Thought on moving on and letting go.

[Bellonya]

Hello everybody. Those who know me, you already know my story, those who don't, I'll make a brief paragraph below. For those who know who I am, if I'm here today is because I found great comfort in this comunity (even if it's not what it used to be, and some people have decided to leave), and honestly, I guess what I need most now is the wisdom of the people who have once been where I am now.

For context, I used to have a bi boyfriend, who dealt with a lot of issues and I first came to this site to work on his bisexuality and desires for boys (I'm a girl). This site has helped me understand better his heart, his mind, and it took a lot on my part to change the way I used to view relationships. Long story short, this relationship is now over. We were together for three years, and he was my first partner, so it's has taken a hit on me. It's been almost three months and though I am better, I find it hard to completely let go my feelings, and to deal with the anger, and the feeling of having been "played".

He broke it off saying he wanted to be alone, yet he is still dating the boy he dated whilist being with me and that image of the two together, hurts. Besides, even though he promised that if something happened between us, we would remain friends, he doesn't want me in his life anymore, and I'm having a hard time coping with losing someone who is so important to me.

I'm not waiting for him to return, I accept that we are over, and that I have to move on, and I'm trying. So, maybe, that's why I came here today. I can't really talk it with my friends, they don't get the situation. It was a complicated first relationship, and it marked me, deeply. That's why, I'm here, seeking advice, on people who have stood where I stand today, and who may have some words to make this separation a little more bearable.

Thank you for your time :)

[pole_smoker]

Hello everybody. Those who know me, you already know my story, those who don't, I'll make a brief paragraph below. For those who know who I am, if I'm here today is because I found great comfort in this comunity (even if it's not what it used to be, and some people have decided to leave), and honestly, I guess what I need most now is the wisdom of the people who have once been where I am now.

For context, I used to have a bi boyfriend, who dealt with a lot of issues and I first came to this site to work on his bisexuality and desires for boys (I'm a girl). This site has helped me understand better his heart, his mind, and it took a lot on my part to change the way I used to view relationships. Long story short, this relationship is now over. We were together for three years, and he was my first partner, so it's has taken a hit on me. It's been almost three months and though I am better, I find it hard to completely let go my feelings, and to deal with the anger, and the feeling of having been "played".

He broke it off saying he wanted to be alone, yet he is still dating the boy he dated whilist being with me and that image of the two together, hurts. Besides, even though he promised that if something happened between us, we would remain friends, he doesn't want me in his life anymore, and I'm having a hard time coping with losing someone who is so important to me.

I'm not waiting for him to return, I accept that we are over, and that I have to move on, and I'm trying. So, maybe, that's why I came here today. I can't really talk it with my friends, they don't get the situation. It was a complicated first relationship, and it marked me, deeply. That's why, I'm here, seeking advice, on people who have stood where I stand today, and who may have some words to make this separation a little more bearable.

Thank you for your time :)
Good luck moving on.

[pepperjack]

Wow! I'm touched by your poignancy. You say this was your first relationship. I looked at your profile. So, you're in your early 20's? I was devastated by the loss of my high school sweetheart.:) Sent me on a downward spiral; ended up " walking on the wild side " for awhile which got me in trouble with the law. You display remarkable maturity at your age, having to deal with the complexities of having a bisexual boyfriend in your first relationship. But your profile also seems to indicate you're bisexual yourself. I would say your greatest assets right now are your youth and the aforementioned maturity I mentioned. Broken hearts do heal! Human beings are remarkably resilient. This is the type of experience that leads to wisdom later in your life. Go out & embrace all life has to offer & best of luck to you!

[tenni]

I wish you well and happiness in the future. You are an amazing young woman.

[Bellonya]

Pole: Thank you. I'll need all the luck.

Pepperjack: Thank you. Although I consider myself straight, since the attraction I have towards girls is more "oh, she's really pretty", but I don't feel desire towards them, nor enjoy kissing them. I just do it for fun, or used to do it at least. Yes, I'll be 20 on October and I'm trying hard to keep myself focused on college, my friends, and just, you know, my life. But I have so many memories that suddlenly creep into my brain, besides the other day I saw him with a girl (i don't know if he's dating her, or just having sex) but now the image keeps repeating itself, and no matter how hard I try, I can't erase it.

I could easily go into "cold" mode, and become an insensitive person, with walls so high I can't even see the sun. But I don't want that. Yet, I'm tired of crying for someone who does no longer wants me in his life...

[Bellonya]

Tenni, your words mean a lot to me. Specially since you were there in his first post, my first question, and through all of this process. I hate it had to end, but maybe it's better this way

[jem_is_bi]

When I graduated from high school the young woman I loved moved away with her family. If she had not moved, I might have been able to earn her love and be married to her all these years later. But, life goes on, it took 2 years for the pain of loss to subside, but it did. Like it or not, my fate was that a relationship with her, at 17 years of age, was not to grow into love between adults. But, life goes on. There were other women as well that a relationship did not work out for various reasons. However, I think it is often that the first love is the most intense and painful to lose. Nevertheless, life goes on. I am sure that you will find satisfying rewards in other endeavors as well as relationships that await you. Sooner or later, it is likely that you will find a friend and lover that works for you long term, likely with more deep adult love and less young fireworks love.

[Melody Dean]

I have an on again off again FWB. It's a much more casual relationship than what you went through, but I've also felt that pang of feeling that he chose a guy over me.

We share our relationship adventures with each other, and naturally, sometimes it makes us want to take things a step further. But, we're friends first, and want to remain friends, not lovers. So when he cancelled on one date with me because it didn't feel right, it wasn't entirely unexpected. But when he told me the next week that he was pursuing a guy he had been talking to, it did feel like he was choosing him over me. Even though I knew his attraction to men was different, and it was no reflection on me, it still was a hit to my ego.

Another time, when I thought we were back on again with the benefits, I helped him find a guy. The plan was for them to spend some time together, and then I would go over after the guy left. It was under the guise of a friendly visit, but I think we both knew that it could be more. Well, when the guy cancelled, and I asked to come over anyway, my friend said no. Because if I did, it wouldn't remain just a friendly visit, and he didn't want that. (Mixed signals much? Yeah, I know.)

So, we're back to being just friends again. This time, I'm saying no to it being anything else, because I can't take the roller coaster. But I know he is going to find a guy again, and I'm going to feel that rejection that he'll be with a guy and not me. But then I'll feel guilty because we're supposed to be just friends and not have those emotions in it.

And that really is the big difference. With women, for him, emotions and intimacy are involved. It can get heavy, especially when those feelings are so confusing. But with men, the guys he has been with, there are no emotions involved. Sure, he gets to know them because he wants someone he can trust. Which means he also prefers not to flit from partner to partner. But I could see how he could think of himself as being alone, even while carrying on a purely sexual relationship with a guy.

I assume your ex might be in a similar situation. Also, I have found, when guys say they want to be alone, it's because they don't want the same level of commitment that you do. Him recognizing this and leaving is probably doing you a favor. He left before the relationship got stale. Or perhaps, it was already getting stale for him. It's no reflection on you, it's just a fact of life. But that doesn't make it any easier. And your feelings are completely valid.

Personally, in situations like that, I try to do something to take my mind off of it. New hobbies (embarrassingly, for me, a new partner), a new book, Netflix binging on a tv show, something you can get involved in, or something with a new community of people, might help.

I wish you the best of luck!

[pepperjack]

Very honest and spot on Melody. But give us guys more credit in the emotion dept. We're not all that shallow. ;)

[Bellonya]

Melody, this guy used to be his bf, although I believe my ex doesn't love him truly, he says he does. Yet, it's just sex, as you said, since he doesn't want a relationship. But it's okay, I mean, sure, it hurts to know that they are together, but honestly, what hurts most is to feel so... unimportant. I was his first gf, the person who stood to his parents and talked to them when he came out, I was always there. And now, it feels like he never truly cared. That he just threw me away, and that's the hard part. That's what makes me suffer. Sure, I miss him, and everytime something exciting happens, I have this... idea, of telling him, but I know he doesn't want to talk with me.

I know what to do in terms of keeping my head distracted. But at night, when I'm lying on my bed, my head won't stop thinking. I haven't slept well in all this time, and I'm getting tired of rolling in bed, thinking about him

[pepperjack]

This is really kind of convoluted. If he's a "bf" and your ex claims to "love him," that's def a "relationship." Now you're displaying immaturity in your confusing inconsistencies. But I can still understand that, given your broken heart. Love is irrational. One thing that comes across as consistent is that he "played you, just doesn't care. " If that's truly the case, stop torturing yourself over him, welcome to The School of Hard Knocks, & do your best to move on.

[Bellonya]

He's not his bf. They used to be boyfriends, but my ex broke up with him almost a year ago. Now, they kinda... "date", and by date I mean, he goes to his house and they watch a movie and have sex. But my ex says he doesn't want a bf, and this boy knows that he cannot give him a monogamy, so they are clear that they won't be boyfriends again

And how do I do that? I mean, how do I stop the pain that it causes to think about that. (I know that the best solution is "not to think about it", but it's hard when the feeling, thought keeps popping up)

[Oztrich]

The loss of any relationship will create a grieving process for which there are no easy answers, but which does occur in pretty definite stages. You can easily look up the stages of grief online. Recognizing these stages can help you to move through them, and understand why it is you feel the way you do. To be short, however, it really and truly DOES get better. It does not last forever, though the pangs of pain might last a long time. Life has this trick of placing events and people in your path that are often surprising, and often very welcome. Don't stop looking around the corners of your life - you just might miss something. You have to remain open even though this pain right now is very real. Relationships are complex things, and you are you, not him... Keep being you... You sound like a pretty special "You" to me!

[Melody Dean]

This is my worst advice ever...

Get yourself a fuck buddy or rebound boyfriend.

Yes, I am projecting myself onto you, but here's my rationale:

Not only was he your first love, you two were in love during a very pivotal point in your lives. You will never forget him. He was a very influential part of your life, and you are not the same person now for having met him.

And yet, here he is, giving you the impression that you weren't the important part of his life that he was to you. It hurts, and feels like years worth of emotions were just wasted. I bet you feel drained, like you spent so much of your emotional reservoir on him, and it may never be refilled. It's like he owes you that much.

But that part that he's playing, of not caring, I can guarantee is bullshit. That's the image he's projecting to the world. I am willing to bet that the thought often enters his head that perhaps he's made a mistake. Is he stubborn? I wouldn't be surprised that he is, because he wants the world, and especially you, to see that he's standing by his decision. Which is why it sounds like he's pushing his ex-bf away too. In a way, he's just using him for the sex.

At this point, stop caring about him. Yes, easier said than done. If you two were to get back together, it would never be the same as it was anyway. But right now, you are on the defensive, the reactionary, to his current life choices. It's natural, and I know I still do that with some of my exes too. That damnable Facebook, I still look them up, and judge the girls on their friends list. Not because I'd ever want to be with them again, but because I want to be better than those others in some way to have made an impact on his life. I want to be unforgettable.

But perhaps it's time to go on the offensive. Certainly he's capable of jealousy too. Find yourself a guy and be very public about it. Go out on dates, especially things he wouldn't do with you, and enjoy yourself. Explore your newfound freedom. Show your ex that there is someone out there better at something than he was. Have some Nyquil sex, sex that puts you to sleep. Eventually, you will find yourself thinking about someone or something else other than your ex. And at first, you'll feel a little guilty, like you're still supposed to be thinking about him.

You've got a long way to go. It doesn't just go away overnight. But maybe you can find a way to put a positive spin on it. For me, I do that with sex. I'm also of the mind that no one is actually better at sex than someone else, but that each has their own talents. The best penetrative sex I've had was not the same guy as the best oral sex I've had. I loved the way one guy used his fingers on me, even though he couldn't get it up like the guy who was ready all the time. Men are wonderful creatures, drink them in, try a different flavor, because when your soda has gone flat (like your ex) you aren't still obligated to finish it. (Pardon my terrible metaphors.)

[Bellonya]

Oztrich: I have a really low self-esteem, but I know one thing, I am special. I know not anybody would have done what I did for him, and that makes me smile. Even if he stopped loving me, he still lost someone who loves him, and would do anything to see him smile, and that can understand him better than noone. I hope one day he sees that.

Melody, I have decided to answer you privately, but, you are correct, getting him out of my head is what's best for me, and I do have to stop seeing him a "the one", and try what the world has to offer. Thank you for your words, and believe me, it's a great advice

[Bellonya]

So, I gave the boy he is dating, my friend, my ex's clothes, so he would give them to him. He told me (my friend) that my ex was hurt because of this, and now I feel guilty. I didn't give them to him to hurt him, but they were a constant reminder of him, specially since I used to sleep with them... gosh, now I regret it...

[sysper]

if u burned ur ex' cloths 1st before giving them back to him i could see how u might feel guilty lol.......am i missing something, i don't understand how he would feel hurt by getting what is his, back. was it because u didn't give them back to him directly? usually in a breakup it's best for the 2 people to avoid each other for awhile even if it wasn't a messy breakup & they remain good friends. u gave his friend his cloths trusting he would give them back to him. u have no reason to suspect his friend of stealing his property. u did what was descent & courteous. also it's good u got rid of something that reminds u of ur ex. having them around would of only kept u in the past & prevented u from moving on. he made his choice, or perhaps it wasn't a choice for him but a conclusion. unfortunately it didn't include u. i didn't experiance what u did so i don't really know how ur feeling but i can say that really sucks! remember what u learned in ur experiance with him when ur ready to look again.

[sysper]

how ru doing?

[Bellonya]

@sysper well, I can't get him out of my head, Lol. I kinda want to send him a text, but I doubt that he wants to talk to me. I don't know. I was okay until a few days ago when my head stopped collaborating and just refuses to get him out, haha. I don't know. I know that contacting him is probably a bad idea, but I can't help thinking "what if". It's annoying loving someone...

[pole_smoker]

So, I gave the boy he is dating, my friend, my ex's clothes, so he would give them to him. He told me (my friend) that my ex was hurt because of this, and now I feel guilty. I didn't give them to him to hurt him, but they were a constant reminder of him, specially since I used to sleep with them... gosh, now I regret it...

Do not feel guilty or bad about doing this. How were you to know your ex would react this way?

Do not contact your ex since this will not do you any good, or help you to move on.

Go out with friends, or family members, and find a new guy to be friends with and date. Good luck.

[Bellonya]

@pole: easier said than done... I won't contact him. It won't do me any good, I know that. I just miss him

[sysper]

ask ursef what ur really trying to hold onto by keeping ur ex in ur thoughts. this will take a longtime.

[Bellonya]

Sysper: I can't tell you what am I trying to hold onto, because I don't know. All I know is that my feelings for him are strong, and besides that, at the very core, I also miss my friend. He knew me better than myself, and I hate not being able to talk

[sysper]

Sysper: I can't tell you what am I trying to hold onto, because I don't know. All I know is that my feelings for him are strong, and besides that, at the very core, I also miss my friend. He knew me better than myself, and I hate not being able to talk
ok fair enough. i've never really been in that kinda situation so i don't know what ur feeling exactly. i'm wondering if there's ne potential for friendship again at some point in the distant future. he couldn't quite be with u romantically but there's a friendship still. best bet is to get use to the idea he's not around for u which really sucks, but it looks like that's the only way for things to be for now. i wish i could say something better but sometimes we just have to face the reality of things, do our best to slowly start thinking in a new way.

[Plumhead2]

I hope I am not too late for this reply. Here is some advice from someone three times your age and has been through similar things too numerous times: You deserve better. Find someone else who really loves you for who you are. This guy will never give you the love and the kind of relationship that you deserve. There is a reason that you chose him in the first place. Do some counseling and find out why you got involved with someone like him (trust me, there are reasons hidden in your past that brought you to this guy). Until you understand yourself, you will have a hard time psychologically leaving him, and more importantly, a hard time finding someone who loves you. All you will do is keep making bad choices unless you come to understand why you do so.

You deserve to find someone who loves you for who you are and, equally as important, someone who will allow you to love them fully. You have a lot of love to give someone. There are many guys out there who will be a loving partner for you. Don't settle. After years of finding the wrong women, I did some counseling, came to understand why I made bad choices, and then I found someone who is the love of my life. A loving, passionate relationship is worth taking the time to find. Be brave, take control, and find love.

Good luck. Please let the wonderful people in this online community know how you are doing. We may not know you in a face-to-face way, but we do care.

[j4u42]

Many years ago I had a "first love". She was a high school sweetheart for 16 months and my world revolved around her. But it all came crashing down when she dumped me for another. Yes I was greatly heartbroken and that pain lasted quite sometime. I had since moved on, matured, dated a lot of different people and eventually ran into someone who "stuck". Well worth the wait and time.

[pole_smoker]

I hope I am not too late for this reply. Here is some advice from someone three times your age and has been through similar things too numerous times: You deserve better. Find someone else who really loves you for who you are. This guy will never give you the love and the kind of relationship that you deserve. There is a reason that you chose him in the first place. Do some counseling and find out why you got involved with someone like him (trust me, there are reasons hidden in your past that brought you to this guy). Until you understand yourself, you will have a hard time psychologically leaving him, and more importantly, a hard time finding someone who loves you. All you will do is keep making bad choices unless you come to understand why you do so.

You deserve to find someone who loves you for who you are and, equally as important, someone who will allow you to love them fully. You have a lot of love to give someone. There are many guys out there who will be a loving partner for you. Don't settle.
Agreed. The guy who is your ex Bellonya sounds like a total loser, user, and someone who is manipulative who is better off not being in a 'relationship' with anyone.

Talk to your parents, friends, or a counselor. Good luck.

[Bellonya]

@plumhead: I don't want to sound rude, but why do you think I deserve better? Or that my relationship with him wasn't loving and fulfilling? He loved me for who I am, with my flaws and all, he was the first person to listen to me talk and looked at me saying "you are so interesting", who was there when I needed him the most, and always tried to help the best way he could. He is not perfect, and a bit sellfish, I do know that, yet he always thought about me, and always cared, always respected me. I'm sorry, but I can't agree with that statement, he did love me fully. I'm not saying he is the love of my life, although it feels that way, but we had a beautiful relationship...

J4u42: sometimes I wish I could see the future just to know when will I meet that person...

@pole: I would appreciate if you didn't call him " a loser " or "manipulative", you can rest assure that he isn't. He could have done it, but never did, and I'm sorry, but I find him to be a great guy, full of potential, and insulting him just doesn't help me move on

[Fzmr9t]

Although I'm 3X your age, I do have some experience with "young love" (no, not me or mine, BTW), and removing the "BI" aspect from it, it's exactly what I've seen happen before. Intense "LOVE" followed by a sudden "change in direction" from one or both parties. It could be internal conflict within him, or external (pressure from his "boy friend" or others). I don't discount your feelings or love toward him. Just know that for whatever reason, it was meant to end. Don't dwell on it. Just know that you are an amazing person and you will find someone who loves you and nurtures you and helps you to grow into the BEST person that you can be
good luck

[j4u42]

Well Bell we cannot see the future and there are no guarantees in life of course. In a way you may think of the hurt your feeling now as a demonstration of the worthwhileness of your relationship. He is happier now and one day and many more to follow so will you be. This is just one of those painful experiences life throws at us. Your next "true" live may be a short or long time off but it will be worthwhile when it occurs. In the meantime there will be fun and frustrating moments with various relationships you will encounter from one nighters perhaps to maybe a a few that will last year's. Try to enjoy what life has to offer though. It is a short span of time.

[Plumhead2]

@plumhead: I don't want to sound rude, but why do you think I deserve better? Or that my relationship with him wasn't loving and fulfilling?

Please accept my apology if I offended you. It was not my intent. You are right: I don't know you. I only know you through your words in these posts and you sound like a very thoughtful, intelligent, and sensitive person. And I didn't mean to demean him at all. It is just that if he doesn't want you, then I thought that you deserve someone who does want you. Again, sorry if I came across in a way that offended you. Please know that I wish you the best of luck in getting through all of this.

[Bellonya]

@plum: I'm also sorry if I came of as rude. No, you didn't offend me, its just, I've heard too many times negative things against him from even my friends because they didn't know the fukk story and I also tend to defend him, don't know why. It is true what you say, I do deserve someone who treats me well, and loves me, and if he can't see who I am or what I can do for him, its his loss. It's a shame we can't even be friends, but he insists that talking to me hurts him, I wish I understood why.
Thank you for your words, and I'm sorry I was rude, I'm too sensitive sometimes...
I just wish I could stop loving him, like he stopped loving me

[pole_smoker]

@plumhead: I don't want to sound rude, but why do you think I deserve better? Or that my relationship with him wasn't loving and fulfilling? He loved me for who I am, with my flaws and all, he was the first person to listen to me talk and looked at me saying "you are so interesting", who was there when I needed him the most, and always tried to help the best way he could. He is not perfect, and a bit sellfish, I do know that, yet he always thought about me, and always cared, always respected me. I'm sorry, but I can't agree with that statement, he did love me fully. I'm not saying he is the love of my life, although it feels that way, but we had a beautiful relationship...

J4u42: sometimes I wish I could see the future just to know when will I meet that person...

@pole: I would appreciate if you didn't call him " a loser " or "manipulative", you can rest assure that he isn't. He could have done it, but never did, and I'm sorry, but I find him to be a great guy, full of potential, and insulting him just doesn't help me move on

Everyone else here can see right through your ex and we all know he is a loser, manipulate person, a user of people, and someone that is better off being single.

Your ex used you sexually or for whatever other reasons he wanted, and then moved on and dumped you.

You wrote how you have low self-esteem. Your ex knew this about you, and just used it to manipulate you as losers like your ex love to do to other people especially women who have never been in a relationship or had sex before. Eventually you will look back and see your ex for what he really truly is a cold emotionally distant person who only cares about himself, and wonder why you put yourself into a relationship with someone like your ex that hurt you so badly like he did when you had a one-sided unequal relationship with him. It is a good thing you are no longer unfortunately in a relationship with him, and this loser is incapable of being a mature adult and being friends with an ex.

You are reacting in a way that is obsessive about your ex when if the relationship between you had been that good or he had loved and cared about you, you would not be reacting this way. Get help or talk to someone, since you do deserve a better person to be in a relationship with than your vile ex who is not capable of having a friendship, let alone a relationship or loving anyone but himself.

[Bellonya]

Pole: I understand you want to help, but believe me, you have the wrong idea about him. Even if he's not perfect, he is not a bad person, and most importantly, he is not "vile". We were in a relationship for three years, nobody uses someone sexually for so long, not to mention the fact we supported each other when we needed. As much as I would like some reasons to hate him, there are not, it was simply a relationship that didn't work out. May I remind you, I was his first gf as well? I am getting help, and I am working on moving on, hence this post, but if you want further proof that he is not who you say he is, I can even give you privately his username, so you read his posts and see the person he is: a lost boy, full of fears and insecurities