I made a mistake...

[cailindana]

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all well! Firstly I have to admit that I've done a terrible thing. I'm a bi-sexual girl from Ireland who married a girl last year (it's called a civil partnership here). I had some doubts before I got married, well because I am quite attracted to men still and my wife has a very low libido. However, I love her very much and I am very happy with our relationship, aside from the sexual side of things. I've cheated on previous boyfriends so I know I have an issue with cheating when I drink too much (and sometimes I do drink until I black out).

Before the wedding I was getting more and more anxious about never being with a man again and I got very drunk at a party and ended up kissing two girls and a guy. I couldn't remember it but I was told the next day. I felt so terrible but I told myself that I just cannot drink that much anymore and that I can never do anything like that again. I have a problem with my self-esteem and so I feed off of men finding me attractive, coupled with a high sex drive and a wife who doesn't have an interest in having sex more than once every two months and it is a recipe for disaster.

I know I did a terrible thing, I know that it is all my fault but I just don't know what to do. I have a high sex drive and my wife never initiates sex, if we do have sex it is because I instigated it after waiting weeks on end, usually about 2 months for her to do something. I don't feel attractive or desired by her and I think that's why I ended up getting drunk and sleeping with a friend of mine a few weeks ago.

I've always been attracted to him so I've always tried to watch what I drink around him but my wife had to go away on business and he had already asked if he could visit so I said he could. Anyway we ended up having sex. For days afterwards I felt consumed with guilt and I battled with myself about whether to tell her or not. I have decided not to but now I think it could only be a matter of time before I do something like this again. I also don't know how to put this behind me and not think about it anymore. I never want to do it again, it would crush her if she knew, but I enjoyed having sex with him and I miss it. I am so confused and I don't know what to do. I am so sorry for the long post.

[MtnMan]

First, I think many couples face the problem of unequal sex drives--no matter which direction it's headed. you probably need to come out in the open with your wife if she hasn't picked up on it already. Love and sex always get entangled, and most of us throw one of them at the other from time to time. Talk to her. See what her thoughts are on. Masturbate beside her and tell her you need to have sex in some form often. She might help the two of you decide what to do about it.

[Bellonya]

Hi!
I'm gonna tell you my experience, maybe it can help you: I'm a straight girl, but my bf is bisexual. He has always needed both girls and boys in his life, and at first it was torture for him, because whilist being with me, he felt urges all the time of being with boys, as well as guilt and feeling like being bi was a curse.
Six months into the relationship, he couldn't take it anymore and talked to me, fearing that it would mean our break up... We discussed it, and we slowly -very slowly- turned our relationship into an open one. Slowly because it started with him only kissing boys, then having sex, and now we are discussing a poly with a boy he has fell in love with.
Before he is with a boy, he always ask for my permission, so if I'm having an awful day, I can ask him not to do it, so it doesn't affect me. Yes, it is hard sometimes, and it does affect my selfesteem, but I love him, and I know that is what he needs.

Now to your situation: You might have to talk to her, not tell her what you did, but talk about your needs as a person. You deserve to be happy, and maybe that happiness comes with being with both boys and girls, and that's okay. I know you feel badly, and I certanly don't encourage cheating, but at this point, the best thing you can do is talk to her about what's happening to you, your strugles, and how's affecting your general well being.
I understood what happened to my boyfriend completely, only after he was crying on my chest, telling me how much he wished he could change. I know it's difficult and scary to talk these things, and there's a fear of rejection, but it's the best you can do. If not, you'll end up being unhappy, and so will she.
I do wish you the best of luck!

[tenni]

I think that the others have given you some good advice but the factor that stands out to me is the drinking. If drinking alcohol impacts your behaviour to the extent of blacking out and sex, it may be a good idea to look into that. It may be Alcoholics Annonymous (suspect that they have that in Ireland) or some one on one therapy.

As far as the difference in libidos and sexuality, I agree that you need to talk to your wife. You don't need to disclose the slip to her. Is your wife gay or bi? Here sexuality may affect her readiness to understand. (not sure if she has low libido though) If you did not discuss your sexuality with her before you were married, you should first acknowledge that your sexual appetite is not going to be met by your wife alone. She may need a physical to see if something medical is in play. Perhaps discussing the differences in libido and your attraction to men needs to be shared with her or both of you with a pro bisexual counsellor.I don't think that this is going away on its own. Good luck.

[cailindana]

I want to thank the three of you for your replies. They were kind and non-judgmental and they have given me some very good pointers. Mtnman, we definitely have very different libidos, mine being higher than average and hers being very low. We have discussed this problem quite a few times, well I have tried to discuss it with her anyway. She promises to make more of an effort but nothing really changes.

Thank you so much for your input Bellonya, I know it must be difficult for you at times with your boyfriend and he is a lucky guy that you understand his needs. I am thinking of discussing with my wife the possibility that perhaps I could occasionally sleep with men, just every once in a while to stop the urges. I'm just so afraid of her reaction, I know she will be so hurt. I need to do something though, because otherwise I will slip up again some time in the future. Thank you very much for your reply too Tenni. You are right in that I do have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, I don't drink often but when I do then I drink to excess.

I have decided to start seeing a counsellor to discuss all of these problems and see where to go from there. I have also decided to have a talk with my wife and explain to her the seriousness of our mismatched libidos and see if we can do anything to change that. I have spoken with her about this many times before but I don't think she realises that this could be a deal breaker for me, that it is serious, so I need to explain to her that I am tempted by men. I am not sure if I am tempted because I am bi or because I am not fulfilled with our sex life so I need to explore that first.

I am hoping that it is just because I am not fulfilled but I suspect that I just miss having sex with men and I am so worried about her rejecting me if I suggest an open relationship. I am also worried that this could open a whole can of worms and our relationship will never recover. Thank you again for your help and your input, it really helps to talk to other people about this.

[Bellonya]

Talking is always scary, but the fact that you are willing to do it and try and explain is something very valuable. Most people would just hide and cheat and creating a separe life, so you should feel good with yourself. You are trying to reach an agreement that would satisfy you and ensure that your wife is still happy :)
As regars her, if after you talk to her, she is feeling doubts, or rejection, or that you may not love her anymore, please suggest her coming here. I'm not the only "monogamous" person in an open relationship, and we can all guide her and help her understand that you haven't stopped loving her.
A word of advice, I don't know her, or you, or the relationship, but it could be good if after you spend some time with men, you did something nice for her, as little reminders that she's still Nº 1.
Best of luck, I'll talk with my bf later and see if he can advice you on how to start the conversation!

[centillini]

First i feel your pain. My wife libido is way down and i am in same boat as you. I have had safe clean relations on the side. Like you felt quilty. I have tried to discuss the physical frustration with wife but she will not talk about it. My opi ion is i love her and will stay. Life however is short and i am going to live it to fullest. As long as clean, safe, consentuL. one other thing i learned hard way and it appears you are headed down thT road. I will not make a sexual decision when drinking. Either do that or control drinking

[tenni]

Cailindna

I think that you are making some sound decisions. I hope that you are able to communicate your needs to your wife and maybe she can attend some sessions with you. Let us know how things are going.

[cailindana]

Hello again everyone and thanks again for your advice and support. I'm sorry to drag up an old thread but I just wanted to update you since you were so kind. Well I spoke to my wife a few weeks ago about how I was worried that I might be tempted by men if we didn't improve our sex life and that this was a serious issue. She understood and she felt guilty that this had been an issue for me for so long. I was surprised by how enthusiastic she was and we agreed to have a weekly date night which we haven't missed and the sex has been incredible (sorry if that is tmi).

It isn't spontaneous but at least we stick to a weekly date night so it is definitely an improvement. Though everything went absolutely to shit last week as we went to a wedding and once again I got incredibly drunk and this time I ended up kissing a guy on the dancefloor while my wife was there. I don't remember it but I do remember my friend getting very angry with me for doing such a thing and then I felt so terrible that I just admitted everything to my wife, about how I slept with our friend a couple of months ago. She was so hurt, especially because he is a friend. Since then, we have been trying to work on things and my wife has been so kind and understanding (which I don't deserve) and we really do want our relationship to work. I have made an appointment with a psychologist to deal with my issues and my drinking and I have promised not to drink spirits again. I trust myself sober but not drunk and neither does my wife.

Since we were being honest I asked her if she would consider letting me sleep with men sometimes, to get rid of the urges but she said she couldn't do that which I do understand. So now I feel a bit stuck. I know that I love her and want to be with her and I am hoping that us having regular sex will solve my urges but deep down I think I know that I still crave sex with men and I really do not want to cheat on her but I don't know how to live without it for the rest of my life. Sorry for such a long post and thank you so much for your help.

[tenni]

Thanks for sharing and updating. Many of us (bisexual) who are in a monogamous relationship experience your struggle and so it is appreciated to read about how another bisexual is dealing with these issues. You are right about the role of alcohol. I hope that your counsellor is bisexual sensitive to these bisexual issues. I went to a therapist once that advertised that they were GLBT sensitive. I found the reality was that they were not aware of bisexuality issues at all. They were however open and accepting. I basically educated them a bit about bisexuality. I discovered that there were other factors impacting my life and in some respect how I dealt with my sexuality. I interacted differently with women than how I interacted with men both sexually and emotionally. Good fortune in your journey.

[Mike2922]

Wow...you got some very good advice.
You have to see this reaccuring alcohol issue that keeps coming up over and over again. Focus on this problem and I feel all the other issues will be a lot more manageable. Its tuff but seek out the support of those who really care about you like your spouse...you'll find true friends and people who really love you want to be there for you...that being said...any guy friend who has sex with you, when your drunk, knows your married and not in an open relationship, really needs to be re evaluated...its possible he's not a true friend a friend as you think

[larrywilldo]

I would look at your drinking. Regardless how you resolve your differences with your wife.

You have natural desires for a man. She doesn't. Is it a match?

[pole_smoker]

Since we were being honest I asked her if she would consider letting me sleep with men sometimes, to get rid of the urges but she said she couldn't do that which I do understand. So now I feel a bit stuck. I know that I love her and want to be with her and I am hoping that us having regular sex will solve my urges but deep down I think I know that I still crave sex with men and I really do not want to cheat on her but I don't know how to live without it for the rest of my life. Sorry for such a long post and thank you so much for your help.

Since you can't be in a monogamous relationship with a woman or your wife, and are just going to cheat on her get a divorce and get involved with a man instead.

You also posted how before you got married you had cold feet or second thoughts about getting married, and then went ahead and got married, and discovered that you are into cheating on your wife, and don't want a monogamous relationship with a woman.

[tenni]

bump up due to trolling action