can create better support for children than do traditional relationships -- as pooling resources, both monetary and quantum, can only help children better socially and economically. Also, better psychological response to gay, lesbian, and bisexual persons should be noted in regards to polyamory. Such relationships open a potential for closeness among people who might not have been able to share a closeness in the traditional sense, and a way to have children without the sterile separatism created by modern society and its views of traditional relationships would support. Imagine the potential support and closeness children might have with four parents, say a gay and lesbian couple who would normally either adopt or artificially inseminate with a stranger, as opposed to just two 'traditional' parents who pay lipservice to the straight life and end up dispersing resources out of the relationship to have flings or separate, isolated relationships in order to protect their sense of identity while perpetuating their need to have children.

Also, it is important to note a logical separation of polyamory from the concepts of polygamy/polygeny. Polyamory does not assume genders in a relationship, nor does it establish structure of relationships, as do polygamy/polygeny. The only assumption of polyamory is that those engaged have reached the age of mutual consent, and that they, however many 'they' there are, care for each other and look out for each other. This makes it distinct from 'traditional' dominance patterns associated with polygamy and resource limiting patterns associated with polygeny.

I don't feel monogomy is in competition with polyamory in the same way that it would be with polygeny or polygamy. I do feel that us who are bisexual would be more prone to this relationship because it would be more fulfilling emotionally than casual interractions with either another couple or anonymous laisons with less familiar individuals. I feel as well that polyamory might well be safer physically, medically, and psychologically than the more casual alternatives mentioned, as polyamorists tend to focus their sexuality into the relationship -- having a need to protect those they are close with from external threats of disease. I also understand that emotional positions on sex may put my definition of closeness and casualness at odds with those expressed by others. I can't be casual in a sexual relationship. I always fall.

As for me, I think I lean more toward polyamory, if simply because I have never been in a relationship of a casual sexual nature that I did not later regret. But my partner does not. So I guess you can say this debate is and will be ongoing for me personally.

I'm glad I am not the only person who is debating this issue.

[confusedandcute]

Wow. Everything you said phat vampyre was great. Thanks for that intelligent response. It all makes so much sense. I too would love to have polyamory in my life, but things are still very new and my husband and I still have things to work out. :bibounce:

[Ratchick]

I have to ammend my previous post.
Since that post many months ago, I am involved in a Poly relationship, and it is going very well.
So far, it is working.
-RC

[DÆMØN]

For those of you who are either thinking about polyamory or actually exploring the lovestyle. I strongly recommend reading The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press Whether youre straight, bi, gay, or les... it is applies to all these and more. I, myself am actually considering buying a whole box of copies to give to various friends. Its that good.

You may also find other Poly related books at http://www.polychromatic.com/

Might as well expand your mind further and further *grinz* :bigrin:

[SweetAmy]

I have come to term with this poly dream...I dont want it anymore. My husband and I are happily married for 23 months and I am loving every mintue of it. Now I would never turn down poly friends...I think everyone has the right to love who they want and how they want.

Amy :flag3:

[Mistya]

Nice thought evoking thread...

In our relationship, we have discussed in detail, rather or not we want to add to our family. Yep, we used the word family. We have been together just over twelve years and married for ten. We do both feel it is possible to love more than one person and would not consider sexual relations without having an emotional connection. As far as we can see, everyone gains in a polyamory relationship...if everyone keeps it honest and loving...everyone benefits.

The strength in any successful relationship exist or thrives in the amount of mutual love, trust and respect that is shared.

So this is our :2cents:

Best regards to those who have achieved balance.