Orientation and Mental Health

[playful808]

https://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/

I found this article to be accurate & painful.

What do you guys think? Does this reflect your experience?

[KDaddy23]

Not at all. There is a sense of being all alone when you're bi - you feel like you're the only one like this; then there's that "need" to hide the fact that you're not straight and that tends to make some impose a form of isolation on themselves - being less social and especially with friends and family and, I guess for gay men (which the article was about), not being able to find that special someone that you can share yourself with (and not necessarily in a sexual way). Drug and alcohol usage can sometimes come into play, depression, maybe even suicidal thoughts.

I had that moment when I thought I was the only one who liked having sex with guys... then realized how silly a notion that was since, um, I was having sex with other guys - duh. So, not the only one. Growing up when I did, sure - if you knew that you weren't straight but worried about being tagged as a faggot - you kept it hidden and if you had friends who sounded "homophobic," you kinda stay away from them but when you're going to school, eh, it's pretty hard to avoid people and interacting with them but I've always been pretty social and I just learned to interact with others despite not really being like them and, well, it didn't make sense to isolate myself because of my sexuality. I had my cadre of friends throughout school; some of them knew I was bi, some didn't and life continues on. I've never felt like an outsider and, honestly, I've never really experienced being lonely or that my sexuality caused me any emotional pain other than occasional frustration when I needed some dick and it wasn't easy finding a willing guy. But I've always had girlfriends and have spent pretty much of my adult life being married so I always had someone to stave off that sense of loneliness.

I've seen this in other guys - especially newbies - and it's why I tell them that you're really not as alone in this as you think or feel and that it's kinda normal to feel that way but I've also seen that while a lot of guys accept that they're not the only dude who likes guys and gals, finding someone they can really resonate with tends to enhance that sense of loneliness and, for some, it's pretty bad for them; they know they should get out there and do something about being lonely but many get frustrated because finding someone ain't easy, they find someone and it doesn't last very long, stuff like that. I've always said that the hardest thing about being bisexual is not having someone you can talk to about being bisexual which is why this site is so important to a lot of guys because it takes the edge off of that lonely feeling since they can interact with a whole bunch of guys who are just as they are - bisexual. Now it's a matter of whether or not they can get over the pain and loneliness and convince themselves that they can, at the very least, be social despite being bisexual and worrying about being outed. Some people just shut down behind this and that's obviously the wrong thing to do - it just makes the pain and loneliness even worse.

You can tell someone these things... they still have to find a way to deal with this so that it stops being a problem for them. For me, I knew I wasn't alone in any of this, that there were a whole lot of people, male and female, who were just like me so to think, feel, and behave in some way other than the way I normally behaved didn't make sense to me; I like making new friends and all that so being bisexual wasn't a good enough reason to stop being who I am. I've been too aware of the social angst and I learned to just not pay a whole lot of attention to it; people are gonna think whatever they think about not being straight and to let them make their problems my problem wasn't gonna happen so, no - that article doesn't reflect my experiences at all.

[zgay73]

Not for me either, I get the sense though I'd have to be out and as I'm not, it's different for me. I'm not seeking anything therefore I'm not out and about to experience life as a bisexual man. Bisexual on the inside, straight on the outside. Articles like this make you think twice or at least think/hope my experience won't be like that. It's easy to see why many, men in particular, stay in the closet.

[imariver]

I personally have never had any problem being Bi, but then again it's nobody's business either. If I was young bi/gay guy in today's society, it may be different, but otherwise I just don't give a shit what other people think.

[Long Duck Dong]

I was born with mental illness, a combination personality and depressive disorder that was not diagnosed until I was 37. In a way I am lucky that I was born in the days before the constant social media talk about LGBT people and high suicide rates, lack of acceptance and tolerance and how its other peoples responsibility to make sure that we are accepted for who we are.......

My sexuality did not define me as a person any more than being mentally ill, does... they are aspects of me as a person....but also I am a individual, unique and that is what sets me apart from other people, in the same way that other people are also individual and unique, its just that we share the same world, just not always the same ideas and thinking......

I was aware of my attraction to other people, growing up but 18+ before I even heard of the term " bisexual " and I knew that people would either be friends or not, it was that simple, people tended to go for long term FWB cos it was easier for sex, unless they wanted to hang out at the local toilets for hookups..... but even now, I notice in this site, that some people find it hard to find people for a FWB / casual sex connection or even a hook up at times.... so I understand that being bisexual does not mean that we are alone and one of a kind but I also get that it can be so hard to find people that share the same interests as us.....

One of the hardest things I have found is the " pressure " on people to be sexually active...its like if you are not having sex with multiple people, you are not " fulfilling your role " as a bisexual cos omg bisexual people can not just be happy with a partner and monogamous, they have to be playing the field in order to be a good bisexual and happy..... but by the same token, I am struggling to name any people that have not cheated on their partners, regardless of sexuality.... and I perfer more of a closed group, which I have with my close friend/ now partner who is female and intersex, two other females, a older male that has terminal cancer and we are looking at adding a second male... its sexual variety but also with the emotional and mental stability that we want and seek, without the game playing, drama and casual hookups...... but our group started as a want and desire for a connection between people, we wanted to " belong " to something more than sex parties and hookups, we wanted to be people that mattered outside of the bedroom..... we wanted to be able to talk about different things and issues, without the if you do not accept us, you are biased, bi / gay hating homophobics that need to be " reconditioned " to the " correct thinking of group hugs and love for all......

I have seen the best and worst of the bisexual / LGBT world, I have lost friends, buried way too many, knocked heads with people that just want to argue about the suicide rate for LGBT without looking deeper into why, that want to use LGBT as a reason and excuse for anything and everything, as if being LGBT makes us some type of alternative human race compared to straight people... I have been involved with and also distanced myself from the wider LGBT community simply cos of conflict over social interaction and political ideas... and while I still remain supportive of LGBT people, I will always disagree with some activists and advocates that tend to push issues too far.......

Yes it can be a lonely life but the reality is that can also be a part of who we are as people, IE the person wanting emotional and mental connections vs the casual sex person, and finding others that share our way of thinking and also want to be a part of our lives, as a casual hook up or more long term fwb...... but to me, its that individuality and uniqueness of each person, that plays more of a role in us being alone and lonely, than our sexuality does because our sexuality is just an aspect of who we are, there is so much more to us.......

[loverhush]

Give you a thumbs up

[KDaddy23]

Finding someone to be sexually active with in this tends to be frustrating, makes some guys second-guess themselves, feel some kind of way to be rejected and even having some self-esteem issues that leads them to think that they're not sexually attractive to other men. Some guys just shrug it off easily enough but many other can't and the longer they go with this on their mind, the more of a problem it can become and to the point where therapy is needed just for the guy to be told that there's really nothing wrong with him and, no - bisexuals really don't go around screwing everyone they can come in contact with. So there are only God knows how many bisexual men who are suffering from loneliness and emotional pain because even "cutting their losses" and going for a casual hookup can be just as difficult as trying to find a FWB.

And guys who started out feeling all fucked up about discovering that they're bisexual can have it worse if they're not able to reconcile in their minds that they're not as fucked up as they feel they are. Some guys get introduced to this in unsavory ways but being men, eh, they just soldier right along despite the unsavoriness haunting them at times and could even be called a form of PTSD; I knew of a lot of guys who suffered from the emotional pain of being taken against their will, seen how they'd isolate themselves or not be as social as their peers might expect and excessive drug and alcohol use was part and parcel of their situation... but they also remained sexually active with other men, as strange as that might seem. Some got their heads squared away, some didn't and, really, there are a lot of bi guys who might feel some kind of way about being bi and they're just working through whatever difficulties they may be experiencing and, to that end, our plight as bisexuals isn't the same plight homosexuals have faced and for as long as I can remember and while you'd think that the hard-earned acceptance homosexuals have gained in recent years would make the lives of some better without lugging the stigma around all the time, there are a lot of gay men - in particular - who aren't having as easy a time with being gay as perhaps they'd hoped.

There's the whole social acceptance thing but, eh, a lot of bi and gay guys tell society to kiss their ass and the angst doesn't bother them one bit. But getting some dick? Whole different story for a lot of guys: It might be easier to bed a man than it is trying to bed a woman but even I see how incredibly difficult some guys make it when it comes to getting some dick to play with so, bleh, not really as easy as it sounds. I can understand why a guy with an average sized cock can feel lonely and have emotional pain to deal with because he's being rejected because his dick ain't big enough; or he's not height-weight proportionate; too young; too old; not the right skin color; too much body hair or not enough; not interested in NSA hookups - the list goes on and on. It's a motherfucker to have to deal with and some guys just don't handle it well at all.

I'd say - and it's just my opinion - that gay men have more issues with this because they have all of their eggs in one basket; if they can't get a man or is some kind of social outcast with his peers, well, he's fucked and not in a good way. We kinda joke about bi guys having options but the reality is we do even if our success rate with women ain't all that great and for those of us in a relationship, we might not be getting all the dick - or even pussy - we want... but we're not alone or in great need of companionship in that sense.

But as I said in my earlier comment, anyone and regardless to sexuality can be bitch-slapped with loneliness and emotional pain and enough of it to drive them to drink and do drugs...

[nu2curious]

Out or not it doesn't matter , the way I see it we are what we are. Like Long Duck I bristle at the notion I should perhaps be cruising truck stops for quickies etc.
As for me I'm satisfied knowing what I want , how I want it to be and that's enough for me.
Being bi isn't, at least for me, a tool to be used for leverage of any kind nor will ever seek to influence anyone else's thinking regarding such issues.
Sexual ID pimps disgust me and for good reason, so not going there.

I choose to be me , love me or not it's what you get.

[playful808]

The article says that gay men are much more likely to have serious mental health issues, like isolation, loneliness, major depression, drug and alcohol abuse, suicide. Fewer close friends and family members. Even physical issues: “gay men everywhere, at every age, have higher rates of cardiovascular disease, cancer, incontinence, erectile dysfunction,⁠ allergies and asthma”. Growing up queer is traumatic, like having PTSD.

It was once thought that this was because of family rejection, homophobia, the of stresses being closeted, etc.
But millions of men have come out, public support and acceptance has sky-rocketed, gay marriage is legal, queer characters in pop culture, etc., and the mental health problems have NOT declined. Many gay men feel isolated in the closet, and then come out, and still report feeling isolated. “All of these unbearable statistics lead to the same conclusion: It is still dangerously alienating to go through life as a man attracted to other men.”

They make the point that hookup apps are replacing gay bars and LGBT social events that helped create communities.

I don’t want this to be true, but I think it is a real thing.

[Long Duck Dong]

The article says that gay men are much more likely to have serious mental health issues, like isolation, loneliness, major depression, drug and alcohol abuse, suicide. Fewer close friends and family members. Even physical issues: “gay men everywhere, at every age, have higher rates of cardiovascular disease, cancer, incontinence, erectile dysfunction,⁠ allergies and asthma”. Growing up queer is traumatic, like having PTSD.

It was once thought that this was because of family rejection, homophobia, the of stresses being closeted, etc.
But millions of men have come out, public support and acceptance has sky-rocketed, gay marriage is legal, queer characters in pop culture, etc., and the mental health problems have NOT declined. Many gay men feel isolated in the closet, and then come out, and still report feeling isolated. “All of these unbearable statistics lead to the same conclusion: It is still dangerously alienating to go through life as a man attracted to other men.”

They make the point that hookup apps are replacing gay bars and LGBT social events that helped create communities.

I don’t want this to be true, but I think it is a real thing.

I live in NZ and yes the closing of gay bars and LGBT events dying off, is a very real thing as there has been a big shift to hook up apps.... but there is another side to it and that is the " politics " of social groups have often been taken over by the activist mentality and its more common in NZ to find people using biphobia and homophobia as reasons for everything which can be very negative for people.....

struggling to come to terms with your sexuality, its not questioning and learning about your sexuality, its internalized homophobia, do not agree with the attitudes of some LGBT people, thats homophobia, refusing to admit that you are homophobic, thats homophobic denial and suppression, rejecting the constant cries of homophobia with every situation, thats casual homophobia... there is no escaping it... then you add long list of things that you " will " suffer as a bi/ gay male ( not may but will ) then hey we are off to a really bad start before we suck our first cock..... lol and yeah some people reckon that my opinion is over the top... the reality is in NZ we marched for same sex marriage rights and LGBT people were labeled as homophobic for standing up for equal marriage rights regardless of sex, gender, belief, religion etc... just simply we are all equal in our right to be married.. so why was it homophobic ? cos we were standing for more than just same sex marriage rights.....

now we had this article the other day and to be honest, it rubbed me up the wrong way https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/life/118771572/im-no-good-at-being-gay-but-im-still-trying
it rubbed me up the wrong way because its a constant theme, to be a good LGBT person, you need to fit the mold... be a social butterfly whose life becomes about the sexuality, not the person, otherwise you are just not good enough as a sexuality......

This one took the cake tho https://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/tv-radio/116861095/this-is-as-bad-as-ive-ever-felt-mark-richardson-accidentally-outs-ryan-bridge-on-air
this in a nutshell, was so confusing, mark richardson asked the co host ryan bridges ( gay ) what do they collect, ryan bridges replied " ex bfs, thats right, I am gay "... now when I was growing up, thats called outing yourself.... but no, its now being outted by another person when a gay man reveals his own sexuality..... now just how the fuck mark outted his co host by asking a question about what do they collect, is something that I am still struggling to work out.......

a recent study I read online, was interesting, apparently trans people have the highest rate of suicide.. or so we have been told many times, but a study of orientation found it was actually higher in non binary people, followed by trans people and if we look at the ratio of people that commit suicide by sexuality, not the number of people out of an estimated number of sexuality, the ratio of straight suicides was actually higher than LGBT because it factored in mental illness as a contributing cause rather than just sexuality alone... and that is supported by NZ suicide stats with over 650 suicides per year now yet the majority of them are not LGBT, they are straight people, its just that the number of mentally ill and LGBT ( as seperate groups ) have a lower overall representation in the population so its that that is used to push the idea that mentally ill and LGBT people have a higher suicide rate....

There is also the thinking that females have more acceptance and tolerance when they come out as enjoying the company of other females, males do not have that, yet we do not have any female cruise bars, lesbian clubs and the majority of social groups are focused on males ( gay and bi )... and the rate of sexual assaults and harassment against females is insane, maybe because we want to fuck them and if they are making out with our wives and GFs its even better... so sure maybe there is more acceptance and tolerance of females having sex with other females but there is much lower acceptance of their right not to be assaulted or harassed pr pressured for sex......

so yeah when it comes to stats, I keep an open mind..... if we have one million males, with 900k straight and 100k gay / bi... and one in 5 of them is going to develop physical / mental problems, then it gives us 20k gay and bi males and 180k straight guys..... it will come out that 1/5 of the 100k gay bi guys have physical / mental problems, which is a concern and 1/5 of those million males will develop physical / mental problems but thats not as much as a concern.... and to me, we keep creating a bigger issue by using sexuality as a defining factor or changing how we see situations.....

[nu2curious]

Uhmmm, what Long Duck Dong said !

I'm personally fed up with those trying to use sexuality for personal, political and/or financial gain all done at the expense of well meaning individuals that for the most part would really just like to live their own lives in peace and safety.