Cheating: A Theoretical Discussion

[Herbwoman39]

This thread was sparked by a post in another thread. My question to you all is this: Is it cheating if you have permission to be sexually active with another person of the same gender? Is it cheating if your S/O is in the room watching?

We all know that lying and going behind our s/o's back is cheating, but what *else* constitues infidelity to you?

I appologise if this topic has been posted before. Drew, feel free to delete if this has been done to death.

[allbimyself]

What consititutes cheating is a matter for the couple to decide.

[Chaia]

I agree that the couple must decide what is cheating. In my case, it isn't cheating if the other person knows about it. If it is in secret, behind the other's back, it is cheating.

[Emma7669]

If the action is done by consenting adults it is not cheating. But in posing the question, I wonder if the person having the sex with the same gender is consenting to it. Don't feel pressured to do something you are not comfortable with. One might have the desire to do something, but if inside yourself you feel it is wrong, then it is wrong.

M

[anne27]

It is cheating if it's done behind your SO's back. Period. :2cents:

And to me, in my own personal Code of Honor , anything that makes me feel guilty, whether my partner knows or not, isn't something I'm going to do.

[miamiuu]

As long as the people in the couple are okay with it I don't see it as a problem. Now, what I do feel is an issue is why do you feel while you are in a relationship you want to see others of the same sex. I'm bi but I'm definitely not into being with multiple people if i'm already in a relationship. The fact that you are looking makes it sound like there is something wrong with your main relationship.

[Biguybob]

For me cheating is a complexissue. It is based on the concept of being faithfull to a commitment. But nowhere does the commitment say I will give up on sex for you. So when two people choose to be in a commited relationship it means two things. 1. I will have sex with no-one but you and 2. You will be available for sex when I need it. For as wrong as it may be for me to expect you to have sex when you don't want it then it is equally wrong for you to expect me to go with out it when I need it. That being said any partner in a commited relationship who is forcing their s/o to go without sex is cheating on that partner. Having permission is therefore not cheating. But there are other issues. Like lets say a man likes getting it up the old dirt road. If his wife is willing to strap on a device and do him then he can't go looking for it from another. I however enjoy performing oarl sex. I get excited knowing what I am doing is being enjoyed by another. I savor the flavor and like the taste at the end. No toy will do that for me (I've tried) I am a bi-sexual because I enjoy women to much to give them up and enjoy men to much to give them up. So I can't be gay lieing to myself. and the same goes in reverse. If my wife enjoys the feel of having sex with a woman how can I as a man give that to her. But if what you desire is the feeling you get with the conquest of a new lover than that would be cheating. If you are atracted to a same sex relatationship and your s/o is not comfortable with the idea of you being with another (but she knows about your desires) and you go behind her back to spare her feelings is that cheating?

[Lorcan]

A couple decides what is cheating and what is not.
Also, people who do it with other people who they know are cheating on someone are, in my (humble :rolleyes: ) opinion, cheating as well.



And to me, in my own personal Code of Honor , anything that makes me feel guilty, whether my partner knows or not, isn't something I'm going to do.
I wouldn't have thought of that if it weren't for this forum. But it's true.




As long as the people in the couple are okay with it I don't see it as a problem. Now, what I do feel is an issue is why do you feel while you are in a relationship you want to see others of the same sex. I'm bi but I'm definitely not into being with multiple people if i'm already in a relationship. The fact that you are looking makes it sound like there is something wrong with your main relationship.

There is nothing wrong with our relationship. We just feel that if we are attracted to another person at the same time we're in our relationship we shouldn't automatically dismiss the idea of being with that person just because we are together. And it is a fallacy that if you're in a strong relationship you will not be attracted to anyone else. We feel that we can love more than one at a time.

[DiamondDog]

What consititutes cheating is a matter for the couple to decide.

Agreed.
It's this simple but people don't really get it.

[csrakate]

Most definitely to be decided by the couple in question...and what they decide and find ok or normal for them should not be held up to scrutiny by others who believe differently. The core of the relationship is the couple itself and as long as both are in agreement....who cares what others think?

Hugs,
Kate

[Long Duck Dong]

lol the general heterosexual concensus is that cheating is classed as having contact * platonic/ sexual *, outside of the relationship

the interesting thing with the bisexual community is that we feel its not cheating if both partners agree to extra relationship sexual contact


if we look at cheating, its often to furfill a need or desire that can not / is not being furfilled inside the relationship, it is actually the act of gaining satisfaction without your partner... so cheating can be classed as masturbation by yourself OR sexual contact with a person who is not your partner

in essence any person that goes outside their relationship to furfill a need with another, is in fact cheating.... however.... we and our partners deicde if WE class it as cheating or if we accept it as a natural part of our bisexuality

[jedinudist]

What consititutes cheating is a matter for the couple to decide.

I agree, it's up to each couple to define what is and what is not cheating.

The word "cheating" signifies something serrupticious being done without another person's knowledge in order to gain something (in this casse, sexual encounter). If you have your partners permission, then obviously this is not something you are doing without their knowledge.

Infidelity means "not faithful", which is up the couple in question to decide.

[Herbwoman39]

EXCELLENT discussion guys! Let's take this one step farther.

Cheating is decided upon by the couple, but what about the values that society has laid on us?

If we have permission, is it still a form of infidelity? Why or Why not?

[SomethingLikeScully]

To me, cheating is being intimate with someone other than your significant other. Period.

But I agree that it is a matter for each couple to decide for themselves. And what they decide is, frankly, their business.

[Lorcan]

And what they decide is, frankly, their business.
Sounds like you'ld be pissed off if someone told you they were poly. It's just their truth, and what's wrong with the truth? Jesus said, "The truth will set you free. "

;)

-Abe

[steve10557]

I think if you even mildly suspect you might be cheating, then you probably are. I've cheated in the past and the insideous effects of guilt have not made it worthwhile, we are really cheating ourselves. But then, if you end up in circumstances where someone throws themselves at you and says "Come and get me big boy (girl)!!", and your sexual organs flood your brain with rationality inhibitors... what do we do? Well of course we phone home for permission :)

________
I'm dying for you just to touch me,
And feel all the energy rushing right up-a-me.
L'amour looks something like you.
(Kate Bush)

[EludedSunshine]

EXCELLENT discussion guys! Let's take this one step farther.

Cheating is decided upon by the couple, but what about the values that society has laid on us?

If we have permission, is it still a form of infidelity? Why or Why not?
This is just my take on it, of course...

Society is not an absolute. Over time, the norms of society will flow between more liberal and more conservative trends. Society also manifests differently for those of us 'here' than, say, an indigenous tribal people. That said, I also believe that society's values, on the whole, are bunk. ;) I might get a lot of criticism for that, but I would ask those people to think of it in terms all of us here can understand: 1,000 years ago, 100 years ago, 10 years ago, even today, we as bisexuals--although more accepted now than before--are still not part of society's truly accepted. In time, everything we know will change. We might not be alive to see it, but it certainly will, in one direction or another. This is just one of many reasons why I take society's values with a grain of salt. My brain isn't wired to see the world the way I've been taught. It's tough at times, but I wouldn't give it up for anything--even peace of mind.

So in response to the question... No. For me, and for my significant other, society does not contribute to our definition of infidelity. It has caused some bumps in the road, but we're dedicated to smoothing out those bumps.
Put me in the camp that says that infidelity is consciously doing anything that would hurt the partner or oneself.

Sorry if that was a bit ranty. I just couldn't let a question of societal values slip by me. :tong:

[Avocado]

Think outside the box. What is cheating? Breaking the rules. What are the rules? The rules you and your partner agree to. So, no it's not cheating if you have their permission.

[deletetacount123]

Im against cheating but I have come to realize that if your bf/gf/spouse knows and says "ok" then its not cheating cause they KNOW about it and are fine with it as long as the person follows rules made between the 2. (like safe sex, knowing they are clean....etc)

So now I think its just cheating IF you do it behind your partner/spouse's back without them knowing anything and lying to them.

Tasha