Let someone go for his own good ?

[Haemoglobin]

As many of you know i am living together with someone .
Right now there are quite a few problems in our relationship and im thinking about leting him go for his own good .

At the moment im studying and im not working , normally that wouldnt be
a probl . but right now there are so many things i would need and also
we together could use some more money .
Hes been crying about that he cant give me what i need , though this thing
would be very important to me(dont wanna explain why) .
I told him many times not to get a headache over it and i said i would
solve my stuff on my own , though i have no idea how , i didnt want to put more pressure on him than needed .

Im not sure , sometimes money can make everything bad despite all the sayings "money isnt everything" . Its not the only reason why i think i might be bad for him but it is the very biggest one .

Did ever anyone experience smth like that ? That you loved someone and that person meant so much to you and still you knew it would apart from the heardache be easier to seperate ?
Did anyone actually do it that way and went away happier , or is there someone who says to let go just cause of money issues isnt the right thing ?

Guess it , i dont wanna leave . I only dont want him to worry about me anymore and i know he does cause he must love me more than his own life .
Anyone a tip what to do . (Please no suggestions about , stop studying and stuff like that.. thats not helpful)

[wildangel]

I can speak only from my experience, but I will try to get my husband on to give you his version.

This is about 85% the exact same situation I was in when I first moved in with my husband (we weren't married yet, though). We were both working 40+ hours a week and I was attempting to take a class or two a semester as well to continue trying to get a degree. At the time I had a one-year-old who consumed a lot of time, energy, and money. Neither of us was working for more than $7/hour (for you non-American $7.00 is equals to the cost of a McDonald's dinner for two here) and we didn't even have any luxuries (cable/satellite, cell phone, etc.). With rent, phone, utilities, childcare, gas, and food. There was nothing we could cut out to stretch our budget and with the small child we couldn't afford to pay a babysitter so either of us could get a second job (my husband worked nights).

It was really stressing my husband out. He was never happy. He cried a lot. He spent more time in bed than out of it and eventually quit his job because he was so miserable with his entire life. I should insert here that all of this was his choice. My son isn't his blood child. He moved in with me because he knew I couldn't manage on my own. Once a week, we would fight and argue over how miserable we were and how we couldn't keep living off of the credit cards. At the end of those conversations, was always the statement "I think I should move out." I always managed to talk him out of it. Mostly for my own selfishness. My son and I couldn't pay the bills without him and I loved him too much to live without him. I knew if he moved out, I would have to quit school, get a second job, and would never get to see him. Eventually we work break up.

Since this has gotten entirely too long, I'll shorten it. Life is tough. Sometimes you have to prioritize. Maybe your situation isn't as dire. Maybe you two could manage your finances alone. Maybe your feelings are as strong for him. But it was almost three years ago that my husband and I contemplated splitting our household. You may have noticed that I call him my husband now. We got through our troubles and got married in September of last year. Maybe fate is just testing you to see if you'll stick together through thick and thin. My husband and I are inseparable. I couldn't live without him now anymore than I could have three years ago.

My best advice is to figure out how committed you are to this fellow. I don't think time has anything to do with how committed you are either. My husband and I had only known each other two or three months when we moved in together. Just look through all of the bs to the heart of your household. Do you complement each other (by complement I mean like eggs and bacon, not like 'my you look nice today')? If he's worth sticking to it for the long haul, sit him down and talk about it. See if he's willing to do the same. Either way, you've got your answer. Then, maybe you can sit down and figure out how you can minimize your budget. Maybe buy generic food, get only basic phone service, and cut back on the extravagances (going out to eat, going to the movies, getting rid of cable/satellite, etc.)

I hope all this helped.

GOOD LUCK! :grouphug:

[taz67156]

Hey Haemoglobin,
I can see how your not sure what to do cause from what I just read it seems to me like to still care alot about him but if you let him go cause of not having enough money then that is honestly the wrong reason to call it quites we all have money problems, like me I live on a fixed income and have to make my money last all month and be able to pay for everything that I need.

So if you decide to let him go just make sure its for the right reason and not the wrong one trust your heart it will tell you whats right for you to do and know that you have friends here to help you for when your down.

taz67156

[tink1978]

Life is hard and it is harder when two people are trying to make it work. If money is your only issue then you have it made in the shade. Look at how much is coming in and work with what you have. When my husband and I got together I was not working and pregnant with our first child. We/He made less than $5.00 an hour talk about tight. but we worked through it and made due with what we had. I love him no matter how much we have or don't. Yes money is very necessary but it is not every thing. You may also want to remind him that when you get done with school the money thing will be a distant memory.

Hang in there if you were ment to be every thing will be ok.

Tink

[jedinudist]

We went through some really tight times financially, but we stuck it out. Yes, lack of funds can be one hell of a burden, but it couldn't conquer our love for one another.

But, it took the both of us having the same attitude of "I Love you no matter how much or how little we have. We will be fine and we'll find a way around $ problems" to get where we are now.

Where are we?

Incredily Happy. :)

We wish the same for you

Blessed Be~

[Haemoglobin]

Thanks for all your storys and posts . . I share lots of opinions about that topic with all of you guys .

If i talk for myself then id say i can go through that time now with less money and just cut down a little and once i finish school all this is over , ill work again and we'll have more money .

But its really no selfish reason or anything why i was thinking about letting him out of this relationship by moving out of the appartment myself .
We did sit down already many times because he was upset and i asked him what it is and he started to become very depressed and told me its the money thing .
Everything in his head is about things , is about money because he thinks he shoud be able to afford more stuff and by me this and by us that .. only stupid somehow .

But there is one thing , i already mentioned in the 1. post , which will/would cost us more money now and its because of me. Its a medical thing which is also why we cant come arround it . My family wont give me money for that and so i thought if i shall have big problems because i cant afford to pay for myself alone he must not be there to watch it , cause honestly im very upset about that myself and im only still makin the happy face for him .

Point of all is that i can do it together with him yes ,but im not sure about him though he says he loves me more than life, and thats surely true . I know he wants me to stay and i also know he will fall into a whole when im gone , but i wonder what will be more painful , to have some money problem and a girl whos upset or beeing alone , having money and heartache and im not sure which ones worth.

In the end i guess i gotta make my decision myself , but its just to hard and maybe i cant even take the right one cause im too selfish and will stay together with him for the love. :(

[DJ Triad]

Everything in his head is about things , is about money because he thinks he shoud be able to afford more stuff and by me this and by us that .. only stupid somehow.

In the end i guess i gotta make my decision myself , but its just to hard and maybe i cant even take the right one cause im too selfish and will stay together with him for the love. :(

I don't think you're too selfish to want to stay with someone you truly love. Besides, money can't ever BUY love. In the end, all that really counts is the love that you have for each other. Hang in there, wishing you two the best.

[Haemoglobin]

Short and true.. thank you for your post .. i think youre right .
Im in it for the love so i should hang in there .. :rolleyes: :(

[WestTennBiGuy]

I guess I'm kinda old fashion on this topic. I have been married several times, but money was never the issue of our seperations or divorces.

Right now I am married to a great lady. I am Unemployed alot. Money can/is an issue at times, but we know we will get through our bad times because we've had times that were worse.

When we got married we spoke some words that most couples today seem to forget, "FOR RICHER OR POORER, & FOR BETTER OR WORSE, THROUGH SICKNESS & HEALTH". If more people would try their best to follow through on their comittments to each other & practice their vows, things would be better.

I am madly in love with my wife, we have our differances/ arguments, but we also made a committment to each other that gets us through our bad times:
We have a little thing we do, we promised each other when we first got married that if we got into fights/arguments that we had to KISS each other no matter how mad we were. We keep to this no matter what. And believe me it has gotten us through some serious times. We can't stay pissed at someone too long kissing them ;) .

If physical abuse is present my comments are very differant than this, but I don't see where this is involed in this topic.

My sugestion on your problem here is not to let money be an issue in a relationship. We never get too old to go back to school in better times, and pick back up where we left off. But can we get our relationship that might have been then best thing we ever had back?

My :2cents: Worth

Rob

[Nara_lovely]

I'm wondering: are you wanting to let him go for his needs, or to lighten your load?

It's a strange emotion...love someone so much you want them to go.
It's a tough time, and so much on individual plates. Now combining each other's emotions and taking them within yourself too...arrrgggh stress! Add money and study and..and..and...life.

Talking and sharing...how does such a simple act become so valuable and rewarding? Working together does make it easier...even if the solution is baffling and elusive.

Hang in there if there is love, genuine real love. You'll make it!!!

[Haemoglobin]

:
We have a little thing we do, we promised each other when we first got married that if we got into fights/arguments that we had to KISS each other no matter how mad we were. We keep to this no matter what.

the funny thing is me and my man said the exactly same thing , that we would kiss and hug anytime we are angry .
But then i only remember 3 times when we really were mad at each other and it showed . Once he left the appartment for a walk and once he slamed one door .And once i didnt let him go outside , instead we cried a bit , i blocked the door to kiss him and say im sorry a hundred times over and over again.
There were no bad arguments where we called each other bad stuff and threw things at each other or shouted uselessly . We , even if some say its not possible , never quarrel . I remember normal talks that took some time where we both said what we felt but later on we hugged and made love and things were fine again :tongue:

Nara ,,, you said : "I'm wondering: are you wanting to let him go for his needs, or to lighten your load?"

For his needs , so that he doesnt need to worry about money anymore and its not my load that would lighten , it would get harder when i let him go - but i think after all that has been said i also think that love should matter more , and thats the reason i opened this tread , you know , cause i love him so much and i want him to be happy and not carry lots of moneyprobl. all the time ... well , hes my man , think im gonna keep him... dunno , im still so sad for him..

Now he's planning smth for our anniversary and i think its going to cost him money again , but even though i told him , lets just get a pizza and watch a movie he said he'll manage it somehow .


:( sure , i wouldnt be unhappy about smth cool , but if that means hes broke after... hmh .

[Boogie2u]

I just want to say that the subject of money will always come between people in relationships and is the thing everyone gets stressed about, argues about and sometimes split up about. So in some respect this situation is normal, your not alone. All i can give you is my way to combat this.... music and art is free....and often much more satisfying and romantic than cash! start looking for the 'small good things in life' for they are often 100 times more beautiful than we can ever imagine, we just have to look for them. The best things in life are free and i can see you have a large heart, i can only suggest you both lose yourselves in love , art and music....oh and buy a lottery ticket like every other mug! (me included!) take care of each other xxxx

[Haemoglobin]

@boogie... you said "ooking for the 'small good things in life' for they are often 100 times more beautiful than we can ever imagine, we just have to look for them. The best things in life are free" ...

and i agree.. but then after some time you run out of ideas you know .
Once youve spend a long time together the little things to do get less ,everything repeats itself you know. If its a movie and a pizza which is cheap for example you get bored of it as well when done once a week , you know what i mean . Only a wierd example but still . . .

With that said .. what do you people do with your partners.. cheap or not cheap (but preverably cheap) .. give some ideas.. tell me what youre doing yourself.

[taz67156]

if your looking for things to do that are cheap and/or free how about bike riding, walking around the park or even finding a good movie on tv? thats some of the things I do with really low on money and at times I even play a card game just for something to do.

taz67156

[Boogie2u]

mmm free stuff:
1 excercise....often for me leads to 2 due to raising testosterone levels, feeling good n sweaty
2 lots of naughty sex
3 walking
4 listening to music, dancing...
5 writing poetry or a journal, or getting creative and writing a book together
6 playing chess....good for the strategic brain
7 painting
8 art galleries....very stimulating
9 acting really silly in a supermarket when you have to shop for food
10 nude cleaning, always gets a laugh
11 naked star jumps, definately gets a laugh!
12 not speaking, comfortable silences....
13 one look, love
14 joining a local theatre group....wonderful for those who like to make an idiot out of themselves (lol like me!)
15 learning to play a musical instrument
16 learning a language
17 learning!!! ....never stop learning together
18 cooking....ok it can cost a bit...but you have to eat!
19 cuddle...........this is so important
20 see if there is anyone in your local community you can help
21 make a list like this....passes the time

i think this list could go on and on....but sometimes life can be mundane....money wont stop this happening....i know people with money that hate there dull lives.....its not money its what you do with the time thats given to you....make life colourful

[Haemoglobin]

Well lots of the stuff you people said me and my guy already do . But sometimes it feels that one need to go outside more and do smth.

Today we're going into town , cause i got smth to do at my school concerning my studies ,, and we decided to go there with bikes . Takes us about half an hour , will be good though . Ive eaten some sweets in the past week , time to get them off my hips .. :) :)

[PeterH]

Hi Haemo,

I'm not really good at this sort of thing, but I felt I had something to say, so here goes.

It seems to me that you have a good relationship - living under pressure, yet still doing fine, never any arguments... I envy you! So why break up something that is really good???

Also, I don't think it is good to make decisions for someone else. If your boyfriend loves you, he wants to be with you. Being alone, but having more money to spend won't make him happier. Doesn't he say he wants more money, to buy things for you??? So why would he need more money if he were single again???

So what is the real problem??
It seems to me that you feel guilty that you seem to cause you boyfriend financial hardship, and he feels guilty that he's not making your life better financially. But really you can accept not having much money for now because you want to finish your studies quick, and he only wishes he had more money to spend it on you.
So, stop feeling guilty, be happy and grateful that you love each other so much and want to take both the good and the bad times. You both know your money problems are only temporary.

And your own feelings of guilt? Discuss them with your boyfriend. I think he'll tell you exactly what I wrote in the above. He knows that you want to keep studying to get your degree faster, rather than work a job now, and he has fully accepted it.

What to do about his feelings of guilt? It seems to me that your boyfriend feels he isn't doing enough for you, and that that's because of lack of money. You feel differently. You might want to tell you what specific things he does that make you happy, feel taken care of. It's important for guys to feel that they can take care of their girlfriend.
So I think money is not the real issue, it's the issue that he needs to feel he takes good enough care of you. As you said, that is not determined by money. You don't feel he needs to buy you more stuff.
I think if you stop feeling guilty, and instead are grateful to him for sticking with you through this with you now you're tight on money, would make him much happier. He is taking care of you, since he is helping you to get your degree faster, which is more important to you rtight now than some expensive gifts.

I hope this helps a bit. I think you have a great relationship going. I wish you two all the best of luck,

PeterH

[Haemoglobin]

its almost wierd..but i think you did describe my situations and feelings better than i did myself :eek:
and you are of great help because of it .

I wish YOU luck , youre a smart person :cool: Ill think about my feelings some more and then will sit him down for a talk again..thx :three:

[Avocado]

The best thing for him is for him to be happy. If being with you makes him happy, then stay with him.

[Azrael]

I had many people advise me against ending my last relationship, which I ignored. If you love the guy and he loves you it's worth working out, I think.