Does sexuality change?

[JrzGuy3]

Does sexuality change?

This is coming up in another thread I'm active in, but I feel that since it came up as an aside and started to get more significant, and since it's a question we can probably debate forever it probably could use it's own thread. Furthermore, I think I may never have made my opinion completely clear, so I'd like to remedy this.

First of all, is sexuality rigid or fluid? I think that it's fluid, and I think that as a group many of us fall into this camp. Sexuality is something that will be different tomorrow than it was today, and is different today than it was yesterday.

But secondly, do people go back and forth between straight, bisexual and gay/lesbian? First off, this question largely depends on what we mean by it. Can we change how we label ourselves? Sure. Easily. However, I don't think this means our sexuality changes. I can wake up tomorrow and label myself African-American, does this change my race? Maybe it means who we're attracted to or actively involved with. I would disagree with this too. I think that bisexuality is more of an implication of ability to be attracted (in some way/shape/form) to both genders. By the same token, if a straight guy who's single isn't involved with anyone or attracted to any girls, is he asexual? Or is he straight, but simply not attracted to any girls at the moment?

Anyway, I'd like to get other people's opinions here. I have more thoughts but I'd like to save some for reactionary posts.

[Azrael]

Does sexuality change?

This is coming up in another thread I'm active in, but I feel that since it came up as an aside and started to get more significant, and since it's a question we can probably debate forever it probably could use it's own thread. Furthermore, I think I may never have made my opinion completely clear, so I'd like to remedy this.

First of all, is sexuality rigid or fluid? I think that it's fluid, and I think that as a group many of us fall into this camp. Sexuality is something that will be different tomorrow than it was today, and is different today than it was yesterday.
I find it fluid myself in that like my bipolar disorder, my sexuality frequently "rapid-cycles" through a myriad of inclinations. Hours, Days, Weeks sometimes. Confusing but kind of fun.


But secondly, do people go back and forth between straight, bisexual and gay/lesbian? First off, this question largely depends on what we mean by it. Can we change how we label ourselves? Sure. Easily. However, I don't think this means our sexuality changes. I can wake up tomorrow and label myself African-American, does this change my race? Maybe it means who we're attracted to or actively involved with. I would disagree with this too. I think that bisexuality is more of an implication of ability to be attracted (in some way/shape/form) to both genders. By the same token, if a straight guy who's single isn't involved with anyone or attracted to any girls, is he asexual? Or is he straight, but simply not attracted to any girls at the moment?

Anyway, I'd like to get other people's opinions here. I have more thoughts but I'd like to save some for reactionary posts.
Our sexuality doesn't have to change in order to manifest itself differently than one is used to, in my judgement. I tend to not be too fond of labels in spite of identifying as a bisexual. The whole asexual thing is pretty unfamiliar territory for me, though :bigrin: A lot of people define their bisexuality differently but I think you've hit the basic points there.

[citystyleguy]

Does sexuality change?

This is coming up in another thread I'm active in, but I feel that since it came up as an aside and started to get more significant, and since it's a question we can probably debate forever it probably could use it's own thread. Furthermore, I think I may never have made my opinion completely clear, so I'd like to remedy this.

First of all, is sexuality rigid or fluid? I think that it's fluid, and I think that as a group many of us fall into this camp. Sexuality is something that will be different tomorrow than it was today, and is different today than it was yesterday.

But secondly, do people go back and forth between straight, bisexual and gay/lesbian? First off, this question largely depends on what we mean by it. Can we change how we label ourselves? Sure. Easily. However, I don't think this means our sexuality changes. I can wake up tomorrow and label myself African-American, does this change my race? Maybe it means who we're attracted to or actively involved with. I would disagree with this too. I think that bisexuality is more of an implication of ability to be attracted (in some way/shape/form) to both genders. By the same token, if a straight guy who's single isn't involved with anyone or attracted to any girls, is he asexual? Or is he straight, but simply not attracted to any girls at the moment?

Anyway, I'd like to get other people's opinions here. I have more thoughts but I'd like to save some for reactionary posts.

does sexuality change? nope, but what you practice can define you if you're in need of labels to tell others about yourself. we call ourselves by racial content, by ethnic divisions, cultural gaps, religious beliefs, so on and so forth. these really only define our historical content, as delivered by our ancestural pool of genes, and to some extent by how long we stayed in an area, and what others our gene pool mixed with at various times.

l do not believe that we have all these catagories of sexuality; in truth, we act on personal intuition, desire, needs, and if we give into it, how and what we accept as societal parameters. also fears of whatever come into our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves will also shape our responses to some extent.

so that an individual who defines themselves as straight, the common label that defines woman/man sexuality, as well as those who are gay/lesbian, have defined their personal/primal needs within a variant of the above interacting parameters.

those who then are what is an overlapping of the above, can perhaps be considered more open to acceptance of the parallel options and/or parameters that are an inherent part of all of us; that we attempt to describe these individuals by the practices of the options/parameters of others, leaves us with an otherwise confused pathway in attempting to come to terms with our sexuality.

i dislike the inherent measurments of the kinsey scale, as it attempts to describe my sexuality by the practices of others. when i am with a man or a women, is the definition of my sexuality, not that it is gay, straight, et. al. when i am in and about the world, my sexuality/duality is in constant, overlapping flux, many times within seconds of one another. i may be looking at a guy and considering his manner, movement, physical aspects, all the while looking at and considering how fine the women across the room looks in that very fine spring dress, taking the curves of her limbs, while i glance back at the guy, thinking how fine his body fits his outfit, etc.

this format is limited in the ability to respond, but i can only hope that i got across a definitive concept for your's and other's consideration;

a confirmed bisexual, not gay, not straight!

[DiamondDog]

I tend to think of me as "me", not as the labels of "gay" or "straight" or "bi" no matter who/what I'm into/not into at the time.

I've been described by others, and describe myself as "just sexual" or ambiguous. I've also been known to describe myself as fluid/queer.

I've always found whatever label one wishes to use with me far less important or even completely unimportant relative to what and who I really am. "Straight", "bi", "gay", "asexual", none of it has the slightest importance to me because my focus is always on what sort of sex suits me here and now.

It could be sex with another man, it could be sex with a woman, it could be sex with a diverse group of both, with a transsexual, BDSM, or no sex at all.

I've explored many possibilities and consider my explorations unfinished.

Without focusing on the label, I'm free to be fluid and, without a specific label for others to stick on me, they are left unable to categorize and thus limit their conclusions about who what I am. I am free to evolve and change at will and the judgments of others are left to evolve and change. That is precisely what is right for any lifeform and certainly what is right for a human being.

Ignore entirely these labels our cultures labor so hard to cling to. Leave your sexuality open-ended and hard-to-define. You'll be vastly more free and your life will be vastly more organic and that's always a good thing. Labels, categories, hard definitions suffocate and it's best not to use them with the living.

[softfruit]

do people go back and forth between straight, bisexual and gay/lesbian?

Yes.

Whether in your "just changing a label for the same underlying patterns of attraction" or in the sense that those patterns of attraction change, either may change. Or stay shockingly consistent. Just like like my taste for curry, sometimes I don't want it for months, sometimes I want it for dinner every night.

One of the myths to dispel along the way of this question is the idea that you may be bi but it's a phase from which we ultimately gravitate towards being totally gay or straight. In running bi coming-out groups over the last decade I've seen plenty of people coming to bi from either direction.


By the same token, if a straight guy who's single isn't involved with anyone or attracted to any girls, is he asexual? Or is he straight, but simply not attracted to any girls at the moment?

If he's generally attracted to women, but is in a space where he doesn't find anyone appealing (and we've all had nights out like that...) he's still straight. Heterosexuality doesn't mean you have to be attracted to all 3 billion of a given gender any more than being bisexual means I have to fancy you.

If he's not felt any mental or physical stirring for a few months and is out there being sociable in the world, then we get into the nuances of how non-sexual you have to be to stop being LGB/hetero and count as asexual. Which, like how bi you have to be to be "bi", is one of those piece-of-string arguments.

[fefetrixabelle]

i think this is a really interesting question, partly because everyone has a different opinion and partly because its almost impossible to come to a definite conclusion. personally i think of sexuality as a spectrum from gay to straight (tho its a bit oversimplified) and we all stand at a different part of that spectrum. right now im smack bang in the middle (buts thats because ive been single for ages and everyone looks pretty good).

i think where we are on the spectrum is fluid in the sense that there are all sorts of reasons why people can change the way they label themselves. its well documented that prolonged time in a single sex enviroment makes people little more "love the one you're with" and sexual abuse can permantly affect someones personality. sexuality is so personal i can't simply be genetic, can anyone honestly that the same things turn them on now as they did as puberty?

i think what other people have said is the most important as well, we shouldn't get caught up trying to label ourselves the way current society dictates - the acient greeks, the fathers of civilisation, had very different ideas about who should be doing what to who. i think that in the same way that no-one can say for certain that they are 100% of a certain race, no-one can say that right now that who they are attracted to is and always be the same. but then i think everyone's really bisexual so what do i know! xx

[Reprob8]

Sometimes I feel strongly towards men and at other times I feel strong attractions for women. On rare occasions do I feel strong attractions for both.

[innaminka]

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the depth of thought - and experiences that some of these threads inspire.

Everything that has been written here I can somehow, at sometime associate myself with ..
But personally, I think sexuality doesn't change so much as it is refined by experience and maturity.
I look at myself 20 years ago and myself today. Certainly my thinking and preferences have changed greatly - but is it sexuality or just preferences?
20 years ago I was rabid str8. The thought of making out with another woman would not have entered my mind; it may even have evinced a very negative response.
I look at the road I have travelled since. At no time did I suddenly wake up and shriek, "Eureka - I am BI!!!" It has been a slow insinuation of likes, dislikes, people I've been with - all of that.
Today, as opposed to 20 years ago, I have almost 100% different prefernces. I am very much on the lesbian side of the bi palette.
Different? Yes! But was it change or was it always there and just needed "refining" by experience. I don't know.

[canuckotter]

I think sexuality definitely changes over the course of our lives. Well, obviously it does -- I sure wasn't interested in girls when I was five! :tong: It seems fairly reasonable to me to assume that there's a good chance that in the initial development of sexuality in the teens, and further development in the early twenties, that a strict sexuality isn't necessarily defined right at the start and then held rigid through the person's entire lifespan. Then, of course, there are the many people on here who go through cycles of being more and less attracted to one gender or the other.

However, your main question was obviously about the labels we apply. Could someone go from bi to straight? Yes, I think it's possible, as long as you're not overzealous in applying the label "bisexual". There are plenty of people who go through temporary experimental phases (more girls than guys admit it, of course) and, frankly, if they're emotionally attracted to and fantasize about members of the same sex as well as members of the opposite sex, then I'd be happy to agree that they're bi. After a while, perhaps that particular area of their sexuality declines (due to an actual experience revealing that it isn't something they're all that excited about after all, perhaps) and they no longer fantasize about same-sex relations. Voila, bi to straight right there. And yes, I do know someone personally who went through that whole process.

What about someone who's more happily and actively bisexual for a long period... Could someone like that suddenly "turn straight"? I dunno. I've never seen it happen, and I imagine it's extremely unlikely, but that's not the same as impossible.

Really, though, this particular discussion is more about labels. "gay", "straight", and "bi" are convenient labels, true, but they're not some straightjacket that once put on defines every aspect of a person. Plenty of people inhabit the grey zones between straight and bi or bi and gay, and in those cases worrying about labels seems counterproductive. I try to deal with people as they are, not as how their labels dictate they should be -- especially since I have yet to meet a person to whom any label could be accurately or productively applied. So I use the labels for convenience and happily ignore them the instant they get in the road.

And once again I've gone on longer than intended. :rolleyes: But I did want to answer this topic, so there you go. Now you have my answer. :)

[shaver6]

When I was growing up as a teenager, my only sexual interest was in other boys. Girls were just kind of an oddity. I was curious about having sex with girls, but I never lusted over them, or poured over Playboy magazines. It just seemed that guys were much easier to access for sex, and you didn't have all the emotional baggage that came with girls.

When I got to be around 40, I started getting very curious about having sex with a female. I finally was able to do it, when I got together with the girlfriend, of a guy, that I had been seeing. I did enjoy the experience. Since then I have had several different girls that I have had sex with, one being a male/female 3-some. I think for me, it was just a case of finally looking at the "other side", and realizing that there was sexual pleasure to be had with both sexes. I must admit, males are still my number one interest, but its nice to throw a female into the mix, from time to time, ...as varity is the spice of life.

[Boogie2u]

A good question: i think that a 'definition' in the end is only a concept, a man made social concept...it is a human attempt to describe and communicate something that i believe cannot be described and only partially communicated. Similar for example to 'love' or 'aesthetic beauty', self definition is something that i believe we all know within ourselves 100% of the time even though it is a constantly evolving state of being. The difficulty arises in the communication and interpretation of that definition as many angst ridden artists and poets have shown. To attempt to communicate such 'unworldly' emotions, heart ache and understanding of ones life using our social constructs ie language is a futile thing to attempt. Artists have been doing this for years and tearing their hair out because noone understands them! lol
i feel we shouldnt get so hungup upon 'defining' either ourselves or others, to me with the language we have open to us we will never get close....its as difficult as describing the 'soul'.

[DiamondDog]

I found this quote on a website and I thought it was relavant to this thread, so I decided to post it.

Bisexuals can change sexual preferences over the course of a lifetime (more than once, even), without ceasing to be bisexual. We can even label ourselves gay, lesbian, straight, or transgender, and still also be bisexual.

[glantern954]

This is great and I totally agree.


I found this quote on a website and I thought it was relavant to this thread, so I decided to post it.

Bisexuals can change sexual preferences over the course of a lifetime (more than once, even), without ceasing to be bisexual. We can even label ourselves gay, lesbian, straight, or transgender, and still also be bisexual.

[Sparks]

Of course it's fluid. It's called maturity. :2cents:

[gh05t]

For me, yes, regularly.
Thinking of things as you would your favourite meal.
How long would it be before you wanted something different if you were to have your one favourite at every mealtime?
Hmm.... I'm salivating at the thought... perhaps a more appropriate analagy next time :/

[DiamondDog]

For me, yes, regularly.
Thinking of things as you would your favourite meal.
How long would it be before you wanted something different if you were to have your one favourite at every mealtime?
Hmm.... I'm salivating at the thought... perhaps a more appropriate analagy next time :/

That is a good analogy to make.

Do most people prefer eating the same types of food day after day, or are they just too frightened to try something new for whatever fear associated with it?

[suegeorge]

There are so many possible answers to this question.

For myself, my sexual identity (as bi) has not altered at all really since I first considered myself bisexual back in 1973. During that time, sometimes I have mainly gone out with men, or women; other times I have had a monogamous relationship with one person for a really long time. Regardless of what I have actually been doing, my attractions for people whether male or female have still been there.

In that sense, I don't even feel my own sexuality is "fluid" - I am bisexual, and that's that!

But I have also met people (mainly women but men too) whose sexuality seems to have changed dramatically. What about one of my friends who was straight until she was about 30, then fell for a woman and was a very enthusiastic lesbian for 12 years, dating loads of women and having no interest whatsoever in men. Then, suddenly, she sat next to a man on a plane, they fell madly in love and subsequently got married.

Several male friends of mine had quite a lot of sex with other men in their early 20s, then "settled down" with a woman and stopped seeing men. Other people have said to me they thought they weren't bisexual any more - this seemed to me because they were happy in one relationship and weren't interested in pursuing anything else.

But that's just sexuality as in gay-bi-straight. What about sexuality in terms of... people becoming interested in BDSM and then going off it; liking feminine people and becoming interested in masculine ones; liking arty winsome types and then turning to sports people?

Sue

Bisexuality and beyond (http://suegeorgewrites.blogspot.com)

[the sacred night]

But that's just sexuality as in gay-bi-straight. What about sexuality in terms of... people becoming interested in BDSM and then going off it; liking feminine people and becoming interested in masculine ones; liking arty winsome types and then turning to sports people?


Good point, sexuality has a lot of aspects besides gender. On any aspect, though, my answer is that change is possible because it would be silly to say it was impossible. How could you ever study sexuality thoroughly enough to say with absolute certainty that it was impossible? If you've asked a million people and they all said their sexuality didn't change, would that mean it was impossible for it to change? No. You might say at that point that it was unlikely, but to say it was impossible is just too absolute to make any sense. Something as subjective and individual as sexuality is not something you can just make judgments on and assume they are true for everyone... if someone says their sexuality has changed, who am I to tell them they're wrong? I wasn't in their head, so I can't say that they're lying or that they're wrong about themselves, because I can't presume to know more about it than they do.

[deremarc]

I am straight and I have no personal experience in this. But, I have seen this discussed on other threads, and it's my opinion that labels do seem to matter to a lot of people.

I think that it seems as if declaring yourself/being bisexual, and then deciding you are in fact straight is seen as a betrayal of bisexualism.
(much more so than if you decide you are in fact homosexual).

Only you know to whom you are attracted...no one else can apply a label to you. (and I also believe no one else should criticize someone for changing that label).

Maybe it is that sexuality is fluid. I have an aunt who was married for years, and now has been with the same woman for years. I asked her about this and she said that she honestly was not attracted to women at all prior to her divorce (and meeting a woman who became her best friend and who she eventually fell head over heels in love with.)

Was she bi all that time and didn't know it? She says no. Is she attracted to men now? Not at all..no fantasies, no crushes, etc.

Can she change from straight to being a lesbian? Without a doubt. Might she change to something else somewhere down the line? I think so.

I just think that if people are to have the freedom to declare themselves bi, str8, or homosexual, they should also have the freedom to change that declaration. And who is anyone else to say what is right or wrong for another person?

Definitely not me.

[leizy]

According to the research - short answer - "yes." Long answer - for some people it does, for others it doesn't. This is a touchy subject, as it is sometimes used to argue that bisexuals don't exist and are just "transitional." In one longitudinal study of bisexual men, they found that those who identified as bisexual, but had few experiences with women, and rarely if ever masturbated to fantasies of women, were most likely to later identify as gay (duhhh).

Other studies have found that in many cases, bisexuality as an identity is relatively stable throughout life. However, most bisexuals, as they age, tend to become relatively monogamous with a single sex, though they still identify as bisexual.

cheers.
david

[Lisa (va)]

I kind of like what 'citystyleguy' said, our sexuality may not change as much as our sexual practices.

As cliche as it may sound, the most relevant aspect is in ones mind. Am I any more or less sexual when I am seeing a guy, or a girl? In my opinion the feelings towards ones' partner is between your ears, not your legs. True, the actual mechanics of sex may be different but the loving feelings are the same.

Whether I am classed as straight when I am with a guy, or a lesbian when I am with a lady, I am still just me.

Lisa

hugs n kisses