Bisexuality In the Family

[nerdjack]

How do you get your family to accept your lifestyle?

I came out to my family in 7th grade and they swore it was a phase, but it's been almost six years now and they refuse to accept the fact that it isn't changing. They're really religious and once they found out I looked the same sex, they tried to force it down my throat which has really turned me away from it. I used to hide it but the older I'm getting, the less I'm caring about their opinions on it. They claim they only want me to be happy, and being myself makes me happy, but they just can't handle the fact that it's in this way....that I'm TRULY happy. Am I wrong to be happy in my own skin? Until I was 16, I lived my life worrying about their opinions and what made them happy, but then I realized that I'm living MY life, not theirs so I'll do what makes me happy. Am I wrong for this?!

How do I get them to realize? Honestly, I can see myself possibly marrying a female one day, and they've already told me if I do, they won't be at the wedding. How did you all help your family get over it? (If they were against it at first) PLEASE HELP

[Country Guy]

You're NOT wrong.

You'll get some great advise here. There are some really insightful people here. I'm just not one of them LOL
One thing I can tell you for sure (cause I'm old) is that as you get older, you care less and less what other people think...including family.
I don't think you can change them. They can't change you, even though they tried.

Give it some time, I'll bet some of the smart folks here will respond.

[nerdjack]

You're NOT wrong.

You'll get some great advise here. There are some really insightful people here. I'm just not one of them LOL
One thing I can tell you for sure (cause I'm old) is that as you get older, you care less and less what other people think...including family.
I don't think you can change them. They can't change you, even though they tried.

Give it some time, I'll bet some of the smart folks here will respond.
:rolleyes:

[void()]

Can only mirror what Country Guy says.

I would try but as me & wife, lovers are accepting, see no "great need" to bother.
And this is not the same as "hiding". It is merely accepting, respecting life around
us.

What would attempting to get family to accept achieve? Conflict for all involved.

Is that conflict really needed? No.

Is that conflict wanted? No.

Do you love your family? Yes.

Would this conflict change you loving them? No.

Could this conflict change them loving you? Maybe.

Short end of it, love in this case for myself outweighs the maybe. That is
to say it is not worth risking love over a maybe.

I have other "family" which accepts me as is, and that suits fine. So,
I mirror Country Boy. It matters less what others think as time passes.
No one changes anyone else.

[fredtyg]

This is also a good example why it might not be a good idea to out yourself- especially as a bisexual- to anyone who doesn't have a direct and personal interest in your sexual preferences.

Do you feel better having your family know? Obviously not, hence the post.

Has outing yourself caused problems? Obviously it has.

Have you gained anything by outing yourself to family? From the post, it appears not.

I realize it's too late for nerdjack, but for others: Why do it??? I'm referring to those that feel a need to tell everyone they're bi or homosexual.

[elian]

How do I get them to realize? Honestly, I can see myself possibly marrying a female one day, and they've already told me if I do, they won't be at the wedding. How did you all help your family get over it? (If they were against it at first) PLEASE HELP

Did I read this part right, so you are biologically male and if you marry a FEMALE they won't come to the wedding? I hope I got that wrong because it seems pretty unreasonable to me. In that case I'm not sure what, "we just want you to be happy" really means. Does it mean that they will only be happy if you renounce your feelings so they can feel comfortable?

Your age is not listed in your profile that I can see, I can only assume that you are still fairly young. You can't force anyone to accept you, you can only live your life and make the best choices that you know how. As you gain more experience they will either learn to accept you or they won't. What I tell religious people is that, sure I can choose not to have sex, but have you ever tried to CHOOSE who you fall in love with?

I must be naive like that, but I choose to participate in my life fully, experience it with joy. I know that I'm not perfect, I am a flawed human, just like everyone else - but that just it - I am human, I am not an angel. I will be the best human I can be, but I can be nothing else.

This life is a gift freely given by the divine in love. If you had any idea just what it took to get all of us here - in this time and place, you wouldn't be so quick to ask other people to change.

You have the power to choose, it can be scary, but trust in your heart and in the Golden Rule - that you will do the right thing. I was born premature, by rights I shouldn't probably even be here, but so many poured love into me - including God, I am so grateful for that, to God and other people that there is no other way to live.

Life sometimes sucks, but it is wonderful at the same time, because if you poke it, it responds - it is not static and "figuring in out" is a part of the great mystery of which we are all a part. Wouldn't the world be a different place if we could all believe that human beings were something more than a train wreck destined for destruction? We could use our ability to make beauty in our community. We have the power to change the world and make it a better place... You could look at the simple beauty of the Earth and say, "Welcome home."

Ever since I was a young boy I've always been affectionate and I've always loved people. I am so tired of people expecting me to feel ashamed for not living up to whatever standard of masculinity they expect..and I am tired of people using God to justify treating me like a second class citizen.

Yes, it is important to live life with personal responsibility but we did not come here to be prisoners. In too many responses I hear "the Puritan State Motto" - "First toil, then, the grave."

The world is a lot different when you approach things with the idea that God is the ultimate force of bestowal, that the divine always and only wants what is best for us. When something bad in life happens people pray to God a little sort of bribe, that God should take the pain away so I can feel comfortable again. That isn't a prayer, that is spiritual bribery.

We face challenges in our lives in order to help us reach our full potential - so no, I'm not ashamed of the fact that I love both women and men..do you know how hard it was to come to terms with that? Do you know how often I prayed about it, wishing I could change?

God made me this way, and he did it intentionally so that I could understand what it felt like to be on the outside, looking in at what other people consider to be "normal".

My life has changed. As hard as it was I don't know that I would give up the gift he gave me - to be able to deal with a little bit of discomfort - to tolerate unease and still know that each person is valid.

"Sex" doesn't even factor into that really, but it's the first and last thing most folks think about when they hear "bisexual"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBR0dq0XXk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9woWAs2i5Ps

http://smallsphere.wordpress.com

I have been accused of being Peter Pan more than once, but I do take my adult responsibilities seriously, I take my life seriously, I am glad for all of the support and encouragement I received over the years - and I've made sure the people who helped me grow know it. I sometimes ask for their advice, and give them the benefit of respect, but I no longer look to other people for my own sense of acceptance..

I had to choose between doing what I -thought- other people would want me to do to please them and be miserable - or be myself and be happy. The funny thing about what you -think- other people want you to do is that they may surprise you anyway. The week I came out to my mom was the same week that Obama sort-of-changed his mind about gay marriage and the Pope said "who am I to judge?" so I felt pretty good actually.

[CurEUs_Male]

Doing the math, you sound rather young. Good for you for coming out to yourself, and family so early in life. It saves a good bit of heart ache later...

Perhaps your family is stuck thinking in the binary mode. While hetero is 'normal', not 'normal' but acceptable is the other option - gay. Alas, you are bi, and that requires something other than the 'opposite', which is outside their current mental scope. Perhaps they feel if you are gay and marry a woman, you will have to be living a lie. Cheating her out of an honest relationship... pretty harsh on you and her.

So, the best option is to live and love as yourself. Be honest with those you date, when you find the one you want to partner with for the rest of your life, be sure to be honest. Invite them, and let them decide at that time what they will do. You cannot open their minds further than they are willing to open. You cannot change them. You can only live honestly for yourself.

and make sure they miss one hell of a party...

[Rambigent]

First off, I think it's great that you aren't hiding who you are, though I am sorry that your family is not accepting of that. You are about half my age, and I think times have changed a lot since I was a kid...I knew, or at least suspected, I was bi when I was in 7th grade but there was no way in hell I would have ever come out to my parents about it. Fast forward twenty-some years, and I have kids of my own. My son has come out as gay, and all of my family, including my parents, are completely accepting of that. Meanwhile I'm still closeted as bi, now to both my parents and my kids. My wife knows, and many close friends know. I am glad to have so many people that aren't blood relations who know me and are accepting of me and my sexuality. As far as my family is concerned, I think I do still struggle with the feelings fredtyg expressed: will I gain anything from everyone knowing? Part of me thinks, yeah, maybe it's important to express that part of myself to the people who are close to me. Another part thinks, why risk any potential unpleasantness when I can fly under the radar as bi since I am already married and everyone just assumes I'm heterosexual? Anyway, sorry this is more about me than about trying to help you with your problem, nerdjack. At the end of the day, I think you have to understand that what you want for your life is not necessarily what your family wants. Accept that they may never "get" your choices in life. If they want to love you anyway, let them. If they can't get past that and won't love you for who you are, then fuck 'em. If you are living your life true to who you are and in the way that makes you happy, they need to accept that even if they don't understand it. If they don't then they're the ones with a problem, not you. I hope to have a little bit of your strength for myself.

[elian]

My one friend made a point of saying that the more realistic expectation is tolerance, you might be able to get your family to tolerate, acceptance is something else. I know it seems cruel when the people you need and love the most hold you away. All I can say is I hope they know you are still the same person they loved BEFORE you told them.

As for the "why tell?" Well that is the question isn't it? Sexual minorities can hide themselves in a way that other minorities can't. I waited until I was pretty well established, had my own house and a good job for years before I finally came out to my immediate family - that way they had something else to focus on besides, "Oh God, I'm a horrible parent, where did I screw up?" I'm pretty sure folks could tell anyway, but there was a sort of polite "don't ask, don't tell" thing going on.

For me, it was the last "lie" I was keeping, and I was getting sort of tired of people always being worried about why I wasn't finding a "nice girl" .. if people can't figure it out by now..

I hadn't considered what CurEUs_Male said, but yes I agree if they don't consider bisexuality as a real thing then they could be angry about that..again the other sexualities are well defined, bisexuality is ambiguous and some folks just can't handle ambiguity. along with that in addition there's the whole monogamy vs. poly vs. open relationship thing that you will need to figure out for yourself. Personally I would be happy with one partner, whether that person is male or female but other people have other desires.

There are others who want the same, although society doesn't always look favorably on them, and it can get complicated if there is not clear communication and mutual understanding about what you want and what others want from you. To ask your parents to accept that may be a bit much, but hopefully they will at least still love you and you can all treat each other with as much respect as possible.

When you are in your teens there are hormones and things going on, you are open to exploring, so it makes sense they might have thought of it as a phase, with experience and understanding of your own self you will know whether it is permanent or not. If it is, no worries - you are still worthy and loved - even more capable of loving than most. Besides, you can't spend your entire life in the bedroom. Your sexuality is only one part of who you are as a (hopefully) healthy, loving human being.

[void()]

I'm pretty sure folks could tell anyway, but there
was a sort of polite "don't ask, don't tell" thing going on.

Found that my mother was doing similar to "don't ask, don't tell".

Of course, her being bisexual provided her with insight. Finally,
spoke up and told her.

"Well, I had figured there was something different with you. I
also saw to it you had a level head on your shoulders. Thought
you would let me know when you felt a need."

So yes, it totally blew her away, surprised her. No it did not.

What was the surprise was learning she too is bisexual. Which
given us boys joked about her rampant drug use in the 1960's
should have dulled her sexuality as a surprise.

It was nice knowing a few things though from that encounter.

1. My mom despiting being bisexual was/is a damn fine parent.

2. My mom like most moms loves her children, unconditionally.

3. Mom practiced what she demonstrated as teachings, tolerance,
acceptance, empathy, compassion, equality.

Yeah, I am a bit of momma's boy. That is okay though for good
reason. See, my mom had balls of brass that would kick your daddy's
ass and keep right on getting it. My mom had to not be mom, but dad
as well given our life situation.

And no she did not get out and play touch football that broke down into
"smear" ball with us boys. She did not need to do that to be dad for
us. She had other subtle ways of doing it. One was use of discipline.

We were angels in stores and in public. She had us trained to the old
standard of children are seen, not heard. We saw other kids being
absolute psychotic monsters and getting stuff despite.

If we had been monsters, we were scurried into a bathroom. There we
we got it alright, three quick swats on the bum. We dare not cry over
it either, or cause a scene. We were her fine young men. She would be
damned if we could not take a pelt on the fanny as discipline. Men took
grenades in the chest for their buddies after all, and kept on going.

Yes, her troop of three young Men, were Men indeed and we knew the
sheep to be nervous. *chuckles*

All the while, none of us ever doubted she loved us. Oh drat, I need to
amble on. It is laundry day here. I have been volunteered to do folding
duty,

[leredacteur]

To NerdJack: I enthusiastically agree with most -- but not all -- of the advice you've gotten here, so far. In support of you, I will say that you are right to want to live your life the way you wish, not the way your family wants you to. Don't let anyone tell you that your sexual desires are "wrong" or "immoral."

I do think, though, that you made a youthful (7th grade of elementary school) misjudgement in coming out to your family. The misjudgement was not in being bisexual, it was in sharing that fact with anyone who was not a part of your sexual existence.

Over many years, I've had countless bi or gay friends and/or lovers come to me, agonizing over how they were going to come out to their families. My questions to them all have been much the same: ' Why do you need to come out to your family ? Do your parents or siblings, or your aunts and uncles, or your grandparents, share the details of their love- and sex-lives with you ? What makes you believe that you have a responsibility to share yours with them ? Inflicting on them some highly personal information that you probably already know will upset them doesn't make sense. Your guideline should be: "My fucking business is none of their fucking business." '
Live your life to the fullest, on your own terms; don't feel compelled to share the intimate details of it with anyone who doesn't have a genuine need to know.

Regarding the original question in the forum: Yes, I believe that bisexuality has a genetic component. My mother, a resolutely middle-class -- and extremely attractive -- woman, was widowed at an early age. Over the years, she had several boyfriends, all of whom ultimately turned out to be losers (her opinion, not mine). She also had many women friends from the neighborhood and from her professional life. After her death, while cleaning out her house and clearing her personal papers, I found numerous love letters to her from a local woman, also a widow, and several non-explicit but very suggestive (one semi-nude) photos of them together. I'm very pleased to be able to think back over the decades and know that she had love and intimacy with another human being as she grew older.

[tenni]

I agree with the idea that trying to reduce the influence of your parents on your life is important. Like others, I suspect that you are still young and living under their roof. Without, putting undo stress on your lifestyle, get out on your own as soon as possible.

Then begin to focus on what will make you happy as a bisexual man. There are many routes that you can explore. Reading various threads on this site will give you an indication of the issues. Don't become disheartened at other's struggles but look at it as an education. As someone has pointed out, deciding that you can see yourself married to a woman one day is fine. However, what form of bisexuality that you are is also part of that decision. Remember a few key ideas and the main one is that bisexuality is fluid for many. The attraction to either gender may vary throughout your lifetime.

I don't think that anyone on this site has the absolute rule book on how to live as a happy bisexual. It takes exploration, reflection and thought over time. You have decided rather young to identify your sexuality. Now begin to learn how to live as a bisexual. Take your time. When/if you fall in love with one gender doesn't mean that will always be there..then again it may. Nothing in life is simple..lol ;) Then again, don't worry or obsess and fret about life. Experience its joys...and learn from the sad experiences as well.

[void()]

I don't think that anyone on this site has the absolute rule book on how to live as a happy bisexual.

*tucks his copy of "The Grand Rule Book On How to Live Happily As A
Bisexual" away behind the potted plant named Dave*

Ha! Erm. *coughs* Oh, sorry I was saying Hai! to a passing mate from
India. *feigns an innocent expression*

[elian]

..as far as the "what causes people to 'be' a certain way?" question - I think it is a whole combination of things, all taken together. Environment, genetics, experience ..

In the long term asking "Why?" for the purposes of fixing blame isn't very productive. You are who you are, it isn't anybody's fault that you feel this attraction, it's just who you are - like any of your other characteristics..

Organizations like PFLAG may help, if you or your family are open to them, only you know your own circumstances. If you are still living at home it may be best to get your own place for a while before you press the issue any more.