Whats wrong with me?

[Mattchew]

Hello. My name is Matt. I am a traditional Catholic. I was introduced to homosexual acts at the age of 5 years old. I repeated what I had learned through my childhood. At the same time, I remember kissing little girls and how this made me feel. When I was around 9 years old, I had a sexual encounter with a female. This encounter made me realize that I liked women and that this is what I wanted for myself (because of the way it made me feel). Even though I had this encounter, I would go on to exhibit homosexual behavior. When I was 14, I had a sexual encounter with a male. I was greatly aroused by this experience. This would be the last time I would have a homosexual experience. Then came high school. There were a few women that I grew infatuated with during this time. I fell in love with one of them, but didnt have the confidence to really get to know that person. After graduation, I entered into a sexual relationship with a woman. This is one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I wasn't attracted to her nor did I enjoy sex with her. It made me question my sexuality. I wondered what was wrong with me and why I didn't enjoy the sex. It was an awful feeling. A few years later, I began watching gay pornography. It caused me to become extremely sexually aroused. I then began thinking that I was gay. Afterall, I didn't have attractions towards females like most other guys. Then I joined the Army. When I was in the Army I met 2 girls and fell in love with them. There was no relationship since both girls rejected me. But this gave me more confidence in my heterosexuality. I stopped watching gay pornography, and pursued a religious lifestyle. At the age of 27 I became a believer in God. I also noticed women more so since I had gained more
confidence in my heterosexuality while in the Army. I would go on to have feelings for women for the next 10 years or so. I found myself having intense sexual feelings for them as well as being attracted to them. I even met 1 or 2 that I had felt strongly about. But yet again, nothing happened. Nowadays, its as if I am not attracted to women anymore. My sexual feelings are geared towards men. I also have romantic feelings towards men. I am wondering why I am not attracted to women anymore. I wonder if I ever will be again. Its a bad feeling that I get. I never wanted to be a homosexual. I have unwanted homosexual feelings.

[playful808]

Maybe there is nothing wrong with you, Matt. (Except feeling bad about yourself.).
No one picks their orientation.
You get the cards you are dealt. You do choose how to play them.

You may be more attracted to women later. Desires change and are fluid throughout life, for all orientations. I tend to crave whatever I don't have in my face at the time.


If your current religious beliefs are truly at odds with your sexuality, you may have to give up one of them to be happy.

Put another way:
Religion, sexuality, happiness.
Pick any two.


Other flavors of christianity are more embracing of actual human nature than Catholicism in its current form.

[Jazminedress]

Lots to address here, let me address the religous aspect first.the very notion of “homosexuality”—like that of “heterosexuality,” “bisexuality,” and even “sexual orientation”—is essentially a modern concept that would simply have been unintelligible to the New Testament writers. The word “homosexuality” came into use only in the latter part of the nineteenth century
None of the four gospels speak about it, and there is no statement that Jesus did.......... only in Romans 1:26–27, 1 Corinthians 6:9–10, and 1 Timothy 1:8–11 that there may be references to homosexuality. So what does this mean ? Well, it seems that back then, Jesus and the Church was not overly concerned about it

Corinthians 6:9–10 says that certain types of people “will not inherit the kingdom of God.” The list of such people begins with fornicators, idolaters, and adulterers, and it ends with thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, and robbers. There are two Greek words translated in the New Revised Standard Version as “male prostitutes” (that is, homosexual male prostitutes) and “sodomites.” But no special emphasis is placed on these people; they are simply listed along with the others.

Timothy 1:8–11 says that the law was given not for good people but for bad people, it mentions sodomites in with others. Even with the translation, there is malakoi and arsenokoitai do refer to male homosexuality, but the objection is not necessarily to male homosexual activity per se, but rather to the prostitution, coercion, and/or exploitation that typically accompanied one particular type of male homosexuality

So, even if you take literal believed translation, where it does seem to be against homosexuality, it is only a certain type, adulterers and forced/ coerced, it never actually addresses a loving relationship between two people of the same sex, it simply lumps some people in with a whole group of people. Even if you look at the list, there are certain aspects of heterosexuality that are an issue

So honestly, Catholic to Catholic, nothing in my beliefs tells me I am a sinner, and I believe the charity works I do say otherwise

[Jazminedress]

Now to a personal thing...................don't put too much thought into it, or worrying about it. I did that for years and wasted time, frustration, and confusion.

Some days, I want a hamburger, some days I want a pizza. Some days I would like gentelman company,other days, only a woman with some curvy hips is everything I want.
Some days I wear a short skirt, some days 501's

I no longer stress or worry about it, I just live my day by day. The AA people have it correct, one day at a time. If someone judges me or who I am, that is their issue not mine, I don't own it. If someone hates my lifestyle or the way I dress, I don't care, I dont have enough time left in this world to worry about it.

If you meet a woman who lights up your life, accept it, if it is a man, accept it. Only a portion of people are lucky enough to find the right one, do squander it with concerns about something like sexuality...............enjoy..........let yourself go

[CockHummer]

The most interesting and potentially troublesome thing you said, as far as I see things, was almost the first thing you said. You said hello, introduced yourself by name, informed us of your religious background, and then, as if it were just as simple a point, you next informed us that you were "introduced to homosexual acts at the age of 5 years old." I realize you might have said that quickly, without thinking enough about the potential implications, and might not have worded it in a way that best represents your true life experience as most would take that wording potentially to indicate. Perhaps you could clarify what you meant by saying that, if any of what I have to say here makes too much of that wording and misses your true point.

If I could clarify what I mean, on the one hand, if you were a little boy and you just happened to get sexually curious with another little boy of about the same age and pants came off and you got looking at each other's penises and touching each other erotically, that would be reasonable experience, not terribly unusual although a bit on the young side, and not at all problematic. At the same time, it wouldn't really be legitimate to put it in a passive grammatical sense like that, to say that you were "introduced" to it. In the most legitimate sense, if it was just sudden shared curious erotic experience between two young boys, then you took active part in initiating it. You were not in any legitimate sense introduced to it.

Now, on the other hand, if you were truly introduced to it, as you worded it, presumably either by considerably older children or worse, by adults, who allowed or even compelled you to observe as they were enjoying same sex activity with another person or persons of approximately their own age or, worse yet, by involving you in it and compelling you, as a small child, to take part, that is desperately problematic and definitely represents a form of child abuse. I think it is an important question here, because while people can naturally have confusion about their sexuality and commonly do, it is practically expected in the case of people who have been sexually abused, especially as a small child, to be left with very discomforting confusion about their own sexuality, and with your wording as the story initially unfolds, I must wonder whether you are describing a life of sexual confusion tied to your having been sexually abused as a little, tiny boy.

If that is the case, I would have to wonder if you might not get better assistance in this context from finding a therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse than from talking in a chat group like this, where several well-meaning people have apparently just rapidly read that expressed experience and gone on to treat it as if it were an ordinary part of one's sexual development to be introduced to sex at the age of five.

[KDaddy23]

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone say that they didn't ask or want these feelings, I'd be happily very wealthy. No one really asks to feel this way and some don't wanna feel this way. It just is. Religious beliefs and other social programming seek to cut this off at the pass in all of us... and it works... and it doesn't. Just the way this is, too. Is there anything wrong with you? No. Sex and sexuality is a discovery just as much as it is an expectation; if you're male, you are expected to only have these feelings and urges for females and age, well, it doesn't mean anything since unborn babies have been seen masturbating in the womb. Some discover sex or get introduced early. Some don't. Some discover same-sex stuff... some don't... or they discover it later in life.

It happens and now, for many, it's about struggling to make sense of it all, having that religious conflict and some other stuff that one will either be able to resolve - or they won't - but many people do; they accept that, okay, this is how I'm feeling and the "final decision" to be reached is what, if anything, to do about that. Some people hit the ground running with it - and at any age - and some people get a serious grip on themselves and resolve to not give into the temptation.

Feeling like you're no longer attracted to women? Maybe that's what is going on, maybe it isn't; I know when some guys get "focused" on guys - and they get focused because, to them, this ain't what's supposed to be turning them on - they're not really paying attention to women and, yeah, get to wondering why they're not getting excited by all the lovely women they see and then thinking there's something wrong with them when, truthfully, there probably isn't anything wrong other than whatever turmoil is going on inside your head. Do you need counseling? Who knows? Chances are, however, they're not going to tell you anything that you probably couldn't figure out on your own and, as I understand it, one could receive mixed messages in that you should strictly adhere to your religious beliefs while telling you that it's perfectly normal to have these feelings and leaving you to decide on how you wanna deal with this.

The "good" part? You're not the only guy who feels this way, not now or ever. I understand you don't want to feel this way but it'll help for you to understand that anyone can feel this way and regardless to what they think they should be feeling. The feelings will not go away and many guys go on to have wonderful relationships with women... and with these feelings hanging around in the background and now it's a question of doing something about the way you feel or doing nothing about it - and you don't have to do anything about it.

Relax. Take a really deep breath. Any of us here can tell you that the more you let this bother you, the more problems you're gonna have with it and it sounds easy but do your best not to worry about it so much. Try not to let your emotions run away with things and use your intellect to sort this out in your head.

[Mattchew]

deleted.

[Mattchew]

The most interesting and potentially troublesome thing you said, as far as I see things, was almost the first thing you said. You said hello, introduced yourself by name, informed us of your religious background, and then, as if it were just as simple a point, you next informed us that you were "introduced to homosexual acts at the age of 5 years old." I realize you might have said that quickly, without thinking enough about the potential implications, and might not have worded it in a way that best represents your true life experience as most would take that wording potentially to indicate. Perhaps you could clarify what you meant by saying that, if any of what I have to say here makes too much of that wording and misses your true point.

If I could clarify what I mean, on the one hand, if you were a little boy and you just happened to get sexually curious with another little boy of about the same age and pants came off and you got looking at each other's penises and touching each other erotically, that would be reasonable experience, not terribly unusual although a bit on the young side, and not at all problematic. At the same time, it wouldn't really be legitimate to put it in a passive grammatical sense like that, to say that you were "introduced" to it. In the most legitimate sense, if it was just sudden shared curious erotic experience between two young boys, then you took active part in initiating it. You were not in any legitimate sense introduced to it.

Now, on the other hand, if you were truly introduced to it, as you worded it, presumably either by considerably older children or worse, by adults, who allowed or even compelled you to observe as they were enjoying same sex activity with another person or persons of approximately their own age or, worse yet, by involving you in it and compelling you, as a small child, to take part, that is desperately problematic and definitely represents a form of child abuse. I think it is an important question here, because while people can naturally have confusion about their sexuality and commonly do, it is practically expected in the case of people who have been sexually abused, especially as a small child, to be left with very discomforting confusion about their own sexuality, and with your wording as the story initially unfolds, I must wonder whether you are describing a life of sexual confusion tied to your having been sexually abused as a little, tiny boy.

If that is the case, I would have to wonder if you might not get better assistance in this context from finding a therapist who specializes in child sexual abuse than from talking in a chat group like this, where several well-meaning people have apparently just rapidly read that expressed experience and gone on to treat it as if it were an ordinary part of one's sexual development to be introduced to sex at the age of five.
Another little boy, of the same age, showed me oral sex.

[Mattchew]

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard someone say that they didn't ask or want these feelings, I'd be happily very wealthy. No one really asks to feel this way and some don't wanna feel this way. It just is. Religious beliefs and other social programming seek to cut this off at the pass in all of us... and it works... and it doesn't. Just the way this is, too. Is there anything wrong with you? No. Sex and sexuality is a discovery just as much as it is an expectation; if you're male, you are expected to only have these feelings and urges for females and age, well, it doesn't mean anything since unborn babies have been seen masturbating in the womb. Some discover sex or get introduced early. Some don't. Some discover same-sex stuff... some don't... or they discover it later in life.

It happens and now, for many, it's about struggling to make sense of it all, having that religious conflict and some other stuff that one will either be able to resolve - or they won't - but many people do; they accept that, okay, this is how I'm feeling and the "final decision" to be reached is what, if anything, to do about that. Some people hit the ground running with it - and at any age - and some people get a serious grip on themselves and resolve to not give into the temptation.

Feeling like you're no longer attracted to women? Maybe that's what is going on, maybe it isn't; I know when some guys get "focused" on guys - and they get focused because, to them, this ain't what's supposed to be turning them on - they're not really paying attention to women and, yeah, get to wondering why they're not getting excited by all the lovely women they see and then thinking there's something wrong with them when, truthfully, there probably isn't anything wrong other than whatever turmoil is going on inside your head. Do you need counseling? Who knows? Chances are, however, they're not going to tell you anything that you probably couldn't figure out on your own and, as I understand it, one could receive mixed messages in that you should strictly adhere to your religious beliefs while telling you that it's perfectly normal to have these feelings and leaving you to decide on how you wanna deal with this.

The "good" part? You're not the only guy who feels this way, not now or ever. I understand you don't want to feel this way but it'll help for you to understand that anyone can feel this way and regardless to what they think they should be feeling. The feelings will not go away and many guys go on to have wonderful relationships with women... and with these feelings hanging around in the background and now it's a question of doing something about the way you feel or doing nothing about it - and you don't have to do anything about it.

Relax. Take a really deep breath. Any of us here can tell you that the more you let this bother you, the more problems you're gonna have with it and it sounds easy but do your best not to worry about it so much. Try not to let your emotions run away with things and use your intellect to sort this out in your head.
Thanks.

[tenni]

Matt
One of the factors for some bisexuals is Fluidity. Some bisexuals experience strong attraction to another gender only to later lose that attraction. They become attracted to the opposite gender than they were first attracted to.

That is to say you may be attracted to a woman only to find yourself attracted to a man. This switching of attraction can happen over decades or switching attraction rapidly. I once knew of a young guy who said that he woke up attracted to women only to be attracted to men by lunch. By dinner his attraction went back to women. This is extreme and most bi people are slower in switching.

Bisexuals tend to be fluid with their attraction to a gender. The first twenty years they may be attracted one gender slowly changing which gender turns them on. It use to be reported by 40 year old men surprisingly attracted to other men much to their surprise. They never had been attracted to other men until around 40 and they switched.

[CockHummer]

Another little boy, of the same age, showed me oral sex.

Oh, good. I'm happy to learn that (although it leaves me with the same question regarding the other little boy--5 is an unusual age for someone of either gender to be showing someone else oral sex). Then, as far as you go, though, I feel free to agree with just about everybody else. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, either morally or functionally.

[zbi73]

I'd say there's nothing wrong with you. Sexuality is a journey for many, it was for me. Although not religious, I too didn't want the homosexual thoughts I had since puberty so I suppressed them for 25 years and lived a straight life. To the outside world I still do, however internally and on this forum, I am bisexual. I like men, I like women. It doesn't change who I am and when I'm ready to physically explore that side I'll hopefully be ready mentally too. No one has to know unless I want them too. The best thing I did for myself was to go through that journey. Best of luck.

[Mattchew]

I didn't know that. Thanks for sharing.

[Riderinthestorm]

Since you are a Catholic, you may be interested in finding out that, up until the 1400's, the church had rites for gay marriage, according to the Jesuit researchers at Fordham college.
Internet History Sourcebooks Project (http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/2rites.asp)

You are what you are. It is normal and there is nothing to feel bad or wrong about what you feel or who you are attracted to.

[Jazminedress]

Since you are a Catholic, you may be interested in finding out that, up until the 1400's, the church had rites for gay marriage, according to the Jesuit researchers at Fordham college.
Internet History Sourcebooks Project (http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/2rites.asp)

You are what you are. It is normal and there is nothing to feel bad or wrong about what you feel or who you are attracted to.

forgot about that

[jem_is_bi]

forgot about that
what do you mean by that?

That never happened?
Never mainstream belief?
Don't let religion be an issue?
Too long agou to be relevant now?

[Long Duck Dong]

Since you are a Catholic, you may be interested in finding out that, up until the 1400's, the church had rites for gay marriage, according to the Jesuit researchers at Fordham college.
Internet History Sourcebooks Project (http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/2rites.asp)

You are what you are. It is normal and there is nothing to feel bad or wrong about what you feel or who you are attracted to.

If I remember rightly, it was around that time that the church started to change and it ended up with a ban on hugging and kissing even with married couples as it may lead to immoral thoughts.......tho some articles place that around the 12th century......

Its always amused me how society and religion get the blame for the way society is, yet that ignores the fact that we are part of society and not always supportive of each other either.... and that was evident with the NZ fight for same sex marriage, there was LGBT government members that opposed same sex marriage because in their eyes, it was not really a fight for rights and equality but more just another reason to fight against other members of society...... but humankind will never change in that respect, in the same way that the youth can often think that the older generations are too set in their ways to change and are at fault for all that is wrong with the world but such is the benefit of youth and ideology vs actual years and awareness