Julie`s Profile

[bohemia]

I`m sorry but I can`t keep quiet any longer!! I was really offended to read the reference in Julie`s profile to `spicing up people`s deadwood marriages` which seems to me to be a highly discriminatory comment. She has revised her profile several times since I first read it, but still the offending phrase remains. My partner and I actively pursue a polyamourous lifestyle as a positive choice, but our relationship is far from `deadwood`! Indeed, our relationship is deepened and strengthened by our ability to be `fully sexual` and to seek open and mutually satisfying relationships with others who think and feel the same as us. I`d like to ask Julie, how else are `bi-sexual` (eugh, hate that term) people in committed relationships supposed to discover and fulfill their true nature? Surely, tarring all polyamourous people with this negatively judgemental brush is unacceptable on a site such as this. It`s certainly not something I would expect from someone who is described on here as an `unofficial community leader`!! I`m very interested to hear other people`s views ... and it would be great if Julie would explain her comment. :bipride:

[ScifiBiJen]

In the interest of providing you with meanful feedback on what seems to be an important issue, maybe you can clear up some things for me.

Is the term "deadwood" being taken to mean something specific to polyamorous or bi couples? Or is it just another word for "boring"?

I'm reading her profile, but I'm not sure how you're taking her comment to be directed towards you specifically. It looks like she just says that she as an individual is not interested in being a part of a 3-some or being involved with someone who's already in a couple... I don't feel like she's making any comment at all about people who are interested in outside-the-couple-relations.

If you're seeing something else in this that I'm not, please let me know. I'm just lookign to better understand your comments.

[csrakate]

I have to agree with ScifiBiJen...Julie is merely stating that she prefers not to be an object to merely "spice up" a relationship by offering herself sexually to a couple seeking such. What is wrong with that? I fail to see it as a direct comment against others who choose to do so, or those, like yourself, who choose to seek sex outside of a relationship. It appears to be a statement of preference in the way that I read it. I interpret the term "deadwood" to be directed at couples who don't have the understanding like you and your partner do...those that find themselves stagnated over time thereby seeking a little sexual encounter to fulfill a fantasy that would most likely not be as fulfilling to the third party and hardly an open door to a relationship at all. We all know that this situation occurs and from what I have read in posts by many of the bisexual women on this site, they have often found themselves in this scenario and it can be very hurtful to them. I see Julie's statement as saying she isn't seeking to be used as a means to "bring the wood to life" so to speak.

BTW..the term "unofficial community leader" refers to the amount of posts that someone makes in the forum and has nothing to do with the mission or purpose of this site. As far as I can tell, the only mission we try to adhere to on this site is to live and let live...something that perhaps you are unable to envision yourself by internalizing her comments as judgmental. I can promise you that if you read any comments offered by Julie in the past, you could certainly see that she is a loving and caring member of this community who has invested much of her time and wisdom in helping others in need.

I ask you to read her profile again...this time without regards to your own situation and perhaps you may see what I mean.

Hugs,
Kate

[bohemia]

Thanks for your comments folks. This is just the kind of debate I wanted to kick off.

I wondered whether this was Julie being `mischievous`(as she describes herself) or whether it`s a dig at the kind of approaches she`s received here. I know there are some couples who simply want to `spice up` relationships that may have become boring for them, and good on them if they are up front about this. And of course, Julie has a right to state her preference.

My problem is in her choice of words and I still maintain that there is a danger in such comments being interpretted as discriminatory against polyamourous people generally.

I do have a particular value base which is about `acceptance` of other people`s lifestyle choices. The reason why I like this site is that most of the material on here seems to match with that value base - people have a right, and indeed are encouraged, to be themselves, openly and joyfully. Julie`s comment struck me as being at odds with this.

[csrakate]

While I appreciate your sensitivity pertaining to this subject, I still think you may be over interpreting Julie's remarks. But, as long as we are on the subject, I would also like to caution you about pinpointing an attitude on one individual in a public forum. You have opened her profile up for discussion without giving her the benefit of defending herself before doing so...that is definitely not the purpose of this forum. This subject would have been better dealt with in private, thereby saving Julie the humiliation of becoming accused of discriminating against a sector of this community. Please remember that in the future...Posting rules state this very clearly:


2. Be polite - flame the idea if you feel you must, but not the person.

Hugs,
Kate

[bohemia]

Point taken ... and I have debated with myself for weeks as to how to address this.

Having read a lot of Julie`s posts, I think she`s woman enough for this issue to be addressed publicly.

She certainly has a vehement friend in you Kate!! :cool:

Hugs back, Jude :)

[LouiseBrookslover]

Methinks you have too much time on your hands if you've debated something as harmless as this for "weeks". Lighten up, Frances.

[canuckotter]

My problem is in her choice of words and I still maintain that there is a danger in such comments being interpretted as discriminatory against polyamourous people generally.
You're certainly entitled to your opinion. However, everyone else on the site seems to clearly understand that her profile is not intended even remotely the way you read it -- in fact, I had to think about it for a few minutes even to figure out where you got that idea, and I suspect I'm not the only one.

And for future reference, you're much better off in a case like this to contact the person directly rather than starting a public discussion like this.

[deletetacount123]

I've seen Julie' profile and personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. I strongly believe everyone has the right to say excatly what they are looking for or don't want.... saves time asking.

I see excatly what ScifiBiJen and Kate sees when they saw her profile.

Im sure Julie meant no harm, she was just making it clear she was not into being part of a threesome or involved with a couple.

I think you should have addressed this to her personally... MAYBE if she knew it had bothered someone so much, she would re-word it... I know I would if someone privated me.
You can hurt or upset someone by getting all upset over a word when in most cases it can similpy be solved by just private messaging her... maybe she had no idea that word bothered someone so much.... but to her, it seemed a ok word to explain her sentence and everyone else clearly sees what she means.

Tasha

[redheadedwench]

i also read it, and i didn't see anything offensive about it either. the way that it's worded, doesn't sound like she's debasing anyone's choice of relationship. it sounds like she's saying that she doesn't want to be used to 'spice up' anyone's relationship. :2cents: :flag4:

[DiamondDog]

It's her profile, so she can write whatever she wants.
I personally don't like to get with couples of any gender that just want to use me as an additive for one night to spice up their dull relationship.

I personally have a strong for dislike gay/bi married men that are furtive and cheat on their wives/husbands; but I don't go around announcing it publically in threads pointed at specific people.

I'm not flaming you, I'm just telling you my opinion.

[julie]

...giggles... oooh notoriety!..at last!! thank-you!!! MWAH!!!!

...yes you are quite right Bohemia... i am mischevious :tong:

.. and i have become very bored with being asked to get involved with some rather tedious couples.. especially when my profile has always been crystal clear that i am not into 3-sums...

...by my reckoning, folk who choose to ignore this polite statement( which is, after all, just flagging up my personal boundaries) maybe need a little less subtlety for the message to hit home... hence my no holds barred statement which, i have to say has been 100% effective in its purpose..

...so does this mean i discriminate against polyamourous folk? ....err no actually, why would i??

....it does mean, however, i discriminate against polyamourous folk who totally disregard my boundaries and try to manipulate( groom even!) me into relationships i really DO NOT WANT TO TOUCH WITH A BARGE POLE!

... so you are offended?.. well hey, maybe i feel a wee bit offended that you have chosen to mouth off in the forums rather than send me a private message? Which i do believe would have been more appropriate as a first line attempt to express your concern about something on my profile..

...because, if you had have written to me privately i would have felt very sympathetic to your concerns... and taken the time to express my well thought through views on polyamory, just why it is something that really is not safe for me... and also that i flagged up YOUR profile bohemia to a friend of mine who is looking to meet up with a couple for 3sums but doesnt often get online so sometimes misses the updates...

...but no, you chose instead to second guess my motives through here instead.. your call... and i note that as no-one else seems to find my profile offensive i can see no reason to amend my statement about not wishing to be used to liven deadwood marriages/relationships... BECAUSE I DONT!

...big grins to those of you who stepped in to defend my honour though

:bigrin: ... thank you xxxx

....plus Bohemia... ta for all the extra publicity for my profile, maybe i'll finally attract some local ladies to make friends with.. which is really all i'm looking for just now :rolleyes:

....no hard feelings eh?

Julie :female: :three:

all equal....all different...thank God :cool:

[taz67156]

I'm with everyone else why would you go and complain about someones profile here in the forums when it should be in pm only cause its very rude to put someones profile down like that. Everyone could have something in their profile that will offend somebody else but do we say anything here about it No its dealt with differently

I personally find this forum rude and shouldn't have been put up like it did

[mrandmrs]

What a control freak!!! Boh, get it together. Live and let live...blah blah blah.
Geez, I'd hate to think of all the time he wastes going over every line of everyones profile...What a treat it must be to be married to you...."watch what you say or I'll tell." Are we all 6yrs old again? ;)

[deletetacount123]

Ok.... everyones getting upset.....

Boh,
Julie did not do anything wrong, she was simply being honest and saying what she DIDN'T want in a relationship in a way that worked best for her. We all have our own ways of wording things.
Honestly makes a good profile.... and that is all that Julie did and thats what everyone else sees... just her being honest and clearly saying what she didn't want.

EVERYONE won't like everyone's profiles... I know I dislike profiles that contains the F word..... I know some people dislike profiles if theres no pictures, There are some people who dislike profiles that barely has anything on it.... we're all different, just like in real life, we don't have to like everyone.

I think the only time you have every right to complain is IF you found a profile that clearly attacked people cruelly... like rasict remarks, talking bad about people with handicaps and things like that.

If your not happy with someones profile.. PM them... thats the nicest way and more polite too.

Tasha

[csrakate]

Ok..you said Julie was woman enough to take on this subject publicly..well shit..not so true..Apparenly Julie is too much of a lady and was very much a lady in her response! To that I say way to go Girl!

I just want to know one thing...why is it you polyamorous types get your panties in such a wad over such minute details as wording in a profile...Do you question your lifestyle so much as to be so defensive over it??? I have been on this site for over a year now and I have never seen anyone come out publicly and denounce your lifestyle. BUT...on the flip side..I have been attacked and accused of narrow mindedness when I tell my story of being married to a bisexual man who has chosen to be monogamous with me.

I'll say it again...Live and Let Live...and if you don't like it...then don't waste our time or our web space with your narrow minded ideas.

Hugs,
Kate

[smurf111978]

I must say I have to agree with Kate, the forums are in no way the place to make un warranted personal attacks on the members here. I can see nothing in Julie's profile that would warrant any attacks in public or private. From the way I read it Julie is not making any attacks on any one what so ever, just stating what she is looking, or not looking for.

I’ve always found Julie to be very kind and thoughtful when we have spoken and I believe she has shown these qualities in her reply on here.

Before I get accused of being anti-Poly I want to make it clear I'm not. Indeed any one who can make a true poly relationship work has my respect as I believe from what I've learnt; it shows commitment and love with little jealousy.

Regards
Smurf

[bohemia]

Ok folks - I hold my hands up and apologise unreservedly to Julie for addressing this in the way I have. I`m new to posting on forums such as this and I overstepped the mark ... lesson well and truly learned :yinyang: and grateful thanks to you all for teaching me this boundary.

Your responses display great thoughtfulness and wisdom, especially Julie`s own. I hope you`ll forgive this foolish woman for getting her (rather sexy!) knickers so unnecessarily in a twist!!

Luv & Respect to You All, Jude xxx

[taz67156]

hey bohemia,
I'm sure everyone can forgive you for this cause you are fairly new to the forums, I'm one that can let things like this go since you have apologised for it.

taz67156

[tom_uk]

………. Bohemia, if you think Julie’s profile is just derogatory to your polygamous life style, well think yourself luck and spare a thought for me. Julie and I met on the site over a year ago and have been having a real, sweet, enjoyable, happy, caring, fun, intimate, interesting and close relationship.

….. She writes in “The Profile” that she is looking for “Just women though, no men ta…no matter how lovely you are!”

…… The “just women though” statement degrades and attacks my core masculine traits, it belittles my masculinity, attacks the core of my being, my maleness, it implies that I am not a “real man” and my feminine characteristics eclipse my true manliness.

…… The “no matter how lovely you are” is just a direct insult to my personality nothing more nothing less.

…. and “fiesty androngenous ladies” well just don’t go there

….. Bohemia, she is a feisty kick arse woman, who is thoughtful, kind, caring sensitive and perve dot com would be a duller place without her and without you of course!

….. enjoyed the thread xXx

… enough of this now where did I put this months copy of cosmopolitan?

[tom_uk]

.. oh by the way not sure if a agree with the sponsored product placement on your profile – picture 6 “staples” :bigrin:

[julie]

Ok folks - I hold my hands up and apologise unreservedly to Julie for addressing this in the way I have. I`m new to posting on forums such as this and I overstepped the mark ... lesson well and truly learned :yinyang: and grateful thanks to you all for teaching me this boundary.

Your responses display great thoughtfulness and wisdom, especially Julie`s own. I hope you`ll forgive this foolish woman for getting her (rather sexy!) knickers so unnecessarily in a twist!!

Luv & Respect to You All, Jude xxx

Giggles, no worries Bohemia... i quite enjoyed the notoriety my 15 minutes of fame brought me
;)

...and i dont think you are a foolish woman, for what my opinion is worth. You were upset and confused about something and in your quest to resolve your distress you inadvertantly crossed a boundary.. but only through the means you expressed your concerns though.. its so easy to misunderstand the tone of the written word, heaven forbid if we felt too intimidated to attempt to clarify what someone was trying to get across.. for fear of making a fool of ourselves...

...welcome to the rollercoaster experience that is the forums Jude... please dont stop posting cause of this.. i for one would love to hear more from you on here
:bigrin:

love Julie :female: xxx

ps i've no doubt those twisted knickers of yours are very sexy indeed if the pics of you on your profile are anything to go by... :shades: :oh:

[julie]

………. Bohemia, if you think Julie’s profile is just derogatory to your polygamous life style, well think yourself luck and spare a thought for me. Julie and I met on the site over a year ago and have been having a real, sweet, enjoyable, happy, caring, fun, intimate, interesting and close relationship.

….. She writes in “The Profile” that she is looking for “Just women though, no men ta…no matter how lovely you are!”

…… The “just women though” statement degrades and attacks my core masculine traits, it belittles my masculinity, attacks the core of my being, my maleness, it implies that I am not a “real man” and my feminine characteristics eclipse my true manliness.

…… The “no matter how lovely you are” is just a direct insult to my personality nothing more nothing less.

…. and “fiesty androngenous ladies” well just don’t go there

….. Bohemia, she is a feisty kick arse woman, who is thoughtful, kind, caring sensitive and perve dot com would be a duller place without her and without you of course!

….. enjoyed the thread xXx
… enough of this now where did I put this months copy of cosmopolitan?

tom, my darling boy...

...you are all the man i need.. why go out for a burger when i can get steak at home eh?

:tong: jxxxxx