What's going on with my friendship?

[Cathy]

Hello, here is a situation which I'd love to get feedback on...it has confused me for a while. I have a close friend, I'm very attracted to her, and recently told me I'm her best friend. We're mid thirties, I'm married, she's separated. We've been friends for a few years. We're in contact everyday by e-mail, MSN, whatever. See each other 1-2 times per week. She knows I'm bi. We've had several sexual experiences, but she insists she's hetero, and gets a bit defensive about it. She won't make eye contact with during sexual situations, and holds back by not "giving" much, and ending things abruptly. She enjoys the way I please her. When we dance, she is intimate, putting on a show for others. Is it all a game for guys watching? She talks about men all the time, always seeking the perfect one, then when she dates, meets someone new and then seeks some involvement from me to join them...my guy and I are very happy, open-minded, so she has asked me to join her. While she says she is not into women, how can this all happen? What to think? Can she truly not be attracted to me but enjoy sex??

[Rhuth]

I think the most telling thing is that she is voicing that she is heterosexual. Then the lack of eye contact, and only receiving suggests to me that she is imagining you are a man in order to get off from your sexual acts with her, but that is just an assumption.

Certainly in trying to impress a new boyfriend and make herself memorable, showing that she can bring another girl to his bed can be a strategy that not all girls can do!

Do you feel toyed with or used? Do you need to have a heart to heart about her not doing physical things if she does not have the emotion behind it?

Or maybe you are okay with the occasional physical romp as long as she makes her emotional motives clear before she starts. "Hey, is it okay if I start falling all over you in order to attract attention from that guy over there?" "It's been too long since I've had any. Can I please pretend you are a man for a bit?"

If she is defensive about being heterosexual, then suggesting this might be easier than suggesting she stop altogether. Having to stop and voice the fact that an action you are about to take is using the person makes one stop and rethink the fairness of it.

[kinsey_3]

The point made above, that the ability to bring another girl to the guy's bed is a strategy for keeping him, that is I think very perceptive. Why settle for one girl when you can get two? It's a very guy thing.

Plus, it's a heterosexual cliche, but still true, that straight guys dig girls together. Hell, I'm bisexual, and I dig girls together. The trouble is, your female friend also digs girls together, but she won't admit it.

She doesn't make eye contact, because she's trying not to think about what she's doing. Every time she does, she flies into the brick wall of the fact that she is sexually attracted to you but has this professed heterosexual identity.

It's a lot of BS - trust me, from someone who used to beat himself up about not "really" being bi. She's in a hurting place, but it won't get any better until she realises she is bi herself: she maybe has a male gender bias, but that's hardly unusual, is it?

[Cathy]

thanks to both of your your insights. Very good points indeed. I think we are both clear that we are in for a good physical romp, yet why do it if she is not bi? don't get it. I would love to think that my friend is truly bi, and can't admit it, as she enjoys my touch so much. At some point though, I must ask myself, "am I being used by a hetero friend, and I should expect more, that is a lover to touch me the same way?" By the way, I should note that she is all over me in a threesome with a man, and recently had oral with me. In fact, she will spend as much time with me in a threesome as with a man. I called her on this recently, and she just laughed nervously and changed the topic. She says, I don't mind doing more when a man is there with us, but just not alone with you. Huh?? Which begs the same question, is it all a "show" for the man? Seems a great length to go down on a woman just to please a man if you're truly not into it! She said the other day a comment that stuck with me...threesomes are great, because you can avoid the intimacy that you find with two people. ...which leads me to believe that there is a fear of intimacy with me. OK I'm blabbing away at this point, but truly appreciate your comments! Thanks for taking the time to respond.

[AnotherVoice]

She seems to be quite insecure for whatever reason. I wonder what her relationships with men are like? It's difficult to understand, being that we don't know her on a personal level. Maybe she is bi. It would seem like she's lying to herself.. the more she SAYS she's hetero, the more it must be true right? And the fact that she's being defensive .. ?

Here's another perspective:

Maybe she's with you to learn the skills she needs in order to turn her man on when she brings you into their threesome. Maybe she feels that in order to turn a man on (and keep him) is to bring another woman into the bedroom scene. Who best to do it with then her bi best friend?

It makes me wonder why she was seperated from her husband; how emotionally connected they were and if that was the bases of their separation. What brought her to the point where she's having sex with women in order to please a man? Regardless of the answer, she's in need counselling to sort it all out. She needs to come to terms as to why she's making the choices that she is.

Good luck.

[PeterH]

Hi Cathy,

it all sounds like a difficult situation that is difficult to understand unless the two of you talk about it more.
If I understand things correctly, she likes to get involved physically, but not emotionally, she avoids eyecontact and things like that.
I think she finds the situation very confusing, and may be telling herself that it's just physical.
My own biased opinion says that things are never just physical, because emotions are always there. The question is: what kind of emotions are there. If she's bi, maybe she's avoiding that. Maybe she really is straight, but prefers to get physical with you, because she's had some bad experiences with men. Maybe it's something else. I think for your own feeling of wellbeing, and hers to, it's worthwile finding out which is which. And most importantly: what do you expect from all this?
I wish you the best of luck with all this,

PeterH

[Cathy]

Hi Cathy,

it all sounds like a difficult situation that is difficult to understand unless the two of you talk about it more.
If I understand things correctly, she likes to get involved physically, but not emotionally, she avoids eyecontact and things like that.
I think she finds the situation very confusing, and may be telling herself that it's just physical.
My own biased opinion says that things are never just physical, because emotions are always there. The question is: what kind of emotions are there. If she's bi, maybe she's avoiding that. Maybe she really is straight, but prefers to get physical with you, because she's had some bad experiences with men. Maybe it's something else. I think for your own feeling of wellbeing, and hers to, it's worthwile finding out which is which. And most importantly: what do you expect from all this?
I wish you the best of luck with all this,

PeterH
Hey Peter, thanks for your points! She's made it clear to me that it's just physical...but she's straight so can't necessarily "give" as much as me. That's the terms I suppose to protect her sexual self-identity I think. I think that's what bothers me. Why take and not give? To be honest, it's a bit more emotional for me, but I'm happy to be girlfriends having physical fun together. I do love her as a best friend; these things are always a bit deep and complicated. Life is like that. It's always fun regardless, but leaves me feeling like I have a lover that rolls over and falls asleep...pretends it didn't happen in the morning. To compare, I have another close friend, moved away now, who I was involved with (with my husband) for the past year. Everything clear, open, giving and fair. Very hot, and lots of fun times. We would do it again in a heartbeat when she returns to town. We have a special friendship that has never confused me. Always clear and open. At the end of the day, it's a lack of respect I think to take "love" and affection from someone, and not give back unless it suits your motive ie) doing it for a man when he's around...BUT quesiton remains: how can a woman have sex with a woman if she's not BI? And isn't an orgasm an emotional response for a woman? There's a question! I can't come unless I'm quite turned on by the person. Otherwise, I just couldn't touch a person unless I wanted them on some emotional and/or physical level. OK, just digressing now...thanks again Peter.