Outed by snooping wife.

[BiGuyCy]

I just found out that my wife saw a private conversation with a friend on my phone confiding in him that I'm bi and that my wife doesn't know. I mentioned that I've tried to hint at being bi but she was not very accepting and never pushed it.

I haven't done anything wrong except withhold the fact that I'm bi from her. I love her very much, and don't want to lose her. She may not realize yet that I know she snooped in my phone and saw this conversation.

What should I do? I'm currently at work and can't privately discuss it with her. Should I call her out and try to get in front of this and officially "come out", or should I wait for her to bring it up and "defend" myself when the time comes?

[cbb83]

IMO, take the day, go home, talk to her and tell her the truth. She'll probably want/need reassurances that you won't cheat on her (assuming your marriage is monogamous), as the first assumption people jump to when they learn that someone is bisexual is that they absolutely have to be having sex with both genders to be happy. The concept of bisexual people who enjoy monogamy and are equally happy with one or the other never seems to enter most people's minds for some reason.

[whistle1]

I can't offer advice from any personal experience given that I am not married. You know your wife better than anyone here, so you would know if she is the type to want you to broach the subject or wait for her to approach you. She may, as one commenter said, be afraid that you must be cheating with men if you are bi. She may also feel betrayed that you did not tell her you were bi when you got married (assuming you were bi then) or when you knew you were bi (if it was after you got married). In either case, good luck.

[pole_smoker]

Talk to your wife and tell her how you are bisexual. If you don't tell her or deny it or "defend" yourself this will be a mistake and she will see it as you lying to her. Good luck.

[Kysquire]

I just found out that my wife saw a private conversation with a friend on my phone confiding in him that I'm bi and that my wife doesn't know. I mentioned that I've tried to hint at being bi but she was not very accepting and never pushed it.

I haven't done anything wrong except withhold the fact that I'm bi from her. I love her very much, and don't want to lose her. She may not realize yet that I know she snooped in my phone and saw this conversation.

What should I do? I'm currently at work and can't privately discuss it with her. Should I call her out and try to get in front of this and officially "come out", or should I wait for her to bring it up and "defend" myself when the time comes?


She may surprise you, my wife did. We've been married 39 years and have slowed down our sex life mostly due to my heart problems and meds. I still have sex drive and have been watching gay porn and told her so. A few days later I told her I jackoff to gay porn and find it very hot. A few weeks later I told her I'd love to try oral with a guy and she still wasn't freaked out. Next I told her that I was going to try to find a guy to have oral sex with. Just oral and she was OK with it. I told her I don't want a relationship or anal, just find that oral sex with a guy would help me have a decent climax and I, of course, would have to reciprocate. She said OK, but she didn't want to know details. My wife is a prude about sex and this surprised me. She won't blow me and I always desire that. But when I told her I loved her and intended to stay with her forever and that all I wanted was sex with a guy she was OK with that explanation. Good luck, my fellow Kentuckian.

[itsnormy]

WOW...........my wife knew before we married. So it did not distract from the marriage. A few things I have learned in life. Wives are not as upset at you having sex, as they are being LIED TO....THE LIE is the cheat. trusting you and your marriage are golden to many, and a strange piece of ass is more forgiveable than lying about having had that strange piece...if you were not trying to hide being bi, open and up front you might learn she has a secret too....all this sneaky crap will burn you faster than anything and destroy your marriage instantly UNLESS you are open and honest about it...AND if she can't handle it, you perhaps need a different woman...?

[rukiddingme]

Mine is similar to Kysquire, when I was married, we were kinky together with toys. I told I jackoffed to gay porn which excited her. We would watch it together, role play with toys, and have an amazing time. Bedroom talk involved a third man, but we never fulfilled that fantasy before we separated. Some makeup times we revisited the idea, but never seem to find the right person or situation to bring it up.

[billy ball]

My knows that I am and are still married 37 years. So yes tell her

[cuttin2dachase]

Strictly speaking, you have not been "outed" by your wife. Your mm desires have been discovered by her. If she tells your kids & other family, friends, boss, coworkers, church members etc that you are bi or gay....THEN you have been "outed". Getting out in front of it, as you said, is advisable if you want to prevent being REALLY outed. Like others said, admit it, discuss it and come to an agreement or compromise with. But if it means you must never think about mm sex or act on your desires discreetly in order to not risk losing your family or job for being outed.....you have not compromised...you have surrendered.

[CurEUs_Male]

I just posted a bunch of support links in another thread - go check that out.

Honesty is going to have to happen eventually, she knows, and she is going to be thinking about this in a vacuum. That's never a good thing. Have the hard conversation. Open up to her. It will make you vulnerable, but if you are truly accepting of each other and strong, it will make your relationship closer. Harder, but closer and stronger.

Check out the supportive groups - get her the info before she finds the divorce focused, poisonous group(s)!

Also, before you have the conversation look at a great piece on having hard conversations:
http://reidaboutsex.com/difficult-conversation-formula/

Al

[querty]

CurE is spot on, especially about her thinking through all this in a vacuum, and likely drawing inaccurate assumptions and conclusions. Have the hard conversation as soon as you can, and with both of you in a sober state.

Perhaps don't focus, or even leave out if it doesn't come up, that you know she snooped your phone so that the discussion is not clouded by the breach of privacy (that should be addressed later). Just start with something like "I need to talk to you about something".

When I came out to my wife, it was difficult and it did cause some issues at first. But we overcame those and we are for sure in a much better place than before.

Feel free to private message me any time

[DMercator]

IMO, take the day, go home, talk to her and tell her the truth. She'll probably want/need reassurances that you won't cheat on her (assuming your marriage is monogamous), as the first assumption people jump to when they learn that someone is bisexual is that they absolutely have to be having sex with both genders to be happy. The concept of bisexual people who enjoy monogamy and are equally happy with one or the other never seems to enter most people's minds for some reason.

Good advice.

[in21113]

Don't do anything. Don't say anything. It will only make things worse. Try and have some make up sex, but don't mention the incident. If she cuts you off, she's been having sex with someone else anyway.

[querty]

Don't do anything. Don't say anything. It will only make things worse. Try and have some make up sex, but don't mention the incident. If she cuts you off, she's been having sex with someone else anyway.
Complete bullshit, and exactlybthe wrong way to go about it.

[~Joe~]

I have had Bi tendency for many years to what my wife has always know about.
It was back in 1999 and we where at a carpark next to some woods when my wife spotted two guys wanking each other off then the one guy bent down giving him a blow job,
My wife looked and said to me why don't you try that! I was like woooo what?, she said she new i was into men so go and try it.
Well i went into the woods and did gave some guy a good blow job and from there onwards she has know and is ok with my having sex with men.

Sometimes women just surprise you, and when you think they are going to go one way, they go the other way!.
Your wife has been in your phone and knows what was written right, and so far has said nothing !
Then let her make the first move when you get home.
You may find she is ok with it, but wants to have it out that are Bi and not cheating as suggested before.

Play it by ear but for now act like all is ok and let her mention it.
You may be surprised.
But any way it goes ... good Luck.