Is my boyfriend bisexual/bicurious?

[Shaniqua]

Hi, I have been in a healthy, happy relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He has never cheated on me, and loves sports, and is very masculine. The other day, I saw an app on his phone that is for men hook in up, and I found out he got a blow job from a man. I talked to him about it, and it turns out when he gets really drunk, he tends to get an urge and wonders about getting a MM experience. He has only gotten blown by a man once before the time he cheated on me, and he says he never thinks about it when he is sober, only when drunk, and it only occurs to him once in a blue moon, and when drunk. Is he in denial? Or is he just considered as bi-curious? He is my ex now, just because he did cheat and was not upfront from the beginning, and because I found out on my own, but has anyone had the same experience? I just am curious and want more answers....

[Gearbox]

A lot of men only get urges to try men out once in a while, and get the courage to go ahead with it when drunk...or drunk enough to waver responsibility.
I'm not arguing over whether getting a blowjob is cheating or not, but he wouldn't be likely to tell his gf if he's just trying it out when 'drunk'. He'd also likely not consider a bloke giving him a bj as cheating. If it were a female, he would though.

He'd be bi-curious most probably from what you know of his hooking up activities. BUT having an app on his mob to hook up with men is there when he's NOT drunk, and doesn't point towards some spur of the moment drunken moment of madness, does it?
If only hooking up was as easy as that! It takes a bit more than "Meet me at.....in 5 mins while I'm still in this state of drunkenness and up for it.".

Would you have stayed with him if he had told you that he's definitely going to try men BEFORE he did it?

[Erikir]

Bisexual? Maybe. Bi-curious? Maybe. 100% straight? No.
It's possible that on occasion he enjoys non-emotional sexual contact with men. Even if that's the case, it's still not cool to cheat on your significant other.
I don't buy the "only when I'm drunk" bit.
If you're pissed, you're right to be.
Hope you guys are able to work this out :) If he feels attacked in the discussion, he'll defend himself with comments like "only when I get drunk" (trying to minimize the severity of the offense and reduce your wrath/his embarrassment).

[tenni]

If you are no longer involved with him why does it matter to you?

Although his behaviour reads as cheating using monosexual morality, there is more going on inside him that only comes out (he says) when drinking. This is normal for a sexually repressed man. It may not be seen as appropriate by monosexuals though. Sorry, it is best that you kicked him when down because you have shown yourself unworthy of being in a relationship with a bisexual man. Your behaviour reaction may push his guilt and repression deeper inside himself. It is not your fault though...but you seem to feel uncertain and want posters here to approve your behaviour.

He is probably bisexual but only he will figure that out eventually and it will be without you and your hang ups. A real compassionate woman would not be so hung up and helped him explore his issues. You're not that type of woman.

[tristancir]

Since you are no longer with him, I assume you want answers about yourself not him. Could you be with a man who had occasional encounters with other men? What if that man was totally upfront about it? No hiding? Could you be with a guy like that?

We are who we are. The question is can you accept the other person as they are?

[void()]

Since you are no longer with him, I assume you want answers about yourself not him. Could you be with a man who had occasional encounters with other men? What if that man was totally upfront about it? No hiding? Could you be with a guy like that?

We are who we are. The question is can you accept the other person as they are?

nudge, nudge, nu ... BUMP! "Oh, ooops, I fumbled and gave it a big bump. Um, this kind of logic *points to your post up there* needs more cowbell." BUMP, BUMP,BUMP, BUMPITY BUMP!!! "Got to make this fish swim in the Main stream, doncha know?" ;)

[elian]

Good relationships have honesty and good communication (not being afraid to tell your partner..) but sometimes figuring out who we are is part of the reason you enter into relationship in the first place.

Sometimes we don't know who we are or we try to deny it, the social taboo against having sex with the same sex (especially two males) is strong. I am not going to make a judgement about morality here either way..it is your life and your responsibility. I can understand how you might feel confused or betrayed but the answer was basically already given. You either love someone for the way they are or you don't.

Not every relationship is meant to last forever, a lot of my relationships were not ideal. However, they were mostly positive and I learned something every time. I never regretted caring for someone else, that's a big part of life that you miss out on if you don't try.

[Shaniqua]

Thanks for your judgement and opinion. but actually though I have ended the relationship because he has cheated, I am still by his side as I have told him I am here to support him and he can talk to me about this subject, As I know had has no one to talk to about it. He is the type that hangs out at the pub with his mates, obsessed with sports, no way in the world did I expect to see the app on his phone. But instead of getting angry, I woke him up and hugged him, and told him that I have found out. The reason I started this forum was to get answers that can help him figure out what he may really want. He tells me he really loves me and wants to spend forever with me, but I know that this sexual craving will come and go, and I don't know if I can trust him again.

[Long Duck Dong]

ever heard people talk about how they only smoke if they are drinking and do not smoke at any other time...... the same thing can apply here..... and the reason is basically that alcohol can influence the way some people act and react, feel and think....... its really no different to other non bisexual people... we can do things under the influence of alcohol that we would not do while sober......

it can lead to the * WTF was I thinking ? * when people sober up... and to be honest, the app on his phone can also indicate that he is trying to understand how it all works for him...
hence him saying that the urge only comes upon him when drunk... and that can be a valid and honest reasoning as well.... its not always the * he is bisexual and in denial of the fact * thinking.... and in fact that can actually push people deeper into the darkness because they feel pressured to be something that they do not feel they are......

you are a ex partner... so what....the relationship may have ended but its possible to have ex partners as friends when the relationship doesn't work, and the caring and support doesn't end with the relationship.. and it sounds like you are asking as a person that is wanting to learn and understand how sexual urges can work in the way your partner is saying.... and it is not really a case of if you can handle being with a person that is bisexual or wants to have sex with other people.... because that is commonly pushed as what non bisexuals need to ask themselves cos heaven forbid a bisexual person decide that they do not want to have a ongoing casual hook up with people ( it gets frowned upon in this site by some people if a bisexual dare makes a decision that is not confirmed to the deemed acceptable behievour of bisexual males )

if the relationship was to work again, it would take two people, not one.... HE would have to be more open and honest with you about what happens and why, how it comes about and the fact that it may happen again, YOU would need to state what you can and can not handle and why...... and you both would need to remember that people change, what you say today, may be different next week so the * rules * need to be constantly revisited from time to time......

some of us do not live the lifestyle of casual partners or relationships with a 3rd partner and a issue that can happen is that when people are in that situation, they can tend to forget that the same reality does not always exist for others..... and that is part of the issue of asking for help in sites like this.... you will often get opinions based around how others want life to be like for them or how they live their lives....... and that is why the most important thing to remember is that here, you get opinions but when you talk to him, you get his understanding of his reality and that is a make or break point with discussions.... I have seen a few good relationships destroyed because people have gone by what other people have said that bisexuals do and should be allowed to do and ignored what their potential / current and ex partners have said.....

I have seen nothing in your post that indicates a issue with bisexuality... but a issue with cheating and dishonestly in the relationship and unfortunately, thats a common aspect in the site with bisexual males.... society may not agree with our lifestyle, there may be opposition to our lifestyle, but its our partners that are the ones that are lied to and they are the ones that really matter because they are the ones that we share our lives with..... and while coming out to a partner is hard... it can be a lot harder if a person that is bicurious or bisexual, is not really aware of or settled with their sexuality and some times patience is the key in those situations.......

the other thing is the sexuality may not be as clear cut as its laid out..... some guys are people that will seek out a blow job under the influence of alcohol and not at any other time.... us labeling them is a waste of time, and arguing that they are not using the right label and should be using the correct label, is hypocritical when a lot of people did not use the same label themselves for the longest of times.... so if he wants to see himself as a heterosexual male that seeks out blowjobs when he is drunk, accept it, its how he sees himself and is comfortable with that.... it could change in the future as well as his sexuality and the way he expresses it........

think of it as a teenager going up and trying to make a decision about who they are for the rest of their lives, they will go thru changes, fashions, emo / goth / punk etc styles until they find where they settle best....and that is the reality for bisexuals except for some, it can take years... while for others like me, I knew I was bisexual as a young teen, I just lacked the label and the rule book of bisexuality and I have worn many different * labels * over the years because its taken me so many years to really find out who I was as a person and get answers... and most of the answers I was given, were wrong answers by experts and professionals.....

enuf of my rambling..... I really do not help much in this site any more.... not because its a bad site, cos it is a brillant site.... but because of the constant, live the way we tell you to live and conform to the rules, style of thinking...... and as you have noticed, being discarded as a nobody because you are a ex partner, really undervalues your worth as his friend and supporter.....

[Realist]

I think it's simple.

He's got urges to be with men, but under normal circumstances (when he's sober) he can resist being involved with them. However, when he's inebriated, his self-control is weakened and he will succumb to a male's advances.

We often assume that, if a person's outward actions are a certain way, the person will be straight, bi, or gay. Humans are not always that way...what you see is often NOT what you'll get!

I'd wager that he really does love you and if he could be honest and open about himself, you might be the ideal couple. You seem to be much less concerned about his sexuality than his cheating.

Could you get over this issue, if he came clean and was open about himself?

Anyway, good luck!

[gunslinger13]

Sounds like he was having recreational sex and nothing more.

[elian]

Well then the answer, if you were to remain with this man is that you know that he is going to want some sort of relationship with other men - now that you know you can participate in setting some rules for how that would happen. If for example he had a dedicated relationship with you and one other man would that be okay? I think it would be ideal because frankly the health of my partner is of great concern and letting each of the partners have a say in who the others "hook up with" gives all of you some peace of mind and stability.

This may not be for you, and in that case it is better just to remain friends..

There are different kinds of love and attraction - romantic, physical, emotional, platonic, etc. and for each person the level of desire can be different in each category.. The most erotic thing I find about being with men actually isn't the sex at all but the idea that I can be "myself" with another man and just be loved and accepted for who I am. The idea that having someone else validate it is "okay" to feel pleasure - I don't have to pretend to always be in control.

Some guys really just want a physical/sexual release and their emotional needs remain with women.

the truth is very few things in nature are totally one way or the other - usually things lie somewhere in between the extremes.


Thanks for your judgement and opinion. but actually though I have ended the relationship because he has cheated, I am still by his side as I have told him I am here to support him and he can talk to me about this subject, As I know had has no one to talk to about it. He is the type that hangs out at the pub with his mates, obsessed with sports, no way in the world did I expect to see the app on his phone. But instead of getting angry, I woke him up and hugged him, and told him that I have found out. The reason I started this forum was to get answers that can help him figure out what he may really want. He tells me he really loves me and wants to spend forever with me, but I know that this sexual craving will come and go, and I don't know if I can trust him again.

[tenni]

Thanks for your judgement and opinion. but actually though I have ended the relationship because he has cheated, I am still by his side as I have told him I am here to support him and he can talk to me about this subject, As I know had has no one to talk to about it. He is the type that hangs out at the pub with his mates, obsessed with sports, no way in the world did I expect to see the app on his phone. But instead of getting angry, I woke him up and hugged him, and told him that I have found out. The reason I started this forum was to get answers that can help him figure out what he may really want. He tells me he really loves me and wants to spend forever with me, but I know that this sexual craving will come and go, and I don't know if I can trust him again.

As I wrote, you are not equipped to help him. Why should he trust your opinion? I think that it would be good if you referred him to this site rather than act as a go between. What you want is a monogamous relationship with a heterosexual man..not a bisexual man. That is not realistic for many bisexuals and probably includes him. Some bisexual men can be happy in a monogamous cross gender relationship according to some who post here. What do you want for him? Happinesss under your terms?
If you become more open minded and learn that yes he loves you and wanting sex with another man does not have to eliminate his love for you, there is hope. If not, leave him alone. You are just hurting him.