married bi guy looking for feedback please!!!!!

[biguyforguys]

so I am a bi married guy and my wife don't like that side of me I havent been with a guy in three years just use a toy every once in awhile. But im starting to crave it more lately I have flirted with guys but nothing else. My wife knew I was bi I said will you be ok with me being this way she said yes but after i put that ring on her finger it all changed and now I can't be me and its killing me inside some advice on what i can do or ideas or real life stuff you realized would be much apreciated thanks....:confused:

[Long Duck Dong]

she was ok with you being bi but after you put the ring on her finger it all changed........ I am curious about something.... was she ok with you being bi but not ok with you having sex with other people ? was she ok with you being bi and having sex with other people.... and did you discuss that aspect before you got married .....

advice for the most part is going to come in a couple of simple ways....

1) talk to her, if she is not interested or open to you exploring your sexuality then it can be a issue

you have the option of 1) not exploring 2 ) exploring and doing it with or without her knowledge and permission.....

now the talking part is a very complex issue, because you are going to come at it from the angle of you want to have sex with other people and you want to be allowed to do it with her permission... shes going to pretty much say not going to happen... the complex aspect is working out why and for what reasons you can not have sex with other people, what her reasons are for not saying yes and why she is feeling the way she is.... and if a compromise can be reached.......

its easier just to sit here in the forum and say its because she is a jealous and possessive female that needs to get over it and stop being selfish.. but hey its always easier to insult another mans wife from the safety of a forum, so I am going to leave that aspect to the people in the forums that are well versed in that aspect.........

a lot of women are not jealous and possessive, they are unsure of what to expect, what may happen, and they can struggle with the idea that their partner is needing to have sex with other people..... its not because they can not understand but in a lot of cases, they can not relate to that need, however they do understand things a lot better if its put in a way they can relate to.... IE bisexual sexual swings for males can be similar to the hormonal shifts in a female, where the need for sex at some points becomes more intense and can drop down to a barely any desire at other times..... and in a bisexual male, the need for sex with males and females can be the same... but the key point is that regardless of the swings in the male and the female, they still want the partner they are with......


talk to her like you are interested in how she feels and thinks as your partner, your wife and a woman, because that the person you share your life with and her opinion is as valid as yours as a partner, husband and a male......because if you come at it from the angle that you want her permission to have sex with other people, shes going to feel like you are not interested in her feelings or opinion, only her permission and you could cut yourself short.....

ask her what her concerns are about your bisexuality... she may say that you agreed to be monogamous with her when you got married and in a sense, she may be right if you did not discuss how you both wanted your lives to be after marriage... and thats not something that is uncommon, its actually very common that people do not stop to think about life after marriage....I know of one guy that had to go to a counsellor after marriage because he was a open poly style guy and once he got married, he could not handle the idea of sex with anything else other than his wife, tho his wife was open poly as well... it took 8 years of counselling before they both were able to return to the open poly lifestyle.... and it had nothing to do with the social idea of marriage, but his own understanding of how to be a good partner and husband......

so your wife may have the idea of you both settle down and be with each other, she may be aware of the desire to have sex with others ( often wives have the same interest but no intention of doing it ) and work on building a life together and a family.... or there could be other aspects at play such as bad past relationships where they were cheated on by a partner that blamed them for for the cheating ( very common ) she may feel that you are not listening to her as a person or that you may be trying to put your bisexuality ahead of your marriage with her......

the key to the whole deal is working with your partner to see what options are available, what ones are not and how you both can work thru them as a couple.......

the issue for you, is that you are trying to present your bisexuality as a valid aspect of who you are ( which it sounds like she accepted ) along side the idea that casual and random sex with people, is part of who you are ( she may not accept that and for some ladies, its because they are regarded as sluts if they do that but its ok for guys to do it ) .... and to be honest, a lot of people do not really know how to present bisexual needs and interests in a way that does not come across as simply a need to fuck around .....

so you need to show your wife how having sex with other people is beneficial to you and her and the marriage.... so if there were times that you were with other people before you got married and your wife can see the patterns of you being on a * high * after the sex with other people, she has something to relate to.... but if you have a 3-4 year span where you were not having sex with other people, only with her and you were fine ( in her eyes ) then yes, she is going to question why suddenly you are not able to handle not having sex with other people and why this issue has only surfaced after you got married......

the issue for us, is that you are looking for help and answers but in order to get better answers and help, you need to talk with us more and open up more.... the same way that you are going to need to do with your partner.......

[Gearbox]

I'd not be satisfied with "I'm not ok with it.". Confront her on the why's of that and get it out in the open where you can both discuss her views.
Do NOT let it be an issue that is off-limits and something you MUST just accept on face value. The jealous & possessive will often use ANY ploy to avoid confronting their issues, and even make out that there is no issue by calling themselves 'monogamous'. True for some, but not for all.

I doubt your wife can not see how her 'turnaround' is effecting you. Or that she didn't have a little Google about bisexuality and what she may expect before she married you. Trouble is, we can be ok with certain things in theory, but when it comes down to the practical, it can be overwhelming and have unpredictable emotional reactions. So her 'turnaround' may not be as malicious as it seems.

Educate her! Let her know exactly how you feel and that you will continue to suffer without her cooperation.
Educate yourself on the effects of non-monog on certain types of people. Then both come to some arrangement that will best suit both.
One 'cure-all' remedy is that you meet with some bloke ONLY when you desperately need to, with her prior knowledge but put it on a don't ask/don't tell arrangement.

Bring that up and see how it goes. "Honey! I'm spiralling into a depression. How about I meet with some bloke...desperately need....don't ask....How'd you feel about that?".
I think you'll know what to do, whatever answer you get from that.;)

[Lov2look]

When you you full fill your your itch you'll know if it's for you.27558

[Dog62]

I'm sorry, but being "bi" doesn't mean you must have sex with people other than your wife. So why is this such an issue? If you found a woman you wanted to cheat with would you be posting here? Before you were married, when you told her that you were bi, did you tell here that meant you wanted to have sex with other people? Would you expect her to "be ok" with you sleeping with other women? Don't blame your wife with no longer being "ok" with your bisexuality. It has nothing to do with you being "bi". Now, you can blame her because she expects you to be faithful, like a good married husband but being "bi" probably isn't the issue. So, either cheat on your wife, or don't but don't blame it on you being bi.

[Ja&Ve]

Since you reposted your question I will repost my answer

Yeah, that's a problem. she knew who you were from the get-go. That is such a wonderful gift. I'm mad for you that you got baited and switched.you should never have to hide who you are. Now what you do may be a whole nother ball of wax. If you knew she expected monogamy, did you get from her what her understanding of monogamy was? Hard limits etc.? Most women want sole devotion to them, which means just that, no flirting, chatting, camming or otherwise, gender non withstanding. My hard limits for my relationship runs similar, lt also runs into hypotheticals (ie should non-monogamy ever happen, no gay guys and no alone play allowed). I'm not a big fan of the flirt (either gender, unless we are doing it as a couple) and chatting and camming are right out. But if my hubby finds a guy cute, wants to tell me his fantasies and just flat out be himself that's okay. I don't hide that I like men and can appreciate a gorgeous set of boobs, so why should he?

[tenni]

Unfortunately, you did not define what being you was before you married her. I am guessing that you have told her that it means that you need sex with other men and she objects?

Consistently, we have people post on this site making judgmental statements. Being bisexual does not mean that you must have sex with other people as love2love states. It does however mean that you are attracted to both genders and any monosexual entering a relationship with a bisexual should be educated that we bisexuals have an ebb and flow to our same sex attraction.

Unlike love2love, I understand that "need". I do not get from him that he comprehends this bisexual need because he may not have the need.

It seems to me based on the OP that his view differed from her view. Many monosexual women seem to post on this site saying that they support their male partner BUT they want monogamy. Fek they do not support their bisexual partner...lol If they did , they would work to understanding that his need will one day more than not require same sex activity. Some like love2love may not..then again love2love still has some living time to come...I hope .

As Gear posts, try to educate her that your need to be sexually with another man does not mean that you do not love her. If she wants you to be happy, she should eventually see that this need can not be ignored. She may want monogamy but she really only has the right to do it for herself. No human should think that they have the right to impose monogamy on another person. Most monosexuals believe that they have the moral right to impose their will on others though.

[Ja&Ve]

Unfortunately, you did not define what being you was before you married her. I am guessing that you have told her that it means that you need sex with other men and she objects?

Consistently, we have people post on this site making judgmental statements. Being bisexual does not mean that you must have sex with other people as love2love states. It does however mean that you are attracted to both genders and any monosexual entering a relationship with a bisexual should be educated that we bisexuals have an ebb and flow to our same sex attraction.

Unlike love2love, I understand that "need". I do not get from him that he comprehends this bisexual need because he may not have the need.

It seems to me based on the OP that his view differed from her view. Many monosexual women seem to post on this site saying that they support their male partner BUT they want monogamy. Fek they do not support their bisexual partner...lol If they did , they would work to understanding that his need will one day more than not require same sex activity. Some like love2love may not..then again love2love still has some living time to come...I hope .

As Gear posts, try to educate her that your need to be sexually with another man does not mean that you do not love her. If she wants you to be happy, she should eventually see that this need can not be ignored. She may want monogamy but she really only has the right to do it for herself. No human should think that they have the right to impose monogamy on another person. Most monosexuals believe that they have the moral right to impose their will on others though.



I do agree with you on some points. He likely didn't make it fully clear what being bi truly meant to him and how he wanted to live his life. Unfortunately that onus is completely on him. As a bisexual you are going to to have to work harder, be clearer and educate and concentrate more on your relationship than most regular folk. Mixed orientation marriages have an extraordinary failure rate (80%) because of an inherent lack of understanding as to the true nature of what they have gotten into with a bisexual, and that that ebb and flow may change over time.

Communicate communicate communicate.

And yes, as a "monosexual" I fully support who my husband is and if I had known at the very beginning of my relationship who he truly was and how our lives might go, then different lines might have been drawn up. But he married a straight woman for better for worse, for richer for poorer "forsaking ALL OTHERS" til death do us part. If that is something he needs to change or can no longer deal with, the ball is in his court because conversely that fek he doesn't support his heterosexual partner if he can't or wont respect her needs in a relationship. It goes both ways. Heck my need to want to go fuck other men than him is going to crop up a lot in my life, but it doesn't mean that I am required to act upon it. Why? Because I made that commitment to be true to my mate. That's the agreement WE made when we started together down this road. If bi men don't like that, then they need to stop marrying straight women hoping that they are going to change them or make it clear from the get-go what their expectations are in a relationship. And if they decide to change things mid stream and she balks. Balls in your court. You can choose to live with , compromise or leave. I may not have the right to impose monogamy on my mate, but he chose to agree to it. If he breaks that agreement, then I have the right to exit the relationship. It's what I expect for myself. Don't want monogamy? Then don't get with someone that does and then try to change the rules on them. It's not fair to them either. It has absolutely nothing to do with morals. It has everything to do with respect and what we want for ourselves and our lives. If a bisexual wants something different, go get it. No one is stopping you. But we are not obligated to stay with you either should you choose a path we do not wish to go down.

[tenni]

Ja&Ve
Well, here we go.

You seem to take your vows seriously and I don’t know how long ago your vows were made but things and society change.

Yes, your husband made marriage vows to you and I assume that same sex marriage was not an option before you married nor was he aware of his sexuality? Based on what I read you live in a place that banned same sex marriage in 2008. That is rather a repressive society and unjust. Some areas where you live permit civil unions(not a real marriage though usually). I doubt that you both factored in his sexuality when you married with those vows. You both made those vows under false pretenses.

One could argue that due to your societal values your husband unknowing made vows that are no longer appropriate for you both. You and your society repress same gender relationships. I sense the anger in your posts but also the hope to find a solution and willingness to change.

However, it can hardly be written that your society is capable of dealing with bisexual needs and it is repressive and hostile to bisexual needs and rights.

Yes, these are radical thoughts for some. Same sex marriage was radical where I live. It is now just normal and societies that repress people because of their sexuality look less logical than those who live in those societies believe. Mixed orientation relationships should not follow mainstream monosexual values any more righteously than same sex marriage is evil.

[Ja&Ve]

Ja&Ve
Well, here we go.

You seem to take your vows seriously and I don’t know how long ago your vows were made but things and society change.

Yes, your husband made marriage vows to you and I assume that same sex marriage was not an option before you married nor was he aware of his sexuality? Based on what I read you live in a place that banned same sex marriage in 2008. That is rather a repressive society and unjust. Some areas where you live permit civil unions(not a real marriage though usually). I doubt that you both factored in his sexuality when you married with those vows. You both made those vows under false pretenses.

One could argue that due to your societal values your husband unknowing made vows that are no longer appropriate for you both. You and your society repress same gender relationships. I sense the anger in your posts but also the hope to find a solution and willingness to change.

However, it can hardly be written that your society is capable of dealing with bisexual needs and it is repressive and hostile to bisexual needs and rights.

Yes, these are radical thoughts.
lol I keep forgetting that you are a Canuck. Bit of different mindset there.

we both take our vows very seriously. He has zero desire to be unfaithful. He has said it himself. He has the curiosity but no real need to act on it nor does he have any emotional attachment to men. It a purely sexual attraction and appreciation of the male penis. He also doesn't expect the world to bend to his needs, he just wishes to understood and accepted. Which he has through me. And he has said so. We've been married for 20 years now and our love has grown so much. I've been reading these posts to him. And he has agreed with me (though he wonders why I get involved). I think I do because I have a strong sense of honor, a need for promises to be kept. It's hurtful to see others be so flip about these things. I will agree to nothing unless I can keep my agreements. It drives my children crazy :D

However, I absolutely am no fool and realize that things can and will change with time. And so long as both parties agree to something I absolutely have no problem with changing things so long as it is beneficial to both parties within the relationship. If it is not, then compromise can be struck to a point but core values will not be let go. I will leave first or ask him to.

i think that's what got me upset too for the OP. He in a sense was wronged in a way that many straight spouses feel at disclosure. Like there was bait and switch. And she now wants to change the agreement, which I think is just as wrong. Promises and commitments go both ways. If she promised acceptance and then reneges on it or breaks it, she has no honor in my eyes.

[CurEUs_Male]

biguy,
It's a tough situation, and some of the advice given seems well intended, but.... when you have the conversation with her, do not look at it as a confrontation. That is one sure way to start an argument instead of a conversation.

So she knew you were 'bi' based on your self identification, but do you two share the same meaning of bi sexual? Perhaps not. If you take the idea of bi being just an attraction (either emotionally or sexually), that is not such a big deal... but when you start to feel the need to act on the attractions, that is a problem to most of the straight spouses (not all.. ). Your wife will need some resources, some others in the same situation, to talk with and get used to the idea of your same sex attraction. It is not an easy journey. It is a rocky path. If she were open to a poly style relationship, you might have an easier way of it, but that will likely be a long time coming to a place she feels comfortable with.
There are lots of women out there with non-straight husbands, and some straight husbands with non-straight wives... they are working hard to make their marriages work. Open and honest communication with your spouse is key.

[tenni]

Last night, I met a bisexual man who has made a final separation from his wife. Over the years they have separated and got back together. He has finally accepted that he can not stay in the marriage. He has gone through years of counselling to come to terms with his bisexuality. His wife knew before or shortly after the marriage began. She expected him to conform to her sexuality. It was a second marriage for both. The man knew that he had same sex attraction before he married. He also sensed that the woman would not accept his sexuality. He was very unclear and confused about his sexuality when he married her. That I guess was his mistake..falling in love with a homophobic woman and thinking that it would turn out ok. He NOW realizes this after years of counselling. She attended some of the sessions but could not come to terms of accepting his sexuality. He did have same sex play occasionally over the 17 years of the marriage. He had to deal with all the guilt and shame of those acts. I think that she knew that he was doing this. She could not accept that this was a need that he had. He has come to terms with accepting himself but she can not accept him.

Ja & Vi
I am not the typical Canuck. I am a bit radical in my thoughts as both people in the above paragraph are Canucks. One is bisexual and one is biphobic. He said that she was homophobic without expanding on what behaviour she exhibits to think of her this way. He now looks back and realizes that he knew that she was this way but he had hoped that it would turn out better. Biphobic people who expect bisexuals to conform to their monosexual values should not be involved with bisexuals. Stop writing that you support your bisexual partner and accept him..when you really do not.

I agree with the belief that the only person that can promise to be monogamous is you. People can not or should not try to impose monogamous values on others and especially bisexuals who have a need for same sex play and cross gender relationships. This is who we are. We should not be shamed for being who we are and expected to conform to monosexual values and morality.

[biguyforguys]

Thanks for all the feedback sorry I caused a lil tiff was just looking for some advice or someone that has been in my shoes still not sure on my answer yet but still flirting with a guy or two and seeing how I feel after that I guess