Feelings of lost youth.

[dseven]

Hi Bisexuals,
Today I bring you a subject which is kind of off-topic, but still applies.
I only ask that before you start reading this, you drink a cup of patience, because I know that many of you might want to kill me for what I'm about to say since I'm just 23, but it's the way I'm feeling and I needed it to get it out to a community that might understand me and help me get in the way of healing and happiness.

I'm Alex, I'm a 23 years old bisexual male and I feel like I lost my youth, and that today the generation that is 5 years or more younger than me have it much easier sexuality wise. I live in argentina, where lately LGTB groups have had a big spike in popularity and where a few years ago same-sex marriage was approved.

I see today bisexual and gay youth everywhere, teenagers going around here and there having fun and not being very worried about who might find out their sexuality. It might be a biased perception of mine, but it seems to be the norm.
I also see that parents are more understanding and tolerant toward LGTB youth, and school systems are learning to accomodate as well. I also know that an anti-bullying law has been approved recently (I suffered from quite a lot of bullying when I was in high-school), I don't know the extent to its effectiveness or if anyone is actually going to enforce it, but I know that it's there now. Even though I'm happy for this improvement, I'm also feeling envy, which I of course don't like.


I've been dealing lately with an anxiety disorder, which is better but still not gone completely and with a lot of anger issues directed mainly to my parents, which are the ones that I blame for my lost youth.
You see, when I was a teenager, I was sexually repressed until I was around 16 or 17, where I started exploring my sexuality more, and I tried coming out to my parents, since I needed someone to talk about this things that were happening to me.

My parents reacted awfully and scarred me quite a bit by saying things like I was sick, or that I was doing it to spite them. Six months of constant arguing, fighting and suicidal thoughts from my part, I told them "It had passed" and that I was now a completely "straight and normal" kid. I repressed myself for a couple of years coupled with a couple of not very satisfying sexual experiences with girls and some boys that I careleslly out of pure fear broke their hearts, until I couldn't hold it back and just said "what the fuck" and started doing whatever I wanted.

This is when I truly started living. Still in fear of my parents finding out, but I was enjoying myself for the first time. I went out to clubs, I kissed boys and girls, all very innocent but still enjoyable. I found a group of friends that supported me and I started feeding this libido monster inside me. I had sex with a guy for the very first time, we dated for a while and not much after I met my current girlfriend.

She has been truly amazing and very supportive, we have had a lot of fun and I discovered love with her. But, happiness didn't last for a long time. She started having her own issues, which I'm not going to discuss here because it's hers to tell, but I am going to say that caused both of us a lot of pain and that it was also generated by her parents. I of course don't hold her responsible for any of this and I've been by her side ever since this issue started, and now I'm glad to say she's much better, altough not totally out of the woods. But I've always felt that when I got a girlfriend it would be the end of my unhappiness, that I would be able to share my feelings and give all the love that I had to give. But I forgot that the other person might also have problems of its own. It just felt unfair that after all the suffering I had to endure, I still had to endure even more suffering.

But here is where my actual problem lies: Even though she has let me experience sex with guys, some of which she participated, I feel a strong and increasing desire to experience what I should've experienced when I was a teenager, but without the repression I had in those days. But to do that, I need to break it off with her, potentially sacrificing the one relationship that has actually made me happy.

See, after 2 years and 4 months (today), our love for each other still grows strong, and it probably will continue like this. This is both pretty amazing and painful. If I have to break it off in order to experience what I feel was wrongfully stolen from me, while I'm still young, there is a chance we might never go back. Either because she has moved on and found someone else, or because I have, even though I'm positive I won't.
I know that in the next few months I'll be moving out of my parent's house, which means I won't have any problems in bringing dates home. I can't just commit knowing that I have these unfinished business.

So, to sum up, I'm conciously trying (and failing) to let go the anger I have towards my parents, without which I wouldn't have this problem right now, since I would've been able to experience all I wanted when I had to. I know that anger won't do me any good, but it's not easy to let it all go. I'm exploring zen meditation, but that project is months away of having any significant effect on my life.

I also have to add that around 8 months ago I came out to my parents again, and lashed out at them by telling them all they did wrong. I wanted them to feel a tiny bit of what I felt. My mum got the message and apologized, but I don't think my dad did, he barely reacted and he changed almost nothing, he is acting in a "don't ask, don't tell" way. But I'm done trying to change them.

Honestly I just wanted to let this all out here. If anyone can say anything, advice, life experience, even some words of encouragement, I'll be more than thankful.

Thanks for everything.
Hugs and kisses to this lovely bisexual community.
Alex.

[lookn4fun64]

Alex your story is not really that unique. Society and human interactions have changed tremendously in only a few short years. Culture here in the US opened dramatically in the 1970s.

Don't get down about your parents. My parent were liberal and supportive, unlike he comments on yours. I would suggest you need to live your life, not a model from a different generation. You seem very comfortable with yourself. Continue. Be positive. Don't be anything else but yourself.

[Long Duck Dong]

the youth of today may have it easier, but they deal with issues that may not be as visible to you..... and society is full of people that are trying to relive a lost youth as middle aged people and making right fools of themselves...... the secret is to accept that your youth is not the one you wanted, but if you do not learn to move on from the past and embrace the possibilities of a new future, you will never let go of the past and truly embrace the freedom to be who you are now......

maybe you could make up for lost time and fuck 2-300 people for a few years.... but what happens if you wake up one day and realise that maybe you really wanted the gf that you shared your life with and now shes moved on with her heartache and the memories of the relationship you took away from her... and you realise that you could find another person and settle down but you have to start over again and the years where you could have been building a solid and stable relationship with a person that embraces your bisexuality, are gone.....

maybe you could make up for lost time and fuck 2-300 people for a few years but what happens if you wake up one day and you realise that it has not really brought you the happiness that you thought it would, because you have spent so much time trying to make up for lost time that you really do not know what has happened to the last 5 years and you are still trying to regain your youth and the lifestyle that appears so perfect........

zen mediation will teach you that in order to be at peace with yourself and within yourself, that you need to let go of all the reason why you are not at peace with yourself...... your youth was not stolen or taken from you, you just lived a youth that was different to the one that you feel you should have lived.... but if that was the case, you would not be sharing your understanding of you now in this forum, you would be out clubbing and partying... and you may not have the partner who you have shared your life with and made you happy while you have made her happy.... and realised that other people have something that you want for yourself, and are not realising how much you already have.......

you need your parents to take the blame for the choices you may in your life and the people you hurt, and you want them to be responsible for the way you are feeling and thinking.... so I am curious, who is responsible for the way they have felt about the whole situation and the people that have hurt at your hands and how can they regain what you stole from them because you can not give back what they have lost any more than they can return to you what you feel you have lost or give you the youth back that you think you should have because you see other people living the way you want your youth to be like........

embrace the here and now, make the most of it without trying to relive the past as your future..... and that way, you will get what you want in your life, maybe not in the way you want, but in a way that one day you will really appreciate..........and maybe one day you may realise that your lost youth may not have been the valued treasure you think it would have been but the person you are today, is of value to the people that care about you and love you

[Realist]

Alex, that's good advice above. Lookinforfun was extremely lucky to have such parents.

Mine were more like your's and may have been even less forgiving! Early in life, I decided to keep my sexuality to myself. With the opinion that I didn't want to know my parents' intimate choices, I developed a very covert and cautious lifestyle. True, I had to remain very diligent and secretive regarding my choices, but that afforded me the opportunities I longed for.

I was a preteen when I began to realize I was different and being relationship oriented, I probably had less experiences than others might, but it worked out well for me.

I too harbored ill feelings toward my very strict and unyielding parents, but they were who they were and I've tried to accept it, then move on.

It takes a lot of energy to dwell on the past. You're really at an excellent age to rise above your past and get on with your life.

I'm not much for advice, but if I were in your shoes, I'd sit down with my GF and tell her exactly what you've told us. If she is unable to continue in the relationship and accept your desires.........well, you'll have to decide what's best for you, in the long run.

I know you're torn in two ways over these issues, but the faster you can clear up things that are tormenting you, the better your life will become!

Good luck!

[dseven]

Thanks everyone. I'm just feeling so torn and I don't know what to do...
It's not easy being bi. No it's not sir.

[tenni]

Hmm What to say to you. As someone has pointed out, your story is not that different from other people but it is different because it is you. At 23, you are still very very young. You are seeking peace and happiness. In ten years when you look back at your life you will hopefully recognize the inner turmoil that you use to feel and be happy to be at more peace.


Sure, you can blame your parents and your parents influenced you both negatively and positively. You are still in the process of becoming you even though you recognize great growth from who you are now compared to who you were.


The inner turmoil of wondering if you need to end your relationship with this lovely young woman to explore more your same sex needs is important to pay attention to. She does seem amazing in her openness. As far as considering that you have unfinished business, you probably have. It may never be completely resolved but hopefully you continue to grow and develop as a good person.

I would wait until you are living on your own for several months before ending your relationship with her if you still feel this way. You may need to expand your circle of good friends beyond her though. A couple of people that you feel safe to discuss your inner fears but can also have a good time giggle with. What ever you feel is unfinished may take a long time. At 23, it probably is far too young to commit to a lifetime partner of either gender. Only you can figure this out. You have made mistakes and you will continue to do so. What hopefully evolves is more acceptance of yourself.

You are right. We know that it is not easy being bisexual. It is really not easy being any sexuality and having self doubts. It is something that evolves over time. Just as you look back and think that younger people have advantages that you did not, others can look at you and think how well you are developing as a bisexual man compared to how they felt at your age. Both of you would be correct.

[dseven]

Well, you know how it is, we take for granted the things that we have and we overvalue the ones that we don't...

I'll just wait and see, I have no rush...

Thanks for your advice everyone.

[Neonaught]

I also lived repressed for a few decades due to family situation and military service. If I had one piece of good advice to offer it might be this: quit trying to get back what you think you have missed out on. You probably won't and the effort alone can become an unhealthy obsession. Live your life as you see fit from where you are NOW. NOW is what matters not trying to compensate for past injustices and perceived missed opportunities.

Live well and be well!

[dseven]

Guys, thanks for all the advice but, how do I let go the past?
How do I just focus on the present?
I just don't know how.

[sailorashore]

dseven, you are so-o-o fortunate! At 23, I was in full denial, and having one straight relationship after another. I never touched another man between the ages of 14 and 31, and when I finally did, the thrill of the forbidden was so intense that it scared me back into the closet for another ten years. I broke up with a woman with whom I had lived, loved and traveled for five years to find the freedom to explore, and this site was the first place I found support. I have recently stepped a bit further out of my closet, and am occasionally to be seen hanging out in public with my gay lover, but the confidence I gained when I realized their are a LOT of men and women out here, and demanding their right to choose whom to love, and to love whom they choose, it was VERY liberating. I still identify as bisexual, though I haven't been with a woman in a while, and "in public" possibly is not quite the same here (Washington State) as in Argentina, but I'm sure there is community for you. If you look, you will find it. Good luck,
and fair winds, sailor

[Long Duck Dong]

Guys, thanks for all the advice but, how do I let go the past?
How do I just focus on the present?
I just don't know how.

it is not a 5 minute fix.... lol.....

I was 37 and then 43 when I had two major changes in my life and I have had to learn to adapt and learn to live again...... I still use the experience of my past to pave the way of the present and the future in terms of how I live my life.......
the first was the diagnosis of dystimia ( a form of perm depression ) the second was the detailed and updated definition of dystimia and the aspect of anhedonia that comes with it....

dystimia and anhedonia have shaped many life events for me over the years.... and if I could relive the past, the one thing I would want, was the knowledge that I had both those aspects in my life...... but one of the first things I did when I found out about the dystimia, is I went and apologized to a lot of people and I would say that I am apologizing for the things I have done in my life, the pain and suffering I have caused and let them know that I know understand much better, why they happened........

now each day, I am able to say to myself, I would love to live in this situation or live this way, I know that I will struggle in these areas or have this issue....and here is what I would need to do in order to cope in this situation.......

taking meds or pills will not allow me to live the life I have dreamed about...... the meds and pills do not work that well and the loss of the people that have mattered so much to me, have closed many doors...... so I look at possibilities for the present and the future, I talk with my partner, DD about things I would like to try and attempt in the future, with the understanding that its with her help and understanding and permission as she is part of my present and future.......

like you, there are aspects of my past that can never be changed, my understanding of them has changed, but the past can not be changed.... including the loss of my sister.... the death of my partner and friends in a car accident when I was 16 and drinking and driving..... and one thing that I use to reconcile with my past, is that those events played a part in my seeking out the truth about myself, learning about my mental illness and learning to live again......

so with you, you need to look around you and ask yourself what do you want your present and future to be like and start working to shape them as best you can, with the help and support of the people around you.... use the lessons from your past as a guide..... and remember in some ways its like closing a door and opening others... and in other ways, its like learning to walk again.... it will not be possible to forget the past, its part of who you are today... so use the lessons of the past as a guide for the present and future......