My wife is confused.

[married2bif]

Believe it or not, I am married to a woman who still does not know her sexual identity. We lived with my wife's long time girlfriend for most of our 40+ year marriage. My wife was in love with her girlfriend and had sex with her often, but only had sex in our FFM threesome. If I left the bedroom she would stop and wait for me to return. I am not looking for labels but rather trying to understand her so I can better fulfill her needs. From her viewpoint she only loved her one girlfriend she says she cannot imagine herself having sex with another women and yet at times says she would like another woman in bed with us, but not a stranger.

The best way she can describe it is that while she does not think about sex with womwn or seek it out. Best she could do is say that if she loved someone and and it was a female, her gender would not matter. I also know that she enjoys the company of women who are as emotional as she is. She tells me that I read too much because whether or not I believe something is based on facts. With her, if she believes it, it is true. She has said that if I die before her, she would live with a woman. She keeps sending mixed singles. I always tell her that I love her no matter what but she just says she does not know who she is sexually.

Some me may say that it does not matter but it does. We retired and our girlfriend was supposed to follow us but she couldn't for reasons too long to describe. We were both devastated and had a very hard time adjusting my wife was a virgin when we married so with the exception of a few years, all of her sex was with her girlfriend and me. We both were depressed and I was even treated for it. We almost divorced and neither of us was interested up in sex other than masturbation. That at was the first time I asked her about her sexuality as we just lived our lives as normal. She said she never thought about it before.

You can see that we never labeled anything. However, I was trying to find out if she wanted another female sex partner. She does but she has to love them first. That is a tall order considering we live in a retirement community where people are old fashioned that they will not watch a movie with cursing or nudity in it. The only thing in her favor is that there are 3 women for each man. We we are now doing very well as a couple.

I really believe that she likes certain things from each gender but not all of any particular one. She seems to need both in her life to feel complete. Sorry for for the long post but it helps to sort things out in my mind. My first ever girlfriend and later my fiancé, is bi. The girlfriend after her is bi. With them, I understood their sexuality so I could accommodate it. My wife does not even like to talk about sex despite all the ferish play and poly triad we had. She is a puzzle that I am trying to figure out but some pieces are missing.

[elian]

From my own experience, bisexual people are attracted to the person, not the genitals..so there are certain people that you and she may really feel chemistry for. So if she truly is bisexual, the difference is she can feel a real sense of attraction for someone whether they are male or female.

If it is pleasing to you, then it is great that she wants you to be there and be a part of that experience.

Usually it's females asking the question but I will tell you the same thing I tell them - she comes home to you, right? She loves you...but she also can feel attraction toward another woman.

I once tried to date a couple and although they were both sweethearts, it was too much for me. However, as long as there is open, honest communication between everyone involved with an understanding of what people want in the relationship, everyone feels respected and mature/secure in their own identity - it can work - or so I have heard others say.

Being bisexual really is kind of a pain some times, it isn't always as simple as "double your chances for a date on Saturday night". The pain comes when you honestly don't believe that bisexuality exists. For years I tried to convince myself whether I was gay or straight. I didn't care which one, but I wanted to know "for sure" because I didn't think it would be fair to go get married and have a wife and children only to decide much later that I was "gay".

It really threw me for a loop when I would watch the sausage, be all about the sausage for a week - to the point where I thought I was sure I was gay. Then see a woman pleasuring herself in a video and be just as aroused. It really screwed with my head, until I finally started to see that there is truth it the idea that nothing in nature is completely black -or- white. There is a whole spectrum of both romantic and physical attraction...and it is fine - as long a you give yourself permission to be that way. It really can bother people if they feel insecure or shame or guilt around their sexual identity.

Of course what you feel you can accept in your relationship is up to you, but I am glad that you can be so supportive of your wife and reassure her that you love her for who she is, that is wonderful..

[Long Duck Dong]

confused or just not really needing the * box to fit into *

while the term would be bisexual, applying the label may do more harm than good because of the * expectations * of being a bisexual person.......

it actually sounds like your partner is gender blind.... it means that the gender of the person does not matter to them.. they see the other person as a person they are attracted to and have feelings for instead of seeing another female that they are attracted to and when they try to think about a female they do not feel a attraction to, they do see a female and feel no interest, desire or attraction........ its something that can be very hard to explain and understand but makes prefect sense to a gender blind person.....

a simple way to think about it.... you see your female partner with their gf and you, your partner sees the two people they love dearly and desire....

when we talk about being bisexual, a lot of the time, its talked about as a physical aspect, the interest in sex and genitalia..... some people are emotional and mental bisexuals, they are attracted to the personality and qualities of a person, the sexual interaction is a extension of that but its a struggle at times to focus on the genitalia and feel a interest and attraction based around sex and sexual interaction... thats a common aspect of gender blind bisexuals.....

while your partner appears as bisexual ( male and female ), they may be pansexual ( male / female / intersex / trans )... its one of those aspects that is really hard to tell with gender blind people as they do not tend to break people down into gender aspects or potential sex partners )

be careful with trying to encourage her to have sex with other females, it may not be the sexual aspect that interests your partner but the emotional and mental aspects that they enjoy....and while that can make it harder to find others that may share the same interests,.... you both do understand how that level and type of attraction can be more intense then a casual night in bed with a friend....

[pole_smoker]

Zero. My wife is bi with a preference for women so I am locked in chastity 24/7. I do get to cum a few times a year when she is Jon the mood for a man. True.

You're the guy that posted about how your wife doesn't have sex with you at all but allows you to jerk off maybe once a year or a few times a year; but then the rest of the time she has sex with a female fuck buddy/side piece. It sounds based on what you wrote about your wife and how she's not into having sex with you really that much at all that she's actually lesbian.

No woman that's actually bisexual, or who is actually sexually attracted to men and really loves a man would when she's still able to have sex even in older age not have sex with her husband and only engage in mutual masturbation with a man only a few times a year, or would be all head over heels for a woman, but clearly just not sexually or really romantically interested in men or the male sex.

In cases such as yours where a hetero guy marries a lesbian, it's best if you just divorce and move on like you were going to do when her side piece/female fuck buddy dumped her.

[elian]

Well, I don't know the age of your wife, but I have heard a lot of men say that as their wife gets older the sex drive goes down. I can't say if that is typical or not because I would have about 30 or more years of living and a wife to marry before I would be able to find out. Not to insult anybody but since this is a bisexual themed website the responses I hear might be skewed by men who are wishing that their wives were more sexually active (toward them).

That's not necessarily a bad wish, hopefully you can communicate your desires with your wife..

I can only take what you say on face value - I know that for me it's not lack of sex drive but certain people that I am attracted to - that I feel comfortable with, not necessarily just everyone who has a penis or vagina.

[married2bif]

You're the guy that posted about how your wife doesn't have sex with you at all but allows you to jerk off maybe once a year or a few times a year; but then the rest of the time she has sex with a female fuck buddy/side piece. It sounds based on what you wrote about your wife and how she's not into having sex with you really that much at all that she's actually lesbian.

No woman that's actually bisexual, or who is actually sexually attracted to men and really loves a man would when she's still able to have sex even in older age not have sex with her husband and only engage in mutual masturbation with a man only a few times a year, or would be all head over heels for a woman, but clearly just not sexually or really romantically interested in men or the male sex.

In cases such as yours where a hetero guy marries a lesbian, it's best if you just divorce and move on like you were going to do when her side piece/female fuck buddy dumped her.

Not quite right. Currently I am locked in a chastity device and have orgasms every few months. That does not mean we do not have sex. We have sex a few times a week; just that I do not get the 10 seconds of orgasm. All the other stuff is good though. That is a common misconception about chastity. Celibacy is no sex, chastity is no orgasm. I asked for chastity because we needed a new kink to fit our lower libidos in old age. Problem is that she is now having more orgasms with more intensity than she has in the last 10 years. I do it for her because it sexually excites her to control my penis. I could cum 5 times a day if she let me. :)

My wife and I had a lot of sex throughout the years, just not intercourse. A combination of medical and other problems was the cause of that initially. Then she just got used to not having it because she only gets orgasms from clitoral stimulation. I can make her cum in under 30 seconds and cum again and again every 30 seconds until she cannot take it anymore due to the intensity. With intercourse it takes her much longer and is not enjoyable due to some medical issues and pain.

[married2bif]

Thanks for the very good posts. I think one of you hit it on the head when you said she does not consider gender. She has told me that she can fall in love with a person, not their gender. She cannot picture herself having sex with a woman and yet she has a few thousand times. My wife needs to have deep feelings for someone before she has sex with them. Call her old fashioned but she was a virgin at 20. We tried her with another guy just so she could see what it was like but she hated it. She likes to make love, not have sex. So her feelings about sex with others extends to both genders.

There are also deep seated moral issues about sex with the same gender which affects how she views herself. She knows that I do not care what her sexual preferences are but was just curious about how she viewed herself. Like with most sexual things, she does not think about it because she was raised not to do the things we do. :) She also cannot conceive of having sex with anyone else without me there. That I think is because she can view it as just part of sex with me rather than "lesbian" sex. When we got married, bisexuality was not accepted as a valid sexual orientation by society and even the gay/lesbian community. If you had sex with another women, you were a lesbian. If you were married to a man, you were in the closet. Two of my female cousins married men who turned out to be gay. Back then, being gay/lesbian was a career killer and a good chance that you would be rejected by your family. So there is that upbring also at play.

It really does not matter to me. We have been married over 40 years and has always had a hall pass to date whomever she wants, but she does not want to. I asked her recently if she ever wanted to see me with a man? She said no emphatically. Yet her gf always was asking me to do that. At this stage of my life I probably would try it in a MMF threesome if the other guy was submissive. :) What she wants now is a woman to join us in bed for starters. She will not go out and find one though. We have a Rainbow organization here with monthly get togethers and she will not go. She is so afraid of people learning about her sexuality which harkens back to the old days.

Once again, thanks for the well thought out posts and hopefully you all learned a little about chastity as it is done in real life versus the fantasy stuff with dominatrices, you read online. :) I hope that I at least got my wife thinking but even if she doesn't give it another thought, that is good too. We all are what we are. I seem to be drawn to non straight people. Three serious girlfriends in my life, first is now married to a woman, second is bi and third is my wife. Before that I selected my Confirmation godfather, who turned out to be gay. My best friend in High School for one year is gay. I did not know that he thought of me as his boyfriend but found that out when he threw a drink in my face when I was flirting with a girl at his pool party. Our friends in the last place we lived were a lesbian couple and a few couples into swinging with bi wives. Heck, I do not know how to live with straight people. I always was the straight guy in the group who did not care what your sexual preference was. I too do not select my friends based on their sexuality. In that, my wife and I are the same.

[elian]

Wow, I didn't realize that there were so many "open" folks in Central FL - of course I dated a couple there for a short time, so maybe I should have. Sadly since the relationship was long distance it did not last, but they were both sweethearts.

It can be hard to get rid of the stigma associated with "non-traditional" sexual orientation. From your wife's perspective I don't know whether she would call it "bisexual" or not. If you are both old enough IMO it doesn't matter.

My experience is that if God didn't want me here as I am, I wouldn't be here to write this right now. I grew up in a rural county and I knew very well what my family, mentors and friends all thought of gay people. I didn't dare tell any of them, the only place I felt I could confide in was the divine..God loved me unconditionally. I personally feel that God knows the difference between a lustful relationship and a loving committed relationship..regardless of the gender of the participants.

If you do it in love, and you are careful with the participants to treat everyone with respect, maybe it's not so bad? Juggling morality must be fun. I guess a lot of people wouldn't even consider what I am saying, but I do think maybe it's possible.

..anyway, good luck, thanks for sharing.

[pole_smoker]

Wow, I didn't realize that there were so many "open" folks in Central FL - of course I dated a couple there for a short time, so maybe I should have. Sadly since the relationship was long distance it did not last, but they were both sweethearts.

It can be hard to get rid of the stigma associated with "non-traditional" sexual orientation. From your wife's perspective I don't know whether she would call it "bisexual" or not. If you are both old enough IMO it doesn't matter.

My experience is that if God didn't want me here as I am, I wouldn't be here to write this right now. I grew up in a rural county and I knew very well what my family, mentors and friends all thought of gay people. I didn't dare tell any of them, the only place I felt I could confide in was the divine..God loved me unconditionally. I personally feel that God knows the difference between a lustful relationship and a loving committed relationship..regardless of the gender of the participants.

If you do it in love, and you are careful with the participants to treat everyone with respect, maybe it's not so bad? Juggling morality must be fun. I guess a lot of people wouldn't even consider what I am saying, but I do think maybe it's possible.

..anyway, good luck, thanks for sharing.
Internet "dating" is not an actual relationship or really dating anyone at all.

[elian]

I was actually in Florida, and they were actually here, but it was not sustainable in the long term. At the time, I needed that experience in my life so I could know for sure I truly love both genders.