Married and concerned

[Lizardking]

I just came out as bi, for the second time, to my wife. She was her usual amazing self, supremely supportive, and said she's already known for about 7 years now (longer than I even suspected it). The last time we had this conversation it didn't take me to long to get worried about the flood gates I may be opening and I quickly retracted.

However, after reading (http://www.dailystrength.org/treatments/Reading) many things and on her own suggestion I have determined not to do that again this time. I'm ready to be me, all of me, and just having her acceptance (http://www.dailystrength.org/treatments/Acceptance) has been a huge weight off my shoulders. However, I am still scared. I have never been with a man, and since I stopped hiding it's only been a few days and I can feel the desire grow. She thinks (and I don't blame her) that it's the same as cheating with a woman. I have NO desire to be with another woman, wouldn't no matter what opportunity came up, but I desire another man frequently and I'm becoming more convinced that that will never go away and all the pornography in the world can't satiate it.

I will not cheat on her no matter what, but I wonder what effect this will have on my psyche, how it will make me feel/act. What happens if I have further bouts of depression and self loathing? What hurts my marriage more, acting on it or not acting on it and becoming a person that I've become at times and isn't a good one. my wife is very supportive, but neither of us know what is going to be best. Any personal suggestions, experiences, etc would be very appreciated! :-)

[Implanted]

It's nice to know that you have a wife who can accept who you are and isn't bothered by the way you direct your fantasies. You've taken a big step that many people never take in discussing it with your partner and you even have a degree of support. If you are like some of us, your desires for men ebb and flow. Sometimes it feels more urgent, like you want to shove a cock in your mouth right now or bend over willingly for someone, but if acting on those desires is too much for your marriage to handle, then there might be some ways to play with those urges with your wife.

If you are interested in being on the receiving end, suggest your wive buy a strap on so she can peg you. You might find that it helps quell those urges and maintains something more interesting in your sex life with your wife. If that isn't possible, if she has a dildo or vibrator, suggest she use it on you. You could use it on her too, though I would suggest that you put a condom on it if you using it anally and remove it before using it on your wife if only to prevent residual feces from causing her an infection.

If that doesn't work for you, you might want to suggest the possibility of you and her having a threesome. She might like the idea. Other than that, discuss with her ways that it might work. Google the phrase, "Ethical Non-monogamy" and find out a little more about communicating with your partner in ways that might make it easier for you to experiment. In my world, cheating is only cheating if my wife doesn't approve. It can be done. Both of us have people we see outside our marriage. Sometimes I hang out with her boyfriend and she hangs out with my girlfriend (I don't have a boyfriend right now). We make it work because we communicate about it and set boundaries. We know those boundaries may change one day, but when they do, we'll discuss how they change. It isn't cheating if she knows and says it's okay. But beware--would you be comfortable if she was with someone else too?

[cbb83]

Pretty much what Implanted said, verbatim. All I can really add is that your desire for men won't really go away - you just deal with it. But it's really no different than how you deal with an unexpected attraction towards a different woman; you just remember who you are, that you love your wife, and that you're in a committed monogamous relationship with her - and you move on. If you can't do that, you may want to consider splitting up before you wind up committing a betrayal.

Read Implanted's reply a couple times and let it really sink in, IMO.

[CurEUs_Male]

Lizardking,
As implanted has hit on some great options, there isn't too much more I can add, but I have a couple things to say.

Suppression of a sexual desire usually suppresses other desires, so be aware that you may notice some ebbing of sexual desires with your wife from time to time. Not good or bad, just to be aware. The play options listed that allow your wife to stay active in your desires should help some with that. Also, depression is a concern when suppressing this side of you, so consider what therapy you might need, either wig a professional or in a group. There are a few really good support groups online for bi/gay married folks and the straight spouses. Some support monagomous, some have had success opening the relationships on one or both sides. Keep in mind if you consider opening up - fair is fair, if one is allowed, all are allowed. Reading some books out there are big pluses before you make a decision, to avoid pitfalls. Look am "opening up", "the ethical slut" for starters.

Feel free red to reach out directly if you would like to discuss these resources one on one.

You have made made a good choice in sharing with your wife before other choices. It is good to hear she is accepting on some level, hopefully you can maintain the existing relationship and a solid marriage as well as living with a little more authenticity about yourself.

Al

[Lizardking]

Thank you so much for the replies. I think our situation is further complicated by the fact that we were Virgins when we meet and have been faithful since. My wife is very accepting, but not terribly adventurous. While it does ebb and flow some i think i differ from most men as i have little desire for random sex. I want to have some connection and trust with someone if i am to have sex with them. She has told me that scares her because it makes her feel like i could fall in love with someone else instead, and while i agree i could fall in love i don't think it could ever supplant what we have. We've been through so much together i don't think i could ever love anyone the same way.

I brought up pegging once, she wasn't comfortable. I have had fantasies about watching her with another man, but she isn't interested in that either. I think her fear is like mine, our relationship has worked and been happy for a while and neither of us wants that in jeopardy. I'm just not convinced that the very act of me being out hasn't put it in jeopardy anyways, but is it worse to stay in denial to myself to save it?

[cbb83]

Just take your time (it could be years), talk to her about it openly and honestly, and try not to be pushy. Gotta remember that even though she has "known" for a while, it's only really been confirmed recently for her - so it's still new to her. From the sounds of things, so long as you don't go too fast you guys sound like you will probably be fine. Just keep in mind that she may not want to be involved in some of those activities, which is her choice and you'll have to respect that if it comes to that.

[elian]

Well, the truth is that it COULD change the relationship, but I doubt it will ever change the way you feel about your wife.

This book helped me deal with feelings of loathing over being happy loving men, but of course your feelings may have more to do with concern over your marriage..

http://amzn.com/157062903X - it certainly isn't perfect but it gave me enough of a shift in perspective to make a difference..

I think both of your feelings are normal reactions, but look at it this way - at least you don't have to go through this alone..

[Lizardking]

I've actually shocked myself with how fast I've come to terms with it. In fact, I had a conversation today with my wife about a man we found mutually attractive. In fact, I'm really kind of proud of myself for how well I am doing with it personally, though I think my relationship concerns may have catalyzed that a bit, and I can say that I've been ALL over my wife the last two days to boot!

However, it is a bit of a double edged sword for me. The more comfortable I'm becoming the more I'm really longing for a man's connection. I know this is going to be a process, but as stupid as it sounds, for the first time in my life I don't feel like I have to be totally "macho" and not seek help with my feelings. I've already opened up more to you guys on here than I have to ANYONE in my life except my wife before, and I do so with no trepidation or hesitation. I never was one to think that sexuality was a big part of who I am, but I'm amazed at how much this is already changing me on a personal level.

Thank you all again SO much for your support!

[Implanted]

After reading your second post, Lizardking, I feel you have a good attitude towards your desires and that you recognize that it is possible to love more than one person at one time. I too don't deal well with random sex. The people I am intimate with are people I love and care for as well. It's more than a friendship and it's more than friends-with-bennifits but I still come home to my wife and I love being with her and spending time with her. CurEUs_Male's suggestions of the books, "Opening Up," and "The Ethical Slut" are indeed the two best books out there for giving you the how-too of ethical non-monogamy.

If you want to read a book though that might help you and your wife look into the possibility of opening up your relationship without actually saying it, I would read "Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. It's a very convincing book that suggest humans may not have started out as monogamous. It doesn't condemn anything about monogamy at all, but it opens the reader's eyes to the possibility that there is possibly nothing wrong with multiple partnerships when you look at it from an historical perspective.

You are right, coming out as you did will likely change your relationship with your wife, but it doesn't have to destroy it. It may take a lot of time and a lot of research and a lot of soul searching, but it could work out. There are polyamorous groups all over North America (including Utah) that might help you through the transition if that is the way you want to go. Just do it with your thinking-caps on and with open lines of communication.

[elian]

It makes complete sense to me that you come back to her even stronger then before..It is probably the best feeling in the world to have the person you love most in this world validate that ALL of you is worthy - it won't always be easy, but as long as you both continue to have good communication with each other I think you will be fine.