Why the "need" to be "out"?

[carolinabi]

My first post here, (well, besides my welcome post), so here goes.

A few months ago, a guy I know, not very well as he is really just someone that runs in the same circles I do, decided to "come out" publicly, on Facebook. He's a nice enough guy, cool to hang out with, veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan, cool enough to hang out with, and always having women problems (married a couple times, second one didn't even last a year).

So he moves to a different state, just a couple hundred miles away really, and decides to make this grand proclamation on social media about his bisexuality. Now, in-and-of itself, there is nothing wrong with this, he can tell the world anything he wants on social media, my question is... why?

Unless one swings, sex is generally thought of as two people, the majority of people keep their sex lives secret, not necessarily because they are embarrassed of it, but because they look at what they do behind closed doors as private, and nobody's business but their own.

This is the way I see it, as a private act, between two (or more if you choose) people, but not something to be broadcasted.

So I'm posing the question here, "Why do you, or some people, feel the need for the public to know their sexual preferences?". Is it an acceptance thing? If so, why do you need someone you don't know to "accept" that you're bi, gay, lesbian, etc.?

For my the guy I described up top, it didn't seem to go well for him, his circle of friends stopped contacting him, and he stopped coming down for visits. He just disappeared, both from public view and on social media. It didn't have to end that way.

My wife knows I am bi, and a very few select friends know I'm bi, my wife, and the friends I have chosen to share that information with accept me for me, but honestly, the subject never comes up. I guess I just don't understand the need to let people into an area of your personal life that's just none of their business at all...

Ok, enlighten me.

[pole_smoker]

Why the "need" to be "closeted" and act as though being bisexual is something to keep secret or be ashamed of? :rolleyes:

Contrary to what people who are closeted believe being out about being bisexual is not telling other people the exact details about your sex life or broadcasting what you do sexually.

[carolinabi]

Why the "need" to be "closeted" and act as though being bisexual is something to keep secret or be ashamed of? :rolleyes:

Contrary to what people who are closeted believe being out about being bisexual is not telling other people the exact details about your sex life or broadcasting what you do sexually.

i don't keep it to myself because I am embarrassed, I keep it to myself because a) it's nobody's business, and b) because the majority of people either don't care, or don't want to hear about it.

answer the question.

[pole_smoker]

i don't keep it to myself because I am embarrassed, I keep it to myself because a) it's nobody's business, and b) because the majority of people either don't care, or don't want to hear about it.

answer the question.
I did answer the question. Reading comprehension, how does it work? :rolleyes:

The idea that being out as bisexual is "nobody's business" is one that people who are uncomfortable with being actually out as bisexual claim, and a lot of times these people will be the first to complain about how society, gay/lesbian people, or heterosexuals don't understand bisexuality, or don't accept us bisexuals. :rolleyes:

These people who are against bisexual people being out as bisexual are living in the past, and are usually not comfortable with other bisexual men or women who are out and who are living proof that being out as bisexual is not the end of the world or something to be avoided. It's also not basically begging to be ostracized by your friends and family, community, peers, etc. either.

[carolinabi]

I did answer the question. Reading comprehension, how does it work? :rolleyes:

The idea that being out as bisexual is "nobody's business" is one that people who are uncomfortable with being actually out as bisexual claim, and a lot of times these people will be the first to complain about how society, gay/lesbian people, or heterosexuals don't understand bisexuality, or don't accept us bisexuals. :rolleyes:

These people who are against bisexual people being out as bisexual are living in the past, and are usually not comfortable with other bisexual men or women who are out and who are living proof that being out as bisexual is not the end of the world or something to be avoided. It's also not basically begging to be ostracized by your friends and family, community, peers, etc. either.

I can only assume that was a question you were asking about comprehension, because, well, you obviously didn't understand the question...

The question was, Why do you feel the "need" to be "out"? Why is it so important for some that feel people need to know their sexual orientation. That was the question, you can answer it now if you want.

[bikurinpa]

I can only assume that was a question you were asking about comprehension, because, well, you obviously didn't understand the question...

The question was, Why do you feel the "need" to be "out"? Why is it so important for some that feel people need to know their sexual orientation. That was the question, you can answer it now if you want.
that is one reason why most on this forum has him on the iggy list! The ignore!

[bisocialnudist]

Welcome Carolinabi Many people ask the question you are asking , I think our reasons for being out are often misunderstood. I am out because bisexuality is about who I am not what I do, what I do sexualiy is private just as it is for heterosexuals.My sex life is noones business but who I am goes to the very core of my identity ans sense of self ,people need to know me or else Im just an actor in a play. By being out I can be a role model, when friends family coworkers etc realize bisexuals are just normal every day people the world gets kinder and gentler for us. I am out because it is my way of proving to myself that I am not ashamed of who I am, Researcher Richard Troiden talks about the commitment stage of identity development where people are more comfortable with their homsexuality (bisexuality) as their identities develop so I may become more comfortable with who I am before those around me do but perhaps by being out I can help them along.

The fact is in my world bisexuality is a fabulous way to be, something to be celebrated without shame. Yes I want everyone I know, to help effect a change in attitudes , I want who I am, who I say I am and how others perceive me to be the same. My daughter and I struggled for years because there was a disconnect between who she thought I was , gay, and how I presented my self to her straight, once I came out as bi, she had an "oh that makes sense" moment and our relationship has been wonderful ever since, she understands me.

I am out because I can find others like me for "me toos" and "I understands" . By being out I have made other bi friends a far cry from how isolated I was as a teenager. Finally when I came of age there were no other models for living life as a bisexual so I figured it wasnt an option, people need to know that bisexuals can indeed live happy rewarding lives, Many would say Im the happiest person they know, bisexual and all. As for people I dont know, it doesnt usually come up unless I am giving a lecture on it. When it does , one never knows when someone struggling may be able to have a conversation they never thought they could have. Its happened to me enough to know its a benefit to others. This is my list, Im sure there are more reasons I left out , in any case its just me . others can have different feelings about this and thats OK, your thoughts are valid for you just as mine are valid for me but these are just a few of the reasons why I need to be out. Mark
Edited to add my usual disclaimer 9/11/2016 5:54PM
Note being out for me has been a wonderful experience, studies show that being out is only good for us if its good for us in other words some areas, cultures, jobs and families it could be harmful or dangerous everyone needs to weigh their own circumstances.

[tenni]

Being "out" is basically gay philosophy. There were some fairly good grounds to have large numbers public about their homosexuality. It was believed that the gay movement had strength in numbers to get acceptance. Some gay people made statements about feeling good about being honest and not hide their sexuality. We must remember that homosexuality was illegal in many oountries. It still is illegal in some places and non heteros are executed in some countries for having same sex activity. The negative stigma was huge.

Is this relevant to people who want to be involved with both genders? Some would say no. Many Heterosexual and some bisexual reject bi guys and no amount of being out will change their attitude. We have not found the key for bisexual acceptance with much of it being mixed up with monogamy as the only way to live.

Some young bisexuals have adopted the gay movement's rationale about being out as a poistive thing to do for self indentifcation reasons. That is ok but a block of people gay or ? telling bisexuals they must be out is going to work.

Some bisexuals hold what I consider an evolution of the out scenario. They believe that who they have sex with is only relevant to heir immediate sexual partners. This probably requires a shift in attitude amongst the mainstream bias against bisexuals. It may be a catch 22 scenario.

It is probably wise to promote the idea that it is no one elses business.

[Ebonybifemme7]

My family and friends found out i was bisexual over the internet. Id would have rather have kept that private. I think coming out is more for gay people. Plus people think bi men are just gay men in denial. Although i dont believe that.

[pole_smoker]

Being "out" is basically gay philosophy. There were some fairly good grounds to have large numbers public about their homosexuality. It was believed that the gay movement had strength in numbers to get acceptance. Some gay people made statements about feeling good about being honest and not hide their sexuality. We must remember that homosexuality was illegal in many oountries. It still is illegal in some places and non heteros are executed in some countries for having same sex activity. The negative stigma was huge.

Is this relevant to people who want to be involved with both genders? Some would say no. Many Heterosexual and some bisexual reject bi guys and no amount of being out will change their attitude. We have not found the key for bisexual acceptance with much of it being mixed up with monogamy as the only way to live.

Some young bisexuals have adopted the gay movement's rationale about being out as a poistive thing to do for self indentifcation reasons. That is ok but a block of people gay or ? telling bisexuals they must be out is going to work.

Some bisexuals hold what I consider an evolution of the out scenario. They believe that who they have sex with is only relevant to heir immediate sexual partners. This probably requires a shift in attitude amongst the mainstream bias against bisexuals. It may be a catch 22 scenario.

It is probably wise to promote the idea that it is no one elses business.
Coming out is not a "gay" philosophy; but you're homophobic and have a lot of internalized biphobia and homophobia Tenni, or Jim Riley. :rolleyes: You can claim that you're a wannabe "bisexual activist" all you want, that you speak for bisexual people, etc. but when you're deeply closeted as you are and not out, then you're just full of BS. :rolleyes: ;) :smilies15

You're also completely ignoring the large numbers of bisexual people who are out, and who unlike you have been out and fighting for bisexual rights instead of hiding in a closet. :rolleyes:

This are pictures of Tenni/Jim Riley:

http://i.imgur.com/Ihl6cZE.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/A2Y9sfy.jpg


No, Jim Riley, it isn't. Not editing that out either... hide some more?

[pole_smoker]

I can only assume that was a question you were asking about comprehension, because, well, you obviously didn't understand the question...

The question was, Why do you feel the "need" to be "out"? Why is it so important for some that feel people need to know their sexual orientation. That was the question, you can answer it now if you want.
I already answered your question. The reply of, "Reading comprehension, how does it work?" was directed towards you since you need to work on your own reading comprehension. ;) :rolleyes: :smilies15

[Ebonybifemme7]

Its more fun when its a secret.

[tenni]

“Researcher Richard Troiden talks about the commitment stage of identity development where people are more comfortable with their homsexuality (bisexuality) as their identities develop so I may become more comfortable with who I am before those around me do but perhaps by being out I can help them along. “


This is an interesting report. Was it you social who put bisexuality in brackets or Troiden? That reads as bi erasure by tagging bisexuals to homosexuality as if they are the same. Whether you are out advertising your sexuality or not ....we need to watch for those institutions promoting bis are gay mantras.


I don’t know about my identity developing but I agree that bisexuals need to become more comfortable with their sexuality and that doesn’t happen overnight. There are few sources of information in part because so few studies report on bisexuality. I have found that as I became more comfortable that I can discuss bisexuality in a safe place.


Just on a quick thought, I don’t really see it as my responsibility to help non bisexuals to become comfortable with bisexuality unless I want to be in a relationship with them. If they make bigoted statements, I can correct their incorrect perception without adding I’m a bisexual.

[bisocialnudist]

I added the brackets, You are right about the bi erasure but whether we are talking about the Cass Model or Troiden it is they who did the bi erasing by not including bisexualty in a compare/contrast format. On longer more formal articles I am usually careful to callout the differences. In this particular case ,,a quick forum post,there were enough similarities between my understanding of bisexual identity development and homosexual identity development that I just added brackets it was not my intent to contribute to bi erasure sometimes we simply need to be included in research, sometimes there are differences sometimes aspects of identity development are the same.

I dont expect all bisexuals to try and change the worlds attitude about bisexuality it takes work and can be emotionally exhausting I do the best I can,as I said this is a topic with varied opinions and attitudes one is not more right than the other, if our intent is to leave our world a better place than we found it we all have our thoughts on how best to do that. I want the bisxuals of tommorrow to find a kinder gentler world if just one non-bisexual developes a more positive view because of my efforts I will have taken the tiniest of steps towards doing that. .

[Coastocoast]

I make an effort but I do choose where and how to make my stand carefully. I am very tight lipped about my sexuality with my family/work (parents Catholic, Kids adolescent, job political suicide) but don't let any bigoted wisecracks go. I have often stated bi does not equal gay, some are attracted to both but am not jumping up saying I am bisexual. My kids know I am not closed minded and would support them or their friends regardless of their sexuality or religion but want them to form their own identities without showing my leanings towards sexuality or lack of religion. At work I am very careful. Nobody has ever been refused a promotion based on their sexuality as far as HR is concerned but yet we all see non-heterosexuals passed over time and time again for promotions. No I do not show religious or political leanings either. I wish the world were perfect but it is not so I am guarded. If I were in the art, entertainment or music industry it might be different but in my line of work it is reality and I do have a family to take care of.

[csreef]

The very simple reason this man "Needs to be out" is this : He needs to have some sort of validation to his life; or he needs to feel a sense of Self Actualization to his life.

Self Actualization is defined as the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.

If you would like to learn more, you may wish to google Abraham Maslow and work on the Hierarchy of Needs.

[tenni]

The very simple reason this man "Needs to be out" is this : He needs to have some sort of validation to his life; or he needs to feel a sense of Self Actualization to his life.

Self Actualization is defined as the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.

If you would like to learn more, you may wish to google Abraham Maslow and work on the Hierarchy of Needs.

csreef ...interesting that you bring Maslow and his model of self actualization in to the "need to be out". What are you suggesting for those of us who take a political stand to say that we do not need to be out and public about our sexuality to feel self actualized? We understand ourselves and hold the society up to develop so that a person's sexuality should not matter to anyone else unless they want to enter our world of bisexuality.

A person's sexuality should not matter when it comes to acceptance and tolerance. If you feel an unfulfilled need to tell others your sexuality, ok. Why not examine your need to go around informing others? What is the significance of doing so? If you feel a need to do this, ok. Don't forget to speak out when you see or experience Bi Erasure in society and Biphobia. If you do not feel a need to express your sexuality to others doesn't mean that person can not be self actualized.

I recall that Maslow or some of his followers stated very few of us become completely self actualized...people like Budhha, Christ, were pointed out as self actualized.

[donttellnehismy]

I don't advertise my bisexuality. I keep it on a need to know basis.

[pole_smoker]

csreef ...interesting that you bring Maslow and his model of self actualization in to the "need to be out". What are you suggesting for those of us who take a political stand to say that we do not need to be out and public about our sexuality to feel self actualized? We understand ourselves and hold the society up to develop so that a person's sexuality should not matter to anyone else unless they want to enter our world of bisexuality.

A person's sexuality should not matter when it comes to acceptance and tolerance. If you feel an unfulfilled need to tell others your sexuality, ok. Why not examine your need to go around informing others? What is the significance of doing so? If you feel a need to do this, ok. Don't forget to speak out when you see or experience Bi Erasure in society and Biphobia. If you do not feel a need to express your sexuality to others doesn't mean that person can not be self actualized.

I recall that Maslow or some of his followers stated very few of us become completely self actualized...people like Budhha, Christ, were pointed out as self actualized.
What political stand? Tenni, you're just closeted and ashamed/embarrassed to be out as bisexual. :rolleyes:

As I posted before you can claim you're a bisexual activist, political activist, claim to speak out against biphobia/bisexual erasure, etc. but you're just a deeply closeted troll Jim Riley. ;) :rolleyes:

[carolinabi]

so what i'm seeing here, is that someone who wraps their entire identity in their sexuality the need to inform everyone of their preference is stronger than those that choose to see their bisexuality as just a small part of the total identity package.

[bigbob1962]

I don't See a reason everyone needs to know about your sex life. But if you have a wife and you are hiding it from her I think that is wrong. You chose to spend your life with her and something as big as being bi is not a good thing to hide . I told my wife long before we tied the not. We had a lot of fun dong things together. Man up tell her the truth she would rather hear it from you than hear it from someone else

[carolinabi]

I don't See a reason everyone needs to know about your sex life. But if you have a wife and you are hiding it from her I think that is wrong. You chose to spend your life with her and something as big as being bi is not a good thing to hide . I told my wife long before we tied the not. We had a lot of fun dong things together. Man up tell her the truth she would rather hear it from you than hear it from someone else

Quoted for truth, I told mine when we decided to become exclusive, now I don't have to hide it from her... nobody else's business.

[bigbob1962]

Amen
thanks for take to answer

[pole_smoker]

so what i'm seeing here, is that someone who wraps their entire identity in their sexuality the need to inform everyone of their preference is stronger than those that choose to see their bisexuality as just a small part of the total identity package.

The two are not mutually exclusive. The majority of people who are out as bisexual, gay, or lesbian do not wrap up our entire identity in our sexuality, and view being bisexual, gay, or lesbian as a small part of who we are as whole people. Only people who are what I call professional bisexuals, or professional lesbian/gay people are the type that wrap up their entire identity in their sexuality and make a profession out of this.

The people who are deeply closeted like Tenni or Jim Riley is are the type that do not tell anyone even a partner/spouse, or even other bisexual and gay/lesbian, or heterosexual people who they meet that they're bisexual out of fear, internalized biphobia/homophobia, and self loathing about being bisexual or something other than heterosexual.

[tenni]

When a person claims to be "out" makes up a fake name to post on the internet, they are not out at all. They are hiding behind a fake name.

[carolinabi]

Amen
thanks for take to answer

not a problem, my first wife would have been a no-go with it for sure, but then i didn't really fully realize what i was until we had been married for a few years. we pretty much had an open marriage, i just didn't inform her of the bi part. my second and current wife i decided to lay it all out from the beginning, she was cool with it and we have even played together with a guy.

[2bi2Bboring]

I'm out because I was raped, it happened long ago. I trusted people I shouldn't have. I put myself at risk and paid the price for it. I've stopped caring about who knows and who doesn't. I broke my givafuq bone and outed the fucks that did it. Forced sex is rape, and nonconsensual sex is rape. When you're drunk and wake up handcuffed to a bed that's rape.

[coyotedude]

Interesting thread.

I can't tell you that "coming out" (if you want to call it that) is good or bad. It's a personal decision; what makes sense for one person is complete folly for another. I can tell you why I have become more open about my bisexuality with family, friends, and community. But I won't judge you for wanting to keep it private.

Five years ago, I felt as you do that my sexuality was no one's business but my own. As I've grown more comfortable with my sexuality, however, I realized that my family and friends couldn't know and support me without knowing about this piece of my life. By hiding who I was from them, I began to feel that I was living a lie. Why shouldn't they know I'm bi? Why should I be ashamed of it? Why should I be afraid?

Now, those questions are easier to say than to act on! I'm not yet comfortable enough to post a general announcement on my Facebook account, for example. But I expect that will come in time. And if my friends disapprove, then perhaps they really weren't true friends after all. In the meantime, my wife and children know, as do my mother and sisters. Many of my friends know, as do some of my coworkers and customers. And more and more people in my community know as I've become less inclined to keep my sexuality a secret.

Again, my answers are not and shouldn't be your answers. The opposite is true as well. I have my reasons for living my life as I do. You asked the question; I gave the most honest reply I knew how to give. What you do with my feedback is entirely up to you.

[tenni]

Well written Coyotedude.

The question that comes to my mind about people supporting you is what type of support do you need?

If the support is along the line of acceptance, acceptance that you are attracted to both genders what would you like them to do?

[sysper]

sounds like a very good way, don't go around telling everyone only that about urself, but let it come naturally if the subject comes up. if someone doesn't like it it's there problem they gotta work on it. it sounds like ur at peace with ur sexuality & u accept it, that's very good! but not everyone is. that's probably the key right there. it becomes more clear how "out" u should be.
Interesting thread.

I can't tell you that "coming out" (if you want to call it that) is good or bad. It's a personal decision; what makes sense for one person is complete folly for another. I can tell you why I have become more open about my bisexuality with family, friends, and community. But I won't judge you for wanting to keep it private.

Five years ago, I felt as you do that my sexuality was no one's business but my own. As I've grown more comfortable with my sexuality, however, I realized that my family and friends couldn't know and support me without knowing about this piece of my life. By hiding who I was from them, I began to feel that I was living a lie. Why shouldn't they know I'm bi? Why should I be ashamed of it? Why should I be afraid?

Now, those questions are easier to say than to act on! I'm not yet comfortable enough to post a general announcement on my Facebook account, for example. But I expect that will come in time. And if my friends disapprove, then perhaps they really weren't true friends after all. In the meantime, my wife and children know, as do my mother and sisters. Many of my friends know, as do some of my coworkers and customers. And more and more people in my community know as I've become less inclined to keep my sexuality a secret.

Again, my answers are not and shouldn't be your answers. The opposite is true as well. I have my reasons for living my life as I do. You asked the question; I gave the most honest reply I knew how to give. What you do with my feedback is entirely up to you.

[pole_smoker]

When a person claims to be "out" makes up a fake name to post on the internet, they are not out at all. They are hiding behind a fake name.
Yes you certainly have made up a fake name to post online Jim Riley. :rolleyes: ;) :smiles15

http://i.imgur.com/Ihl6cZE.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/A2Y9sfy.jpg

I don't post my real name on here because I have had trolls and crazy people like you that like to stalk and harass my husband and I on this site.

[Christopher South]

SO, I am...

bisexual
have cancer
broke financially
have anal sex with my wife
have seen therapists
have seen marriage counselors
worry about my kids to the point of sleepless nights
have difficulty maintaining an erection without medication

I choose not to "out" myself on any of these subjects. They are personal. They remain between me, my wife and therapists. My siblings, boss, co-workers and neighbors don't need to know any of them.

[darkeyes]

Poley..u are such a prick... but then everyone knows that...

[jem_is_bi]

Poley..u are such a prick... but then everyone knows that...

That is another good reason for him to not use his real name.