Wife refuses sex after menopause

[glantern954]

I recently read a story from a 79 year old bi man whose wife stopped having sex after menopause. I couldn't help but wonder how common this was and what I would do in his position.

As much as I dislike the idea of my wife having to endure unwanted sex with me, I still think that my desire to continue to have sex would still need to be considered.

Your thoughts?

[Long Duck Dong]

mmmm the first question i would have, is to what extent has the sex stopped

penetration is nice, but its not the only type of sexual experience between two people

if I was in his shoes.... i would look at my options and decide, what is more important to me, my sex drive and getting laid or my marriage ???
now I am not a overly sexual person.....lol.... if I don't get laid, i don't care....its nice, its pleasure, but I don't run my life from F**K to F**K ....lol

IF i was married and my wife was menopausual or post menopausual and not interested in sex.... then I would look at ways to enjoy my sex drive ( if i had one still ) with her help or without her help ( masturbating )... but I wouldn't table the idea of endured sex... and nor would i pressure her to have sex for my sake

during past relationships, if my partner didn't like period sex, then I would say, thats fine, thats cool, am I allowed to masturbate during that time.. and the response was generally good...... so with a menopausual / post menopausal partner... I can't see why I would break the habit of a life time....lol

[glantern954]

In this case, it was all sexual conact.

I don't think that I personally could live happily on masterbation alone for any significant length of time. Hopefully I never have to find out. :) I also couldn't imagine ever having to ask permission to masterbate from anyone.

Sex is far from the most important thing in my marriage, but it is important and I don't see that changing that much as I get older. I guess time will tell.


mmmm the first question i would have, is to what extent has the sex stopped

penetration is nice, but its not the only type of sexual experience between two people

if I was in his shoes.... i would look at my options and decide, what is more important to me, my sex drive and getting laid or my marriage ???
now I am not a overly sexual person.....lol.... if I don't get laid, i don't care....its nice, its pleasure, but I don't run my life from F**K to F**K ....lol

IF i was married and my wife was menopausual or post menopausual and not interested in sex.... then I would look at ways to enjoy my sex drive ( if i had one still ) with her help or without her help ( masturbating )... but I wouldn't table the idea of endured sex... and nor would i pressure her to have sex for my sake

during past relationships, if my partner didn't like period sex, then I would say, thats fine, thats cool, am I allowed to masturbate during that time.. and the response was generally good...... so with a menopausual / post menopausal partner... I can't see why I would break the habit of a life time....lol

[Nara_lovely]

OK, I've heard about this subject from older women that have experienced menopause...and read some articles. I'm by no means an expert, nor have the original articlesas backup.

First, I'm going to skip past the 79!!!! year old complaining at the lack of sex...I think he's done pretty damn good compared to a lot his age!

Menopause creates a huge change in a woman's body...lubrication, sensitivity and drive. There are natural remedies that can help (I have issues with 'medicine' as a personal choice)...but am fully supportive of individual choice. There is also the emotional factor: a woman has huge emotions associated with this time of her life too.

To be blunt...if her husband remains understanding (he will survive) she will be able to warm to him...support is important. These are powerful emotional swings and can make even the most stable woman go nuts!

Overall, my thoughts are: Which is more important? The woman or the sex?

[collegelady911]

I have a slightly different view on this subject, being a woman, having menopause learing over my head in the non-to-distant future, and being extremely sexual myself; I think that you (as the female partner) should consider the fact that up to this point you and your husband have presumably had a very good and satisfying sex life. Through no fault of his it has now ended - why? There are medical interventions available to women that have had loss of libido after menopause, most think, and I do mean most, that if they don't want it anymore, then hubby will just have to understand or assume that he does understand - WRONG! Wonder why alot of men have "midlife crisis" at around that age.

A satisfying sex life is a good part of a marriage -it isn't the entire marriage, nor what most marriages are based on - but it is important, he doesn't want to seem insensitive by asking for something that she has repeatedly made clear that she doesn't want anymore, and so he drops the subject. She assumes he's fine with it because he no longer "bugs" her about it. How dumb, utterly ridiculous, and then down the road when she finds out that he has been cheating on her she's upset, and then he leaves for this other woman.

Statistically we cheat, I see all the time responses on here talking about how awful someone is that cheats, cheating is cheating, blah blah blah, considering the percentages and the fact that alot of married people are cheating (based on the percentages) what's going on in our marriages - complacency. We get em married and then don't do the maintenance and sex is maintenance just like communication. I think if you are in a marriage where you have had a normal sexual relationship and then due to menopause it ends, it is the responsibility of both partners to be open and honest - and there are topical and prescription meds that can be effective with female libido issues. I would suggest to any man or woman going through a menopause induced sex death in their marriage to talk to you GYN and see what can be done and if he/she says nothing - get a 2nd or 3rd opinion.

Viagra has been prescribed successfully to women and 2% testosterone cream that is applied topically is said to have some positive benefits as well = Don't give up and don't get lazy in your marriages.

Sorry for the soap box, but it's something that goes undiscussed all to often.

[Mrs.F]

My mom has not even hit menopause yet and she has been nonsexual for yrs. now. She just absolutely has NO interest in it whatsoever. Not that I like to think about my parents and sex at the same time :eek: but I do and have worried about that for awhile now. I know also that my grandma was this way...she was brought up to believe that sex was for one thing....making babies. It was not meant to be fun. My mom was a little better in that area but now she has lost interest in it also. She's made comments that she and dad only had sex 3 times....and we three kids were born. I've seen my dad make nice, loving comments to her and she gets upset and tells him to leave her alone. It's hurtful to him and I can see it in his eyes...but like collegelady said...he knows it will get him nowhere so he drops it and doesn't bring it up anymore. I honestly don't believe she see's it as a problem and therefore will not bring it up to her dr. She is just done with that part of her life. And really I wish that she and my dad were more intimate because I think it would really help their relationship more, and maybe she would see what she has been missing and could be enjoying. No, sex does not make a marriage but sex is a huge part of the marriage.

[glantern954]

Overall, my thoughts are: Which is more important? The woman or the sex?

I would have to say that both peoples needs are equally important.

[Driver 8]

Susie Bright, the sex writer, wrote an essay about how pregnancy changed her sexual reactions. She concluded that it's not so much that women lose interest during pregnancy - the problem is that what used to work doesn't work any more, and a lot of women, for whatever reason, don't find something new that does.

I wonder if menopause has a similar effect? I realize that with the drop in hormones there may be some drop in desire, but I wonder if it's also, for some women, a case of re-learning what they'll enjoy sexually?

[glantern954]

That makes perfect sense.


Susie Bright, the sex writer, wrote an essay about how pregnancy changed her sexual reactions. She concluded that it's not so much that women lose interest during pregnancy - the problem is that what used to work doesn't work any more, and a lot of women, for whatever reason, don't find something new that does.

I wonder if menopause has a similar effect? I realize that with the drop in hormones there may be some drop in desire, but I wonder if it's also, for some women, a case of re-learning what they'll enjoy sexually?

[Driver 8]

I read Bright's essay (http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/pregnancy/index.html) in one of her books, but she's also put it up on her website for free.

[glantern954]

WOW! That was very revealing and informative. I will never look at pregnant wo,en the same way. ;)


I read Bright's essay (http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/pregnancy/index.html) in one of her books, but she's also put it up on her website for free.

[Lorcan]

Having sex when you don't feel any pleasure from it is HIDEOUS. And don't thing that medical science has a cure for every instance of it.

She's wash your clothes and fed you for umpteen years, and now that she can't it up you're willing to ditch her.

What if it where you? If you suddenly became impotent, how would it feel if after 25 years of marriage she left you.

Sure, i agree, she should try to find something that works for her and him.

But i'm telling ya: if she doesn't feel anything, it's more hideous that you can imagine.

[glantern954]

Let's not assume every wife is as domesticated as you present. There are plenty of relationships, mine included, where the men pull their weight too. Not all wives are burdened with raising their husband's children, washing his clothes, and cooking his meals.

I don't believe anyone has said anything about "ditching" anyone, this case doesn't even apply to me yet, and hopefuly it never will.

In response to your question. I would like to think that if I was personally unable or unwilling to perform sexual acts my wife needed to be happy in our relationship that we would talk about it and work out what each of us needed to continue and be happy. Would I be hurt if she choose to ditch me? Sure.

Ultimately people are selfish though. If someone is not getting what they need from a relationship they are probably eventually going to cheat or leave. I don't mean to trivialize how awful it must be to have sex that you don't want, but it has also got to be very frustrating to not get sexual pleasure when a spouse still has their sex drive.




Having sex when you don't feel any pleasure from it is HIDEOUS. And don't thing that medical science has a cure for every instance of it.

She's wash your clothes and fed you for umpteen years, and now that she can't it up you're willing to ditch her.

What if it where you? If you suddenly became impotent, how would it feel if after 25 years of marriage she left you.

Sure, i agree, she should try to find something that works for her and him.

But i'm telling ya: if she doesn't feel anything, it's more hideous that you can imagine.

[Lorcan]

Let's not assume every wife is as domesticated as you present. There are plenty of relationships, mine included, where the men pull their weight too. Not all wives are burdened with raising their husband's children, washing his clothes, and cooking his meals.

Sorry. Didn't mean to imply that. (i'm certainly not like that!) That was only meant to be a one case scenerio. I was just saying that she did more for you than just sex, and she did it because she loved you.

[skiflydive]

My wife and I have had sex one time in 2.5 years. She has decided she just is not interested. Any time the subject comes up she shuts down. The unfortunate thing is she's multi-orgasmic - or used to be and it's very easy to get her off. She says she just is not interested - told our therapist that if she never had sexual contact with anyone again that would be fine. I've offered to only do what she likes when she likes...re-read the first sentence. The one time we did have sex it was obviously painful for her so I stopped. The last time it came up she told me I was at fault because I pulled out...hello - she's yelling how much it hurts - what was I supposed to do. Do I sound pissed? Fu**in' A I'm pissed - she refuses to do anything at all about discussing her libido or lack thereof - with any professional who might be able to help her. In the meantime - there's a word for those who have sex with an unwilling partner - and I won't do it.

[Long Duck Dong]

skiflydive... i feel for ya.... and I am impressed

you show a strong caring and loving nature with ya wife and thats awesome

how do you handle the lack of sexual activity..... if i read right, the full sex has stopped, and so has any type of sexual contact....

now if I was in that situatuion and my wife ( IF i had one ) decided no sex was good sex,, then I would be able to handle that..... but i would seek a outlet as well, even if it was masturbation... if the wife decided she was not interested... thats still fine.....BUT if she decided that I was not allowed to relieve my own sexual frustration with masturbation or other means, INSIDE the marriage..... there would be some serious talking

[Lorcan]

Wow Skyflydive. That must be hard....harder still because you don't know what the cause is. There's no way to attack the problem. Do you think it could be menopause?

course i read your profile and have some clue what you do about it.

[skiflydive]

LOL - how do I handle lack of sex - I Jack Off....anyone want to join me????
I shouldn't make light - it's a difficult issue

[The Cheshire Cat]

Speaking as a "post menopausal" woman, one who has not taken hormones to try to "fix it", I have enough thoughts rolling around in my brain to write a short novel! But instead all i can say is...Hummmmm...interesting.... :rolleyes:

[Avocado]

Depends. We don't have that much sex (maybe less than once a month?) but indefinately is another thing. If she didn't mind me using my hand I probably wouldn't mind.

[jazz5]

It's hurtful to him and I can see it in his eyes...but like collegelady said...he knows it will get him nowhere so he drops it and doesn't bring it up anymore. I honestly don't believe she see's it as a problem and therefore will not bring it up to her dr. She is just done with that part of her life.


My wife is post menopausal and has lost 99.99% interest in sex. She was active but it has changed her physically. For many men; and I happen to be one of them; the constant rejection wears on you to the point of just leaving her alone. My wife has done everything, tried all the hormones, been to different doctors and all to no avail. It's not like she hasn't tried. At times I will bring up the fact that we have not been intimate for over two years and she tells me we need to do something about. She tells me try romancing her more. BUT.... we keep going back to the rejection and the hoped anticipation. One poster said better communication is needed and I agree but that still doesn't cure the problem. At least I haven't found that it does anyways.

I know the problem is not one that she caused or wanted. I also know if she could change it she would. And yes as another poster said that if I cheated she would be mad.

This is a great post maybe I will learn something.

:banghead: :banghead:

[hillwalker54]

I know just where you are skiflydive!!!

My wife hit perimenopause fairly early in her mid forties. That seemed to be a slow demise of her average libido. She is fortunate in not having pain issues but just has no drive or desire. And this all came to light as my libido was taking off. Having approached her with the idea of swinging, i was enlightened to the fact that she was not interested in swinging, but could do without sex period. OUCH!!!!

Like skiflydive, she's not really interested in changing things. You know the old adage. People need to help them selves!!

Oh well,

[Just_Gem]

I can't speak for anyother women, only myself. As another post-menopausal female who has not tried the hormones or other such stuff, I still find sex exciting and extremely enjoyable, though admittedly less often than when I was younger. Part of that is because of health issues such as my arthritis. I hate starting something with him that I'm physically unable to finish for either of us.

One thing that helps for me is a loving, caring husband that is willing to take the time and have the understanding that it takes both of us not just one to have a great sex life. I know that when there are times when it is a long time between our 'encounters' that he takes things into his own hands and if that's what he needs to do for himself that's fine too. It doesn't make me feel "less a woman" to know he does this. It's just a way for him to get some relief when I'm unable to take care of either his or my needs (and yes I do still have sexual needs) ;)

As has already been stated though, each person is different and what works for me won't work for every woman. Add to that the way that many women of my generation were raised and there is often a big problem with maintaining a sexual relationship after menopause and for many after they see their "job" completed when they decide to not have any more children. We also weren't taught that sex could be fun and enjoyable, so for many it wasn't, even during their young years. To me that is very sad as they are missing out on a very relaxing, enjoyable part of their own femine being - their own sexuality.

My :2cents: :2cents: :2cents: :bigrin:
Gemm

[glantern954]

No apology necessary. :) :) :)


Sorry. Didn't mean to imply that. (i'm certainly not like that!) That was only meant to be a one case scenerio. I was just saying that she did more for you than just sex, and she did it because she loved you.

[curiousguy05]

Why don't you try Hormonal Replacement Therapy,HRT for short.

It is physiologically normal for a menopausal woman or a man who already reached andropause to have decreased libido. Decreased estrogen levels affect sexual desire and also has an effect on the vaginal mucosa. The vaginal lining thins out and vaginal glands decrease in size and number. This is the reason why menopausal women have a hard time becoming "wet" which is needed for penetration. Same with an andropausal man in which testosterone levels are going down. They also experience decreased libido and difficulty in attaining erections. So, it is important to understand your wife's situation.
Psychological and physiological aspects plays very important roles in sex.

[curiousguy05]

Susie Bright, the sex writer, wrote an essay about how pregnancy changed her sexual reactions. She concluded that it's not so much that women lose interest during pregnancy - the problem is that what used to work doesn't work any more, and a lot of women, for whatever reason, don't find something new that does.

I wonder if menopause has a similar effect? I realize that with the drop in hormones there may be some drop in desire, but I wonder if it's also, for some women, a case of re-learning what they'll enjoy sexually?

You are right that pregnant women sometimes have decreased libido. During this time, estrogen levels drop while progesterone, needed to maintain pregnancy rises.

[randall]

I find the thread very interesting. I'm 52 yo man and my wife has just turned 50. We both love sex with each other,but over the last 9 yrs her sex drive has decreased about 99% because of menapause. She has consulted her gyn,but to no avail.She has very very rare sexual desire.I know she is faithful to me as I am to her. I try to help her with everything around the house ( clean,cook,laundry etc.) figuring she just is tired,but fully knowing it's menapause. So for now I just masterbate occassionaly.I also dont even get to sexually aroused because I know it wont happen, so why bother. I do agree with Jazz5 accessments though. I have tried everything to get her sexual attention,from romantic nites,even calling for "dates",even have tried a MFM, but still nothing has really took. I have resolved to live "semi-celebate" till we get back together romanticly/sexually. My :2cents:

[the sacred night]

there's a word for those who have sex with an unwilling partner - and I won't do it.

That says it all. If someone doesn't want to have sex, they don't have to. Period.

If I ever became completely uninterested/unable to have sex, then no, I would not EVER "endure" it, but of course I would allow my partner to seek other outlets... and if my partner became uninterested/unable, I would expect the same consideration, but I would not expect another person to "endure" sex with me either.