Are older gay men usually emotionally unstable?

[BearLover]

I've met quite a few guys online as I prefer men over woman now.

They seem to move on too fast, they get worked up over the smallest things and looking back I realize I may of upset them without realizing it, I'm a 20 year old guy looking for a guy that is 40-80, they have trouble finding someone because most younger men aren't into older men, many of the guys that I've met have been single, obviously because it's a dating website but I can imagine many older men struggle to find younger men, that's why they are emotionally unstable.

If you are gay you are more likely to be alone, most people aren't gay so it's hard for you to find someone, it's hard for me to find someone because I'm only into older men and women when I'm 20 years old. It's probably even harder for them so I can imagine it affects them emotionally.

I'm single at the moment and a little bit emotional from being alone, deep down I feel something is missing - love. They probably feel the same way too, they struggle to find someone hence why they move on so fast, play mind games, cold shoulder etc. They are hurt and they want to take it out on you.

Do you agree? Are older gay men a lot of the time like this?

I do fancy older women but don't think I love them, I've never fell in love with an older women only older men. I'm sexually attracted to older women like lady sonia but I've actually fell in love with an older man.

I definitely prefer being bisexual but have never fell in love with women, I want to, it's more healthy than being gay. Bisexuality is the most healthy IMO. :)

[JUSTLUVIN]

I've met quite a few guys online as I prefer men over woman now.

They seem to move on too fast, they get worked up over the smallest things and looking back I realize I may of upset them without realizing it, I'm a 20 year old guy looking for a guy that is 40-80, they have trouble finding someone because most younger men aren't into older men, many of the guys that I've met have been single, obviously because it's a dating website but I can imagine many older men struggle to find younger men, that's why they are emotionally unstable.

If you are gay you are more likely to be alone, most people aren't gay so it's hard for you to find someone, it's hard for me to find someone because I'm only into older men and women when I'm 20 years old. It's probably even harder for them so I can imagine it affects them emotionally.

I'm single at the moment and a little bit emotional from being alone, deep down I feel something is missing - love. They probably feel the same way too, they struggle to find someone hence why they move on so fast, play mind games, cold shoulder etc. They are hurt and they want to take it out on you.

Do you agree? Are older gay men a lot of the time like this?

I do fancy older women but don't think I love them, I've never fell in love with an older women only older men. I'm sexually attracted to older women like lady sonia but I've actually fell in love with an older man.

I definitely prefer being bisexual but have never fell in love with women, I want to, it's more healthy than being gay. Bisexuality is the most healthy IMO. :)

Ouch Bearlover,

I know you intended this as an innocent post but there is not a stereotypical gay, straight, or bi person. Everyone is different. Your experiences may have led you to believe that most younger men are not into older but that is subjective.

Older men are not unstable, at least not all of them. There is so much to be said about being older and the wisdom that comes along with it. In fact, I know a lot of older folks that complain about the younger folks being unstable; it goes both ways.

Being gay does not equate to being alone. I am bisexual but the gay friends I have have never complained about loneliness.

About your perceptions of why people do what they do when they come onto you. You need to take into account that the world is complicated and there are a myriad of reasons one either moves too fast on you, play mind games, etc.

It is also not necessarily more healthier to be straight versus gay and bisexual is not necessarily the healthiest either. It is a mixed bag.

I do hope you find your answers but be careful of the stereotypes.

[WebothBbi]

It's been my experience that about 65-75% are unstable. But not all

[BearLover]

I'm trying to be as careful as I can but seem to offend people.

It's just that the guys I've met have moved on and when they move on from you they kind of do it make themselves feel better, kind of like how you hurt the ones you love most. It kind of felt like an attack on me, people move on and ignore them because they are upset.

I've felt it myself, I kind of feel like hurting the guys who want to date by deleting them as friends and ignoring them, it kind of gives you a revenge feeling.

I don't mean gays are all like this but gay people are more likely to find themselves alone, I'm bisexual and like older people, my sexuality is complicated for me hence the reason why I'm a little bit emotionally unstable. Once you have a relationship you feel kind of cured, it's like a therapy for your emotions, well the single guys on the website I can imagine were emotionally unstable if you know what I mean, because it's hard for them to find someone, they become like this and that would explain why they not only delete me as a friend but cold shoulder me as well.

[JUSTLUVIN]

I'm trying to be as careful as I can but seem to offend people.

It's just that the guys I've met have moved on and when they move on from you they kind of do it make themselves feel better, kind of like how you hurt the ones you love most. It kind of felt like an attack on me, people move on and ignore them because they are upset.

I've felt it myself, I kind of feel like hurting the guys who want to date by deleting them as friends and ignoring them, it kind of gives you a revenge feeling.

I don't mean gays are all like this but gay people are more likely to find themselves alone, I'm bisexual and like older people, my sexuality is complicated for me hence the reason why I'm a little bit emotionally unstable. Once you have a relationship you feel kind of cured, it's like a therapy for your emotions, well the single guys on the website I can imagine were emotionally unstable if you know what I mean, because it's hard for them to find someone, they become like this and that would explain why they not only delete me as a friend but cold shoulder me as well.

I understand and I know you mean well. Funny thing I know a lot of married couples (straight) that for years one of the spouses has always felt alone. Having someone near you does not necessarily make you fulfilled happy or not alone. But I understand where you are coming from.

I think a lot can be said about the old saying the grass is greener on the other side, and I would like to add, until you get there. Tends to be the theme. We always want what we don't have.

About your search, I sure hope you find an older that treats you well. I have been there before.

[BearLover]

Thanks for that, are you into older men yourself?

[JUSTLUVIN]

Thanks for that, are you into older men yourself?

Well I have always been but as the days go by my options become more limited since I am no spring chicken. But basically open to anyone really. Each has their own reason for wanting to be close to another one I suppose and I just think the idea of opening up to someone is not only special but flattering.

[pole_smoker]

I've met quite a few guys online as I prefer men over woman now.

They seem to move on too fast, they get worked up over the smallest things and looking back I realize I may of upset them without realizing it, I'm a 20 year old guy looking for a guy that is 40-80, they have trouble finding someone because most younger men aren't into older men, many of the guys that I've met have been single, obviously because it's a dating website but I can imagine many older men struggle to find younger men, that's why they are emotionally unstable.

If you are gay you are more likely to be alone, most people aren't gay so it's hard for you to find someone, it's hard for me to find someone because I'm only into older men and women when I'm 20 years old. It's probably even harder for them so I can imagine it affects them emotionally.

I'm single at the moment and a little bit emotional from being alone, deep down I feel something is missing - love. They probably feel the same way too, they struggle to find someone hence why they move on so fast, play mind games, cold shoulder etc. They are hurt and they want to take it out on you.

Do you agree? Are older gay men a lot of the time like this?

I do fancy older women but don't think I love them, I've never fell in love with an older women only older men. I'm sexually attracted to older women like lady sonia but I've actually fell in love with an older man.

I definitely prefer being bisexual but have never fell in love with women, I want to, it's more healthy than being gay. Bisexuality is the most healthy IMO. :)

I would not say that older gay men who are into younger men are unstable. However, some can be emotionally immature. Or they have what's called Peter Pan sydrome where they still act like teenagers.


Some can be like you said, very desperate. This is not just a thing that happens with gay men. I have been with women who were younger than me or my age and they were the same way.

[elian]

Prince charming is a myth. Most gay men I've known have had some sort of issue to work through - even if it is just rejection by society for being gay..that doesn't mean they are necessarily bad people. By our age - everyone usually has some sort of baggage - so it's basically what can you live with?

[BearLover]

Do you find that bisexual men are more emotionally stable than gay men? Wikipedia says that bisexual guys have hypermasculinization and less personal insecurities.

It would make sense for a bisexual man to be more emotionally stable because he has the opportunity to be with a women, they can pretend to be straight and still live quite a healthy life with their wives.

[cuttin2dachase]

When you're searching for someone who is emotionally, physically and sexually compatible to be your significant other, it does not matter if you are str8, bi or gay. The pool of other str8, bi or gay people searching for that one person is not nearly as large as the pool of people of all sexual persuasions who are looking for casual fwb/no-strings sex or something in between a friendship and relationship. Also, the great majority of people looking for love place conditions on potential partners (ie. gender, age, religion, race, physical attributes, sexual proclivities etc.) which further narrows the pool. I am emotionally geared to having only a woman as a S/O for a love realtionship. I am geared sexually to having either women and men as casual friends/lovers with no expectation of love or relationships. I will treat them all as I'd wish to be treated and see where it goes. I am patient and take people unconditionally as they come and go in my life. The great majority of people who come into your life will be only temporary friends/lovers who move on to new friends/lovers. I accept that and move on myself, never losing hope that a new friend/lover will come into my life and stay in my life.

[BearLover]

It just makes me think...

In the past being gay was not tolerated, the gay guys I've met had to spend their lives with women and living a lie, surely this affects their emotional health...

Whereas bisexual men can stay in the closet, they don't have to live a lie because they enjoy women, they don't have any problems with their emotions.

Do you see what I'm saying? When you are in an awkward position to find love you have more chance in becoming emotionally unstable, I myself didn't know I like older men and women until 2 years ago. At school I wasn't really attracted to girls or guys, it affected me emotionally seeing everyone around me had partners, it affects me now that I'm the only one who's single my age. If you live a life single or live a lie I can imagine it breaks you, being gay doesn't have a direct connection with being emotionally unstable, it's the awkward position it puts you in, especially in the past where they had to live a lie. I can imagine they've had tough lives staying in the closet for such a long time.

I'm talking from experience meeting these guys, they seem happy at first but go on a downer, one guy moved on straight away, I didn't talk to him instantly, the other had emphysema so moved on and took it out on me by deleting me as a friend, the other guy seemed upset when I didn't show him my dick, another guy is cold shouldering me.

It's like deep down I know something is wrong, I feel that way too from being single and it's understandable that they want to take it out on me.

Pole_smoker is right about peter pan syndrome on one case I talk to, the guy just seems to want to fuck every young lad, he uses them. And he goes into gay bars when he's 72 lol.

[JUSTLUVIN]

Times have changed. Being gay is easier in many areas now and with gay marriage it is fastly becoming a norm. Yes there were and are gay guys that are in traps because they married a woman and feel trapped. But bisexual men are not necessarily out of the woods and have to be careful at times. Bisexual women also. Thus the reason for this site in places. You will find the dilemma many bi men and women are having right now in the forums living 2 lives. So it isn't as easy necessarily.

Being straight can be problematic with regards to love. It is not so cut and dry. For instance my brother is straight as can be and has been married for 23 years. However, him and his wife are getting a divorce because he just now found out he really didn't love her all these years. No cheating or anything dramatic, he just didn't love her. He told me for years she was nothing but a good friend although technically theye were married.

You made a very profound statement when you said that being gay did not connect with being unstable but it out them in an awkward position. I agree, but those times are a changing. Bisexuals still have a lot to deal with since we like both sides. I realized as a youth I like the same sex but after early experiences I turned to women and now feel the need to connect with guys again.

Didn't mean for this to turn out so long but to give you a quick example of ow crazy life and love is, I attended a wedding for a friend at a huge Catholic church in LA last week. I know both sides of the family and also know their secrets; 4 straight couples breaking up because they felt like they were living lies (not due to bisexuality) 3 children coming out to their parents as gay or lesbian, 2 of them with their significant others planning a same sex marriage, 3 gay couples that have lived together for anywhere between 10-20 years and one of them is married with kids and doing better than the straight couples. Not once did I hear of anyone with bi thoughts but I know it has to be in there somewhere. Yet I watch the pomp and circumstance of what God joins together and just realizing that relationships are more complicated and cannot be put in a black or white category as to who is fairing the best. WHEW sorry for writing so much but interesting topic

[pole_smoker]

Do you find that bisexual men are more emotionally stable than gay men? Wikipedia says that bisexual guys have hypermasculinization and less personal insecurities.

It would make sense for a bisexual man to be more emotionally stable because he has the opportunity to be with a women, they can pretend to be straight and still live quite a healthy life with their wives.
Not all bisexual men are the way you described or are married/partnered to women, or "pretending to be straight".

There are a lot of gay men who have female friends and like women as friends; but they're just not sexually attracted to women since they're gay.

[BearLover]

If I ever get into a relationship with a women, I'm going to tell her instantly that I'm bi. I don't know why any woman would have a problem with it, it's not so dangerous that you are going to cheat on her, you could cheat on her with other women. If a women knows you are bi then assumes you will cheat on her, you could say that straight people could cheat on their girlfriends with other women.

People in marriages are scared to tell people of their bisexuality, I don't see why because you could cheat on women, it's the same as being straight, if you love her you won't cheat on her, period. Bisexuality is completely irrelevant to the relationship, it's about the love you share for one another, people only cheat when they don't love each other.

Anyway, I would never get married, I much prefer being in a relationship and not married. I really enjoy my freedom.

[JUSTLUVIN]

If I ever get into a relationship with a women, I'm going to tell her instantly that I'm bi. I don't know why any woman would have a problem with it, it's not so dangerous that you are going to cheat on her, you could cheat on her with other women. If a women knows you are bi then assumes you will cheat on her, you could say that straight people could cheat on their girlfriends with other women.

People in marriages are scared to tell people of their bisexuality, I don't see why because you could cheat on women, it's the same as being straight, if you love her you won't cheat on her, period. Bisexuality is completely irrelevant to the relationship, it's about the love you share for one another, people only cheat when they don't love each other.

Anyway, I would never get married, I much prefer being in a relationship and not married. I really enjoy my freedom.

I appreciate your views but you have so much to learn that can only be answered through experience. Life is more complicated than that

[cuttin2dachase]

I think the main stereotype of gay men is the "drama queen" aspect. My limited personal experiences with gay men occurred when I was pretty much an eager newbie to casual mm sex. Those encounters revealed some degree of pushiness, possessiveness and a general opinion that bi men are really gay men who are kidding themselves about their true sexuality and need to make up their minds in favor of men. They were hurt when I didn't want to be their new best friend and exclusive lover. The single bi men I met early on tended to be selfish, shallow and overly aggressive. I was even stalked a few times by gay men who said I'd used them. Under those conditions, I felt very uncomfortable. For that reason, my subsequent male partners/lovers have almost exclusively been bi married/divorced men. It's just my preference. I feel much more comfortable and feel I have much more in common with men who also enjoy women sexually and prefer women emotionally. Still, I don't and won't label or lump all gay men together as DQs and I don't believe that the average gay man is any less emotionally/mentally stable than the average str8 or bi man.

[tenni]

Hi
I think that you raise some interesting issues. I am uncertain as to what you might see as unstable?

I think that there is a very strong premise that many men who are searching internet sites and previously or still going to bars looking for ? can fall into de personalizing their relationships with others. This seems particularly true for men when a woman is not monitoring / moderating his sexual lust. It seems to me that generalizations are dangerous and you have used a few. I will place on the table that women still control sexual activity between men and women. When you place two men into a potential sexual encounter there is no stopping until at least one has orgasmed.

Sometimes, it is wise to meet a guy in person in a public place and have no sex with them. It forces both of your to re examine your lust but quite often sex comes before really knowing the guy and that is slightly opposite to m/f encounters. Again, this is a generalization.

As a man of 20, I wonder how carefully you have examined your own interest in older men and women? Quite often, the young man can not articulate his interest in those who are older.

I think that pointing out a few stats may help clarify you referencing gay men rather than bisexuals. Studies have shown that female bisexuals have the highest rate of thoughts of suicide and depression followed slightly less bisexual men. Both bisexual genders indicated much greater difficulty with depression and thoughts of suicide. Much lower are gay men/lesbians. Even much lower than that are heterosexuals. The reasons why were not reported. It seems to be that there is a greater incident of emotional difficulty in bisexuals than gays. That doesn’t necessarily explain “unstable” behaviour as you have not defined it very well.

Men who remain single may behave more erratically than those in relationships. However, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you will not be lonely. Feeling lonely and living with someone can be the worse form of loneliness. Are you unstable? not necessarily. You may function in society very well and still be lonely behaving in ways that even you do not understand.

[Realist]

Bear, you've reminded me of the old saying; "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince!"

I have no advice for you, but we share some of the same interests. Like you, I was attracted to older people in my youth. Now 74, there's few older than me!

However, my experiences at your age were more successful. My very first orgasm was a gift from an older male neighbor; I was lucky he was my first, as he was very gentle, knowledgeable, and I knew him well and trusted him explicitly. He introduced me to a world of wonder and pleasure in a very comfortable, non-threatening, way.

Then came a coupe of boys my age. One of the boys was my first deeply-focused love interest.

An older woman followed the year I turned 15.

The second older man came along in my early 20s. He was somewhat possessive and jealous, but there was nothing I had difficulty dealing with. That arrangement didn't last long; I felt smothered and a little over-powered. So, I moved on. Better things were in store for me, though.

One of my most rewarding relationships with an older person, was a retired nurse, who taught me things I never knew existed. Those things are still as viable today and they were 52 years ago!

I probably would have stayed with her as long as she lived, but circumstances beyond my control (War) ended that relationship after about 18 months.

Presently, the roles for me are reversed....I have a wonderful GF, who I met right here on this site in 2008. She is also bisexual, 33 years my junior, and our relationship is one of my strongest/most rewarding, ever.

I also have a younger male partner, who got the seal of approval from my GF, before he and I became intimate. He's also a stellar person, friend, and a talented lover.

Reviewing my past and yours, illustrates how varied our journeys can be. So far, you haven't been as lucky as you'd like, but believe me, there's someone for almost everyone! (I'm proof of that!)

Actually, you're lucky that you know what you like...you're in a better position than those who have no idea what they want! Don't give up, Bear....my only advice is: don't settle for less than you want. When you find the right one, the waiting will be worth it!

Best of luck to you!

[12voltyV2.0]

I admit to only having glanced through this thread and the posts here so I don't know if anyone mentioned it or not----but for bearlover---there is a site on the 'net called Silverdaddies and others, in which older gay/bi men post up personal ads and such on themselves----seeking other men of all ages----with many of the men being very young---around your age or thereabouts, who like and want to be with older men. I have seen some men into their 50s, 60s and beyond who have taken a long term young partner, with the young men being from age 18 and up.

As far as older gay or bi men being mentally "unstable"----I doubt if there would be any evidence to prove or disprove this contention----but with the way things are in this crazy as shit world----its a wonder that we aren't all just a bit "unstable."

As Jimmy Buffett sang long ago----"if we weren't all crazy----we would go insane!"

[jem_is_bi]

I am old and mostly gay and emotionally stable. The same for my longtime male friend/lover. Recently, I had the pleasure of meeting another gay man, that I first meet on the Silverdaddies website. He is both very nice and emotionally stable. So, emotionally stable gay men exist and many of us have very active lives and do not feel lonely even when we live alone.
While I am not looking for a significantly younger man as a potential love interest, I can't completely rule out that possibility. I am sure there are other stable gay men my age that would work for you.

[pole_smoker]

^^^
Being "mostly gay" is just another term for being bisexual. It seems to be used by people who bend towards monosexism, instead of just coming out and saying "Yes I'm bisexual".

The original poster is writing about gay men who are, well actually homosexual/gay.

Most men who are actually gay, are not going to want to have a relationship with a bisexual man. Or they'll claim that the bisexual man is just going to cheat on them with a woman (or man), or leave them for a woman (or another man) eventually.

I have met a lot of gay men who have told me how they know I'm bisexual and are OK with bisexuality; but how they would not have a relationship, or partnership with a bisexual man since they would not be able to handle their partner lusting after women, or having sexual attraction to women since it's not something they could ever fulfill. They do not want any sort of open relationship.


I have seen some men into their 50s, 60s and beyond who have taken a long term young partner, with the young men being from age 18 and up.
Yes, they're the emotionally immature men that Bearlover and myself have posted about.

How many of those "relationships" last in the long-term for decades? Pretty much none of them.

I know gay men who when they were younger got into a partnership with an older man, it was not a healthy relationship based on equality, the older guy died, and they were surprised this happened.

On the flip side, there are some women who are like this. They're older but want a much younger male partner because they're emotionally immature. They are called cougars in North American slang.

A friend of mine was involved with a married cougar, and she wanted to leave her husband of 20 years for him.

He told her, "Don't get it twisted you said from the start that you were married, and that this was was just going to be FWB with NSA sex!" He broke up with her and she almost had a hysterical emotional breakdown.


My very first orgasm was a gift from an older male neighbor; I was lucky he was my first, as he was very gentle, knowledgeable, and I knew him well and trusted him explicitly. He introduced me to a world of wonder and pleasure in a very comfortable, non-threatening, way.
Um what? That's just creepy. It sounds like sexual abuse, or what people who were sexually abused claim to have to deal with being sexually abused.

[itsnormy]

I have to agree with the so called experts on one point....sometimes is it a choice. Rational thinking leads me to believe there are "straights and gays," Nothing else in the basic form, BUT there are straight people who can enjoy gay sex, and gay people who can enjoy straight sex...hence the bisexual.....

[tenni]

I have found the use of the word "immature" used mostly by women. Men tend to refer to other men's behaviour not as immature but "acting like an asshole" or is an asshole..lol If the guy's behaviour does not interfere with your own goals that can work. If it is in a relationship with you and it interferes with your happiness then the asshole is dumped by most. The asshole will repeat his behaviour as long as he is getting some reward for acting that way.

I prefer to examine maturity is a natural physical development and seems inappropriate when used to discuss psychological behaviour issues. Our desires and needs may vary. Some people may get caught up in dysfunctional behaviour patterns that do not lead to contentment and happiness..worse yet might be dangerous for the person's health(physical or psychological).

I also agree that referring to "gay sex" i.e. "having gay sex" may be a denial of bisexuality or simply ignorance of language. The term "same sex" is more appropriate as it acknowledges that the person may also be having sex with both genders. A person may use the term "gay sex" due to a lack of understanding and acceptance. They may be stuck in monosexual thinking approaches. i.e. You are gay or you are straight and that is it rather than you are monosexual (straight or gay) or bisexual. I'm not sure if it indicates anything about a denial of their own sexuality as much as ignorance?

If a person is in a short or long term relationship with another person of fairly wide difference in age, they may both be happy but I agree that it might be the rare relationship to last say 30 years. Then how many relationships last that long regardless of gender and age?. If they can look back on any relationship and see positive aspects of the experience like Realist does that is a good thing regardless of age differences. I agree that if they repeat the behaviour with other future partners and it is to their detriment or others that is not a good behaviour. If the OP is happy with older men and women, go for it. Whether it will work for your entire lifetime may be another matter.

[JUSTLUVIN]

Hi
I think that you raise some interesting issues. I am uncertain as to what you might see as unstable?

I think that there is a very strong premise that many men who are searching internet sites and previously or still going to bars looking for ? can fall into de personalizing their relationships with others. This seems particularly true for men when a woman is not monitoring / moderating his sexual lust. It seems to me that generalizations are dangerous and you have used a few. I will place on the table that women still control sexual activity between men and women. When you place two men into a potential sexual encounter there is no stopping until at least one has orgasmed.

Sometimes, it is wise to meet a guy in person in a public place and have no sex with them. It forces both of your to re examine your lust but quite often sex comes before really knowing the guy and that is slightly opposite to m/f encounters. Again, this is a generalization.

As a man of 20, I wonder how carefully you have examined your own interest in older men and women? Quite often, the young man can not articulate his interest in those who are older.

I think that pointing out a few stats may help clarify you referencing gay men rather than bisexuals. Studies have shown that female bisexuals have the highest rate of thoughts of suicide and depression followed slightly less bisexual men. Both bisexual genders indicated much greater difficulty with depression and thoughts of suicide. Much lower are gay men/lesbians. Even much lower than that are heterosexuals. The reasons why were not reported. It seems to be that there is a greater incident of emotional difficulty in bisexuals than gays. That doesn’t necessarily explain “unstable” behaviour as you have not defined it very well.

Men who remain single may behave more erratically than those in relationships. However, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you will not be lonely. Feeling lonely and living with someone can be the worse form of loneliness. Are you unstable? not necessarily. You may function in society very well and still be lonely behaving in ways that even you do not understand.

I could not have said this better. So true so true. Yet I wasn't aware of the stats on bisexuals but it makes a lot of sense.

I am going on a theory that basically all sexuality is on a continuum meaning that all of us come into this world and somewhere on the scale we place between absolute gay or lesbian to absolute straight (if there really is such a thing in either direction). Depending on where you are on that scale, and what time period you live, and the other parameters in your life such as region of the world etc, determines the complications you have regarding relationships.

I am coining a new phrase. They used to say possession is 9/10 of the law, I will say PERCEPTION is 9/10's of the law. How we percieve ourselves and our relationships partially determines how we feel about it. And this runs across the board.