Need help...

[liberia]

Here's my situation- have definite interest and desire to try and do oral & bottom with a man, never can get the courage to try it out of fear of remorse. (For additional detail, check my previous posts LOL)


So I met a guy on grindr last night. We hit it off textually, I thought he was hot, he seemed chill and was pretty laid back. I drove to his place and was extremely nervous while siting in my car. I had texted waiting for a reply on where to park. Never got a reply for 20 min and assumed he had flaked on me or it was a troll or something so I left. Come to find out it was just a messaging malfunction but my courage was gone and its a decent drive back.

After leaving I was both disappointed but also relieved. It seemed to take me not jacking off for over a week to become horny enough and to build enough courage to act on it, but I can't seem to get over this fear. I can't explain it except the fear that I am committing some huge sin and am an abomination etc if I do something. It doesn't seem to matter that I've played with toys and jacked off to gay porn or that I'm even on this site, everything would be '1000x more bad' from an emotional standpoint if I were to act on it.


..but I really want to experience it. Everything I've read here says being with a guy is the most amazing thing ever and I want it. I want it bad.

Any advice? Thanks for reading my essay

[sysper]

about all i can say is, give it time. when i 1st started to become curious about guys i was kinda embarassed & ashamed by my new feelings. even shocked. everytime the feelings went away i thought it was just a phase & it would go away. but the feelings allways came back. i was never against gays etc but like u i thought these feelings were wrong. but over the years i have learned to accept this is a part of my sexuality, a part of who i am. there's absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to either sex, or both sexes. or acting on those attractions. i'm still learning about it, here for instance. thanks everyone!!! :) but i still got a longway to go. i haven't had an actual experiance yet. so this is only advise based on what i think not based on experiance. but i know as long as i'm safe etc. it would be just another experiance. if i like it i can keep on doing it, if i don't like it at least i would have it out of the way & move on. i can't say what will happen when im finally alone with a guy but hopefully i will feel relief i finally have the opportunity to do something i have been thinking about for years right in front of me. if ur not ready for it ur just not ready for it. don't beat urself up about it. the right guy will understand where ur coming from & accept it. whoever is impatient, they are not meant for u anyways. so do u still have contact with this guy u were gonna meet? maybe u should try again, see if there's a chance. make sure he knows of ur hesitation. he might honestly not feel comfortable with this situation. he doesn't have to be. but he can be honest about it & at least that's respectable. but if he knows more about ur struggle maybe he can tone it down a bit & work on making u feel more comfortable with the reality of the situation, the reality being having a guy right there u can be with lol. might take a few times meeting up with him before anything happens. don't ever deny ur feelings. u really wanna try, u deserve to do it. but take 1 step at a time. remember it might not be as fun as u imagine it to be. most of the things i read & most of the guys i've talked too online say it's great. but some say not so great. but i don't hear any guy regretting trying. something i gotta keep in mind for myself lol. so i encourage u & i guess myself to keep open to trying this out. even if u hate it the experiance will hopefully give u a sense of sexual freedom. feel free to private msg me here if u want.

[liberia]

Thanks for the advice. I definitely agree Ive seen nothing about people regretting trying it, which is encouraging.

I could look the guy up again and he'd be down to try again but I dont think he understands my situation. In some sense I feel as though I need a mentor and thats a tough proposition in this world, everyone seems to want everything immediately. kudos to this forum though, I definitely feel a good support system exists here (minus the trolls etc)

[bikurinpa]

Never drive to meet anyone untill can get a solid means of communication a phone number to call voice. I got burnt on no communication meets. Email laggs too long to depend on for meeting. No phone number. Not wasting my gas

[sysper]

good point i would also add meet someone in public 1st

[pepperjack]

I second much of what Sysper has said. It can be a very agonizing & lonely struggle at times. I think it involves a lot of introspection, digging deep within yourself. I went through all of this myself over a period of many years. And yes, the desires will never go away, only temporarily. So you can choose to suppress, which will lead to more of the turmoil you're feeling or you can finally give in and satisfy your curiosity. But then it's a whole new ball game. There's no guarantee that 1st time will meet your expectations. In my experience, it's been a mixture of good & bad, which is what real life tends to be about. You win some, you lose some but you deal with it on a daily basis. At the end of the day, you've got to believe in yourself, accept yourself. Good luck at the cross-roads; we all encounter them in life.

[sysper]

Thanks for the advice. I definitely agree Ive seen nothing about people regretting trying it, which is encouraging.

I could look the guy up again and he'd be down to try again but I dont think he understands my situation. In some sense I feel as though I need a mentor and thats a tough proposition in this world, everyone seems to want everything immediately. kudos to this forum though, I definitely feel a good support system exists here (minus the trolls etc)
sounds alot like my situation......i see alot of opportunities but this is kinda big deal for me.....i know i shouldn't be making such a big deal about it :P..........but still i'm gonna be very nervous i need to be with a guy who understands it's gonna be a big step from imagining how great it could be. it's a long journey i have been on i have thought about this alot. i don't wanna end it with a quick blow n'go from an uncaring selfish guy. even if it's experemental it's still sex & the other person matters. a mentor might be a good choice for me, or someone like me to explore on the same level togather, who understands the experiance goes deeper than just the orgasm.

[sysper]

I second much of what Sysper has said. It can be a very agonizing & lonely struggle at times. I think it involves a lot of introspection, digging deep within yourself. I went through all of this myself over a period of many years. And yes, the desires will never go away, only temporarily. So you can choose to suppress, which will lead to more of the turmoil you're feeling or you can finally give in and satisfy your curiosity. But then it's a whole new ball game. There's no guarantee that 1st time will meet your expectations. In my experience, it's been a mixture of good & bad, which is what real life tends to be about. You win some, you lose some but you deal with it on a daily basis. At the end of the day, you've got to believe in yourself, accept yourself. Good luck at the cross-roads; we all encounter them in life.
sounds very realistic but very encouraging thanks :)

[tenni]

libera
Had you given your phone number to this guy so that he can contact you as well?

It reads like checking about parking options is another thing to add to clarify meet up details.

I agree with those who say meet in a public place for a first meeting. If comfortable with each other you could go back to his place. You want to feel comfortable so that you don't panic with guilt afterwards.

You may also want to work on one sex act at a time for initial expectations in real time not fantasy time. Set your goal to get together with a guy to jerk off or even oral. Adding penetrative sex to first time meetings may be too much for your plate of comfort. If you meet and feel like wanting to be penetrated on a first meeting, you could change your mind. I'd suggest that you make your real time goal more modest for a first encounter. I could see you panicking if you try too much for a first time encounter.

More important is for you to work on self acceptance that you are not a bad person for wanting to have sex with another guy. When you do finally have sex, you want to feel at peace on this point or you will feel remorse and guilt. Some guys develop a behaviour pattern that makes it difficult to accept yourself and your sexuality. I know a few guys including myself that took awhile to accept themself and developed a behaviour pattern of having sex....feeling guilty and running away from same sex only to eventually wanting it again. Small steps and feeling comfortable with the guy may reduce guilt reactions.

Sorry but I'm concerned about the motives of a poster who gives advice on something that they have not yet been able to do themselves. That is another thread though.

[whistle1]

I have not acted on my curiosity, so I can't really offer any advice from personal experience. I think some of the other commenters have given some good tips.

All i can say is that you need to know what type of person you are. Can you try something and then be okay with it if things don't go well or are you the type that would regret it for the rest of your life?

As I said before, I can't speak from experince, but it seems it would be easier if you took the necessary precautions (as others have mentioned) and got to know the guy a bit first. I know that would make me feel more at ease.

Good luck.

[liberia]

Can you try something and then be okay with it if things don't go well or are you the type that would regret it for the rest of your life?


That's the thing bugging me so much, I don't know! Part of me feels it might suck forever and in other ways I think I'll wonder what I was so worried about. I remember the first time I had sex with a girl I felt the latter.

[void()]

I can understand the experience having meaning. Setting that aside though everyone faces the axiom, you don't know until you try.

Being afraid of the unknown seems a bit foolish. Not saying a person cannot be cautious. Am saying if you let it fear paralyzes you and you may as well be dead because paralyzed you won't move. No, this is not a slight at those living paralyzed. Seen quite a few who do and they embody courage.

Fear always tries subduing change. Unfortunately, or fortunately, life is change. Not embracing change is to not embrace life. It is by definition to die. I see many dead, not only on this site either, on others and off the web & Internet. Our world is indeed at a sad moment in time. Our dead seek to keep us bound up.


Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist. -- Epicurus

How then say I, our dead want us bound? Well, money is largely an irrelevant idea now. That is all it ever was at any given, an idea. It was / is an idea used to control us. In life you've those who desire control because they fear loss. They cannot accept none of us truly own anything. So they want control, in order to delude others into believing they own it all. This is where money fits into play.

And money is only a single example. There are others such as religion, politics, war/s, lies. These are the bindings used by our dead, those who fear change so much as to hide behind an illusion of control.

Then, you've people like me who live by what was once called faith. Hope may be a better term now. I hope other humans can embrace the unknown, face up to change, solve problems, accept the different. I think hope like change is immortal and eternal, like the ever present Now found in some aspects of Zen. I am hopeful, I am courageous. It is more important to me to live than to die.

I trust others will trust me and not harm me, so long as I do the same for them. This seems to work out well. No, I am not advising anyone to toss caution to the wind. I do advise though, we use moderation, even in the case of moderation.

Again, you don't know until you try, stop trying to know before then, you never will. Information, which is what is here,
is not experience ... as much as many may seek to suggest otherwise. Information can only describe experience, it can never be experience. Descriptions are only speculative ideas, abstract guesses at best.

No, this is not a cranky old man admonishing younger people kind of post. It may seem that is. Not much I may do to make it not seem that. Ultimately though, it is just a human telling any other humans who read their words, "go, live, enjoy!" Hope that translates as much as the grumpy old man version does. :)

[sysper]

as usual u have given me something to think about whether it's a little on the naughty & dirty side or something more serious. maybe this desire to experement with homosexuality is my way to embrace this change, embrace this unknown. whatever it is. it would certainly be a pretty big change from what i allways planned for my life or what society has planned for my life. going against my sexual orientation would certainly be an interesting adventure lol. maybe it would help me let go of the need to be with someone meaning a women. or at least see it from another angle. i'm sure i would have some lessons from being open to trying something new & in my mind radical. a guy who pulls his pants up & leaves after saying "suck it" to me is probably not the right kinda guy for this lol.