My bf is bi and been messaging men?

[madness]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask about this but I really need some advice and support as I can't talk to anyone else for respect for my bf.
I just found out my bf has been signed up to two or three gay dating sites and messaging guys. The most recent was when I went on holiday last week. He posted that he could accommodate that night and from what I saw from the messages no one came to our house but he was making arrangements. I confronted him and he told me its just the thought of it, amd whenever someone woild agree to come to the house, he would go offline. I know he's into being dominated by girls, etc but is this related?
We had split up for a few weeks last year and he admitted that he had met a guy and he had touched the guys **** and he hated it. He said he made his excuses and left. If he hated it so much why has he still been using those sites? He says it's just like watching porn, it's just the thought of knowing they want to have sex with him.
I worry aswell though because his dad caught him watching gay porn when he was 15 and went off the head. He told him how disgusting an unnatural it is, which is making me think he's keeping all his feelings repressed. He cares so much about his reputation and he would feel he would have to leave his field of work if anyone found out. This makes me think that he's actually gay but scared of coming out.
I have nothing against him being bi and would happily use a strap on with him, etc, it's just the fact he was using these sites and has met one guy. I'm scared he will eventually need to do it again. If I found him messaging girls like that I think I would leave him, so why is this so hard? I love him so much and want this to work. I'm just so scared of finding out in the future he's actually gay (he's only 22 just now and I'm 28, so he's still got a lot of experimenting to do).
What do you guys think? Is he gay or should I believe it's all a fantasy? Do you think he will eventually give in to this again? I'm so scared. Do you thinj its just thw whole thought of being dominated? He told me he thinks about guys having sex with him, but hes not interested in doing it to them. Also, he has been using these sites the whole time we have been together, which is a year and a half. Thanks for your help.

[Fore4]

Hi, I think that all guys at some point in their lives think about sex with another male is normal. As we all grow up we wonder what it would be like ect !
I am 37 and have not acted on my desire to have sex with a guy yet...I got interested in the male body when I was 20. I think that the male body is beautiful to look at. So at some point all of us guys are curious.

[Swirl]

Yes this is a good place to ask. It is asked quite a lot around here, so know that lots of people are having similar experiences, and you are not alone by any stretch.
If he means this much to you, I would suggest learning all that you can about bisexuality. It comes in many forms and is different from being gay (gay men usually have no attraction to women whatever). Some bi men only desire sex with men, while others like emotional bonds as well. In sex some like to give (tops), some to receive (bottoms), and some like both. These are very basic examples, there are lots more. Also, not to frighten you more, but to state facts, some committed bi's are monogamous, some cheat, still others with supportive partners are made free to express their bisexuality if it will complete them. It's not unheard of that partners are even present so as to be included even if only simply to observe and cheer :tongue:.

Your man is young, as you state, but then so are you. You are correct that he has, not necessarily, but maybe experimenting to do, but certainly learning; he is probably as frightened, if not more, than you and near certain confused. I refer to that era in my own life as my sexual dark ages, terrible with a side of wonderful. Terrible because of the religious (pretty much finding at least some evil in any sex) and societal (his fathers disgust comes to mind) conditioning. The psychic conflict was unbearable (I drank a lot). But wonderful because that conditioning didn't win out, I couldn't deny who I was and had always been, I did experiment (wonderful by itself) and eventually emerged whole. I'm long married to a supportive wife and monogamous (though that can change).

However this shakes out it's not the end of the world though it feels like it could be or should be. Try to stay loose and supportive if you "want this to work". Gently bring it up, not often, and only after you've learned a little more about not only what his sexuality potentially is, but also how you feel about it; if he is in fact bi, do you then still "want this to work". You must be true to yourself just as he must.

Above all be well and good luck

[newbiguy09]

Madness, I can't talk for your boy friend, everyone of us is different. I didn't figure out I was bi till I was in my mid 30s. Now looking back, I know that I knew the entire time. I grew up in a religious home where like your boy friends dad, it was unnatural. So I just continued to push it aside, and deny my feelings.

I was married when my wife found gay porn on my laptop. That was when I was forced to admit to myself that I was bi. In my case it ended my marriage. My wife only saw it one way. "You are gay or straight."

The key to all of this is open communication between you guys. If your boyfriend is anything like I was, he's pulling himself apart on the inside trying to deal with the feelings. Just admitting it to myself, made me feel like I had finally figured who I was as a person.

If you are truly accepting of him being bi, then make that clear to him. He may still decide to never act on his feelings again, but I think you should consider/prepare for what if he does. How would it make you feel if he meet up with another guy?

If it wouldn't destroy you to know that he was exploring with another guy then know that. If it would wreck your world, then acknowledge that. Once you have figured that out talk to him.

Ultimately like I said, the key is communication. Open up the communication, and make it clear to him that you don't want him hiding it from you. If he feels the need to experiment, then you are the first person to know. Then you can make the decision of how you deal with it.

Just know that bi men can be monogamous. We still have cravings and desires, but we don't have to be sneaky with act on them. I'm now in a relationship with a loving woman who understands that. On occasion I do explore with other men, but we do it as a couple.

Hope this helps.

[void()]

The key to all of this is open communication
between you guys. If your boyfriend is anything like I was, he's pulling
himself apart on the inside trying to deal with the feelings. Just
admitting it to myself, made me feel like I had finally figured who I
was as a person.

If you are truly accepting of him being bi, then make that clear to
him. He may still decide to never act on his feelings again, but I think
you should consider/prepare for what if he does. How would it make you
feel if he meet up with another guy?

If it wouldn't destroy you to know that he was exploring with another
guy then know that. If it would wreck your world, then acknowledge
that. Once you have figured that out talk to him.

Ultimately like I said, the key is communication.

You are so full of beans! Stop talking. You have no good advice. You are
so fully wrong!

No. I am joking with you. You are so impeccably right on. :) I love it
when people demonstrate they listen.

Okay, now nod your head and get me there. There being wherever it is to
do the job I need to do. Provide me egress from that job, ingress to the
next one. *tosses you the imaginary keys, gets in the whatever is handy
means of travel as passenger, hums Simple Man as he does*

"Walk the dog, let's go." *grins*

[Visexual]

The, probably, reason he's saying that he's really not wanting to do it, but just fantasize, is that us men are raised to be very homophobic.


I never told my wife about my fantasies and experiences until we'd been married 27 or 28 years. It came up during a time that we were cybering with other couples. It sure took a load off of my mind. Even though she said she thought it was sexy, I still can't really tell her everything and that's my hang-up, not hers.


You've just got to find a way to get him to be completely open and honest with you. And, in talking openly about it you, and he too, might figure out if he's just bi or really gay. BTW..., at his age he doesn't know either.


You say that you're cool with using a strap-on for him? Well, offer to do the complete role-playing and be his guy. And since he's into being dominated a bit, make him suck you too. That's something my wife did with me a couple of times and I wish she'd do more.


Anyway, he's lucky to have a gal like you. You've just got to get him to feel comfortable enough to tell his best friend, you, that he can trust you with all of it.

[madness]

Thanks for the reply guys, I really appreciate them. I'm starting to feel a lot better about things. We have talked and he had been incredibly honest. I feel it's made us closer. I've even picked out my strap on. :P

Only thing is, is that I'm still worried that it's more than he's admitting. He's told me that the guys he messages aren't even attractive to him, it's all about the thought of being dominated and for someone to have sex with him. And guys were the only way he thought he could go about it, as he didn't realise that any girl would be up for that. Do you think this is true? That it's not really the fact it's a guy doing it, he just wants someone to do it... I really want to believe him. I don't want to end up years down the line him coming out as it being more, like you said, I would be devastated.

Thanks again.

[madness]

I really do appreciate all your feedback. I have no one to go to for support or advice. Thanks guys. :)
Any ideas in what other sexual things we could try? I know he's into long boots and the whole dom/sub thing, but other than that? Any ideas would be great. Cheers :)

[Swirl]

Only thing is, is that I'm still worried that it's more than he's admitting. He's told me that the guys he messages aren't even attractive to him, it's all about the thought of being dominated and for someone to have sex with him. And guys were the only way he thought he could go about it, as he didn't realise that any girl would be up for that. Do you think this is true? That it's not really the fact it's a guy doing it, he just wants someone to do it... I really want to believe him. I don't want to end up years down the line him coming out as it being more, like you said, I would be devastated.

Thanks again.

What your guy describes sounds exactly like how it is for me. I am not attracted to guys, not emotionally or really even physically, just sexually. Some say we're attracted from the waist down, although I do draw the line at the hunchback of notre dame. For me, it is about being dominated or being submissive if you like. That is at the core of my bisexuality and was present in my earliest memories as a child. From men, I don't want dinner and a movie, eye gazing, giggling strolls in the park or footsie - those things are for my love, my wife. Men, please fuck me and go away (not all bisexuals are like this but many are, and I am). Now, many many couples engage in strap-on play where the man never ever identifies as bi; domination from time to time by their woman is enough. But be aware that my idea of domination and submission (please fuck me) very much includes the big finish. That's a big part of it, and, you'll find, a very popular subject on this forum. Is it more than he's admitting? Does he even know yet?

I know this is tough stuff and difficult to suddenly get your head around. You're doing well, and I'm very pleased for you that you've made progress and are feeling better. Though, I must observe that between your two post your fears are moving around a bit. Again this is tough stuff. While I agree communication is key, if he is a bit confused and you are a bit confused the communication is what? You would be faultless for taking some days to regroup, to breath deeply and not have to consider or plan out the rest of your life this day. Easy does it. I've heard from women who have gone through this discovery process, and are advising men how to go about it, to give their ladies six months between any massive revelations.

[lokione]

Madness,

First let me say, his behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you personally, it's really about him and is part of his genetic make up.

My guess is you are most concerned with his being gay, is it not? Or perhaps that you're left feeling that you don't satisfy him sexually? I would guess based on the fact that you're together both answers would be NO.

Your boyfriend sounds very similar to me. I've been flirting with bisexual "feelings" for years, but I assure you I'm straight, with no desire to love another man, play with them yes, but love them never going to happen. Fortunately my life partner, a woman, completely supports me and these extremely rare adventures. Now that's what I call love. I consider myself the luckiest man in the world, because I know no one has loved EVERYTHING about me like she does. You see for years I knew my other partners would never accept this minor part of my personality. And it is indeed a very MINOR part.

I hope you find a way to alleviate your fears, and embrace all of your boyfriends being. Then you'll see how relieved he is, how much less stress there is between you two, and perhaps you'll find the right guy to enjoy with him in the future. That my friend is a lot to think about for most people, and it's completely understandable if you can't accept that about him.

But here is a warning, his thoughts of playing around with guys will never go away. Certainly he may box those ideas to protect his relationship with you. Hell, he may NEVER actually play with guy. So I say ask yourself this, can you accept him and his "thoughts and PHYSICAL desire" to play with a guy? If the answer is yes, you my dear are in for one hell of a lot of fun. By embracing and participating you may open FUN doors you could never imagine. But if the answer is no, that you could never accept his fantasies, then you've a lot of hard work to do.

sorry for the so called "straight" talk, but I believe in open honest dialogue above all else and that's why it took me so many years to find my soul mate, who accepts me in my entirety.....We, (he, you and everyone) deserve to find partners who fully accept us. If you find yourself accepting of him, then he will love you back more than you could possibly imagine, because it's such a HUGE relief to be accepted. This I know as a certainty, from my own life experiences.

Good luck darling....

[madness]

"My guess is you are most concerned with his being gay, is it not? Or perhaps that you're left feeling that you don't satisfy him sexually? I would guess based on the fact that you're together both answers would be NO."
I don't think it's either of these I am worried about as we have a great sex life and I know how much he loves and fancies me, I think I am worried that he will eventually give in to the idea and cheat on me. I know i wouldn't be able to let him have sex with someone else unless I was involved too. I have plenty fantasies about other people and doing other things ( having sex with someone/my boyfriend with someone/my boyfriend watching) but I wouldn't cheat to get this. I know my boyfriend would hate it, so we would never do it. Are he sexual feelings so strong that he would cheat? He says he watches gay porn and chats with guys on and off. He said he could go without it easy enough, but is he just saying this to make me feel better. I've told him that if he feels that there is any chance he could want more from a guy, we can split up and I would never tell anyone about it. He knows he can trust me 100%. Thing is, if he had told me that he liked this from day one, I would have done everything I could to sexually satisfy him. It's the fact he was going behind my back and messaging real people. If it was just porn, I don't think I would feel so bad. I really believe he hated it when he met this guy the time we split up because he has trouble talking about it. I don't know it's if it's because he's had it drilled into him that it's wrong or if he really didn't like it, fantasies should stay fantasies?
I really can accept this part of him and I will do whatever we need to do sexually (apart from let him sleep with someone else. I did bring up the idea of us both having a guy to join us, but he doesn't want me having sex with anyone else and says he's doesn't want to have sex with anyone either.) and will enjoy it. (I've always wanted such an open minded boyfriend), but the fear is that he will cheat eventually. Do I stay and risk it, with only myself to blame if I do end up with him straying, or do I believe that it's not as much of a big deal like he says?

Thanks again for all your replies. I just really needed to talk about this. You know what us girls are like? :P Even talking here is making me feel better. Thanks, guys.

[Highlandtown]

Hi Madness, the only way i can think of to "guarantee" that he won't cheat is if you were to allow him to be with another man. That said, it should be something that you discuss and decide together. Your worries and concerns would have to be addressed first and foremost. My fiancée has been actively helping me persue someone for my first time. Looking at ads together asking about responses, holding my hand and giving me advice. (I tend to overthink things) But you are not there yet so take things slow and talk about everything. You may pm me if you have any questions about me and mine.
Cheers!

[SilkyHoseLover]

Hi,

There have been a lot of replies to this point, and several have offered perspectives and suggestions similar to what I would add. Despite the fact that I have many of these same desires, I'll not add my voice to the growing chorus, but I do have a suggestion that relates to your agreeing to use a strap-on in order to give him some experience in receiving anally.

If you've not yet experimented in this area, known as 'pegging', I would highly recommend that you visit Ruby Ryder's Pegging Paradise (http://peggingparadise.com/blog/) and read her excellent advice on how to optimize the experience for both of you. She has a series of articles and FAQs on beginning ass-play, harness types and the best/safest types of dildoes to use. She also has excellent articles for both men and women, addressing many of the questions and fears that you've expressed, including the bisexual component that has plagued you with doubts.

Additionally, she has a series of podcasts that you can listen to where she answers questions that readers and listeners have asked. If you don't see anything that adequately covers your situation, you could even call or write and see if she includes your question in an upcoming podcast.

Bless you for being so loving as to make this attempt for you boyfriend!

[void()]

I really do appreciate all your feedback. I have no one to go to for support or advice. Thanks guys. :)
Any ideas in what other sexual things we could try? I know he's into long boots and the whole dom/sub thing, but other than that? Any ideas would be great. Cheers :)

Oh damn hon. :oh:*gets all sorts of wet* Um erm ... :yikes2:*picks jaw up off floor*

Think I would be in like 9th Nirvana if a lady, especially my Lady decided to use a double ended
dildo in a harness strap on unit. She could then fuck me and make me her little bitch. :wiggle2::bowdown::bounce::bounce::rotate::love87: :2cents:

[elian]

Well if he's been massaging other men the onyl thing I can say is that most people like the sensation of touch and the feeling of being cared for...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEUSwjQaxpQ

I once did watch a double headed dildo porn involving male and female and it was sort of interesting.

[unavida]

Hi Madness,
You are a wonderful girlfriend for taking the time to hear him out and to go as far as to come here and look for further guidance. Personally, I am bi and my wife is fully supportive. She is also bi but she doesn't crave women like I crave men. We were married 7 years before we opened up to one another. Those seven years were a rollercoaster involving 1 affair on my part and 2 by her. They were a result of us being afraid to fully open up sexually with each other. Which caused us to feel fulfilled by the excitation of doing something wrong. I share this with you because I think you have avoided this with your approach. You obviously love him and feel you have something special.

That being said, I draw from my experiences that this isn't over. I'm not saying he is lying to you, but he may be lying to himself still. By creating an environment that allows him to feel comfortable with who he is and not hidden, he may begin to realize and share with you more and more. Like peeling an onion. Does this end with him being gay? NO! He is probably bi...and that's okay. Its as natural as being straight.

The stap-on is a great place to start. If you find that you enjoy doing it, as my wife does, you 2 will find a sexual bond like no other. You have to look at this as an opportunity to find out about yourself as well. You might actually enjoy a bi MMF threesome, I mean there are two horny men there who I bet want you just as much as anything. Figure out what your limits are. You may find yourself encouraging him...it may drive you wild. Conversely, you may find that you only like straight men, and then sadly you know he's not the one for you. But I feel you guys are going to come out of this closer than ever. Since my wife and I have opened up, and have acted on a few fantasies, we are closer than I ever thought imaginable. Cheating is totally out of the question when fucking others together is your apex of stimulation.

Porn can be your best tool for discovery. Test your comfort zone. Watch bisexual couples fuck. Ask each other questions about the scene. How does it make you feel? Did that turn you on? Discovery itself can be better than sex sometimes.

Again, I'm only drawing from my experience and I may be totally off base for your situation. I've been on this site for a few months now and have chatted with many men who think I'm the luckiest guy ever because they feel they can't tell their gf or wife. The truth is I am very lucky, but I also paid a price. Affairs cut deep. I feel that your bf is even luckier. He has a girlfriend who is willing to love him for whoever he turns out to be, and he doesn't have to pay the same price that I did. I commend you for coming to this site. I commend you for hearing him out. I commend you for being willing to grow with him.

If you ever want my wife's perspective, message us and she'd be glad to chat. Good luck.

[void()]

I once did watch a double headed dildo porn involving male and female and it was sort of interesting.

Probably not so much as those guys pushing a pipe into a building on that TV thing. *blush* Still not sure I am keen on the notion of toys in general. But I have been feeling too randy. *points at prescription of Androgel* I blame that stuff. It makes me want to watch lots of TV.