I NEED ADVICE ....

[TianaMarie]

Hi , I'm very emotional right now. I'm 20 years old (female) and i just found out some news about my boyfriend.
Me and "Tom" have been dating for 6 months i love him dearly. Today i was on Facebook looking at some of his older post because i miss him. Tom is in another state right now with his mom who is sick, he comes home in 3days. Well under one old photo of him was a transgender male, she commented "i miss you." Me being curious decided to message her. We ended up exchanging phone numbers and i basically found out my boyfriend was in a sexual relationship with the transgender male. Tom doesn't know i know this. I don't even know how to approach him or the situation. This took my by surprise because Tom acts so homophobic i have a gay guy Bestfriend! And tom acts" like he hates him because he is gay(when he really just wants to be with him) lol . But Me on the other hand i love everyone. Do i have a problem with the fact that he is bi no, i just need advice on how to come to him with the information i learned. I want him to be honest , and to know im not judging him hey i like D**K too lol (ps im trying to laugh to keep from crying) please help me guys

[elmwood7]

I would say just be honest with him and explain to him how you found out just like you did to us. Honest, open communication is always best.

[tenni]

Hi
I agree with elmwood. Sorry, I find your post a bit confusing. I would suggest that you calm yourself down before getting in to a conversation with him. Organize your thoughts. You are upset and if he is in another city taking care of his il mother, he may be upset easily if you throw any heavy accusations.


If the person is a male to female transexual and they have been in a sexual relationship will he has been seeing you, you have some decisions to make about whether you are open to remaining in a relationship with him.

[Hypersexual11]

If you would like to keep the relationship, and it sounds like you lean this way, be careful. Being found out is probably his biggest fear. I find it strange that a homophobic person would have such incriminating stuff on facebook but there it is. I wonder if he was hoping you would see it.
I'm sure he would like to be out, to someone. If your relationship is actually going somewhere, then you may be that person. You guys are young, 6 months is barely starting a relationship. He may never be open about this with you. That said:

How this is brought up is of the utmost importance because he will instinctively get super defensive. I honestly don't think any kind of sit down 'talk' is the answer. I think he needs to bring this up with you, without direct prodding. Pillow talk is very effective. Tell him you are sad he hates homos so much because you have always felt 2 men having sex was really hot and that sometimes you watch gay porn and get really turned on. Bring up fantasies during sex, very light. "I'd love to watch a man grab your cock and put it in my pussy". See the direction. It will take time but if done wrong, will always be a friction point. It took my wife 30 years to talk me into letting her fuck me with a strap on. Mainly because of the way she always brought it up, it was a turn off for me. Make it sexy for you, he'll start to see it as sexy for him.

[Dunmor]

have a honest open discussion

[TianaMarie]

Thank you so much

[TianaMarie]

Thanks, thats what im going to do.

[Neonaught]

I agree. Discuss it openly....AFTER you apologize for violating his privacy by snooping on FB.

[elian]

Does it surprise you that he had a past relationship with a female or at least someone who wanted to be female in every way she could? I am assuming they are no longer in a relationship.. There are all sorts of types of attraction.. Platonic, romantic, physical.. At that time in his life he may have experimented or had different needs. I guess you need to have a discussion.. He could be trying to hide it or maybe not... A lot of men feel shame, guilt or fear..

[elian]

The desires, drives and emotions that revolve around sex, love and relationships are very strong, sometimes scary and they don't come with an instruction manual so personally I would prefer a partner who has experimented at least a little so that they can discern what they like and don't like. It's no guarantee, but I think a partner who has had at least some experience (if they are being honest with themselves) is less likely to wake up one day and decide out of the blue that they have an unfulfilled relationship. Your boyfriend may have picked you (whether he knows it consciously or not) precisely because you /are/ less judgemental. I think the biggest difference between boys and girls is that it's a little easier for boys to write their name in the snow (I have to say that because it looks like I have at least 8 inches on the ground outside my window right now). There are also a lot of insecure males who were told that they need to "be a man" without exactly being told what that means. It's a process of discovery over time and it ain't the flat two dimensional fake stuff they show on TV (I pick things up and put them down!) Right now, at this moment in time you have chosen to try to help and support each other in your growth - it isn't always going to be easy, things might change but it is a sign of great respect if both can and are willing to try. Of course you have needs too, and you'll have to decide what you can and can not support for yourself but I am always optimistic when love is involved that people will grow in a positive way. People say, "I was born this way and can't change". I do believe that people are born with certain innate traits, predispositions based on nature, environment and experience in our early years.. I don't think those things change over time, but as we grow, learn and age what we think we need out of a relationship may change.

[BiNavyguy2004]

Yes be honest and open and non judgemental. Society does not really support bi males as most are seen as a phase.

[Ropa_Opcional]

Rent/buy a couple tranny pornos and have him "catch" you watching them. Ask him if he would ever have sex with one because you think it would be "hot." Then if he opens up a bit you can spring the news about what you found.

[void()]

Hi , I'm very emotional right now. I'm 20 years old (female) and i just found out some news about my boyfriend.
Me and "Tom" have been dating for 6 months i love him dearly. Today i was on Facebook looking at some of his older post because i miss him. Tom is in another state right now with his mom who is sick, he comes home in 3days. Well under one old photo of him was a transgender male, she commented "i miss you." Me being curious decided to message her. We ended up exchanging phone numbers and i basically found out my boyfriend was in a sexual relationship with the transgender male. Tom doesn't know i know this. I don't even know how to approach him or the situation. This took my by surprise because Tom acts so homophobic i have a gay guy Bestfriend! And tom acts" like he hates him because he is gay(when he really just wants to be with him) lol . But Me on the other hand i love everyone. Do i have a problem with the fact that he is bi no, i just need advice on how to come to him with the information i learned. I want him to be honest , and to know im not judging him hey i like D**K too lol (ps im trying to laugh to keep from crying) please help me guys

This theme keeps appearing on this site. It happens enough so, one may
think some form of provocation lies behind the repetition. Or, it may
possibly be scripted for what someone considers entertainment. I'm
neither provoked nor entertained.

Further, I see no way to offer help, advice. If posts like this keep
repeating to provoke others, well, I see no point being enraged over
such incidents.

Facebook and many other social media sites, are freely accessible
by anyone in the public fora. Your alleged intrusion, I cannot see it
as an intrusion, what with everything open.

As to your alleged desire for him to be honest. Well, there again you
and all the public may access his social media. If he were trying to
be deceptive, it seems he would not have put what's desired hidden
into public view. Gee, seems he's honest to a fault with you.

So, I cannot help, or advise. Common sense and simple
critical thinking reveal why not. Hopefully, it also dulls any
entertainment value.

[void()]

This theme keeps appearing on this site. It happens enough so, one may
think some form of provocation lies behind the repetition. Or, it may
possibly be scripted for what someone considers entertainment. I'm
neither provoked nor entertained.

Further, I see no way to offer help, advice. If posts like this keep
repeating to provoke others, well, I see no point being enraged over
such incidents.

Facebook and many other social media sites, are freely accessible
by anyone in the public fora. Your alleged intrusion, I cannot see it
as an intrusion, what with everything open.

As to your alleged desire for him to be honest. Well, there again you
and all the public may access his social media. If he were trying to
be deceptive, it seems he would not have put what's desired hidden
into public view. Gee, seems he's honest to a fault with you.

So, I cannot help, or advise. Common sense and simple
critical thinking reveal why not. Hopefully, it also dulls any
entertainment value.

Wanted to clarify this so others may comprehend.

We have A the cheating husband/boyfriend.

We have B the adoring wife/girlfriend.

We have C a publicly accessible social media site.

We have D, a former acquaintance of A.

We have E, images of A & D together in some form.

We have F, this site.

1. A posts E with D on C.

2. B finds the images on C.

3. B seems concerned that A is cheating, posts to F to ask advice, points to E on C as evidence & deception.

So, I reason out that if A was truly trying to deceive, to be covert, A would not have put E on C.
A did put E on C, ergo, A is not trying to hide anything.

I reason out as well, there's no advice anyone on F can offer B. There does not seem any deception.
So, there's no drama, no need to wonder how to approach A by B. If it's all out for everyone to see,
what deception can there be? If no deception, no reason to not communicate directly, honestly, maturely.

"Hey, you and D still a thing", B might ask calmly with no accusation involved.

"No, not really. Oh, sorry I did post E on C. D needed a copy of some of E. We were at a function", A may say and clear everything up.

Or maybe A says they are still something. B doesn't seem to care beyond the appearing deception. To me it doesn't seem there is any deception.

I may be missing something between the lines, but it seems fairly clear to me.


Apologies if my use of variables seemed to objectify too much. Rather that than mixing emotion with logic, thought, reason. Nothing malicious was intended in using variables. It simply helped the reasoner, to reason.