Would love to out myself, but deep in closet with super conservative Christian wife

[Grant_Norman]

I'm married and do love my wife dearly...but she has completely shut down sexually about 10 years ago and finally, about 4 years ago I became VERY seriously bisexual. I've swallowed well over 100+ loads from over 50+ guys and I have really so much enjoyed it every time. Sometimes it has just been so fantastically amazing...even some not so great times ( guy couldn't cum, or was E.D.) were still fine and enjoyable. I truly believe MM sex (of all kinds - anal receiving, kissing, general touching but mostly sucking and swallowing cum) are ALL some of the most wonderful human experiences. I would definitely have male - males sex every day if I could.

Since my wife has shut down, the sexual part of my life has changed focus to sex with men, but I still love her very much and would hate to lose her. Being as super conservative as she is I do fear that it would end us. The sex with men is great and not emotionally demanding ass women, who I'd also would pursue if it wasn't even more complicated and emotionally challenging.

However, I am conflicted because I do have a desire to out myself to some close male friends and relatives ( out myself would also include offering to satisfy them sexually too ). I would expect no reciprocation but would enjoy sucking and swallowing their loads. Again, at this time no one knows about my strong bisexual feelings and fairly large amount of activity ( except for two nurses I told at sexual screening tests at health department)...which really started it all for wanting to out myself. It felt so nice to tell them...and the two different times they were both pleasant about it all and gave me a bag of condemns.

I have some close guy friends at the gym and would love to out myself to them and service them...they are nice regular guys, but since I do NOT look at men as sexual objects (but do love the sex) they're not at all like all the exceptionally hot women at gym in their tight yoga pants...I truly sexually lust after them. Still, as I said before, I'd love to out myself to them and tell them how great the bi lifestyle is....but I truly feel just letting one other person know is a major risk to my wife learning about my bisexual passion.

What to do?

[KDaddy23]

Judgement call stuff. There are people you think you can share this with and it'll be cool - and then you find out they ain't so cool about it; there are people "you know" wouldn't be cool with it... and you find out they're super-cool. Telling a super conservative religious person? Um, nah - I wouldn't because I'm too damned grown to be lectured about religion and its idea of what's evil and what isn't, that and I'm not in a mind to get into an argument with someone who, no matter how I present my side of it, is going to ignore it and, yeah, make it all about them.

Coming out is always potentially hazardous because, again, you just do not know how someone is going to react. I've come out to people or, whew, "worse" admitted to being bi because they suspected I was. Many have said, "Cool - whatever floats your boat (just don't ask me to do it)!" and some have flipped out, gone all Old Testament and, again, made it all about them when, duh, it ain't got anything to do with them. Thus, I long ago developed a need to know philosophy and many of the people I know doesn't need to know that I and tell people to never ask me a question you don't really want to know the answer to. Now, if it's someone I feel needs to know (and there ain't many of them), it's about finding a way to approach the subject with them and with the sure knowledge that they just might flip out - and then deciding whether or not causing that to happen is really worth it. I've found that you can start a general conversation about it with the person you wanna come out to and they'll give you their take on it - good, bad, or indifferent - but when it gets to be specifically about you, well, let's just say that I've learned that people who are cool with it at a high level ain't so cool at the more personal level... but sometimes they are.

And, really - if you tell someone who knows your wife, jeez, why would you do that if there's a possibility they're gonna run back to her and spill the beans? That would be the last person I'd tell! Then again, my wife knows so that's not a problem for me but I have been in relationship situations where someone I thought I could trust did just that - ran back and told my girlfriend and the shit hit the fan... and who wants to be bothered with that... and no one likes a snitch. So it's a judgement call, my friend: Think first, then act if you must or if you can and if you can't, just don't.

[Grant_Norman]

Judgement call stuff. There are people you think you can share this with and it'll be cool - and then you find out they ain't so cool about it; there are people "you know" wouldn't be cool with it... and you find out they're super-cool. Telling a super conservative religious person? Um, nah - I wouldn't because I'm too damned grown to be lectured about religion and its idea of what's evil and what isn't, that and I'm not in a mind to get into an argument with someone who, no matter how I present my side of it, is going to ignore it and, yeah, make it all about them.

Coming out is always potentially hazardous because, again, you just do not know how someone is going to react. I've come out to people or, whew, "worse" admitted to being bi because they suspected I was. Many have said, "Cool - whatever floats your boat (just don't ask me to do it)!" and some have flipped out, gone all Old Testament and, again, made it all about them when, duh, it ain't got anything to do with them. Thus, I long ago developed a need to know philosophy and many of the people I know doesn't need to know that I and tell people to never ask me a question you don't really want to know the answer to. Now, if it's someone I feel needs to know (and there ain't many of them), it's about finding a way to approach the subject with them and with the sure knowledge that they just might flip out - and then deciding whether or not causing that to happen is really worth it. I've found that you can start a general conversation about it with the person you wanna come out to and they'll give you their take on it - good, bad, or indifferent - but when it gets to be specifically about you, well, let's just say that I've learned that people who are cool with it at a high level ain't so cool at the more personal level... but sometimes they are.

And, really - if you tell someone who knows your wife, jeez, why would you do that if there's a possibility they're gonna run back to her and spill the beans? That would be the last person I'd tell! Then again, my wife knows so that's not a problem for me but I have been in relationship situations where someone I thought I could trust did just that - ran back and told my girlfriend and the shit hit the fan... and who wants to be bothered with that... and no one likes a snitch. So it's a judgement call, my friend: Think first, then act if you must or if you can and if you can't, just don't.

Thanks, KDaddy...you're always so wise on these matters...yes, I will continue to just keep quiet for now...my friends and family really would be surprised to learn just how actively bi I am..things have changed quite a bit..mayor Pete running for president - unheard of a fe years back and celebrities like Ellen, Jim Parsons, Anderson Cooper..all probably would've had their jobs destroyed 20 years ago if their sexual preferences were known..it's all coming slowly, but I feel I will probably be dead by the time it is truly all socially understood. For me, I've always been a "who cares?" kind of guy even for 50 years of being 99% hetero in the past.

Thanks for response!

[Tnstr8sucker]

Im in a similar situation except, my wife knows, but I try to keep quiet with others. I am also similar in my feelings and amount of activity.

My opinion is, unless you truly decide youre comfortable losing your wife....Dont screw up a good thing. Its working. Youre getting a good amount of play.
I may be wrong, but I think the reason behind wanting to be "out" is you may be obsessive compulsive with sex.

This is a situation that I deal with that makes me think the same thing. "It would be easier if I were (out)"

I spend a lot of time trying to arrange cocks to suck. I think about it all the time. I want it all the time. And when I do suck one. I already want another.
I get frustrated because i put so much effort into looking for what I feel is a small return. I feel like I can never make it happen when I really want it. So I always feel to myself like Im not having any "luck". But in reality, compared to most people, I have sucked a LOT of cocks, and I suck one pretty darn often. Yet its not enough for me. I think to myself that I wish I were "out" and completely open to lessen some of the barriers to advertising and meeting. Ill think that I would have more success if I could vary the audience. Right now the only guys that know i want to suck cock are guys who happen to go on one of the hookup apps or websites. "What about all the curious/willing guys that would be down for it in the right circumstance, but dont make a profile on a gay hookup site?"

From past experience, almost every time I have come "out" to any of my "straight - real life" friends, its been met with curiosity on their part and led to experimentation. Thats way more exciting when it "just happens" in "real life" instead of pre-arranged on the internet. So I think to myself...."Would I have more of those opportunities, if EVERYONE, knew I was into that?"

It sounds like a great idea. Especially right now as Im typing this with grindr on my phone next to me, and 4 other hookup site tabs open that i keep checking, hoping that someone hits me up before I have to leave.

I cant say for sure thats how you feel. But what you describe is something that crosses my mind, so thats my story. lol

[Opportunist]

I'm married and do love my wife dearly...but she has completely shut down sexually about 10 years ago and finally, about 4 years ago I became VERY seriously bisexual. I've swallowed well over 100+ loads from over 50+ guys and I have really so much enjoyed it every time. Sometimes it has just been so fantastically amazing...even some not so great times ( guy couldn't cum, or was E.D.) were still fine and enjoyable. I truly believe MM sex (of all kinds - anal receiving, kissing, general touching but mostly sucking and swallowing cum) are ALL some of the most wonderful human experiences. I would definitely have male - males sex every day if I could.

Since my wife has shut down, the sexual part of my life has changed focus to sex with men, but I still love her very much and would hate to lose her. Being as super conservative as she is I do fear that it would end us. The sex with men is great and not emotionally demanding ass women, who I'd also would pursue if it wasn't even more complicated and emotionally challenging.

However, I am conflicted because I do have a desire to out myself to some close male friends and relatives ( out myself would also include offering to satisfy them sexually too ). I would expect no reciprocation but would enjoy sucking and swallowing their loads. Again, at this time no one knows about my strong bisexual feelings and fairly large amount of activity ( except for two nurses I told at sexual screening tests at health department)...which really started it all for wanting to out myself. It felt so nice to tell them...and the two different times they were both pleasant about it all and gave me a bag of condemns.

I have some close guy friends at the gym and would love to out myself to them and service them...they are nice regular guys, but since I do NOT look at men as sexual objects (but do love the sex) they're not at all like all the exceptionally hot women at gym in their tight yoga pants...I truly sexually lust after them. Still, as I said before, I'd love to out myself to them and tell them how great the bi lifestyle is....but I truly feel just letting one other person know is a major risk to my wife learning about my bisexual passion.

What to do?

I can suggest the following for your potential male partners. Get drunk with them. Or you just pretend to be drunk. Talk about the hot women in the gym, complain about the lack of action at home. Wonder aloud what "the other side" enjoys about sucking cock. Then if you see an opening, make your move. If you are rebuffed or it gets back to your wife, you can blame it on demon rum. And if you ever find yourself in the greater DC area, you are welcome to suck my cock.

[zbi73]

I have no words of wisdom here but I can relate to your plight. I'd like to be out and think about it often but the time isn't right for me. I have gone from "never coming out" to "I will come out one day" though so I do recognise my desire and need to. I wish you good fortune in whatever you decide to do.

[Grant_Norman]

I spend a lot of time trying to arrange cocks to suck. I think about it all the time. I want it all the time. And when I do suck one. I already want another.
I get frustrated because i put so much effort into looking for what I feel is a small return. I feel like I can never make it happen when I really want it. So I always feel to myself like Im not having any "luck". But in reality, compared to most people, I have sucked a LOT of cocks, and I suck one pretty darn often. Yet its not enough for me. I think to myself that I wish I were "out" and completely open to lessen some of the barriers to advertising and meeting. Ill think that I would have more success if I could vary the audience. Right now the only guys that know i want to suck cock are guys who happen to go on one of the hookup apps or websites. "What about all the curious/willing guys that would be down for it in the right circumstance, but dont make a profile on a gay hookup site?"

From past experience, almost every time I have come "out" to any of my "straight - real life" friends, its been met with curiosity on their part and led to experimentation. Thats way more exciting when it "just happens" in "real life" instead of pre-arranged on the internet. So I think to myself...."Would I have more of those opportunities, if EVERYONE, knew I was into that?"

It sounds like a great idea. Especially right now as Im typing this with grindr on my phone next to me, and 4 other hookup site tabs open that i keep checking, hoping that someone hits me up before I have to leave.

I cant say for sure thats how you feel. But what you describe is something that crosses my mind, so thats my story. lol

Right on...I feel most guys who are bi just don't think about sucking as much as I do...I've often said I'd swallow at least 2-3 if not more loads per day....I do love it that much. Many guys on this site talk a lot about it...but once they cum, they're on to other things, sometimes for many days. When Craigslist was really active, I did get to suck up to 4 or 5 per week...also, when I was away on work, in bigger cities, I could get at least two or three a night in hotel room...no Craigslist and not doing travel now...if it weren't for a few regular repeaters, there would be nothing. Ideally, I'd love about 4-5 weekly (if not more) repeaters. Having to always be looking is a hassle.

When I was younger...30's, 40's I would love to cum at least several times a week...I was lucky then ii that I had an even hornier wife and we would fuck, masturbate together and watch porn....I did not realize that many wives were not that way...oh well, did get a lot of cumming done in those years (just wish I'd been more actively bi then...only sucked a couple cocks(no cum) )

So...the goal of all this would be just to get to more regular cocks each week..which is tough. Thanks for your input...wish you luck in your search for more.

[Grant_Norman]

I can suggest the following for your potential male partners. Get drunk with them. Or you just pretend to be drunk. Talk about the hot women in the gym, complain about the lack of action at home. Wonder aloud what "the other side" enjoys about sucking cock. Then if you see an opening, make your move. If you are rebuffed or it gets back to your wife, you can blame it on demon rum. And if you ever find yourself in the greater DC area, you are welcome to suck my cock.

Thanks for offer...keep in touch...I do occasionally get to D.C. area...would love to take care of you

[Grant_Norman]

I have no words of wisdom here but I can relate to your plight. I'd like to be out and think about it often but the time isn't right for me. I have gone from "never coming out" to "I will come out one day" though so I do recognise my desire and need to. I wish you good fortune in whatever you decide to do.

Yes...it just isn't easy to switch to out of closet...hope to eventually work out way to let more know I'm available

[Christopher South]

I would suggest avoiding anyone you know... friends, gym, etc... There's just too much of a chance of it getting back to your wife. Instead, look at various sites where you can hook up but stress you're looking for an on-going thing with someone you can be friends with. My sexual life and social life are very separate. Unless you're out to your wife and she's accepting of your play with guys, keep it separate.

[Birob67]

I have told a few people of my leanings, but you need to be discreet....

[Grant_Norman]

I would suggest avoiding anyone you know... friends, gym, etc... There's just too much of a chance of it getting back to your wife. Instead, look at various sites where you can hook up but stress you're looking for an on-going thing with someone you can be friends with. My sexual life and social life are very separate. Unless you're out to your wife and she's accepting of your play with guys, keep it separate.

Thanks....good advice...I've tried some other sites but with little success...Craigslist still has an area for meeting guys, but nothing like it was...advertising for long term ongoing is what I need to do somewhere...with old Craigslist I used to easily setup dozens of one offs...just need to find someone who loved having his cock sucked on more regular basis...those are guys I like. Yes...keeping them very separate is probably best.

[Joboo]

I haven’t had the activity you have but my wife shut it down about 5 years ago. I had a bi relationship 40 years ago and felt a huge urge to seek that out again since my wife shut it down. I’ve only had two, enjoyed both but neither were someone I wanted as a regular thing. I would go after women as well but I have had too many women that end up wanting more.

[Neonaught]

Thanks....good advice...I've tried some other sites but with little success...Craigslist still has an area for meeting guys, but nothing like it was...advertising for long term ongoing is what I need to do somewhere...with old Craigslist I used to easily setup dozens of one offs...just need to find someone who loved having his cock sucked on more regular basis...those are guys I like. Yes...keeping them very separate is probably best.

Doublelist is the new Craigslist. Give it a look.

[playful808]

Oral,
You are a good and loyal man for staying with her.
But your wedding vows never included chastity - or lifetime celibacy.
That is a punishment we reserve for our very worst criminals.
And for priests, which you are not.

Women who unilaterally inflict this on their partners will always pay a price.
It is unkind, uncaring, unfair and fundamentally dishonest.

Don’t conservative christians believe a woman should be subservient to her husband?
What do they teach about withholding ‘marital favors’?

[NakedInSeattle]

I can't help but agree with playful808. If she is shut down sexually, what right would she have to expect you to follow suit. If she loves you, she should be able to accept that your needs must be met and if it's with men and no romance (as with a woman) isn't involved, who the hell is being hurt? I can see where she might not want family and friends to know, however. So the closet might have to include just her.
That's my $0.02.

[Grant_Norman]

Thanks, guys...you are right...she is a conservative Christian in name only....has always been..when I first knew her she was the sluttiest (with me only) woman I had been with (and I was with well over 20)...we even almost ended up in a 3-some with my male boss when he was drunk (he was rubbing my cock and her pussy through our clothes)..."Conservative Christian" is just a self-deception she has lived with all her life...probably because her dad was a pastor....she even through herself on me and told me how she loved me and mashed me up against a refrigerator ( when she was already married and had a 4 year-old son)...me a wild, definitely non-conservative from So California (she was from small town in West Virginia).

We got back together after 26 years of no communication and got married 20 years ago. She had settled down some, but not shut down...I could make her cum over 20+ times a session with my tongue (now it is "too dirty" to do)..no, she loved sex and did most anything with me...but about 10 years ago just shut down...she's put on a little weight...but not that much...I really think it is a lot of lack of self-body love.

We are also extremely opposite politically (she has to support grossly immoral orangutan).....but...she insists on cooking my breakfast every morning ---takes me to lunch every day..makes sure I have dinner - (will get me any food item I want pretty much anytime...is always funny, bitchy, workaholic (doesn't stop - has 3 jobs) and mostly kind to me...but, yes, the no sex has made me feel I must seek men...and I do love sex with men...so in a dysfunctional way we do have a good marriage...but it is very unusual.

[ChiefH]

I feel your pain friend! I have an ultra conservative wife myself! We have been together for 51 years and married for 49 in April! She was a wild one for many years in bed and now she has completely shut down! I would love to come out, but she would ridicule me and embarrass me in front of our boys and grandchildren to no end!! So I just sit back and enjoy what I can when I can!!

[Grant_Norman]

Know your pain but glad you find some enjoyable times...wives that shut down sexually at least teach us guys how enjoyable MM sex can be! :tongue:

[KDaddy23]

At the end of any day, anyone thinking about coming out has to do some deep thinking. We get concerned about being closeted - every time I see this word, I get a mental impression of a kid hiding in a dark closet so that the adults have no idea where he is and what he's doing - but, given the social angst that's greater today than any other time I can remember, who you tell - or don't tell - becomes important because, again, you just do not know how they're going to react and if it's badly, what the potential fallout is going to be. Even if someone you know approaches you with their suspicions about your behavior, oh, crap - do you answer truthfully, deflect, or just outright lie? Again, depends on the person who's suspicious and why they are.

It just gets messy, doesn't it? And, all the while, there's that something inside of you that wants to shout this to the mountain tops and to anyone who'd care to listen; even I hear it despite how long I've been bisexual. Sometimes, ya just gotta tell whatever that is to shut the fuck up...

[playful808]

Is it possible she knows already?
I mean, most people know that actions have consequences.
If you marry a sexually active person,
and you decide to completely quit having sex,
… then you will definitely have consequences.
She is not stupid. How can she not wonder?

[Grant_Norman]

She may already wonder some...but I would never want to confirm...I do wish she knew in a way so I could share all the wonderful experiences I've had with men with her..but it really would not be good..she's so blatantly anti-gay...jokes about everyone being transgender...etc. Really don't understand how she can complain to be so conservative without ever considering that my mother was a lesbian atheist ...who she really respected and admired....I really think she is the closet liberal lying to herself

[delpark]

...I could make her cum over 20+ times a session with my tongue (now it is "too dirty" to do)..no, she loved sex and did most anything with me...but about 10 years ago just shut down...she's put on a little weight...but not that much...I really think it is a lot of lack of self-body love.

Perhaps the reason is now "too dirty" is because your wife is a tad incontinent. Women sometimes get that way after menopause. My wife is post menopausal, she shut down the sex years ago. She gave me the excuse of "not being clean" for not wanting to receive oral sex. She had loved it before menopause. But she leaks urine. It took me a while to understand what she was saying and meaning.

I believe some women have their sex drive in the "Off" position after menopause. It as though it doesn't enter their minds. Their sex drive just doesn't exist any longer.

[Grant_Norman]

Yes, you may be correct...she is quite the germaphobic now....I'm not allowed to touch any food at all that we might end up...sharing...she gets real angry if I do

[KDaddy23]

@Playful and OS65, some guys get "fooled" when they think they're handling their business without the little lady being any of the wiser... and one day, discover that she's known all along - she just didn't say anything about it. My mom used to tell us, when we were kids, "Every closed eye ain't asleep..." and we had no idea what she was talking about until one day, my sister got busted for bagging school and thinking Mom wouldn't find out.

She found out - then that saying made perfectly good sense. Like, hmm, maybe the wife is a "germaphobe" because she knows where your hands may have been and because she just might know what you've been up to? Now, don't let that make you paranoid, okay? But it may be wise not to think that she's really clueless.

[Grant_Norman]

I really would be surprised if she knew...my wife just can't keep her mouth shut...especially when it comes tome, she'd slam me regularly if she knew...no, I think she is clueless (at least I hope:bigrin:) In any case, I'll just continue as if she doesn't know for now

[Christopher South]

My wife knows I'm bi and knew I had sex with a guy (she doesn't know how many/often though). I think she knows that I do now. I told her I wouldn't be celibate and after many years of chasing her for sex and getting shut down, I have found sexual satisfaction elsewhere. She's a smart woman and I think she has made a decision... house, car, food, not having to work and a husband not bothering her for sex vs. knowing I'm getting it elsewhere? Yeah, she just ignores it. I don't flaunt it in her face, make sure she comes first and things are stable.

[foundpuppy]

My wife knows I'm bi and knew I had sex with a guy (she doesn't know how many/often though). I think she knows that I do now. I told her I wouldn't be celibate and after many years of chasing her for sex and getting shut down, I have found sexual satisfaction elsewhere. She's a smart woman and I think she has made a decision... house, car, food, not having to work and a husband not bothering her for sex vs. knowing I'm getting it elsewhere? Yeah, she just ignores it. I don't flaunt it in her face, make sure she comes first and things are stable.
My story is a little different but very close. I just need a ‘steady FWB’’. Casual hookups leave something to be desired.

[LVTOGP]

I thought it was a secret until mine confronted me about toys. Surprising she was interested in the control. Since then it’s progressed into some hard pegging and fisting for me. I wish I told her years ago

[Grant_Norman]

I thought it was a secret until mine confronted me about toys. Surprising she was interested in the control. Since then it’s progressed into some hard pegging and fisting for me. I wish I told her years ago

Glad for you both...in my opinion, all couples should be bi and feel free to explore sex with other same sex people...even opposite sex, if that's all it is. Loving and commitment to someone shouldn't be just based on sex...butb we do make it the primary focus of relationships....something we humans really don't understand

[Neonaught]

I really would be surprised if she knew...my wife just can't keep her mouth shut...especially when it comes tome, she'd slam me regularly if she knew...no, I think she is clueless (at least I hope:bigrin:) In any case, I'll just continue as if she doesn't know for now

I would have a difficult time staying with someone who would treat me like that.

[Biwolf]

I really would be surprised if she knew...my wife just can't keep her mouth shut...especially when it comes tome, she'd slam me regularly if she knew...no, I think she is clueless (at least I hope:bigrin:) In any case, I'll just continue as if she doesn't know for now

Sounds like you are very unhappy. I would not put up with that.

[Grant_Norman]

Sounds like you are very unhappy. I would not put up with that.

Some days it is hard to put up with her crap...but she also tries to do a lot of nice things in between...it has actually been a lot better with her since I became aggressively bi...sex with guys has been quite a relief and extremely enjoyable...yet, being truly bi, I would like to add in some female sex also...but guys are easier to deal with...extremely hard to find a woman who would just like sex sometime...I know they're out there but just would be a lot harder to find being in closet...that would probably get me busted.

[KDaddy23]

And women want to know why we think they're insane. There is always this question: "If you're not gonna have sex with me, who's supposed to?" and a woman will almost always answer, "No one." Some men accept this answer... and some ain't hearing any of that and they do what they gotta do despite the consequences. It's a bitch to be with a woman who spouts the rhetoric over same-sex stuff and you know that [maybe] she has no idea that you're one of the people she's ranting and raving against.

[by~his~side]

Oral,
You are a good and loyal man for staying with her.
But your wedding vows never included chastity - or lifetime celibacy.
That is a punishment we reserve for our very worst criminals.
And for priests, which you are not.

Women who unilaterally inflict this on their partners will always pay a price.
It is unkind, uncaring, unfair and fundamentally dishonest.

Don’t conservative christians believe a woman should be subservient to her husband?
What do they teach about withholding ‘marital favors’?



"Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her, for as long as you both shall live?"

Traditional Christian vows include the promise of remaining faithful.
If Oral and his wife had a traditional service their vow exchange would have included the above verse.
Since when is remaining faithful to the person who you promised lifetime fidelity to a punishment?

The only part of your post that I agree with is when you say that woman who *inflict* (your term, not mine) this on their partners will always pay a price.
You are correct.
The price they pay is the loss of trust, love, security and self esteem from an unkind, uncaring, unfair and fundamentally dishonest husband.

[playful808]

Interesting words.

forsake - transitive verb: to renounce or turn away from entirely
Sounds like she renounced him, turned him away, for years.
Who was really forsaken here?

faithful - adjective: steadfast in affection or allegiance : LOYAL a faithful friend
He has been her loyal partner in ALL things, except sex (which she renounces, like a nun). She does not “comfort him” in that way, at all.

I can not fault Oral at all, or call his actions cheating.
Instead, HE got cheated - out of a healthy sex life.

[CurEUs_Male]

So I find the initial post of you wanting to be out to someone, and with the history your shared of your wife's previous zest... it sounds a lot like you want to be out to HER.

I am also a member of several mixed orientation marriage support groups. I chat with men and women, straight and not straight. One very clear statement - every one of the straight spouses that discovered the non straight spouse having an affair wished they had talked about it first. Everyone of the straight spouses that did now first appreciated the open communication.

I cannot understand the comment:
<QUOTE>I think the reason behind wanting to be "out" is you may be obsessive compulsive with sex</QUOTE>
Wanting to be open with a partner of 20 years has nothing to do with obsessive compulsiveness, sexual or otherwise.

I would urge you to have more conversations with your wife. Likely as you mentioned she may have some body image challenges, and also likely ageing is playing a part of the change in sexual desires. Perhaps listen to some of the available podcasts on sexuality, specifically those on sex as we age. There are some great resources.

As you rebuild the pen coversations with your wife, you can lead into your own personal desires, and how those may have changed over time and where you are now. If you are out to your wife, and someone wants to go to her to tell her you were playing with them... she will already know. That is where I am with my wife. She knows I am bi, she knows I am looking for someone to meet with on a regular basis. We have discussions about safety options, risk and mitigation. If someone came to her and told her, it would not be news except that the person telling her would be outing themselves as someone in the lifestyle as well as someone that cannot keep privacy.

[Grant_Norman]

Good conversations everyone...I do appreciate the input....I have tried to work with my wife's issues for 20 years now...I've learned to accept the good with a lot of the bad....I'm certainly not trying to come off as a saint here, but she has repeatedly been unfaithful to me in several marriage vows...I was seeing a counselor for several months and talking with her...I finally got my wife to go with me to a session and she just got mad and walked out something the counselor had never seen....she's had a lot of issues, but the main one is she can't ever admit even the tiniest fault..many of which have been huge...I could go on about several, but it is easier just to not make any waves and let her do her thing...did NOT want to make this a marriage counseling thing...it is just very simple...she has completely shut down any kind of sex between us...I still like sex with anyone, men and women...have not been with any women and probably won't unless non=romantic commitment would happen...but until then, if the chance of sex with a guy happens, I will go for it (like blow job I'll be doing this morning