Being out with family

[Azrael]

This has been a subject of considerable pain for me lately. It's not that I don't love my family, because I do. See, before this whole mental breakdown happened I was living with my girlfriend at the time. My mom has known I'm bi for some time, but I guess she got her hopes up when I was engaged and convinced herself I grew out of it or something. I know she tries in her way to understand, but she thinks I'm the one with the problem. My long hair, my death metal, basically everything I do registers on her end as me trying to be different. My purpose has always been to just be myself. When I was in the mental hospital she asked me why I wear my sexuality "on my sleeve". She's like "noone cares about that, why do you have to make such a big deal about it?". I do not go around screaming "I'M BISEXUAL" to amuse myself, as this would probably get me beat down. I've been reasonably out for like a year now, and finally felt an incredible sense of relief with being honest with myself and others. I've tried explaining that for me to live in a state of hiding was killing me, to no avail. I try to give my family as much credit for being understanding as possible, but they just keep making me profoundly upset. My Uncle, who's like a father to me told me, "Really, Tom, it's not natural" and had the audacity to ask my mom why I was upset with him. He pussyfooted his way into the argument of "No, I just mean it's not biologically natural, I have no problem with it morally." whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
My family keeps asking me what the problem is and why I'm always so morose, never considering that I might be mentally stable except for having to deal with them. When I met my boyfriend and was doing lots of stuff with him, my mom always referred to him as my "friend" to others in the family. Can't wait til my "friend" gets to meet the rest of them. On the one hand I just want to tell everyone but then they would think that's why I have mental issues in itself. My mom and her brother know and my dad's sister, who's been really sweet about everything.
My family's the paranoid suspicious back talking kind, so a lot more could be aware of it without my knowing. I'm just sick of being treated like I'm a mental defective for being honest with myself about who I am and what I like to do. Of course the solution is move on, but pretty much however I handle this I'll end up being the bastard son, so I just keep sucking it up, but being pushed back in the closet is destroying me. Anyone deal with this kind of stuff?

[taz67156]

hi Azrael,
I can see how its upset you and when families do that to you it hurts and doesn't seem to get better cause you never know when they are talking behind your back which alot of families tend to do, even though I'm straight it might seem to people that I might not know what they are talking about but my own family talks about me when I'm not around and when I do see them anytime they talk like I'm an embarassment to them all which I've gotten to the point I just don't care what they say.

The only thing I can think of is try doing like I have been and see if you can ignore them talking bad about you cause its only going to lead you into major depression.

taz67156

[jedinudist]

This has been a subject of considerable pain for me lately. It's not that I don't love my family, because I do. See, before this whole mental breakdown happened I was living with my girlfriend at the time. My mom has known I'm bi for some time, but I guess she got her hopes up when I was engaged and convinced herself I grew out of it or something. I know she tries in her way to understand, but she thinks I'm the one with the problem. My long hair, my death metal, basically everything I do registers on her end as me trying to be different. My purpose has always been to just be myself. When I was in the mental hospital she asked me why I wear my sexuality "on my sleeve". She's like "noone cares about that, why do you have to make such a big deal about it?". I do not go around screaming "I'M BISEXUAL" to amuse myself, as this would probably get me beat down. I've been reasonably out for like a year now, and finally felt an incredible sense of relief with being honest with myself and others. I've tried explaining that for me to live in a state of hiding was killing me, to no avail. I try to give my family as much credit for being understanding as possible, but they just keep making me profoundly upset. My Uncle, who's like a father to me told me, "Really, Tom, it's not natural" and had the audacity to ask my mom why I was upset with him. He pussyfooted his way into the argument of "No, I just mean it's not biologically natural, I have no problem with it morally." whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
My family keeps asking me what the problem is and why I'm always so morose, never considering that I might be mentally stable except for having to deal with them. When I met my boyfriend and was doing lots of stuff with him, my mom always referred to him as my "friend" to others in the family. Can't wait til my "friend" gets to meet the rest of them. On the one hand I just want to tell everyone but then they would think that's why I have mental issues in itself. My mom and her brother know and my dad's sister, who's been really sweet about everything.
My family's the paranoid suspicious back talking kind, so a lot more could be aware of it without my knowing. I'm just sick of being treated like I'm a mental defective for being honest with myself about who I am and what I like to do. Of course the solution is move on, but pretty much however I handle this I'll end up being the bastard son, so I just keep sucking it up, but being pushed back in the closet is destroying me. Anyone deal with this kind of stuff?

Dude, you are ahead of the game. It took me 35 years to accept who I am. And I have had to put up with allot less b.s. from family members than you have only because I own my own home and my wife is standing by my side. However, I am still getting allot of b.s.- my mother did this big break down and cry thing, told me she was so happy for me, then made a point of telling me that it's still very wrong to be bisexual.

WTF?

Don't spend your life trying to be what other people want you to be. Be yourself. If they love you, they'll accept it. If not, too bad for them, for it will be their loss when you aren't an active part of their life. Don't let them see their jibes and opinions get to you. Don't let them get to you at all. You DO NOT have to justify your orientation to anyone. They might be under the impression that this is a phase you will "grow out of", or because you're still "young" they can sway your orientation to one they are more comfortable with (hetero).

Be who you are, experience your life, live it, breathe it, love it! Don't let time slip past you while you're engaged in an endless struggle for acceptance and understanding from people who may never reach that point. Love them, and let them be who they are- just don't let that rule your life or ruin your day!

Blessed Be~

[DiamondDog]

Don't spend your life trying to be what other people want you to be. Be yourself. If they love you, they'll accept it. If not, too bad for them, for it will be their loss when you aren't an active part of their life. Don't let them see their jibes and opinions get to you. Don't let them get to you at all. You DO NOT have to justify your orientation to anyone. They might be under the impression that this is a phase you will "grow out of", or because you're still "young" they can sway your orientation to one they are more comfortable with (hetero).

Be who you are, experience your life, live it, breathe it, love it! Don't let time slip past you while you're engaged in an endless struggle for acceptance and understanding from people who may never reach that point. Love them, and let them be who they are- just don't let that rule your life or ruin your day!

Blessed Be~

I agree with this.

my mom tries to psychoanalyze my sexuality and I get annoyed talking to her about it so I just tell her how if she'd like I can tell her in great detail my sex dreams that het men don't get and that gets her to drop the subject. ;)

She does what your mom does and acts like if I tell friends or other people about myself how I'm telling some deep dark secret and I've told her how she's never had to do that because she's het and it's not like I'm bragging about my sex life, even if I have done things that my vanilla het friends won't ever do at all. <EFG>

[Azrael]

Dude, you are ahead of the game. It took me 35 years to accept who I am. And I have had to put up with allot less b.s. from family members than you have only because I own my own home and my wife is standing by my side. However, I am still getting allot of b.s.- my mother did this big break down and cry thing, told me she was so happy for me, then made a point of telling me that it's still very wrong to be bisexual.

WTF?

Don't spend your life trying to be what other people want you to be. Be yourself. If they love you, they'll accept it. If not, too bad for them, for it will be their loss when you aren't an active part of their life. Don't let them see their jibes and opinions get to you. Don't let them get to you at all. You DO NOT have to justify your orientation to anyone. They might be under the impression that this is a phase you will "grow out of", or because you're still "young" they can sway your orientation to one they are more comfortable with (hetero).

Be who you are, experience your life, live it, breathe it, love it! Don't let time slip past you while you're engaged in an endless struggle for acceptance and understanding from people who may never reach that point. Love them, and let them be who they are- just don't let that rule your life or ruin your day!

Blessed Be~

I certainly see your point. They're really not bad people, just stuck in the '50s or something. Point is I'm out and I'm staying there. The only place I'll let slide with that is trade school, because my sexuality has nothing to do with my ability to wrench on ACs and heat pumps. The thought actually occured to me to brush up on web design and start a gay and bi trade people website of my own. It's a pretty homophobic environment, any trade, but I know I'm not the only one. Hell, the first installer I helped is bi. That might be a worthwhile project, methinks. Thanks for your insights, sir.

[gh05t]

This quote originally came from: http://bodyart.xiaan.com/ Azrael. I don't know if it helps you here, but it sures up my mental state when I'm suffering from what other people think!

"At eighty, I think what I shall regret are the things I always wanted to do and never did; the experiences I denied myself because I was too concerned about others' opinions, or too anxious for their approval; but I think I would regret most a life wasted living as someone who was not me..."

-={?}=-

[Azrael]

Damn, point taken there. Regret is the biggest bitch there is.

[littlerayofsunshine]

I was treated differently and was "black sheeped" by my family, for different reasons though. I was raped as a child and the molested as a preteen. I was considered dirty goods, growing up in the bible belt, Everyone treats you as if they are "Holier" than you are. My mother blamed me for destroying her life and referred to me as her punishment from God. I ulitimatley let them all go, I now have a family of my creation that loves me no matter what. Accepts me no matter who I am, loves me for the simple fact I am alive and love them.

I want to give you *gentle hugs* Az. Just be who you are and nothing else. When it all comes down to the point. You realize that you will never be what ever one else will want you to be. That your happiness and the happiness of those who love you for no other reason than you are you, will be one of the most important foundations you will ever have. Live free, love free, feel free, be free.

[Lisa (va)]

Sorry for your plight. Wish more folks had families that loved and accepted them as they are and not what that assume they should be. My family is aware, as I have taken both girl and boy friends home for picnincs, dinner or what have you. But other than the initial telling them how I feel about folks without regards to their gender it's something that is known but also something that we don't continually talk about every time we see each other.
And as much as I love my mom I don't feel comfortable discussing my sex life with her, be it male or female. Basically it's just a matter of doing what is natural for yourself.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[crysstaafur]

:eek: had 2 make sure you weren't me! lol aside from being a long hair, a metalhead, non-conforming, bi-male... i've come out as bi to only dad, siblings, and wife. a very long time ago i came out as gay to mom, but i think she chalked it up to a phase when i started an interest in females around 18ish. there is no way i can come out to my gparents even though they helped raise me. (cont...)

[crysstaafur]

i got and still get flak from my family(save 4 mom, dad, siblings, and my wife) how having long hair is either out of style or that it makes me look female. that not conforming to society will cause me 2 go crazy. that sitting crosslegged is improper and will make me sterile. that wearing black a lot isnt healthy. could go on, hooray 4 *living* different in 1 of the reddest u.s. states. cont...

[crysstaafur]

in summary: coming from a long hair, bisexual, metalhead, liberal, pagan who has consistantly followed the beat of his own drum (all of this at once) for over 12 years(18 to 31) in the middle of biblebelt nowhere.... keep on being yourself & don't let anyone dissuade you sweety. may goddess protect you every step of the way!

[Azrael]

Much gratitude to those who replied. I do my best to hold true to my vision which I'm in the process of articulating. Oddly enough I had a pretty good time with some of the family this evening. Perhaps I expect too much from them or something. Whatever happens, at least I like myself. At least there are still a few really cool people like my sister and my Aunt. This brings me back to the 'making our own families' tangent, but that's all for now.

[the sacred night]

I'm only "out" with a few members of my family: my sister and 3 cousins. I am veeeeery scared to come out to my parents, but hope to eventually... and I'm another of those "black sheep" that are apparently gravitating to this thread. I've always been different. When I was 12, I went vegetarian, and my mom started introducing me "This is my daughter, she's vegetarian." When I was 16, I went atheist, which to say the least my fundamentalist protestant family was none too pleased with. I fear coming out as bi may be the final straw, because my mother once told me she thinks all bisexuals are sex addicts (by the way, WTF is up with that term... how is it possible to like sex *too* much?) or else they are so starved for love that they look for it with anyone who will have them... but I am just going to have to ask her one day how exactly she thinks she knows anything about it... as you can see my mom is the only one I'm really concerned about telling, because I have a lot of love and respect for her and do want her approval in life, despite our differences... I truly could care less what my dad thinks of me, and as for my grandparents, well... I'd be worried if they agreed with me on anything :tong:

[Azrael]

On the one hand I respected and got along with my family better when I had some distance from them. Now the distance is gone so it's a little harder to do my own thing, but I'm just going with it for now and plotting my escape :bigrin:
As for the guy, I'm not really sure how I feel about him, but we were involved for a time. At this point though, I am living single. I think my mom forgets I'm into guys unless I'm with one :rolleyes:

[Celtiff2106]

Azrael-
I can completley understand were you come from. Your family seem as though we could actually be sharing a family. I have two aunts that I am close with and can talk to, and a couple of cousins. I have yet to come out to my family though. It dosn't really bother me though. I have never had a typicall relationship with my parents, I have always been more of the parent and they sometimes seem like my kids. My two much younger siblings are my babies, not really like my parents eigther. I had to grow up at a young age so what my parents think no longer matters to me because they have not earned that respect.
So I guess we all have our problems. But if you and the ones important to you are happy it can't be all bad. Hang in there :yinyang: :flag3:

[PeterH]

Hi Azrael,

you are who you are, whether your family like it or not!!
I told my mom and dad earlier this year and they were ok with it, but I also had a lot of explaining to do, because they simply did not get it straight away. My mom thought I was gay at first. My dad seems to be having fears that I have suddenly become very promiscuous, because he knew someone wo was bi who was (actually, I'm one of the least promiscuous people I know!). I still haven't gotten round to explaining things to him, because talking about it seems so difficult, and besides, I'm not really that keen o0n discussing my sex life with my dad.
Having said all that. I get the impression that you still live with your mom and dad. Isn't it time you moved out? When I left 'home' I was 19, and quite anxious to get away. I just wanted to lead my own life. Nowadays, when I stay with my mom and dad, things always become a bit difficult when I stay for more than two days. I just get irritated with some of their behaviour (like my dad not knocking on bedroom doors), so I never stay very long. Apart from that, I get along with my folks quite well. I call them every week, and stuff
I hope things will turn out better between you and your family. Good luck with it all,

PeterH

[Azrael]

Azrael-
I can completley understand were you come from. Your family seem as though we could actually be sharing a family. I have two aunts that I am close with and can talk to, and a couple of cousins. I have yet to come out to my family though. It dosn't really bother me though. I have never had a typicall relationship with my parents, I have always been more of the parent and they sometimes seem like my kids. My two much younger siblings are my babies, not really like my parents eigther. I had to grow up at a young age so what my parents think no longer matters to me because they have not earned that respect.
So I guess we all have our problems. But if you and the ones important to you are happy it can't be all bad. Hang in there :yinyang: :flag3:
I do my best to stay positive about things. It helps me to come here and realize how non-unique my situation is. Happiness is kind of fleeting for me these days, but I'm doing better now that I'm actually doing some writing again. I've also got a good therapist I see once a week. It doesn't hurt that he's a good looking little bastard :bigrin: Seriously, though, I write to preserve myself, assert my self awareness or just to amuse myself. It's a phenomenal tool for catharsis. I know a lot of seriously intelligent people in my family (most eminently my father) who are just totally blocked with their emotions or their intellectual reasoning. My existence is a daily struggle not to become one of them, much as I love them. Such is the great struggle for many of us, I would think. I try to avoid what I call group-think. My family is huge on parroting what they watch on television as their own "informed" perspectives. I'm now in the space of giving them a big fake sugar-coated smile and saying "I respectfully beg to differ". That always works. The percocet pen does the rest for me. Working on making my own family at this point. Funny how easy I've found it can be to gut-puke my problems to total strangers. My friend took me to an Irish pub and in-between sets I found myself spilling my guts to the Irish guitarist at Flanagan's. Much to my surprise he was a really wise man with a lot of insight to offer.