Monogamy!?!

[Herbwoman39]

I'll ask your indulgence in advance as it's almost 2:30 am here and this is probably going to be a long, rambling post but I HAVE to talk to someone about this and this is the only place I can turn where I know i'll be understood.

As many of you already know I'm still fairly new to my bisexuality, having only been out to myself for 19 months. I'm also firm in my commitment to remain monogamous with my husband. I'm also physically a bisexual virgin beyond kissing and petting, which makes monogamy a bit more difficult because there is that part of me that wants to try more and I feel I have to squelch that part so that I don't hurt my husband.

I'm out to my husband (Lord Gme here on the site) and he has been very supportive of the internal exploration of my sexuality. We have had a good number of discussions about the possibility of my physical exploration but we keep running into road blocks.

He's never been the type to have recreational sex and is afraid if we have a threesome that he will start having feelings for the woman we are with. It would also be completely unfair to say that I can play and he can't. And I'm not secure enough in myself to allow for an open marriage. I'd be afraid that someone else coud do something for him that I just can't live up to.

So again, we're stuck.

Which brings me to my dilema. I have met some wonderful ladies here and I have been very flattered by their attentions. I'm just ready to tear my hair out in frustration because every time someone instigates intimacy I have to stop them. Then I have to explain that I'm monogamous and yes I'd like to do more but I don't want to hurt my husband by being unfaithful.

I keep hearing that one day I'm going to have to act on what I'm feeling and yes I want to but not at the cost of my marriage. I'm so SICK of hearing that one day I'm going to have to do something that I just want to SCREAM!

I'm sitting here in tears because I'm so frustrated. I just don't know what to do.

Can I get a little advice and support please?

Thanks in advance. I just want to let you all know that I think of you as my family and I know that I can count on you all.

[jedinudist]

I hear ya.

My first bit of advice?... There's no need to let yourself get so upset and frustrated that it brings you to tears. I've been down that road, and it is a path to nowhere. Believe me when I tell you that I do understand how upsetting, scary, frustrating, painful, and confusing this can be.

I have always had an attraction to both sexes, and even admitted to my wife very early on in our courtship that I had been sexually active with both genders. As most of my friends here can tell you, I still refused to admit to myself that I am bisexual until my wife helped me understand and accept it. I came out to myself a little while ago, and out to the world in June of this year.

I Love my wife so much that it is beyond my own understanding. I have tried for 10 years to find the words to express the depth and breadth of my feelings for her and can not. And anyone who knows me will tell you I have a gift with words.

My wife has told me that it is perfectly fine for me to find a boyfriend. She trusts me to be careful and safe, and not to put myself or her in jeapordy. However, we are not interested in a threesome either.

In your relationship, who is the one that feels it would not be fair for you to try having a girlfriend while your heterosexual (?) husband reamins faithful to you? I'm not condemming that determination, just asking, because my wife and I have had many a long and detailed soul to soul talk about my sexuality and my need to be sexual with another guy.

I won't bore you with all that we talked about and went through because it took us years and we arrived at the following in a natural manner- without either of us steering towards it, but I will tell you where we arrived as a result.

My wife told me that she knows that I Love her. She knows that I am in Love with her. She told me she realized that what I am craving is simply sex on a friendship level and not love such as we share with one another. Not anonymous sex, not "hook-ups", but a regular real friend with the occasional "benefits" of being able to relieve my craving for sexual contact with guys. Thus, she sees my becoming friends with another guy and having safe sex with him not as being unfaithful, but as simply fulfilling a craving that will not go away and is at times very disruptive in my life because I have not fulfilled it for so long.

She does see it as fair, because she loves me and understands that this is a part of who I am. A part that I did actively pursue for years before we met, and then tried to contain and supress after we started courting. She is not interested in other men, and she is not bisexual, and thus is not intersted in other women either. But she does understand that I am bisexual and that I have been fighting this for a long time without being able to make it go away. (Very stupid of me to think I could do something like that, but I didn't want that to be a part of me anymore after I had found my soul-mate).

Having said that, now I am the one who is more scared and hesitant about the whole idea of finding a boyfirend, although she is perfectly fine with it.

Take your frustration to your husband, but don't take it out on him. Ask him for his advice on how you can cope with this. What is he ok with, what is not acceptable, and talk to him. That is the first step. Ask him that since a threesome is not something he is comfortable with, does he have any suggestions on how you might be able to pursue this part of yourself in a way that is acceptable to him and that will not harm your relationship with each other.

We're here for you. Anytime you need us, just holler and we'll be right here.

Good luck! Be honest with yourself, and honest with your husband, and if prudent, please let us know how this step turns out.

Blessed Be~

[innaminka]

I'm sitting here in tears because I'm so frustrated. I just don't know what to do.

Can I get a little advice and support please?


A very serious situation really. I feel for you as yes, I was there, in almost the exact situation.

Belive me, you have our best wishes and moral support, but I do feel you are going to have to become pro-active and face your situation, because what is happening, one day, just might actually make you scream - or worse.

No one can really give you the "correct" advice, because each person's situation is different. But I think it may be time for another long chat with your husband and tell him just how you're not really coping.

Personally, I feel you will not be mentally at peace until you do.

[neveen]

not sure if my 2 cents will be beneficial, but thought i'd share them w/ ya just in case something is useful to u...
...i'm a monogomous bi, and what that means to me is i am capable of falling in love w/ and being attracted sexually to both men and women, but once w/ a man or a woman i do not have a desire to find one of the other sex. it just means, hey who's ever lucky enough to snag this gal will not be based on gender. i wouldn't want to be allowed to date women (or simply sleep w/ them) when involved w/ a man, because to my monogomous heart that is cheating and wouldn't make me feel good at all. i'd keep my lesbian friends always because i need to related emotionally to women and they provide that for me. if i were w/ a woman long-term...well, i wouldn't have guy friends to relate to emotionally because they usually can't, maybe gay dood friends...but i wouldn't have a need to have casual sex w/ a man if i were commited to her. but, that's just me and how my sexuality works, don't have to have em both at the same time, just open to anyone who steels my heart. i will say that porn, and masterbating r good relases when u r craving the other sex ur not having :tong:
ciao lass, and good luck :)

[anne27]

No one can tell you what's right for you. Ignore everything but your heart. The place due south of it will lead you astray ;) .

I am one of the lucky ones who's husbands are supportive of their bisexual relationships. I thank the gods for him everyday. I think it's easier for him to understand the need since he too is bisexual. However, he doesn't seek it outside of our relationship; says he doesn't have the need to the same degree I do. But if he decided tomorrow that my being with another woman caused harm to our marriage, I would not cheat on him nor go behind his back to ease my demons. It would hurt and I'd be miserable, but marriage is not something I feel should be taken lightly. It took us years to get where we are today.

My advice to you is to keep an open line of communication with your hubby. He needs to know how you feel and what you think. Talk, talk and talk some more. There are no easy answers in this, HW.

But above all, don't let other people tell you what you are supposed to do. :2cents:

*HUGS*

[Herbwoman39]

(((((((((((((((All)))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for your kind responses :) I'm not looking forward to this conversation with hubby. He's been in Orlando all weekend at a convention vending for us by himself because I've been sick this weekend so when he gets home I know he's going to be exhaused and wrung out already.

I'm just going to have to wait a day or two until he's recovered so that we're both on equal footing for this talk.

Jedi: As for the 'not fair' aspect, it was his feeling initially and I agree. I'm one who believes in balance and equity. I was raised with old fashioned "Christian" values so I'm still working my way out of other people's ideas of what is right for my life. Kinda sucks that I'm STILL doing that at 39.

He knows that I love him and I've told him REPEATEDLY that I'm not going anywhere, which is why this is particularly difficult because maybe that wasn't true after all.

I'll know more after we've talked. I don't want to get worked up again now, so I'm just going to tell you all thank you again :-)

[jedinudist]

No one can tell you what's right for you. Ignore everything but your heart. The place due south of it will lead you astray ;) .

I am one of the lucky ones who's husbands are supportive of their bisexual relationships. I thank the gods for him everyday. I think it's easier for him to understand the need since he too is bisexual. However, he doesn't seek it outside of our relationship; says he doesn't have the need to the same degree I do. But if he decided tomorrow that my being with another woman caused harm to our marriage, I would not cheat on him nor go behind his back to ease my demons. It would hurt and I'd be miserable, but marriage is not something I feel should be taken lightly. It took us years to get where we are today.

My advice to you is to keep an open line of communication with your hubby. He needs to know how you feel and what you think. Talk, talk and talk some more. There are no easy answers in this, HW.

But above all, don't let other people tell you what you are supposed to do. :2cents:

*HUGS*

I didn't cover this in my response, but I agree totally. If my wife decided that she was not totally comfortable with my having a boyfriend, it would stop right then and there, period. (of course, it hasn't even started yet - lol)

Our marriage is far too valuable to cast it aside to satisfy my cravings to be with another guy. And like anne27 said, yes, I might be miserable again on that particular front if I had to stop pursuing it, but it pales in comparison to how important my wife and our relationship is.

Good luck to you. I can understand how working your way out of the old fashioned "christian" values can take a while, I was raised in the orthadox Nazarene church (basically, everyone is going to hell is what they taught us) and it still haunts me to this day. Working your way out of other people's ideas of what is right for your life can sometimes be a slow process. Take it at your own pace.

As for the fairness, I also understand that and commend you for sticking with it. Each realtionship is as different as the two people it involves. Just because my wife thinks it's ok and fair for me to attend to this part of me, does not mean that everyone else should feel the same about their partners in their relationships. I do hope you know I was not passing any sort of judgement in the matter :) .

[Reprob8]

Wow, subtract he for she, husband for wife and this describes my situation, I have not met anyone that I am intrested in but the feelings and urges are almost and obsession. Best of luck Herbwoman and I hope we both find our answers.

When I talked to my family therapist I told her taht I could keep a hat on my feelings, her response was "you just go ahead and believe that"

[Herbwoman39]

I do hope you know I was not passing any sort of judgement in the matter :) .

Oh believe me, I see clearly that there is no judgement in this. Not from you or anyone else.

I *do* need to talk to hubby but when it comes down to it, last night I was weak. That weakness helped me to realize that there does need to be discussion because regardless of my commitment to monogamy, there is obviously something else going on.

My relationship with hubby IS more important to me than anything else in this world. We've just evidently got something to work through. <sigh>

[Aleksandra]

My relationship with hubby IS more important to me than anything else in this world. We've just evidently got something to work through. <sigh>

Herbwoman, i know what you mean when you say that your relationship is more important than anything else, but i wonder what happend with You on individual level.
It's a crime to sacrifice your own real nature because of your relationship.
Also, if you chill out, and accept the terms of fear, thinking, doubting, if you put ONLY your relationship with him on first place it may manifest on negative way right into your own relation with him. It may cause problems, doubts, more and more thinking without any results.

Simply do it, try to make physical contact with someone else, and then you can see all things in much clear way.

If you two really love each other, there is no fear that he may feel any kind of emotions for other woman that you may have sex.

Just simply DO IT. You have all my suport.

[Mrs.F]

When I talked to my family therapist I told her taht I could keep a hat on my feelings, her response was "you just go ahead and believe that"


Was that suppose to mean that there was no way that you could keep a hat on your feelings or that as long as you believe you can keep it all inside you will be fine???
Was not sure if I was reading that the way your meant it. :rolleyes:

[Reprob8]

Was that suppose to mean that there was no way that you could keep a hat on your feelings or that as long as you believe you can keep it all inside you will be fine???
Was not sure if I was reading that the way your meant it. :rolleyes:


She advised against trying to keep it inside, and correctly predicted that I would have the very issues we are discussing today.

[the sacred night]

I am in that situation as well, only I'm engaged and not married. This may not happen with you and your husband, but I find that with my fiancee, every time we talk about it he gets more open (and enthusiastic!) about the idea of a threesome, although he probably will never want a completely open marriage, and I don't know that I would, either. Sometimes it just takes talking and thinking about it for a long time to get comfortable with the idea, but just make sure no one is pressuring anyone. And if anyone ever says you *have* to do anything, they're probably full of it :bigrin: Only you know what is right for you, and if you choose to be totally monogamous, that is fine and there is no law saying you have to have sex with a woman if you choose not to. Just listen to your own heart and body and they will tell you if it is genuinely a need for you or if monogamy is right for you.

[K_Djzivkovic]

I totally agree w/sacred on this!

[Herbwoman39]

Well, we've talked.
This just confirms for me that I'm married to one of the most amazing people on the planet.
There was no yelling or arguing. The only tears that were shed were mine because I was just so frightened.
All he did was hold me while I cried and said softly "I'm not ready to share you, yet." :-)

How can I do anything other than keep loving such a wondeful human being?

I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful friends here AND a kind, caring husband.

These issues aren't solved yet, but now we both know where I'm at and there is possibly room for change at a later date. We're just going to have to take our time and keep talking.