Emotional trouble - Please Read!

[Irishboy81]

Hello everyone,
My name is Pete, I'm 33 from Ireland.
I guess I shall start at my teens. I always knew I was a bit different than "normal" guys my age. While I fancied girls big in every way, I always had a desire/fantasy to be fucked in the ass and cock rubbing. I accepted this and it didn't affect my life - I was comfortable in my skin.
However, in my third year in University I was spotted in a gay bar one night chatting to a guy by one of my classmates who outed me. What proceeded was a rapid decline in my life. All my "friends" had nothing to do with me anymore and my classmates shunned me also. I know this is probably hard for a lot of you to believe, but this was 1990's Ireland - full of backward thinking a holes never a mile from a cow shit in their lives.
Almost immediately, i started analysing myself - Am I really bi? Am I gay and just in denial? Am I straight and just imaging these other desires? Time and again I doubted myself. I convinced myself I was gay, but the burning sexual desires to be with women never subsided and I convinced myself I was straight but the desires to suck cock and be fucked never went.
Anyway, this all completely messed me up in social situations and this has continued to the present day. I met a great girl who knows everything about me, and am a proud dad of three wonderful kids. However,
I just can't deal with myself anymore. When I have to deal with straight guys in work or social situations I get completely anxious. I can't act normal around them and I end up blushing and not being able to make eye contact. Knowing I am going to blush makes it worse and its a vicious circle. It is so bad that if I hear someone coming around the corner and its a guy that wants to talk to me I start blushing and cant breathe. I know this all stems from years ago with loosing all my friends and developing severe shame and anxiety. Its getting worse and I now hate myself and think what kind of a man am I and I must be a shit Dad if I am feeling like this.
To sum up my sexual preferences would be thus - I like everything about women, boobs, pussy, legs, hair, their softness, their voice - everything. I come in seconds which is a problem at times with my girl! When it comes to men, I love sucking cock and being fucked - its like a deep feeling of submission and deep passion. i have no desires ever in my life to fuck a guys ass - it does nothing for me.
Anyways, I guess I am rambling here. What I want is help and maybe see if others can relate to my problems. I really just want to be a functioning human being again in work and social situations. At the moment I feel like a wave of fear coming over me whenever a man approaches or even talks to me. It doesn't matter how they look - I cant even look my dad or brother in the eye these days.:( I get nervous around women, but only sexy ones! This is not a problem for me as I see it as "society doesn't mind this".
Please help me function again - I know I am a good dad, I am talented in my field of work and I am not a bad person.
I just want to be able to talk to guys without making a fool of myself. Why am I like this?

[void()]

I met a great girl who knows everything about
me, and am a proud dad of three wonderful kids. I know I am a good dad,
I am talented in my field of work and I am not a bad person. I just want
to be able to talk to guys without making a fool of myself. Why am I
like this?

First, drive out all the bullshit anyone else has fed you. Keep these
two kernels you've got right here. You know who and what you are, full
stop. No one else can or will define you.

I might suggest locating a trustworthy guy whom doesn't mind being
a fuck bud. Am sure there are guys whom only want to top/Dom. They
always like bottoms/subs. Then, find you a few mates at pub, one or two
trustworthy ones. Take the piss with them about footie, cars, bullshit.
The main point is to relax, knowing well that is easier said than done
at times.

You don't need to be too bothered in telling these "pub mates" jack all
about any fuck bud/s. You can keep that between you, the fuck bud, your
wife. Honestly, it doesn't matter a whit to anyone in general who you
bed. Keep it behind closed doors, bring no harm to others & reasonable,
safe & no one really cares. Yeah there's the nutter lots whom tell ya
how to live. Figure you know enough to drown them out as background
clatter.

Try "combat breathing", in slow through nose, out slow through mouth.
It can help reduce anxiety. Focus on the breathing. This advice from a
dumb American Hillbilly, whom too has not likely been a mile away from
cowshit. *chuckles* He's also a bi guy, married to a straight wife.

[BiBedBud]

Dude,

My goodness, I ‘feel’ for you, and I’m gonna try to explain exactly why and what that could be worth to you. Sorry in advance if I ramble and I jump around, as I’m doing no editing and I type really fast.

First off, I too consider myself 100% in love with women, with an added 10% for men. My interests in men closely match yours, in that I’d love to bottom for a manly man, to please him orally and have a good snog in the process. Unlike a lot of the male posters here; it ain’t about the cock only for me. Altogether, I’d say we probably have more in common than either of us can possibly imagine. The difference between the two of us (relevant to this thread), is that I’ve managed to ‘percolate’ sexually, without any negative attention; whereas the backward sheeple you were born amongst weren’t doing you any favours. That seemed obvious to me on my first impression after having read your post above.

As a reflex, this further made me wonder if perhaps immigration to a fantastic place like Toronto might be just the kind of grand systemic fix that could cure all that ails you. Give it some thought, for sure. If you’re good at what you do, and it’s done in Toronto, Canada; then you’d probably manage reasonably well here. Look into it. A new start amongst people who will take you at ‘face value’, might be enough for you to let go of all that shiyte.

Of course, my very next reflex thought was “Geez, is that the best advice I can manage”? Nope (which is not to say in any way that I’m actually qualified or even regularized or familiarized with this; that I’ve got any real business giving you advice/perspective on YOU – only you can know you the way you need to know – if you know what I mean).

My “read” of what you’ve been through; leads me pretty quickly to “analyze” that “this” was “done to you”. IMO You should consider your involuntary physical responses the result of an injury inflicted upon you by pretty much everyone in your formative life. It’s a tragic shame upon them, IMO; and it doesn’t reflect upon you in any way. Your “problem”, it would seem to me, is that you’ve taken-on all that negativity that was dumped upon you; but you can unload it and be free of it.

In your story, you wrote “Almost immediately, I started analyzing myself”. I think this might be the moment where things started to go wrong for you. Allow me to explain:

You made a mistake right there; and that is why you have “lost your center” (as I would put it – and like I’ve said; I’m not qualified to advise you on your psycho-sexual make-up with ‘professional grade’). You adopted an ‘externalized perspective’ on yourself; and this has caused you to ‘internalize’ the things that most individuals experience as externalities.

Let me explain this point clearly: Most people are pretty self-centered, and not in a bad way. I just mean that they experience their individuality, having thoughts in their head which are ‘centered’ somewhere between their ears (unless they’re thinking about sex, during which time their ‘center’ is momentarily between their legs). For example, if I’m at work and I hear a man coming down the hallway and around that corner; (if I give it a thought at all), perhaps concerning who that could be or what our interaction might entail; my thoughts are what I would describe as ‘outward’.

I might consider how best to execute whatever agenda I might require at that moment. I might wonder if there is something I might need from someone, or something they might want from me; and how I might maximize whatever interaction we might have as we pass in the hallway. You see what I mean? My thoughts go from “me” to “him”, and I wonder what might ‘bounce back’ from that interaction.

Living in a big city, if I pass someone on the sidewalk, chances are I won’t be making much eye contact with them, unless they are in my neighbourhood or other places I might frequent (where I might presumably run into people I know). Navigating the subway or the mall, I’ve noticed that most people make very little eye contact anyway. Markets and malls seem to have more eye contact going on. Libraries, very little.

Because of the nature of my work, I am frequently ‘on site’ amongst many strangers, and I can often not tell who is who in the hierarchy there, or who might be an essential source or covert VIP; so as a matter of ‘technique’ I make a point of making good eye contact with pretty much everyone I encounter. I can only imagine how debilitating it has been for you, especially on the job; not to be able to do the same. This is a big part of why I think you ought to immigrate; because just experiencing large crowds that don’t make eye contact themselves; will probably feel like ‘floating’ for you, if you can relax into it.

You see, from my POV, you’re problem stems from having ‘internalized’ what a guy like me has managed to ‘externalize’; which makes your problem almost entirely a matter of perspective. If you can change your perspective, I believe you can overcome this deftly (and likely without the need for medications, all of which will have side effects that I would counsel, could strongly compound your difficulties).

BTW: Gotta wonder if your *WONDERFUL* wife is reading these words too; so she can understand as well, just what might help you best. I wouldn’t presume to second guess her in any way. From what little I’ve heard about her; she sounds like an amazing blessing that you managed to find out in between those same Irish cow paddies you mentioned above. (I am single, even though I live under bright lights; so you should not lose sight of the luck you’ve had finding her. Please give her an extra kiss today – you don’t have to tell her it’s from me.)

Getting back to the topic at hand: From what I understand; as you’re in the hallway at work, for example; and you hear those distinctively male footsteps coming down the perpendicular hallway, just about to round that same corner you’re walking toward…… Your thoughts are (unlike mine, for example) wondering what that guy’s perspective is on YOU. Your thoughts are inward-reaching in that they originate in the perspective of the other, rather than yourself. You’re wondering about how he sees you; and your very unfortunate personal experience (which I’m not trying to discount in any way) is colouring that expectation – you’re anticipating – you are essentially self-cueing an expectation that he’s going to call you a bad name or think bad things about you, and this is causing you to involuntarily internalize his presumptive thoughts.

Do you see what I mean?

It seems to me that your anticipatory thought process originates in what that other guy is gonna think about you. This causes you shame because of that deeply-ingrained guilt that was the gift of living among all those “God Fearing” bible-thumping, closed-minded, puritanical common folk in your backward patch of Ireland, and having soaked-up all that crap during your entire upbringing. Also, you had the great misfortune of cowardly friends. I can only imagine how awful that must have been for you; how lonely, how isolating, how deeply, deeply saddening; and I want you to know that I am proud of you, that you’ve come as far through it as you have – married to a great girl that understands and supports you, with three great kids who you’re gonna raise much better than you were raised yourself.

What I’d like for you to consider – I mean really think long and hard about, and try to get into this headspace….

What if instead of (as you wrote) “Almost immediately, I started analyzing myself”….. What if instead you ‘Started analyzing society and those around you’. I believe, by analyzing yourself, you found the flaws in you that your rural Irish upbringing told you were there to find; and in the process you internalized a lot of crap that originates in the shiyte between other people’s ears.

A wee bit of academic reading or any experience that might in any way resemble worldliness; would reveal to you that that shyte is a product of society – not of you or how you were ‘made’. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with you (feeling the way you do about same-sex attraction), per se; but rather that the society you find yourself in (that you have experienced, according to what you’ve written above – not to dump my theory on all of the Emerald Isle) is; retrograde, puritanical, closed-minded, backward and homophobic.

What you’ve gotta come to terms with is that that shiyte is on them. It’s theirs. They’ve created it, and they own it. When they get the chance to, they may even champion it; all the while thumping their bible, which IMO is clearly the product of a collective of retrograde, puritanical, closed-minded, backward and homophobic men. FOR THE RECORD: The bible is not the word of God. The thought of that is purely risible – apologies if that offends any Christian reading this, but that’s just how it is. Read your history if you feel otherwise.

Dude – you don’t have to feel this way. You should never have tried analyzing yourself in that first instance – because it seems the lens you used to look through at yourself, was smeared with a lot of other people’s (chiefly biblical) shiyte. Understand that this entails three big errors on your part.

First, I’m sure you’ve heard the Shakespeare “physician, heal thyself”; which was actually an ironic statement (taken in the context in which it was originally written). In fact, real medical doctors know that it is indeed *malpractice* to treat themselves. Likewise, a practicing, professional psycho-analyst would never try to analyze him or herself. As a matter of professional reliability, all psycho-analysts will see their colleagues to receive their own psycho-analysis; to ensure that they are maintaining proper perspective. They would *not* try to psycho-analyze themselves. They would rely on a qualified professional to do that. So your first mistake was even trying to analyze yourself to begin with.

Your second error was using other’s lenses to look at yourself. (Who the fuck are they, anyway?)

Your third likely comes down to your Catholic guilt; which has some “Leviticus” nonsense some asshole wrote into it centuries ago; which you’re still carrying around with you, even though it’s clearly bad for you.

You don’t have to think like this any more. You should think about how fucked up are those around you; that they would treat you that way. You should feel sad for them; that they aren’t worthy to know you in your full incarnation – the way you were made to be. I’m gonna repeat myself now: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, per se; but rather that the society you find yourself in is deeply messed-up, and they’ve managed to foist it upon you.

From what I can read about the thoughtful way you’ve expressed yourself in this thread; the experiences you’ve related. I can tell from all the way over here in Toronto that you’re in fact a very fine human being. I know this as truth. Your wife knows it. Your wonderful kids know it, I’m sure. The problem is, you don’t seem to know it yourself. This is a shame, but it is correctable, if you can change your perspective on yourself. Actually, more to the point, if you can change your perspective on those around you; whoever made you feel askance about yourself; the people who pushed you off your center – if you can see them as the lowly ‘retrograde, puritanical, closed-minded, backward and homophobic’ assholes they are – you wouldn’t take-on their Leviticus-BS.

The other thing you’ve really got to realize is that other people aren’t mind readers (most of them, anyways). It is very likely that a man you encounter for the first time will look at you and wonder about perhaps 100 things before he wonders if you’re gay or bi or whatever; unless he fancies you himself! That’s right – most people will take you at ‘face value’ and will not read too much into you; likely never your most deeply held desires and beliefs. From what I understand, straight guys (and I’m just guessing here, because I consider myself bi); most truly straight guys won’t look at another guy and wonder if he’s gay. In fact, straight guys won’t wonder about guys much at all, mostly because they’re too busy wondering about gals to give a flying fuck about guys. From years watching the behaviour of straight guys in straight bars and clubs, straight guys are watching the girls, and if they give any thought or glance toward another guy who isn’t a pal of theirs; it’s concerning some kind of threat assessment (a lot of primal behaviour comes out when people are drinking).

To be clear: Truly straight men don’t usually go around wondering of the men they encounter are gay. If a guy is constantly wondering who is gay around them; it’s more than likely that they’re wondering who *else* is gay around them (i.e. they are in denial themselves, about their own same-sex attractions). Count your lucky stars again, dude; you don’t have that problem.

HOLY CRAP: Dude, it’s late for what I had otherwise planned to do this evening, and I’ve gotta go now. Please try to read this post a few times; I know it’s kinda deep.

The other tid bit of advice I’d like to impart is perhaps even deeper…….

As we live and breathe, body and mind are connected. Your body and your mind are connected. Your problem is essentially that your mind is causing you physical responses that you are experiencing as blushing and anxiety (racing heart, difficulty breathing, loss of composure, etc.). This is your mind affecting your body.

Lucky for you, things can work in reverse. Body can affect the mind. Use your physical self to heal your mental self. (Actually, you should use both your body and your mind to heal yourself, particularly since the two can generate a powerful synergy that will effectively cure you of all this.)

TO WIT:

1. Use your mind to heal your mind – adopt a better perspective, as described above. Don’t internalize what should have been externalized. Reject their crap, don’t inject it between your ears.

2. Use your body to heal your mind, part A: Dude, when was the last time you had a really good, I mean *excellent* “deep tissue massage” delivered either by a qualified and excellent ‘Registered Massage Therapist’ or the like? Alternatively, someone who really cares for you, who has strong hands or understands how to give a good massage…. Getting a really good massage will certainly help with your anxiety condition. Few things relax me quite the way as a really good massage. Here in Toronto, we’ve got it all. I would recommend to you someone with “Eastern” training like in Shiatsu. The Eastern healing arts have always appreciated the tremendously strong connection between body and mind. Here in the West, far too many of us have forgotten that. We’re all too much in our own heads.

3. Use your body to heal your mind, part B: For goodness sake; a clearer need for someone to take-up Yoga I have never read on here before. This is a self-healing art that you can easily take upon yourself without asking anyone for anything, even a massage. (Although, the massage is always gonna be a good idea, IMO.) I want you today, right now; to find a good book on Yoga, and become a devotee. Practice Yoga daily (not that I do, but I would if I could find the time). Yoga is a *science* or an *engineering discipline* for the strengthening the bond between body and mind. It will make you a stronger individual – more powerfully centered – and it will bring you more into your own being than pretty much anything else I can think of.

4. Consider immigrating to wonderful Toronto, Canada; where cosmopolitain is a way of life; where we're all too diverse to care about those who are different than we are ourselves. We've got a full-flavour LGBTQ community(s) here; plenty of *excellent* professional masseures, and Yoga studios everywhere, it seems. Also, this is the economic capital of a G7 country, where there are plenty of work opportunities, particularly if you are good at what you do. Seriously, consider this one also.

Dude, I hope that helps, I’ve gotta go! I will watch this thread as much as I can – my very best wishes to you!

PS: Just read void()’s post above, and I’ve gotta concur that there are many breathing techniques that are specifically intended to counter anxiety. This stuff is elementary to Yoga. Yoga – I can’t say enough about it – it’s thousands of years old, and it’s tried and tested – a true science in every sense of the word (replicable results, if you apply the lessons). BEWARE: In the West, there are a lot of fakers who think Yoga is just about performing a bunch of ‘weird’ postures. Actually, there’s much, much more to it than that. If you can find a real-deal “expert” (likely from Southern India, or who has trained there, or who ascribes to those teachings); they *or the book they’ve written* will most certainly provide you with great help.

As a favour to your *wonderful wife*, while you’re book-shopping for a good, beginners guide on Yoga that covers basics like breathing and postures and theory and ideally specific mention of Yogic ‘asanas’ or postures for treating anxiety issues; ALSO acquire a book specifically on “Kundalini Yoga” and also “Tantric Sex” (‘Tantra’ is also a Yogic practice). Read-up on these topics online -- there' lots of info there as well.

BEST WISHES!

BiBedBud

[elian]

I can be introverted and extremely self-consceious at times. A good friend of mine who is a nudist once explained it to me like this, "These people don't know you from adam" - meaning that if they are strangers they have no idea -who- you are or what history you have..by default a lot of people will try to relate to you through common interests.

He explained that at the nudist parties he goes to, yes - people do stare at each other for about 5 minutes (I guess it's sort of human curiosity), but usually after a while they strike up a conversation and are just good friends - there's nothing really sexual about it - and the people there come in all different shapes and sizes.

I remember being very anxious around straight men, finally one guy who I really like said, "You don't have to be afraid of me." He was pretty gruff and curt too, but I kept saying "Hi" to him every morinng, we've run into each other outside of work a few times and so we've become more comfortable with each other. It just takes time and patience.. He is really cute, but has a girlfriend and knowing how hard it is to find a loving partner (hello void -hugs-) I wouldn't want to interfere with their relationship.

I have a feeling some of the more sexually active people at work figured out that I like men, but they are nice enough not to say anything about it directly and I don't volunteer much (I'm not at work to have sex, I'm at work to work).

It's not easy to rebuild your self-confidence when you've been hurt badly, but it is possible. All people are a part of creation worthy of love and respect.

See if you can find a group of folks who are open-minded, that have a few similar interests to yours - not necessarily sexual, but just to have as a sort of support group so you have some folks to talk with. As I find that I can relate (or at least empathize/sympathize) with my friends more, my level of self-confidence and understanding of others increases as well.

There are things that each person struggles with in life, sharing the experiences seems to help.

[Visexual]

I don't have any suggestions on how to overcome your anxiety attacks. You might want to consult a counselor about them.

But it might help to stop trying to evaluate your heterosexuality and bisexuality. I see scales and even tried to put myself on one number or the other and then realized it didn't matter one little bit. Why should I care?

If I see a woman that makes me want to have sex with them, well, it makes me feel good. And if I meet a man who I like and wonder about his cock, well, that makes me feel good too. Do I tell them? Of course not unless I get to know them that well.

Different things make different people feel good and it's nice to feel good. Sex is a pleasure regardless of the gender you're enjoying it with. There's just nothing wrong with pleasure!

[Socurious34]

The shame placed on you by those peers years ago is telling your subconcious to be ashamed to look at men, hence the lack of eye contact and anxiety. Your afraid of being discovered again! You have to make peace with the past and accept who you are which is not at all an uncommon male. Many males secretly desire or fantazize about other men. Its ok! If you can get to a place of comfort within, you will see it transition out. By the way i adore the irish accent, im irish myselfntho generations removed to America. If ai could I'd kiss you right now my friend.. Be proud of who u are!

[void()]

(hello void -hugs-)

( returns the hug, and hungrily Gonzo snogs ) Missing you honey. And hey by the way. :)

[elian]

Oh, and don't forget to "play" - as it turns out, it's pretty important..

http://www.onbeing.org/program/play-spirit-and-character/143

[tenni]

Hi Pete

My advice is similar to Visexual

You are being far too hard on yourself and it is unlikely that a sentence or two from some unknown person is going to resolve your issues for you.
If you feel that you are not functioning at a comfortable level, it may be time to seek counselling from a therapist. Make sure that they are bisexually friendly counsellor and not just a gay positive counsellor.

Beyond that, I would like to tell you that you seem to be trying to force yourself to pick one gender over the other. Try to relax and accept your attraction to both genders. The attractions like may bisexual men are not really the same and you are trying to compare them as if you need to make a choice.

Society makes a big taboo about being attracted to the same gender. You write that you enjoy a sexual act with men rather than an overall physical attraction like you do with women. In my opinion, this is a fairly common statement from bisexual men and especially those who have not integrated their attractions. If you are also Irish Catholic, you may have guilt deeply ingrained into your being and to add to that the reactions of people when you were younger seem to have had on you.

[Irishboy81]

Hi Pete

My advice is similar to Visexual

You are being far too hard on yourself and it is unlikely that a sentence or two from some unknown person is going to resolve your issues for you.
If you feel that you are not functioning at a comfortable level, it may be time to seek counselling from a therapist. Make sure that they are bisexually friendly counsellor and not just a gay positive counsellor.

Beyond that, I would like to tell you that you seem to be trying to force yourself to pick one gender over the other. Try to relax and accept your attraction to both genders. The attractions like may bisexual men are not really the same and you are trying to compare them as if you need to make a choice.

Society makes a big taboo about being attracted to the same gender. You write that you enjoy a sexual act with men rather than an overall physical attraction like you do with women. In my opinion, this is a fairly common statement from bisexual men and especially those who have not integrated their attractions. If you are also Irish Catholic, you may have guilt deeply ingrained into your being and to add to that the reactions of people when you were younger seem to have had on you.

Thanks everyone for the replies. It is refreshing to talk and see that there are people out there who care. Thanks for taking the time for such thoughtful responses.
I went to a counsellor before who was a gay male. I just knew from the start that he thought i was gay and in denial - pushing the gay agenda. I could see he thought bisexuality was a myth - he ended up doing me more harm than good.
I guess also there is no outlet for me to talk to people - bisexual people must be hiding in the long grass over here. I cant talk to straight people about things and I cant talk to gay people because in my experience the vast majority dont recognise us as having a legitimate sexuality.
I know I have been deeply damaged by events of the past and I have let things spiral out of control mentally. I also know I have currently zero or little self esteem - everyone is better than me in my mind. Its pathetic and sad really.
In response to the poster above - emigration has been discussed but my better half isn't prepared to do anything. Ireland is a shit hole these days - mess of a government, catholic church still not having to answer for their crimes against children etc.. I would love to move to a more enlightened place but it aint going to happen - I would die missing my family.
Thanks to you all again.

[tenni]

Pete
There are apparently quite a few Irish workers of the building construction kind who have immigrated to Canada in the past five years or so. Alberta is a booming province with the oil sands going on. Canada has some of the most progressive same sex marriage laws and sexuality equality laws in the world. (We are lagging on Transexual rights though but that is not your issue) However, Alberta is a bit red neck by Canada's standards..lol (Drew may dispute this point though..he is the owner of the site and lives in Calgary Alberta) Even England may have more positive attitudes towards bisexuals.

Do try again to find a bisexual positive therapist. As you have sadly found out gay positive is no where near the same as a bisexual positive therapist. Some gay people do make good bisexual positive therapists but a bisexual therapist will have a deeper understanding usually. Even a heterosexual may be bisexual positive as a therapist but again not the same deeper understanding. In your case, the anxiety may be what needs to be dealt with and its sexuality context has grown to be a side issue..not sure..just a thought.

I wish you well with your decisions. I have to believe that there are bi positive therapists in Dublin or somewhere.

Best of fortune to you.

[querty]

Hey Pete,
While the advice here is all good, perhaps you should seek out some professional counseling. No need to go this alone.

I have some experience in the field, and I've taken advantage of it more than once in my time and it was extremely helpful. In fact, discussions around my sexuality were a big part of it. The one on one, real time, exchange of dialog in counseling (talk therapy) with a trained individual I believe would help you a great deal. For me, it was only a short while before I actually began to look forward to my appointments as a safe place and time to explore myself and the drivers behind my feelings and how I interacted with the world. In fact, after just one appointment, I felt much better simply because I now had a path forward and knew help was on the way

You may feel, as I did at first, that to go to such counseling is a sign of weakness. Try to set that aside, for it is not. Hell, it's no sign of weakness to go to the Dr. with physical issues, so why would it be so to go see a Dr. for emotional troubles?

Deep breath my friend.

[semibi]

I read your post, Void()'s post and BiBedBud's post.

I am more like you than I'd like to be. I don't quite freak out and blush when a man walks near me, thankfully. And, I have gotten much more comfortable around men than I once was. But, reading what you wrote, I could relate to the sentiment. It took me some time and effort to begin to move past it. Like you seem to be, I am introverted, which means introspective and overly analytical.

I'd say that the advice you got from the first two posts I read was right on. I'd be happy to discuss further, if you'd like to send me an email through the site.

Best.

[semibi]

While the advice here is all good, perhaps you should seek out some professional counseling. No need to go this alone.

I don't mean to shun the advice of counseling. I talked extensively with counselors when I decided to face my sexuality issues. I enjoyed the experience and the counselors helped to some degree, but they didn't help me much on this issue. What helped a lot more was making a diligent effort to relax and reduce anxiety. Interacting more with men helped as well, straight men in person and bi men online.

[BiBedBud]

Dude,

Something else just came to mind….. (which I hope will help you)…………

Although I would generally consider myself a composed individual; I actually do experience much the same feeling of anxiety, whenever I call into a radio call-in show. It’s very strange for me, because I can comfortably speak to groups and even crowds; but somehow when I call up that radio station, a very strong anxiousness comes over me.

I can combat this quite effectively, because I understand how ‘energy’ or ‘chi’ or ‘prana’ courses through my body.

Sparing you a lot of detail…. Many anxiety disorders are the result of a ‘blockage’ in the way this energy circulates through the body. Sometimes this blockage is the result of a defective mental process (which seems the case for you); and sometimes it can be purely physical. By improving this circulation of energy, the anxiety can be brought under control and then dissolved.

So, for example, when I feel anxious as I wait on the phone for that radio host to pick my call up; I make sure that my tongue is in total contact with the roof of my mouth (which ensures that my energy channel is complete/intact); and that I’m inhaling slowly and deeply, drawing-in air through my nose, and breathing it into the very bottom of my belly. Rather than my chest rising as I draw-in air, I make sure that my belly – my belly button, actually – is drawn outward with every breath. If I’m feeling particularly anxious, I exhale through my mouth, imagining myself blowing-out that anxiousness as I exhale. In Yoga, these and other breath-focused and visualization-empowered techniques are called “pranayama”; and they are truly powerful (but also potentially dangerous, so be careful and follow expert advice, which would preclude my advice, most assuredly).

My guess is that when you are feeling especially anxious, you are in fact drawing in short/curt breaths; breathing almost exclusively within the top-third of your lungs. This leaves the bottom part of your lungs under-inflated; and so your blood flow will be under-oxygenated. This under-oxygenated blood will further trigger a panic reaction in your brain (or actually, your brain stem – the ‘reptile brain’ – which is where your respiratory reflex originates). In conditions like this, *anybody* would feel anxious.

For all you other peeps reading this; just try this as an experiment. Breath rapid, shallow breaths in the top third of your lungs. Pretty quickly, you’ll feel that same anxiousness. Now try the alternative: Take in deep, slow, smooth breaths that draw-out your belly (thereby fully inflating your lungs, and getting fresh air into the bottom portion of your lungs). Do this "belly breathing" while your tongue is pressed completely in total contact with the roof of your mouth; inhale slowly through the nose, exhale just as slowly, through the mouth. Pretty quickly, you’ll feel that sense of calm (I hope!).

NB: Sleeping babies do the 'belly breathing' without any instruction. It's a shame we forget that in adulthood.

Hope that helps too!

Best wishes,

BiBedBud

[Irishboy81]

Dude,

Something else just came to mind….. (which I hope will help you)…………

Although I would generally consider myself a composed individual; I actually do experience much the same feeling of anxiety, whenever I call into a radio call-in show. It’s very strange for me, because I can comfortably speak to groups and even crowds; but somehow when I call up that radio station, a very strong anxiousness comes over me.

I can combat this quite effectively, because I understand how ‘energy’ or ‘chi’ or ‘prana’ courses through my body.

Sparing you a lot of detail…. Many anxiety disorders are the result of a ‘blockage’ in the way this energy circulates through the body. Sometimes this blockage is the result of a defective mental process (which seems the case for you); and sometimes it can be purely physical. By improving this circulation of energy, the anxiety can be brought under control and then dissolved.

So, for example, when I feel anxious as I wait on the phone for that radio host to pick my call up; I make sure that my tongue is in total contact with the roof of my mouth (which ensures that my energy channel is complete/intact); and that I’m inhaling slowly and deeply, drawing-in air through my nose, and breathing it into the very bottom of my belly. Rather than my chest rising as I draw-in air, I make sure that my belly – my belly button, actually – is drawn outward with every breath. If I’m feeling particularly anxious, I exhale through my mouth, imagining myself blowing-out that anxiousness as I exhale. In Yoga, these and other breath-focused and visualization-empowered techniques are called “pranayama”; and they are truly powerful (but also potentially dangerous, so be careful and follow expert advice, which would preclude my advice, most assuredly).

My guess is that when you are feeling especially anxious, you are in fact drawing in short/curt breaths; breathing almost exclusively within the top-third of your lungs. This leaves the bottom part of your lungs under-inflated; and so your blood flow will be under-oxygenated. This under-oxygenated blood will further trigger a panic reaction in your brain (or actually, your brain stem – the ‘reptile brain’ – which is where your respiratory reflex originates). In conditions like this, *anybody* would feel anxious.

For all you other peeps reading this; just try this as an experiment. Breath rapid, shallow breaths in the top third of your lungs. Pretty quickly, you’ll feel that same anxiousness. Now try the alternative: Take in deep, slow, smooth breaths that draw-out your belly (thereby fully inflating your lungs, and getting fresh air into the bottom portion of your lungs). Do this "belly breathing" while your tongue is pressed completely in total contact with the roof of your mouth; inhale slowly through the nose, exhale just as slowly, through the mouth. Pretty quickly, you’ll feel that sense of calm (I hope!).

NB: Sleeping babies do the 'belly breathing' without any instruction. It's a shame we forget that in adulthood.

Hope that helps too!

Best wishes,

BiBedBud

Thank you for taking the time to post such insightful and helpful advice. I will try and adopt some of these techniques.
I have to change as my career is suffering too - I am not applying for senior roles which I would have a good chance of getting due to fear of the new people and interactions I would have to face.
I think if I could stop the initial reaction when someone approaches or I have to approach someone (unintentionally stopping breathing and feeling of fear plus blushing) I would have so much more ability to interact and at least function to some degree of normality. When that initial reaction occurs it is too late. At the end of the day it even happens with older people and others whom I have no sexual attraction to whatsoever - it is like I start to analyse and picture them "on top of me" or just seeing their eyes "burrowing into my inner most thoughts" when they look me in the eye. It seems to be a reaction i have let my brain develop and take over the function of my body - I agree. It cant be just all sexuality related if it happens when talking to eldery folk too.. Its more of a shame thing in these instances - I think..!
Anyhow, thanks again.

[elian]

If I went around picturing all of the people I ever saw "on top of me" I think I might be a little anxious too - there are some very cute ones, and some not so cute ones. "Sex" has been a part of my life for probably longer than most people would consider healthy..not that I'm actually having any - but sexual thoughts and desires anyway. I try to channel some of that into love and affection, friendship rather than sex..

I don't know if I can really offer any more advice to help you..other than we all have the same parts..

I have spent more time than is probably healthy trying to gather inspirational materials off the internet, but I'm not sure if I have anything that will specifically help the level of anxiety you are experiencing. Someone suggested Yoga, have you thought about trying a buddhist mediation practice? I am horrible at it, but just learning about the concept of "lovingkindness" helped me to overcome a sense of self loathing I used to feel over the fact that I was happy being with men.

I learned love from Jesus Christ, but I learned forgiveness from Buddhism..Christians just don't seem to do forgiveness very well, which is weird considering that the whole point of Jesus' ministry is that God no longer wanted to be in the "sin accounting" business.

Anyway, maybe some of these will help..most of this content is not mine, but I found it interesting..

http://smallsphere.wordpress.com

I don't necessarily think of myself as Christian, but I think that focusing on fear and damnation is the wrong approach so I often post things that I think are a bit more enlightened way to look at their philosophy.. I don't know if you are a religious person or not but I find that at least here in the US religion can be used to instill a sense of guilt against LGBT folks.