Coming out to wife yes or no and how to break it to her...

[ramonaman]

1st of all, I love my wife. Been married 34+ years. With kids that would have a difficult time dealing with it. Always have masturbated and fantisized about have sex with a man I find attractive. I am prefer being bottomed. Have many times spread my cheeks and hammered my self. She has ben aware of my bottoming likes but ignores it. I have asked her to peg me but doesnt seem interested. Sex with her is not that exciting, missionary style at the most extreme. I love to shave my cock, ball, and ass and get turned on by them. totally confused... Anyone with same issues , if so how you deal with it.

[nomorenomore]

I have tried to broach the subject a number of times and am met with silence. We have zero sex. She totally lost all desire for sex. She loves me dearly, but sex is out. That leaves me to my own devices. I have to admit that I had read about shaved balls on here and tried it and kind of like it. My wife gave me the green light for porn and even bought me toys. You miss that human closeness though. I too like anal and before her sex drive had dropped to zero, talked about pegging, though at the time I didn't know what it was called. I even got a strap-on for her. It was never used. So I basically have just me.

[innaminka]

Interesting. Reading both posts, it seems that your sexual needs seem to be paramount.
Coming out to a partner is a delicate, horrible process, yet one that has to be done, and paramount should be your concern on what effect your admission has on your partner.
And yes, I have been there, done that. It was a process tht maybe took years to resolve, which we did in our own way, although ..... as time passed, it became the elephant in the room that no one really talked about.
The one thing that we did maintain was our sex life; we did not shut off each other out. Our love was maintained.
But each couple has their own method. Good luck.

[lizard-lix]

I agree with innaminka (http://www.bisexual.com/forum/member.php?25627-innaminka), at least for most folks it is a difficult and horrible process. I came out to my wife before we married (I am lifelong bi), but as we agreed on monogamy (pretty much at her insistence), she pretty much forgot about it over the years. She is pretty vanilla, so we had a good but unexciting sex life.

As we hit our 50's, several things happened. Her interest in sex waned. This may have been to age, hormones, just the general idea that she was getting older and that time of her life had passed or that she had a fairly long illness that contributed to the other things.

At the same time, my sex drive increased a huge amount and also my feelings for men resurfaced. We were heading in very opposite directions and as a result, even though our relationship was and is very strong (we are now married 35 years and consider it a 'good start') it was a VERY difficult time.

I came back out to her, explaining that after 30+ years of doing it her way, I really wanted to try it my way.

She is and was totally OK that I am bi, she is not so OK with the level of my sex drive and that I want to do kinkier things and involve others.

And so the stage was set for the next 5+ years of working on it.

At one point, I asked her if she wanted to stop having sex at all. She took over a minute to respond (one of the longest of my life) and finally said, 'No, I still want to sometimes.' Her idea of sometimes was once every 3 weeks to 3 months and my idea of sometimes was about 3 times a week.

So we discussed it, she even let me go out on a date with a guy once (it was agreed before hand that it was ONLY for dinner), we worked on it together, tried toys, kink, going to swinger's clubs (with all decisions totally in her hands, no was 100% no and no pushing on my part, but she still felt my overwhelming desire in those situations and felt pushed), fetish clubs and watching porn.

I tried to curb my desires somewhat to move more to her level, and I watched porn on my own to see if it would satisfy my desires and give her some time off from them.

Some things worked, some didn't. I even had a bout of ED over the stress.

Gradually we have been reaching a level we can both live with and ENJOY!

One night at a swinger's club, she did pick out another couple and we swapped. It did not go very well and she has still insisted on monogamy, so no sex with guys for me, at least so far. OTOH, she has a great time going to the fetish club and big parties at the swinger's club (like Halloween). We do watch others have sex at the clubs and after watching a bi MMF 3some, we went home and had some of the best sex of our lives. She also has gotten to like porn now and then and we pretty much never watch anything straight, she actually prefers lesbian or trans flicks.

Our sex life has gotten more exciting and more varied and she has thanked me a bunch of times for not letting her quit on sex. She is actually more orgasmic now (even 10 years after a hysterectomy) than she has ever been in her entire life.

So, while the strap on collects more dust than I'd like, and I have not gotten to suck any cock since before we married, our sex life is the best it has ever been and our relationship is stronger for the trials.

So, all I can say is work at it, be open, be honest, be patient, be gentle!

Good luck!

Liz

[cbb83]

Curious - were you guys bisexual when you got married, or is your bisexuality due to a need for sex that you're not getting from your wives and you feel as though going at it with other men is less "cheating" than with another woman?

[CurEUs_Male]

CBB -
I don't know if I was bi when I got married. I discovered my interests in my 40's after about 15 years of marriage. Some of the same broad concepts of lackluster sex may have helped me start looking at things anew. I and also tried introducing my wife to swinging before I had my own discovery and it had some good and bad effects on us as a couple. We spent some time ignoring it, and drifted apart. Now, we are seeing a therapist as a couple, focused on better communication. It is not easy, and a 3rd party is a huge help.
Mic you are going to come out, I implore you to seek the resources for bit yourself and your spouse to make things transition as well as can be. There are support groups online. There are therapists and sex educators that have experience with "mice orientation marriages". There are also some bad examples of support groups that ca focus on the negativity and how to end things. Be sure to seek out the good places! Supportive places that want to make things WORK.

[pole_smoker]

This is why it's best to come out to people while you are dating them, or before you are married.

I'm not married but I have came out to the women and men I've had partnerships or long term relationships with.

[nomorenomore]

Curious - were you guys bisexual when you got married, or is your bisexuality due to a need for sex that you're not getting from your wives and you feel as though going at it with other men is less "cheating" than with another woman?
Well, I was in denial. I was so afraid of being labeled gay. I didn't even know there was another "category". I have "come out" to my wife. I had been under a psych care for over five years back about fifteen years ago and that is when I grew to accept that it was okay to like guys too. I just couldn't act on it due to a very bad divorce.
Could it be due to the total lack of sex at this time? Maybe. I think that our frequency for the first five years of our marriage was so much that I was always satisfied. As her desire waned during menopause, the feelings started coming back. When she green lighted me to watch porn, I decided to see if I would be repulsed by gay/bi sex. I found rather than repulsed, I had some of the biggest orgams I have had in a long time. Even in girl on guy sex, I find I love watching the blow jobs and looking at cocks.
So, having her blessing would be something I would really want. Probably never come though, and I will be forced to go through the remainder of my life sexless. Well except the orgies with Rosie Palm and her five daughters. As far as patience, five years of no sex is patient. Oh, there was the one handjob, but that was delivered with no emotion. It was almost like she was reading a book and had nothing to do with her hand.

[cbb83]

Women losing all interest in sex during menopause seems to be a common theme on this site, which is the reason I asked what I did. A lot of men in theirs 40s/50s seem to realize their preferences at such a time. I've always been curious as to the chicken or the egg of it, but I am never able to draw a conclusion. I know it sounds perverse, but I almost wish I could arrange an experiment where men under such conditions would have ready access to willing women and see if feelings of bisexuality still emerge. The guilt of cheating and/or the financial ruin of divorce would cast a huge shadow over such an experiment though. I do note that this seems to happen to far more married men than single men as near as I can tell though. Sorry, just musing. I hope everything ends well for you guys. For my part, I do recommend being honest and coming out to your wife. As for how to break it to her? No idea, good luck, lol :(

[onewhocares]

Women losing all interest in sex during menopause seems to be a common theme on this site, which is the reason I asked what I did. A lot of men in theirs 40s/50s seem to realize their preferences at such a time. I've always been curious as to the chicken or the egg of it, but I am never able to draw a conclusion. I know it sounds perverse, but I almost wish I could arrange an experiment where men under such conditions would have ready access to willing women and see if feelings of bisexuality still emerge. The guilt of cheating and/or the financial ruin of divorce would cast a huge shadow over such an experiment though. I do note that this seems to happen to far more married men than single men as near as I can tell though. Sorry, just musing. I hope everything ends well for you guys. For my part, I do recommend being honest and coming out to your wife. As for how to break it to her? No idea, good luck, lol :(

I know for me, reaching menopause has only increased my sexual desire. I am stuck in this for the last seven years, and my husband is not really interested in sex with me because he is gay. In the last two years he makes NO attempt. He says it is because he knows that he can't satisfy me sexually any longer. For years I thought it was me not being a good lover which was causing the problem. Well sharing my husband with other bisexual men proved that to premise to be untrue.

I would say talking about your wants and desires as well as hers are key.

Belle in Boston

[ramonaman]

I guess not thinking about it I probably was, but back in the day I was just a plain horny guy.I now think your comment is correct lack of sex and going at it with a guy does make me fell less like I'm cheating on her.

[j4u42]

The cheating label is interesting and a double edged sword. If she's no longer interested at all and denying you life's greatest pleasure, isn't she cheating you?

[sysper]

The cheating label is interesting and a double edged sword. If she's no longer interested at all and denying you life's greatest pleasure, isn't she cheating you?very interesting way to look @ this, fair too.....thank u!

[cbb83]

What? No. Not having sex with your partner is not cheating. That is not betraying your partner in favor of another human being. You can't really twist that one around. Now, what it is, is the breaking of an implied stipulation of the marriage contract - and in days gone by you could actually fault your partner for not having sex with you and get a divorce that didn't completely ruin you. However, sexual rights as a part of the marriage contract were legally done away with a long time ago in most western nations; and many nations/states now consider all divorces "no-fault" to spare the legal and investigative systems. So pretty much you're screwed on that front - they disconnected sex and marriage.

[nomorenomore]

What? No. Not having sex with your partner is not cheating. That is not betraying your partner in favor of another human being. You can't really twist that one around. Now, what it is, is the breaking of an implied stipulation of the marriage contract - and in days gone by you could actually fault your partner for not having sex with you and get a divorce that didn't completely ruin you. However, sexual rights as a part of the marriage contract were legally done away with a long time ago in most western nations; and many nations/states now consider all divorces "no-fault" to spare the legal and investigative systems. So pretty much you're screwed on that front - they disconnected sex and marriage.

Um, that's the problem, we aren't getting screwed. :-P

[pole_smoker]

I know for me, reaching menopause has only increased my sexual desire. I am stuck in this for the last seven years, and my husband is not really interested in sex with me because he is gay. In the last two years he makes NO attempt. He says it is because he knows that he can't satisfy me sexually any longer. For years I thought it was me not being a good lover which was causing the problem. Well sharing my husband with other bisexual men proved that to premise to be untrue.

I would say talking about your wants and desires as well as hers are key.

Belle in Boston
Since your husband is gay he's never going to be sexually attracted to you, or any other woman.

Why even stay married to him then?

I have gay male friends who were at one time partnered to women, or even married and they said it was a waste of time since it just hindered their personal development as gay men. Even the ones who had open marriages or who cheated on their wives with men said this.

Some of these gay men I know have kids but they said how they wished that they'd came out to their wives and divorced them a lot earlier when they first were married and had children instead of waiting for decades.

[CurEUs_Male]

It's never a single thing. It's always a bunch of environmental influences that lead you to make a decision to come out, to look for sexual satisfaction, the cheat sexually or emotionally. I cannot see any one thing like a spouses reduced libido as a reason I turned bi, and yes, if I blame my wife's disinterest on my orientation the. It would require orientation to be a changeable thing. That has been shown as a falsehood along with repairative therapy.


Rather, I was bi, and never gave it much thought until I had the opportunity to see and feel things that encouraged me to look at my orientation along with the freedom to feel I could be this bisexual person. I shared it with my wife. Her reaction is her own, just as my reaction to the information to be n honest, open husband was my own reaction. There are some groups that will support you, Helen, and the two of you together. Find them. Have a talk with her. Be honest with yourself as well as with her. Have the journey together.

[nomorenomore]

I have studied human sexuality on and off through my life. I have considered going back to school for Psychology once I get through paying everyone else's way through life. That being said, I have seen studies and my own psychologist who told me that sexuality is fluid. there are many things that affect us in our lives. Some of those things may cause dormant feelings to arise. So a person who has buried their true feelings and lived a certain way to be acceptable to society. With the growing acceptance of "alternative lifestyles", the need to stay "underground" abates and these people then feel that they can finally be true to their own feelings. Unfortunately, that can be extremely upsetting to the family structure. Of course if we just accepted people for who they are instead of discriminating due to some societal or religious reason, all of this would not have had to happen. I know, in my case, I lived my life being berated for walking with "limp wrists", with the threat they would cut them off. The question arises that if I had not been told such things as a child, would I have turned out different? If I wasn't raised being told that looking at another guys junk makes you "gay" and worthy of hate, would I have just found love with another man? Who the frig knows.

[sysper]

I have studied human sexuality on and off through my life. I have considered going back to school for Psychology once I get through paying everyone else's way through life. That being said, I have seen studies and my own psychologist who told me that sexuality is fluid. there are many things that affect us in our lives. Some of those things may cause dormant feelings to arise. So a person who has buried their true feelings and lived a certain way to be acceptable to society. With the growing acceptance of "alternative lifestyles", the need to stay "underground" abates and these people then feel that they can finally be true to their own feelings. Unfortunately, that can be extremely upsetting to the family structure. Of course if we just accepted people for who they are instead of discriminating due to some societal or religious reason, all of this would not have had to happen. I know, in my case, I lived my life being berated for walking with "limp wrists", with the threat they would cut them off. The question arises that if I had not been told such things as a child, would I have turned out different? If I wasn't raised being told that looking at another guys junk makes you "gay" and worthy of hate, would I have just found love with another man? Who the frig knows.well i hope society keeps working on accepting gays, lesbians & bi's. it's unnatural to force some1 to be something there not. it's time for the hatred & fear to end right now!

[wifekinky4husband]

So ramonaman,

What all have you done to spice up the sex life with your wife? Have you asked her to watch you? Do you perform for her sexually? My husband gets off I a major way doing this for me which has opened the door for much more .
L

[lizard-lix]

The cheating label is interesting and a double edged sword. If she's no longer interested at all and denying you life's greatest pleasure, isn't she cheating you?

That is always the interesting question.. The vow said, "For better or worse...."

In my case, I was the one who wanted the rule change, she was happy with growing older and leaving sex behind. I was the one who not only wanted more not less, I wanted kink and bisexuality, which implies non-monogamy.

So I didn't play the 'normal' vanilla hubby, content to grow older and give up sex, as many couples do. OTOH, she has been resistant to trying my way.

The way we both look at it is that we are not the people we were 35 years ago, or even yesterday. We grow, we change, and we have to adapt. It's not always easy and it's not easy to be fair all the time.

However, she does feel she is cheating me. She is too jealous to let me out to get the kink and MM sex I would like. She even has apologized for being that way, but so far she has not gotten over it. She does let me cyber and have friends online (but she REALLY prefers not to witness it, even if she asks about it now and then and has even talked through me to some of my online perv pals).

Just for the record, I have never cheated (I don't consider cyber cheating, even though that is a major topic of discussion itself), and even if you do consider it cheating, if it is with knowledge and permission, then it is definitely not.

It is a complex issue. I'd never consider divorce, I love her. So I have to face the likelihood of never again having sex with anyone else or fulfilling my kinky desires. But, I'm probably not going to win the lottery and become a millionaire overnight either. No one said life is fair :-)