What should I do?

[strawberry8302]

Ok, here's the story. I have a friend that's so immature it's not even funny. She and I are not on the best of terms at this point because at one point when we were best friends, she chose dick (a man) over me, and you never do that to your best friend. We stopped speaking for about 3 months, in which time she realized her mistake and came crying back to me, telling me she was sorry. I forgave her, but I instantly knew our friendship was never gonna be the same because of how she treated me. She still sees me as a best friend, I just see her as a friend. I'm not sure if she knows that I don't see her as a best friend anymore, but I don't really care. Shes one of those people that I don't really care if they're in my life or not. The main reason why I'm still friends with her is because I feel sorry for her; I'm the only one she's got. Her family treats her like shit, and she doesn't have any real friends, they all backstabbed her--except for me. So anyway, let me give you some details on her personality:
She's immature, she needs CONSTANT attention, she's addicted to sex and can't keep her legs closed, she's always trying to get with guys and will date a few guys at a time if she can, she doesn't have much common sense and doesn't think before speaking (making her look dumb), she's loud, she's quick to want to fight someone and anyone, she doesn't learn life lessons if bad things happen to her, she makes stupid life decisions, she doesn't have any goals or any plan for where her life is gonna go, she loves with her vagina, and she keeps putting me in the middle of her relationship problems (asking me to call guys if they stop trying to speak to her or want to have nothing to do with her--she doesn't realize that these guys think she's a slut and only want to have sex with her for whatever amount of time they want).

So frankly, I think she's a pathetic slut who needs help, but I don't know how to get it to her. Any ideas?

[Long Duck Dong]

* puts on his dr phil hat, and sits you down *


" ok, you have just described your friend... in words that are negative, and hurtful.... but truthful about how you see her "

" now, why do you think she acts the way she does *

ok strawberry I read ya post, and i actually think its a one sided view..... but you shared enuf info to show us all a possible other side of your friend....
the comments about how YOU are the only person in HER life that has NOT shit on her....that tells me that is the reason why she regards you as the best thing since sliced bread

if I am correct, she have never been allowed to grow up and become a butterfly...to shine with the same light as most of us.... and so she has become a person that uses anything she can to become loved, respected and loved... however, she is choosing the people that will abuse that willingliness to give, and so the circle continues

its not about sending her to a counsellor, a therapist, a brain surgeon...and saying " there you go,... now i have a life to live, come back when you are better ".......its about sitting your friend down and taking the time to talk to her and been direct, blunt and honest...

as you said in ya post, your friend realised her mistake and returned to the friendship.. and that is saying that your friend made was wrong for leaving the friendship, even tho you feel she is a self destructive person...so the question has to be asked.... do you feel she is a friend in need.... or a person that you can see the mistakes of, and feel good that you are not doing that same thing in your life

look her in the face and tell her, that its her life, and yes she can lead it how she wants, but you are her friend... and it hurts you to see people treat her like yesturdays rubbish... and you don't want to sit there and watch that,
you want to see the good things happening for her as she is a good person... but you feel that you are not able to give all the help and direction she needs to get all the good things she desires and deserves
so you would love to help her... you wanna help her... but you feel she needs somebody that has the ability to help her beyond your abilities... and that YOU WILL STILL BE BESIDE HER AS A FRIEND but her friendship is destructive while its still following the current path, and its dragging both of you down

* dr phil talk over *

[strawberry8302]

Thanks duck, but she's not really a person that likes to listen to others. I try and be nice and give her advice time and time again, and she never listens to me. She NEVER, honestly NEVER takes my advice. She asks for it, I give my opinion, and she just does what she wants anyway. I've been in the same relationships she has, I know how guys are. I tell her what's going to happen, and I try to help her prepare for it, but she never learns. She keeps falling into the same traps again and again. And honestly, I don't really care what happens to her, that's how far our friendship is fallen. I'm at the point where i'm tolerating her. I agree with you saying that I should sit down and talk to her, but I don't think shes going to actually listen to me. Everytime I try and give her advice, its "but, but, but". She never says, ok, I'm gonna take your advice. Everytime she ends up in a situation, its because she did the opposite of what I told her to do. I feel like a pretzel, I'm all in knots.

[Long Duck Dong]

grins.... i was gonna do the jerry swinger talk next, but its time for the freddy kruegar chat show lol

ok, lol you have done all that a good friend would do... stop it there.... don't let her life become your life

she sounds like she may enjoy being a * victim * but she is only a victim of her own life... and as it stands..... she creates the issues she needs in order to justify her existance lol

if it was me... I would cut her loose and i would still talk to her, but on the list of priorities, she would not rate very highly..... even getting a coffee would be more important then her * days of our lives * drama

what worries me now, is the *freddy kruegar * syndrome.... which is simply and bluntly... she terrorises you in ya dreams lol... and if its got to that point... you seriously need to decide if having a friendship with her, is productive or destructive

cutting anybody loose is hard and cruel.... but sometimes it can be the only way to do it... and often is the best thing possible......there will always be another * best friend * out that for her.... but its very possible there may not be a genuine caring friends like you out there....but you have to look after you first

[Herbwoman39]

I hate to sound calous but if she's driving you THAT nuts, then stop making yourself available when she calls orwants to come over. Let her flounder around a little bit on her own. Once she's drowning and there's no one there for her to sing her sad song to, maybe THEN she'll grow up some.

It's called tough love and it isn't just for parents. Sometimes friends need to do this, too. It's not stabbing her in the back, it's helping her learn to grow upand be a responsible human being.

[blue_hard]

Sometimes people have to actually hit bottom before they'll admit that they need help. It looks like that is what has to happen to her.

It's a shame - she's obviously in a great deal of pain - but she's going to have to find the solution from within herself for herself.

[strawberry8302]

I hate to sound calous but if she's driving you THAT nuts, then stop making yourself available when she calls orwants to come over. Let her flounder around a little bit on her own. Once she's drowning and there's no one there for her to sing her sad song to, maybe THEN she'll grow up some.

It's called tough love and it isn't just for parents. Sometimes friends need to do this, too. It's not stabbing her in the back, it's helping her learn to grow upand be a responsible human being.

Understandable Herb, but you don't understand, me trying to cut her loose won't work. She'll just keep harassing me, calling me and coming by my house. The only reason she stopped talking to me before was because she was mad. If I try to ignore her, she's just gonna pursue this friendship even more. That's why I don't know what to do.

AND TO DUCK: Her behavior is nor productive or destructive, it just is. I don't let her negativity affect me, she's just getting on my dam nerves.

[csrakate]

Strawberry...
Wake up baby!...this girl is using you and you are enabling her.

If she gets on your nerves then tell her so....if she makes poor life choices then that is her burden to bear and not yours!

Don't continue to bail her out and maybe one day she will see the consequences for her actions.

Hugs,
Kate

[taz67156]

Girl you are being used in so many ways that you don't see so you need to WAKE UP and relook at what she is doing to you cause all the talking that you have done with her has been a waste of time since she won't listen so you need to tell her straight out how it is or your going to get hurt more.

taz67156

[DiamondDog]

I had a "friend" like yours who gave me tons of drama and worry and eventually he cut me off and that's OK since I tried like you did to give him tons of good advice and everything but he'd never listen and then he'd complain about his problems, and I got sick and tired of playing Dr. Phil and so did everyone else.

[Driver 8]

[...] trying to cut her loose won't work. She'll just keep harassing me, calling me and coming by my house.
That's annoying, yeah, but just because she tries to contact you doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You can always say "Sorry, this is a bad time" and hang up, close the door, whatever, without any further explanation. She might not learn - I have a former co-worker who's been trying for years to hang out with me - but it does cut off the whining, complaining, et cetera.

[Herbwoman39]

I know it's hard sweetie. But if you've got someone causing drama in your life and you don't want to deal with it, you've got to cut them out of your life until they can stand on their own.

Like others have said, if she shows up at the house, tell her it's not a good time and close the door. If she calls and you see her on caller ID, let the machine get it. If she persists, tell her you can't talk.

ONLY talk to her if she has something positive to say. Again, I know it's hard but it's harder on you when you encourage the drama crap.

[strawberry8302]

Thanks guys, I think that shutting her out that way is a good idea. She can't come in unless I let her, right? And I know she's not stupid enough to break in.

[jedinudist]

I hate to sound calous but if she's driving you THAT nuts, then stop making yourself available when she calls orwants to come over. Let her flounder around a little bit on her own. Once she's drowning and there's no one there for her to sing her sad song to, maybe THEN she'll grow up some.

It's called tough love and it isn't just for parents. Sometimes friends need to do this, too. It's not stabbing her in the back, it's helping her learn to grow upand be a responsible human being.

I have to agree. I've had somewhat similar situations and had to resort to the tough love approach. It worked on some, and others went their seperate ways. Herbwoman is right about it as it will make them take responsibility for their own actions, the consequences, and this will bring personal growth. And it does sound like your friend could use a heaping helping of it.

Stop being available. When you are available and the nonsense starts up, leave. Tell her - sorry, but you'll have to work through that on your own.

It does make a difference :)