Poll: married bi women--how do you handle it?

[BiBiologist]

In light of Oprah's search for married bi women secretly having affairs with other women, I'd like to hear from the married bi women on this site. I'm wondering whether you are monogamous, if you have open relationships (where your husband knows and allows for relationships with other women), or if you have secret affairs. I have remained monogamous during my 23-year marriage, find it more and more difficult, but will not have an affair behind my husband's back. I had been happily monogamous for many years, but I think part of the difficulty is in the fact that our relationship is strained for other reasons (financial, disagreements over kids, housekeeping, etc.) and my emotional needs are not being met. Maybe those are the same reasons heterosexuals feel the need to cheat. What do you think?

[deremarc]

I'm heterosexual and I can tell you that those are normally the reasons you wanna cheat...if your physical or emotional needs are not being met. At least for the heterosexual women I know.

[csrakate]

I agree with deremarc....hets very often cheat when things are tough and emotional needs go unheeded....doesn't necessarily make it right...but is often the fodder from which said activity feeds from.

Hugs,
Kate

[anne27]

I know I'm extremely lucky to have a man who understands and supports my bisexuality. He's bi, too, so I think that makes the difference. We do not have an open marriage, but he does not mind if I see women and/or take them into my bed. He says he doesn't feel that women threaten our marriage and I have even had long term (well, long for me-6 months) girlfriend with his blessing.
I have to say that our marriage is strong. We talk about everything and there are no lies or secrets between us. I think total honesty is necessary for an arrangement like ours to work.

I'd write more, but it's late and I'm caffeine deprived. :rolleyes:

[silverleaf]

I also have a husband who is supportive of my bisexuality, and very open about the fact. Like your husband anne27 my husband no issues with as he puts it "sharing me with another women". I agree completely that total honesty is a key factor in making any relationship work but especially a relationship were one or both partys are Bi. I learned the hard way that dishonesty from even a girlfriend outside the marriage will cause havoc.

[GypsyButterfly]

My dh knows I'm bi. I'm working towards telling him that I'd like a gf. It's just in the last six or so months that I've come to accept I am definitely bi. We've talked a little about that & there will be more discussions to come. He's very understanding & openminded, so, I hope as long as I'm honest with him, he'll be like Anne & Silvers dh's. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

[steve10557]

Just to broaden this a little, would women be as tolerant if the roles are reversed? Most men would I think be tolerant of their wifes active bisexuality as they probably find it exciting, even tho it could be equally threatening emotionally. Can a wife be as tolerant of a husbands needs, or should she be?

__________
Always wear clean underwear in case you have an accident. (great advise from my Dad)

[innaminka]

I have been bi for the last 10 years of my 16 year marriage. My husband knows and is supportive as he can be, knowing that I have not changed just because I happen to "like" women as well. We've come to live with it.
Yes, I do have sex with other women. Only ever 1 on 1, tho. He is aware but doesn't want to know. My encounters are far from home and never involve friends or colleagues.
It works for us!


Just to broaden this a little, would women be as tolerant if the roles are reversed? Most men would I think be tolerant of their wifes active bisexuality as they probably find it exciting, even tho it could be equally threatening emotionally. Can a wife be as tolerant of a husbands needs, or should she be?


That's hard. I don't know. Good question.

[DiamondDog]

Just to broaden this a little, would women be as tolerant if the roles are reversed? Most men would I think be tolerant of their wifes active bisexuality as they probably find it exciting, even tho it could be equally threatening emotionally. Can a wife be as tolerant of a husbands needs, or should she be?

I was wondering that too.
SO I made a thread: http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1846

I'm single but honestly, if I were married/partnered to a woman it would have to be open and honest, and I'd have to have a boyfriend, or maybe a husband because I'd cheat and go crazy if I had to keep it all a secret.

I've seen what happens when men secretly cheat on their wives with tricks on the side, and lie about being gay/bi. They compartmentalize their lives and wind doing some fucked up shit.

I'd also expect her to be completely tolerant of me and my sexuality/gender, and open to poly relationships.

It's not like whoever I end up with I'm going to keep this aspect of myself a deep dark secret from him/her/them, and I'd even allow her/him to have a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Also, if I were going to marry or get partnered to a woman I wouldn't do that at all or even consider it unless she's bi or queer.

Sorry het women, this is my life and I only get one. I feel that a lot, (I wrote a lot, not ALL) of het women don't understand bisexuality/queerness in men. I think a lot (again I wrote A LOT, not ALL) of het women, fear it, deny it, and don't REALLY get it as well as bi/queer women do. Yes, I know it sounds inclusive, prejudiced, and close minded but this is what I've experienced from het women, and like I wrote before this is my life and I only get one.

These are just my opinions and I think it's fine if you're a bi guy married to a het woman or a bi woman married to a het guy, and it all works out for the two of you. I'm just saying how it wouldn't work out for me.

Besides, all the women I've ever been into emotionally/sexually but who I didn't date or have sex with turned out to be bi/queer. No I'm not a poon hound. I've only had sex with one woman; but that doesn't make me a cock hound either, even if I have been with a lot more men. I may joke about being a ho, a slut, or a pig dog with my friends but I'm not those things either. Ok, so maybe I can be a pig dog at times. ;)

No I don't see this as coincidence as I can spot my own kind in both men and women, and they can find it in me. I've picked out bi/queer men and women in crowded bars while drunk, on online dating sites, in the classroom, and in a close closeted friend of mine.

I met one of my good bi friends at a GLBT bar while we were drunk and he tried to peek down my shirt in a playful manner at my furry chest which I then flashed him and my future friends with. :) ;) I can even tell when a guy who says he's "gay" is really bi, or "80% gay" as they'll call themselves.

I'd prefer a bi male as a husband/partner but I'd be OK with a gay guy too.

I know I'd be less inclined to cheat on a man though, and if I were going to attempt a closed relationship with someone it would be with a man.

I wish there was a way I could get all the legal rights of a marriage without actually being formally "married" to someone since I see it as a form of ownership for both parties and an institution that many are conditioned to just blindly go into because they think that they have to. I also believe that we're simply just conditioned to believe that we can ONLY fall in love, stay in love, and actively be in love at all times with ONE single person in our life for the rest of our lives.

Again, these are only my opinions so don't flame me. I think it's fine if being in a closed marriage works for you, or you found "the one" married him/her and plan on staying in a closed marriage for the rest of your lives. I know that this probably wouldn't work for me and I'd be miserable and feel trapped. I wouldn't be into swinging or "the bisexual lifestyle" at all, since I can fall into love/infatuation easily with people, even if it's just on an emotional and not sexual level (i.e. we're not sexually active, or were at one point but aren't now). I suppose I'd be more of a polyamourist/polyfidelitist if you want to give me labels.

I know that common law marriages happen, but those don't necessarily give you all the rights that being legally married would.

I guess I should move to Canada or a european country so I can get legal rights with whoever I want.

Not to hijak the thread or anything (I did stay on topic), but these are my opinions as a sexual queer man.

GypsyButterfly: what does "dh" stand for in your post?

[anne27]

Just to broaden this a little, would women be as tolerant if the roles are reversed? Most men would I think be tolerant of their wifes active bisexuality as they probably find it exciting, even tho it could be equally threatening emotionally. Can a wife be as tolerant of a husbands needs, or should she be?


So far, my hubby has just expressed his bisexuality when I've been with him. We have been with other men-together. He knows I have no problem with his participation in a one-on-one with another man, but he says he likes me being there. If he ever changes his mind, he has my blessing.
It would hardly be fair for me to deny him when he's been so supportive of me.
And btw, I DO find my hubby's bisexuality exciting.

[Herbwoman39]

How do I handle it? Lot's and LOTS of fantasy. Hubby gets pounced repeatedly on days that are rough. I also tend to squeeze my thighs together and do alot of deep breathing until the worst of it passes.

Would I be as tolerant if it were hubby and not myself? I have to be honest here and say "Not at first." I would be completely freaked out and wonder what was wrong with me and what *I* did wrong. But, just as hubby went though with me, I know that he would reassure me repeatedly. We are also agreed that I will wait to find a girlfriend when *he* is ready to share me. Or, if someone comes along that I really spark with, then we'll discuss it more at that point. In the mean time, I can flirt and maybe even cyber.

I would extend those same courtesies to him as long as he kept me in the loop. No secrets, as I keep none from him.

[Rhuth]

I think the "jealousy" part of my brain is broken. My straight hubby is perfectly welcome to have girlfriends. He has. And I was there with the tissues when it ended. During it, I never thought he would leave me. I sorta became the best friend he could stay up all night talking about her with... and still have sex with. *scratches head*

If it had come to him wanting to divorce me and start another family with her, I think I would have been okay with that. There is just no question that of course he would stay involved in the lives of our kids. I guess I feel that I love him enough that I would want him to be where he is happiest more than what would make me happiest.

It is terrific for our polyamorus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory) relationship to have the "jealousy" part of the brain broken, but I do not think it is something you can ask of someone else or aspire to.

[gentlepen9]

I’m monogamous and I have to say it isn’t always easy. There’s a lot of daydreaming/fantasying on my end. I don’t think I could have an open relationship with my husband even if he said it was okay because I’m such a private person. The thought of him knowing or wondering about what I’m doing with another woman makes me uncomfortable and I don’t even want to think about including him. Yes, I know, that sounds selfish but if I’m going to be with a woman I want it to be just me and her and what we do is kept between me and her. Honestly, I think this makes me more of a likely candidate for an affair but I wouldn’t intentionally go out and try to have one. What helps me to remain monogamous, or should I say faithful, is that my husband is a great guy and I adore him. His love for me helps to keep those hidden urges at bay or at least give me the incentive to find a more constructive outlet; i.e. writing g/g erotica, watching g/g movies, looking or creating g/g art. :)

[SweetBlackAngel]

Just to broaden this a little, would women be as tolerant if the roles are reversed? Most men would I think be tolerant of their wifes active bisexuality as they probably find it exciting, even tho it could be equally threatening emotionally. Can a wife be as tolerant of a husbands needs, or should she be?

__________
Always wear clean underwear in case you have an accident. (great advise from my Dad)

I'd be curious as to whether these husbands would be so accepting if their wives wanted to explore with other men....

[steve10557]

'Jealosy' is, I think, a natural attribute in most animals. It puts a buffer on changes to the status quo in a relationship. Open partnerships are a risky business, but if we really love our partners and ourselves, we want to see them fulfilled, so we have to set our boundaries as to how far it should be taken without hurting. Maybe bisexuality is just a greater open-mindedness, I would be happy for my partner to have sex with either gender, but as this doesnt interest her, other than at a fantasy level, possibly I am just feeling safe in that. Sex is one thing but an emotional attraction is another, if we cant 'fulfill' each other there, is there something wrong in the relationship anyway? But then of course there are always exceptions to the rule :)

__________
A jug of wine, and thou beside me in the wilderness (Omar)

[marriedbiwife4u]

I think for me being a married bi women as been far easier for me then most. My husband and I were roommates before we began our relationship which led to marriage. Us being roommates we were friends and he knew everything about me. I figured I should tell him so if I ever brought a woman home to the apartment he wouldn't be totally flabbergasted. As for the whole monogamy part. My husband sees no need to surpress my bi side. He and I have talked and we decided that it was ok for me to have relationships with women as long as I don't hide it from him. Otherwise he would consider it cheating. So I guess it all depends on how open and understanding your husband is.

[Celtiff2106]

[QUOTE=steve10557]Just to broaden this a little, would women be as tolerant if the roles are reversed? Most men would I think be tolerant of their wifes active bisexuality as they probably find it exciting, even tho it could be equally threatening emotionally. Can a wife be as tolerant of a husbands needs, or should she be?

To answer the original question, I can say that my husband (who is straight) and I have seriously disscussed my dating other women. Preferably a bi woman because I would not mind having an open three way parntnership.
I
f my husband were bi, I do truly feel that I would be ok with that. I do know that I could not be sexually involved with his male significant other. [I have some deeper issues] But I do know that we would be very close freinds. I would feel that if my husband would be willing to accept my female partner, it would be wrong of me not to accept his male partner. :three:

[pepper28]

I am a married man of 34 years. Before I married my wife I told her of my preference of her being bi-sexual. I said, "I only want to marry a woman who needed to have another female as part of her married family". Personally I am straight, but I enjoy all facets of being with women and I enjoy sexual, inter-personal, friendship and intellectual encounters with women. My wife express a shared preference for other women during our courtship and we shared a number of threesome experiences, but upon our marriage she expressed a change in interest. This change occurred after our first child was born and she stated she wanted to maintain only a monogamous union. No matter how hard I tried to change her mind to this lifestyle change she would not alter her preference. This led me to explore relationship outside of our marriage although I never found cheating to be completely satisfying. Now I want you to know I do love my wife and I think in all other area's she is a fantastic partner, but being this dis-honest prior to marriage will have a chilling impact on a marriages evolution. I have consider divorce, but when discussing my preference with other women I find they either reject the idea or give that limp promise of their preference for the lifestyle, but when I suggest they try to encourage my wife to change her opinion they back away. Now I strongly feel that honesty of preference is the best policy because you will never feel you are the cause of gross ms-understanding, but although I see on many sites such as this, women saying they would love to be this honest my experience is they really don't.