NY Times ariticle on married gay men.

[DiamondDog]

Here's a link to a good NY Times article that a friend sent me on married gay men. I have no idea why it's in the Fashion and Style section. :rolleyes:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/03/fashion/03marriage_bg.html?ex=1155268800&en=90e372f59e60ceb2&ei=5070&emc=eta1

[JohnnyV]

I had read this article and was thinking of posting it on the forum! Smart minds think alike. :)

The article gives some good info but, like so much mainstream media, it is muddled because it never explains what "gay" and "bisexual" mean in the context of these men's sex lives. I think the author is mostly sympathetic to a gay agenda which dictates that men who have sex with men can never stay married and make it work.

I have learned to stop listening to the figures and pronouncements in such articles. If I listen to them, I'll convince myself that I have to leave my wife or something. When in reality, my life is just fine as it is.

Don't believe everything you read!

J

[glantern954]

I think we are exactly on the same page here. Some decent comments, and they did at least bother to mention the word bisexual. This is about gay men though. The overwhelming message here seems to be, if you are attracted to men you can't be with a woman even if you love her. This of course contradicts how many of us feel.



I had read this article and was thinking of posting it on the forum! Smart minds think alike. :)

The article gives some good info but, like so much mainstream media, it is muddled because it never explains what "gay" and "bisexual" mean in the context of these men's sex lives. I think the author is mostly sympathetic to a gay agenda which dictates that men who have sex with men can never stay married and make it work.

I have learned to stop listening to the figures and pronouncements in such articles. If I listen to them, I'll convince myself that I have to leave my wife or something. When in reality, my life is just fine as it is.

Don't believe everything you read!

J

[gentlepen9]

I found this article rather interesting but it made me wonder if these men still love their wives and want to be with them as well as with a man then can they really be called gay?

[Driver 8]

I think the sneaky part is here:

"the percentage of gay men who had ever been married could be as high as 38 percent — or as low as 9 percent — depending on whether respondents were asked their sexual orientation, whom they had sex with or whom they found attractive."

The following paragraph goes on to make it clear that bisexual men are included in the numbers they've been tossing around.

So ... even though the opening paragraphs are clearly about gay men who've married women, either the reporter or his sources seem to be puffing the numbers by including bisexual men. And the reporter might not have this story - "the number of such marriages is very high" - without including bi men.

I don't know if what's going on is the usual carelessness about bisexuals, the assumption that bi men are really gay, or what, but I think it hurts the story. Many, probably most, bi men can have a happy mutual romantic relationship with a woman; it's perfectly reasonable for bi men to marry women. Far, far fewer gay men can do the same.

I also find it interesting that the only wife interviewed is adamantly against these men staying married. Couldn't the reporter have found even one wife from one of these relationships where the couple is trying to work things out?

[anne27]

As the wife of a bisexual man, these sort of articles just piss me off. My hubby is no more gay than I am a lesbian. I am betting the majority of the 'gay' men the article talked about are in fact bi by most standards.

Why is it you hardly ever see the opposite sort of article with bisexual women made the villain?

[Driver 8]

Why is it you hardly ever see the opposite sort of article with bisexual women made the villain?
Why is it you hardly ever see serious journalism about bi women, even when it's as flawed as this? I can't remember the last time I saw an article about bi women that wasn't about "women are kissing in bars to turn guys on, isn't that hot?"

I think there are a lot of factors that keep us from seeing the other side of this. One of them, I suspect, is that there's such a perception that a man will be turned on by having a bisexual wife that it doesn't occur to anyone that there's a story there. There's such a stereotype that for a straight man, a bisexual woman is pretty much a sex toy; but for a straight woman, a bisexual man is damaged goods.

[DiamondDog]

There's such a stereotype that for a straight man, a bisexual woman is pretty much a sex toy; but for a straight woman, a bisexual man is damaged goods.

Don't forget, lots of gay/bi men see bi men as live sex toys. I have seen posts and profiles by bi men on the site here that are like this. Also in the bar scene I've had gay couples try to pick me up, and it's one thing if we're friends; but a lot of them just want a live sex toy or fun for one night before they ignore you.

I also agree with you that most het women see a bi man as "damaged goods", even my mom who is het told me that since she said how lots of het women will think that there's something wrong with them since their bf/husband/lover wants men too, or that they're not "egnough" for a bi man.

[Driver 8]

Here's a letter in response (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/10/opinion/l10spouse.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin) - intriguingly, the author has written about "gay, lesbian, and bisexual" spouses, but the letter only mentions gays and lesbians. Because she recognizes that bisexuals are different, perhaps?