help... (honesty and guilt continued)

[FLapple]

I was reading the honesty or guilt thread and posted this... but I want some input... please help me...

I am having great difficulty in this area and am at a crossroads.

I have been faithful for 10 years and am sexually frustrated... our relationship is wonderful in all areas but the bedroom. He is affectionate and truly kind...we are best friends. But... I have a very high sex drive and his is almost nonexistant. He's ok with this, but I'm not. I've been very honest and open with him, but nothing has changed.

What do I do now?

[jedinudist]

Hon- we wish you all the very best.

Ask him that question before asking us. Maybe a counselor could help?

[Long Duck Dong]

mmmm you come and see me lol..... oh wait ya faithful and i am well behaved lol

ok sit him down and lay it on the line.....be blunt... and say to him that you love him... respect him and wanna stay with him... and while he is happy with his sex life... you are busy getting ready to bury yours in the garden

he needs to know that if he is contented to allow things to remain the same, that you are gonna be forced to either buy a battery factory for ya toys.... or he is gonna have to decide if he is happy if you seek furfillment outside the relationship, without the intention of harming the relationship or hurting him

part of what you need to make very clear to him... is that the relationship is your top priority.... its your life and something you want to keep.....but a area of your desires is not being meant in the relationship and so you desire to meet that need, but sadly he is not meeting you half way so you are meeting him half way... you are telling him your needs, and giving him the chance to decide just how you meet them with his blessing but there will be none of the * his way or nothing *

[Azrael]

I would definetely advise bringing this up to your husband. Perhaps something else in his life is sapping his will? Overworked maybe? I don't know what to say really, except try to give him a chance.

[csrakate]

Usually at this point I would suggest total open and honest disclosure but I am afraid you may have passed that point in your marriage after ten years.

You have given him no reason to doubt that what you have experienced the last ten years hasn't been working for you individually and unless you are intimate enough with one another, I can't see that happening any time soon. Intimacy and honesty go hand in hand and until you feel comfortable enough to state how you feel, nothing is ever going to change.

Sounds to me like the two of you need to talk...don't be afraid to go there..after all, if you can't be honest with your life partner, then who can you be honest with?

Hugs,
Kate

[FLapple]

the thing is... i have been open and honest with him about everything...for all 10 years. i've told him what i need and he hasn't done anything about it. i am not one to play games or expect him to read my mind, so i have said everything in an open, honest and respectful way all along. at first he tried to accomodate me more... not enough, but more. but in the past couple of years he has chosen to do nothing, but expects me to remain faithful. he would rather ignore the problem and hope it goes away. he is very affectionate... but i want to do more than just cuddle all the time! i'm very sensual and liberated sexually, so i just don't get it. i've done everything. i'm tired of getting turned down for sex...6 times a year is hard to deal with when you really want it nearly every day.

help!

[ozbabe2005]

Wow this is a difficult one...but if its any help I can assure you that alot of bisexuals go through this is there married or have been. I too am married and love my husband BUT I do have other needs and he is unfortunately not on my level of enthusiasum, shall we say, for these needs.

It got to the point where I just decided to have an honest chat with him and was even brave enough to state that whilst he knew i have thoughts for women it was dangerous for us as a couple to not have a sex life ourselves and that would surely only endanger our own relationship. In effect I kindly said that I wasnt sure if i could be strong enough not to wander wildly if we didn't sort it.

You don't say whether your on this site because your bisexual and have you told your husband this ? I only ask because my husband already knew because I try to be honest with him and I think this made him appreciate the difficulties having no sexual relationship with him was putting me, and him, in.

I dont know if that helps but if nothing else you might get comfort in the fact that your not alone and sometimes our path is not particularly an easy one.

OzBabe

[Driver 8]

There's a book called The Sex-Starved Marriage (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743227328/102-8220490-5029720?v=glance&n=283155) that you might take a look at. It's written with one section for the low-desire spouse and one section for the high-desire spouse - if your husband thinks this is just your problem, it might be a much-needed wake-up call. Has some practical advice for fixing things too, as I recall.

[anne27]

My hubby's sex drive doesn't match mine, but not to the extent that y'all are dealing with, it seems. 6 times a year would kill me. I don't deal well with sexual frustration. Spontaneous human combustion. Big badaboom.

1-I agree with what's been said, first off he needs a medical checkup to make sure he's not suffering a medical condition that inhibits the sex drive.
2-Marriage counseling would help. At least he might then understand that it is a huge problem for you, and not just normal spousal grousing.
3-Some form of open marriage on which you both can agree.
4-If you love him and there is no compromise, you have the choice to stay with him and buy lots of sex toys and live as you have been living, or leaving him.

Best of luck to you!

[UnclearOnItAll]

I've been dealing with this issue for going on 20 years. To the world, I would seem to have a great marriage..we spend lots of time together, we talk, we have wonderful children. But what might seem a simple issue (You want sex, he doesn't) is actually incredibly complex and possibly unsurmountable.

It might be about a lot of things. Psychological issues, control, anger, fear or any combination of them. Resolving these issues can be terribly complicated and it requires the person to want to address them. Since you are the one who is suffering for the lack of sex, not them, they are not likely to feel any sense of urgency in resolving them.

My wife and I have tried sex therapy, marriage counseling and lots of self-help attempts. Its hard to raise the issue because, after all, deep down its hard to ask for a more physical relationship because theres something in most of us that feels if the person loves you you, shouldn't have to constantly ask for it. On their side, they are probably thinking that if you truly love them, it should be with or without sex. Plus, when a person engages in something like sex out of a sense of obligation, believe me, it is apparent.

Once the issue is raised, my wife sometimes agrees to try something like counseling which marginally helps, but eventual things get back to the way it was.

The problem is that when it does, you start feeling pathetic when you keep having to fight rejection, leaving what becomes, for the person who wants more, the overriding emotion from the situation which is simply RESENTMENT.

An open marriage wouldn't work because if he has no drive, hes not looking for himself and he would probably get terribly jealous.

I choose not to divorce mostly because of my children. In our case, where we don't fight, our children would not be better off if we were divorced and I will not raise them part time.

So I muddle through. Some by exploring web sites like this, some by writing (my therapy) and by trying to stay busy with other things. But believe me, as for a quick fix, there probably isn't one.

[Long Duck Dong]

mmmm.... its easy to give advice for you as one partner... but since hubby hasn't presented his thoughts... its a lil hard

now i do have a few tricks up my sleeve lol..... and well if I stated exactly what they were, 90% of the spiritual and psychic community would have a screaming fit as what i can do, flies in the face of a lot of the * rules and laws * of spirituality... but it gets the results needed

so... hubbies inner thoughts.....

I sense , hes not a sexual being... that basically means that sexual intercourse with him and you, is not what he seeks.... its a bit like a male that finds sexual contentment and furfillment from the hugs and kisses.... not full sexual intercourse... trying to change that would change him... and no amount of counselling or therapy can change something that is not broken... relationship counselling will address the issue of the lack of sex... but thats about it

he is secure in the relationship and the level of trust around you is quite high...its not arrogant knowledge, but more the knowledge that you love him, respect him and are way too caring and honest to hurt him without good cause....

honestly and bluntly....short of buying a big supply of batteries....you have the choice of fighting the on going battle.... or surrendering to a sex less life...unless you go the full distance and go outside the relationship to furfill your needs... and that would take total honesty and I know you would be totally honest... its in your nature....but there is no way to tell exactly how it will affect the relationship

the one thing i didn't wait to say... but avoiding it is impossible.... is to sit down with him and say that if the problem is untreated and unsolved... it WILL destory the relationship cos it is causing a lot of unneeded hurt and suffering... and its time that the issue was worked on before that happens... cos you are human and tho you love him.... you have a breaking point

[hillwalker54]

HI FLApple,

I've been dealing with the same problem with the wife for about the same amount of time! Not much in the way of comfort i can offer except that you are not alone:-) I went the same route, talk, talk, talk, and get things in the open. Went to a therapist, she has endocrine issues but won;t do the drug thing. In my case the issue was complicated by my "opening my eyes" and discovering that i had bisexual tendencies. That is still my secret!

I know just what you are going through... Torn to remain fathful, but torn for that part of our sexual being. Think going outside the marriage carefully before you do. Once you do there is no turning back really. I'm not proud but i have done this,I think more to proove to myself the problem wasn't ME!

In the end if HE doesn;t have the desire to solve the problem and help himself, all your effort will be useless. That i learned through my situation. I hate to say it that way but it seems the cold hard truth.

Hopijng you find the strength to figure this out.

[deletetacount123]

Dear FLApple,

I went through something like this with my ex. :-(
It seemed my ex had no interest in sex after we got married... not even just a kiss or hug when coming home from work!!!

We had other issues too but he never showed any love for me and whenever I was in the mood he would be way to busy with his computer games.. I don't care if he wants to play some nights but it would be nice to spent time with your wife!!!

I tired everything...... it did nothing to bring up his sex drive. I got really fusterated and was just feeling unloved.
Hes a great friend.... but I wanted to be hugged, kissed, I wanted the love in the lovemaking to.
Here I am, reading all these things about sex and lovemaking, some which I would love to try and experience but he never wanted any of that... it was more of a "Hi... boom boom(intercourse)... bye" thing,
People I had spoken too on this site and off made me feel very upset cause I was missing out on a lot of things!! lol But I know they were trying to help
:-)

Finally I just felt hurt cause he could be flirtly in an online game we played and never towards me (never flirted to me! when all the other real life couples in the game flirtied with each other).... he would rather TALK in voice chat than to talk to me!!! and accussed me of being unfair when I said "can you quit chatting on that thing and talk to me??"
He was VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY hard to talk to .. seriously, you try to talk to him about something serious and he didn;t want to talk about it.

I just couldn't live with someone like that so I caught him before he sat down to play his game... I started to talk to him and he was getting his "don't want to talk about it" moods..... I just blurted out "well, maybe we're better off as friends only!!" that.... got him talking lol
But in the end we decided it was better that we split and just be friends.

Now I can go on my search for the real "right" person.
Someone that knows how to give love back :-)

All I can say to you is maybe you need to think about your marriage... if your sex life isn't happy, its gonna hurt the marriage. Mine did but Im a lot happier right now :-)
Talk to him :-)

Tasha

[Herbwoman39]

Oh sweetie...((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))

I have been right there where you are with my first husband. I went the same route as many others here have already discussed. I begged him to get help. I told him repeatedly that it was affecting our relationship. Nothing made a difference.. For two years it went on like this. In that time we had sex twice.

Someone said previously that once you make the decision to go outside the marriage, there is no going back. It's very true. Once you cheat, there is no way to ever undo that. Even if your spouse never finds out, you have to live with that guilt until the end of your days.

Think VERY carefully about what is most important to you. I KNOW how frustrating and demeaning it is to be turned down repeatedly. But you've got to ask yourself if lack of sex is worth losing an otherwise wonderful relationship.

And now that I've been preachy (forgive me if I've been dramatic), I'm going to suggest some things that might actually help.

A) Have him get a hormone screening. It could be as simple as a low metabolism.

B)There are aphrodesiac essential oils that you can diffuse in the bedroom. The molecules of the oils are small enough to pass through the Blood-Brain barrier and have been scientifically proven to affect brain chemistry. If you're interested in that, email me and I can give you a formula to whip up.

C)Talk to him about an open relationship. I understand he won't be looking for himself, but that might scare him into realizing that you're needs are going unfulfilled.

D) Toys. I know...they're not the same by a long shot, but it's better than nothing if you're comitted to staying in the marriage.

Keep us apprised and let us know what's happening ok? You can always email me and we'll talk.

[FLapple]

Thank you all so much for your insightful and supportive comments! It brought tears to my eyes to know that total strangers were willing to take the time to think about my problem and help me work through it. You are all such wonderful people and I so value your opinions, advice and words of encouragement. I will keep you updated and hopefully things will work out for the best.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!! xxoo K

[EludedSunshine]

Thank you all so much for your insightful and supportive comments! It brought tears to my eyes to know that total strangers were willing to take the time to think about my problem and help me work through it. You are all such wonderful people and I so value your opinions, advice and words of encouragement. I will keep you updated and hopefully things will work out for the best.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!! xxoo K
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