Telling Dad And Grandparents I Am Bi This Weekend

[Stormy Nights]

So i have written three letters, addressed to dad nana and granddad, telling them i am bi. I am planning on giving them the letters this weekend but am scared… really scared that they will hate me because of it. I am scsred that they will be ashamedof me… I am scsred that they will think me disgusting...

[tenni]

Hi Stormy Nights
Fear is a human emotion that sometimes prevents us from making mistakes. Sometimes, it is something that we need to overcome to be happy.

I don't know why you think that disclosing your bisexuality to your family is so important to you to do. You have not written why you think that you need to do this disclosure. Your profile mentions scars. You seem to feel wounded but have healed. You may feel this is necessary as part of some healing ritual.

Perhaps, there is someone in your life that you want them to know that you are in a relationship with?
Perhaps, it is something that you believe that you need to do in order to feel who you are? You are tired and feel sad that your family doesn't know this aspect of who you are.

There may be other reasons. Personally, I do not agree with the gay philosophy that coming out is important to do for your self esteem. If I want to support a position political or otherwise, I will whether is is about human rights, injustice or when it comes to sexuality and that person's right to love whomever they do without discrimination. Actions may speak louder than going around telling those in your family your sexuality.

You have weighed the consequences (pro and con) and made this decision. I have no idea whether this is a good decision for you to do. I hope that your family simply tell you that they knew and love you regardless of your sexuality. Hopefully, they give you a big hug of love and acceptance. After all, there is so much more to you than your sexuality.

I wish you success and happiness though.

[PamelaBiPantyboy]

I suffered self imposed shame, guilt, and fear for 40 years; A prisoner of my own mind.
When I Came out, all that went away. My family and friends were not hostile;But, mostly supportive...

[Stormy Nights]

yes Tenni i have thought of the pros and cons of coming out and hopefully it is the right choice, as for the saying about scars i am a well trying to stop self harming and have been free for about a week.
Audrey i hope my family is supportive like yours were.

[PamelaBiPantyboy]

Stormy - I am what I am - My sexuality and gender identity are me.
I could not go on hiding, stuffing, denying, or not living such a large part o me.
For 40 years, avoided a huge part of me. This was harmfull to me.
I had to stand up for myself, and be me.
I am bisexual. I was hard wired this way at birth.
I am not dirty, vile, perverted, or hated by God.
I am not a criminal, or a pedophile.
I just am.

[PamelaBiPantyboy]

God made me. I did not choose this; I'd have chosen an easier road.
The only choice I made was to be true to myself.
God does not damn or exclude creatures of his own creation.

[Stormy Nights]

Thay is very true I aldo would have chosen the easier path if i could have... i feel really young on this site ads im only 19 :/

[Realist]

Stormy, I've worried about you ever since we first wrote and although I felt helpless to help you, I support anything you do.

I know you've lost many sleepless nights over your decision and, if you feel this is the right move to make, you're a brave girl to do it. Like I told you, previously, only you know what is best for you.

The advice above is some of the best I've seen on this site and I think I can say everyone here wishes you the best in this endeavor.

I hope this is the move that will help you heal and be accepted.

Good luck!

[Stormy Nights]

Of that i hope so too.

[darkeyes]

I have often written that my passage to open-ness with the world was a relatively simple affair because of my upbringing.. this does not mean easy.. with family and friends mostly I was accepted for what and who I am. Not with all.. but most. Some gave me a very hard time indeed.. as did others in life.. but most have always been kind and supportive, and remarkably few condemned. Even although there was some condemnation, I lost some friends, and worst of all my brother from whom I was estranged fr a long long time, I found it a liberating exerience. It gave a freedom I could never have otherwise had. My own sister, my partner, my best friend and many others found it likewise... not everyone does, for we are all different... but I believed in myself, opened up to the world, and life has been and is good. I hope u find things every bit as liberating .. but that is very much up to u and how u deal with the coming out.

Think on this. for every person I lost from my life and who condemned me, I met and gained many who did not judge and became friends, sometimes lovers fr being out encourages others like us to gravitate to us.. and of those who condemned, some.. not all, in time changed and are 1ce again people in my life in a positive way... my beloved brother most of all. I hope coming out with ur family goes well. It wont b easy, but I truly hope it will b as liberating as I found it..

[Stormy Nights]

thank you.

[Stormy Nights]

Im too nervous, if i dont do it tonight or tomorrow i will be so dissapointed in myself

[by~his~side]

Stormy- My husband and I are thinking about you and hoping that this weekend starts a brand new chapter in your life. You have received some awesome support from some very intelligent and caring folks on this site. Please know that many of us here understand your struggle. You are not alone.
I hope when we all hear back from you that you tell us that it was a positive conversation.

Good luck, Hun!
~D~ and NJbimale

[Stormy Nights]

thank you i am going to have to do it today as its sunday

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

So why the all consuming need to relate your sex life to your Grandparents, let alone to your parents? I commend you for the courage to do so, I just dont understand the need to Have to. But...its up to the individul and is their sole decision..:}
Good luck and best wishes.
Cat

[Stormy Nights]

The reason that i have to do it today is because if i dont do it today itll be next month before i see them all together.

[Stormy Nights]

come on Samantha… only two more hrs before i go home hurry the fuck up and give them the letters already! -bites her lip-

[Stormy Nights]

i i cant do it, i cant do it. im sorry… :c

[CamStar94]

Hey, if it's any consolation, I'm literally the exact same age as you - 19, and know what you're going through, but I'm a guy, and have felt this way since about 15. What we both have going for us is we're young. I recommend not overthinking things - this was my problem - just let it be. Accept the flow and change of things, don't stress about the meanings. It'll fall into place. Remember you live life at your own pace, not the speed of others. If you ever need someone to talk to, just send me a message. I'm sure we share more than just common ground!

[by~his~side]

Stormy, you don't owe any of us an apology. This is about you.
Ok, so this weekend wasn't the time to tell them.
The only one who knows when she's strong enough and confident enough to have that discussion is you.
You'll do it when you're ready.

Don't be hard on yourself. Don't be angry with yourself. Be as kind and understanding to yourself as you would be to a friend.
Hang in there and you'll see....you're going to be just fine.

xxoo
~D~

[lookn4fun64]

I agree completely what 'by' wrote to you. Telling parents, grandparents, even siblings can be a traumatic operation for the announcer. Take your time, when you are ready take a deep breath and speak from the heart.
When I told my mom she was disappointed because she wasn't going to see grandchildren. Imagine how she felt when my brother made the same announcement to her.
But times are changing. There are even gay characters on TV shows who have, adopt children to name their own. That wasn't necessarily the case not that long ago. You have a different world to tell your family from. Be comfortable, make your announcement. All will be fine.
You know, they may be already aware of based on your actions from the past.

[Realist]

CamStar, You're wise beyond your years!

Bi-his-side, You are brilliant and say some of the most astounding, intelligent, things!

Stormy, Maybe, some inner part of you, knew this was not the right time. Try not to think of your decision as a failure; it's just a continuing chapter.

[LizaLynn]

i i cant do it, i cant do it. im sorry… :c

It's OK, no need to be sorry. When I was in highschool, I told my mother that I could feel love for both men and women. She didn't need to know that tidbit of information, and she was so upset that didn't speak to me for three days. Years later she asked me who I was into, men or women? I said, "men" and changed the subject. It wasn't worth trying to explain my bisexuality to her. I really had nothing to gain by getting her upset.

[Annika L]

It's OK, no need to be sorry. When I was in highschool, I told my mother that I could feel love for both men and women. She didn't need to know that tidbit of information, and she was so upset that didn't speak to me for three days. Years later she asked me who I was into, men or women? I said, "men" and changed the subject. It wasn't worth trying to explain my bisexuality to her. I really had nothing to gain by getting her upset.

My experience was *similar* but not quite the same.

For some reason this seems to just be a difficult subject for my parents. What's funny is that they have no trouble with the fact that my partner is female. They fully accept her as a member of the family, and they admire the strength of our relationship. But like Liza, I told my mother in high school that I could be attracted to both men and women...and it was just something she didn't want/need to hear. She didn't have a strong reaction...more like a "well, we'll just see what works out"...but it wasn't exactly what I'd call supportive (nor was it anywhere close to what I'd call rejection...she just didn't seem to get it). I've brought it up several times since then (mostly out of a sense of trying to accurately represent my identity...I get so sick of people inferring I'm a lesbian from the fact that I have a longstanding female partner)...and both my mother and father get a little stiff, as if I've committed some kind of faux pas. I think the bisexual aspect just scares them, because it threatens their idea of monogamy...if they'd *talk* to us about it, they would be reassured...but I think they find it difficult to even go there.

I gets Cat's notion about "why is it necessary to tell them at all?" It's not. Neither Stormy nor I nor anyone else have any kind of obligation to tell family about our orientation, or to try to explain it to anyone. We don't do it out of obligation (well...speaking for myself here, and making guesses about Stormy)...rather, it's a sense of *wanting* people who are important to us to understand who we are, and to have a chance to be accepting. They may not...and it sucks when that happens. But it means a *lot* to me that my parents accept my partner. It would be nice to have their blessing on the whole of who I am (who we are, since we're both bisexual). I don't require it; but it would be nice. And they are getting old.

I'm imagining that Stormy feels similarly about her parents...and it's her grandparents who are getting old...so some sense of urgency I get. Just remember Stormy...it's not *necessary*...take the pressure off yourself, and do it at your own pace.

[Dog62]

So why the all consuming need to relate your sex life to your Grandparents, let alone to your parents? I commend you for the courage to do so, I just dont understand the need to Have to. But...its up to the individul and is their sole decision..:}
Good luck and best wishes.
Cat
EXACTLY! Do hetero people write letters to mom, dad and the grandparents about their sex life? Do people into BDSM write letters to their parents telling them about the latest conquests? Has anyone into watersports felt this need to tell mom and dad? What is it about bi/gay people that makes them feel guilty about having a private life and causes them to rush out and tell people who really have no business knowing what your sex life is all about?

[Annika L]

What is it about bi/gay people that makes them feel guilty about having a private life and causes them to rush out and tell people who really have no business knowing what your sex life is all about?

You may infer guilt if you need to...that's certainly not what I feel.

But seriously? This is mysterious to you? Do you really think being gay/bi is only about one's sex life? In fact it says almost nothing about one's sex life.

Heterosexuals, whether into BDSM, watersports, farm animals, or just plan vanilla, have this little advantage that when they bring someone of the opposite sex home and introduce them as their boy/girlfriend, people say "oh, cool, nice to meet you!" If that person is *always* with them every time they go home, or if some day marriage is mentioned, nobody bats an eye...obviously it's become "serious".

When a bi/gay person brings home a same-sex partner, but they are not out at home, and they introduce that person as their girl/boy friend...well in most cases, people assume it's just a friend...the relationship is completely misunderstood. Which sucks. It has nothing to do with sex...it's not like if they knew you were gay/bi, they could safely assume you were doing X, Y, or Z. It's realizing that this person is more than "just a friend" to you...that they are a *significant* other, rather than just an other. And when that person is *always* coming home with you...well...people start to wonder why...does this person have no life of their own? And when/if marriage or commitment is ever mentioned, shit, then the roof flies off anyway. But if you're sensible and sensitive, you can control damage to that roof by broaching early the fact of who you are...not about what you do in bed...but who you are, who you love...and in the all-too-common case of overinvolved parents, who you would *not* like your parents to be fantasizing about matching you up with.

I don't see the comparisons you make as being remotely relevant or fair comparisons.

[tenni]

I see your point Annika.

However, there is no "right way" for a bisexual to deal with their sexual preference whether publicly or privately. It seems gays feel a need to "come out" but not all bisexuals believe in such a need. For some bisexuals it is about who they are having sex with as a private issue.

When such situations lead into a relationship, it may change. A bisexual can be in a "relationship" with one gender or even two genders over time. A bisexual may have a primary relationship with various casual sexual partners beyond that.

Is it a private issue at this point or is there a need to let everyone know that you have sex with more than one gender? Does everyone need to be told that sometimes you may have a relationship with an opposite gender person and sometimes you have a relationship with a same gender person?….Sometimes you may have relationships with more than one person of various genders.

Is this information needed to be known by parents and grandparents? They probably are going to take a position that you are gay ..right?..lol Ignoring the other variables..is the main direction of our monosexual society. :)

[elian]

I am bringing this up because the source of guilt and fear for many people is religious teaching.

We had the defrocked former Methodist Rev. Frank Schaefer speak at our church today. He lost his credentials for officiating his son's gay marriage.

He said a few things that I don't often hear Christian ministers say.. He preached about love, not sin.. He said that what he did for his son, to pray a blessing on the love that his son shares with his partner - was an act of love - he didn't want to see his son suffer any more. He compared it to the parable of the "Good Samaritan" It was really good to hear him say that we are all a part of creation, we are all worthy of love, we are all made as we were intended to be made and no one should ever have to be in so much pain that they think about taking their own life.

He also said that he preaches more now than he ever did in his former ministry .. people come up to him crying because in the years they have been at church they've never heard that message said in exactly that way. LGBT people may be suffering, but there are also times that it is clear to me we are bringing an important message to people who need to hear it (for those willing to listen).

Stormy, when the time is right you will know..things may not be easy - good things in life seldom are. Just don't ever doubt that you are loved very much..regardless of WHAT happens to you in your life.

For some people it is important for them to be honest with people they trust as family, in the hope that there may be acceptance, love and support - not to mention the practical notion of not having to lie awkwardly at holiday gatherings or aunts always trying to fix you up with the "wrong" gender if you have a strong preference one way or the other..

I was really lucky, the week that Obama came out in support of same sex marriage I was in the airport with my mom, some 30-something years after I was born I finally got the courage to tell her and I was so happy she basically said, "I just want you to be happy". I think the next week the Pope basically came out and said, "Who am I to judge?" That was a really good week.

Interestingly enough a gay couple moved next door to my stepdad and I was saying how nice their Christmas decorations looked - he said something about them being gay and so I said, "Well you've known me for years and I'm bi."

The universe has an interesting way of working things out sometimes. He remarried after he split up with my mom and the lady he remarried is now in jail for stealing people's life savings.. It turns out those "gay" guys he was worried about were very good friends when he needed help; one of them had gone through something very similar.

[semibi]

It would be nice to have their blessing on the whole of who I am. I don't require it; but it would be nice.

Of course this makes sense, at least to me.

I did my best to avoid dealing with bisexuality most of my life. Eventually that didn't work. I had to face it, for my own mental health.

I have never tried same-sex sex. At this point, I don't believe I ever will. I am married and monogamous and I value my family and the commitments that I made. But, the truth is still the truth. I feel reasonably confident that I could enjoy sex with a male or female. I believe I could enjoy a committed relationship with either as well, possibly.

At this point, because of my choices and circumstances, I don't share these facts with real world friends or family members. I have some online friends who know the facts. And, that has been helpful to me.

I think Annika's sentiment is valid and important. We all need to feel okay being who we are. And, receiving support, recognition, validation and blessing from those whom we love is paramount to living a fulfilled, healthy life. It's not always easy, and may not always be possible. But, I think this is important stuff to strive for, especially if we think we can achieve it.

[Stormy Nights]

I see your point Annika.

However, there is no "right way" for a bisexual to deal with their sexual preference whether publicly or privately. It seems gays feel a need to "come out" but not all bisexuals believe in such a need. For some bisexuals it is about who they are having sex with as a private issue.

When such situations lead into a relationship, it may change. A bisexual can be in a "relationship" with one gender or even two genders over time. A bisexual may have a primary relationship with various casual sexual partners beyond that.

Is it a private issue at this point or is there a need to let everyone know that you have sex with more than one gender? Does everyone need to be told that sometimes you may have a relationship with an opposite gender person and sometimes you have a relationship with a same gender person?….Sometimes you may have relationships with more than one person of various genders.

Is this information needed to be known by parents and grandparents? They probably are going to take a position that you are gay ..right?..lol Ignoring the other variables..is the main direction of our monosexual society. :)

Yes I do think my dad (ive already told mum) abd my grandparebts need to know as so when one day i have a girlfriend and they go on faxebook abd see it or i invite her over they willnot be shocked by learning it.

[aLABiM75 & StrF51]

Best time to have done it was day 1.

That way if it goes good you got more time to enjoy your time with them.

If it went bad, you would not have to suffer any longer and could have a party for your new life without them.

If it went somewhere in the middle, you'd know who truly loves you & have support baking you up.

[Annika L]

Best time to have done it was day 1.

That way if it goes good you got more time to enjoy your time with them.

If it went bad, you would not have to suffer any longer and could have a party for your new life without them.

If it went somewhere in the middle, you'd know who truly loves you & have support baking you up.



Well, that's certainly a nice theory...but I'm pretty sure she was too little to talk on day 1. I do believe that we all come out or don't come out at our own pace and our own time. There usually isn't even a clear day 1 when you *realize* you're bisexual.

[void()]

I am bringing this up because the source of guilt and fear for many people is religious teaching.

We had the defrocked former Methodist Rev. Frank Schaefer speak at our church today. He lost his credentials for officiating his son's gay marriage.

He said a few things that I don't often hear Christian ministers say.. He preached about love, not sin.. He said that what he did for his son, to pray a blessing on the love that his son shares with his partner - was an act of love - he didn't want to see his son suffer any more. He compared it to the parable of the "Good Samaritan" It was really good to hear him say that we are all a part of creation, we are all worthy of love, we are all made as we were intended to be made and no one should ever have to be in so much pain that they think about taking their own life.

He also said that he preaches more now than he ever did in his former ministry .. people come up to him crying because in the years they have been at church they've never heard that message said in exactly that way. LGBT people may be suffering, but there are also times that it is clear to me we are bringing an important message to people who need to hear it (for those willing to listen).

Stormy, when the time is right you will know..things may not be easy - good things in life seldom are. Just don't ever doubt that you are loved very much..regardless of WHAT happens to you in your life.

For some people it is important for them to be honest with people they trust as family, in the hope that there may be acceptance, love and support - not to mention the practical notion of not having to lie awkwardly at holiday gatherings or aunts always trying to fix you up with the "wrong" gender if you have a strong preference one way or the other..

I was really lucky, the week that Obama came out in support of same sex marriage I was in the airport with my mom, some 30-something years after I was born I finally got the courage to tell her and I was so happy she basically said, "I just want you to be happy". I think the next week the Pope basically came out and said, "Who am I to judge?" That was a really good week.

Interestingly enough a gay couple moved next door to my stepdad and I was saying how nice their Christmas decorations looked - he said something about them being gay and so I said, "Well you've known me for years and I'm bi."

The universe has an interesting way of working things out sometimes. He remarried after he split up with my mom and the lady he remarried is now in jail for stealing people's life savings.. It turns out those "gay" guys he was worried about were very good friends when he needed help; one of them had gone through something very similar.

* sits in shadow, looking on with love, smiling ... leans in, hugs and then returns to shadow * No point cursing darkness, light more candles. * nodding *