Excuses

[waughorama]

So I didn't come to my own realization until after I was married, but I am bi. I know I need to tell my wife but it is so much easier to make excuses, and believe me I have plenty. I think the first one was that I shouldn't tell her right before she heads off to a warzone. Then it was her leaving for the police academy. Then my own deployment. I'm also worried about the whole army thing as well. I know the army says it is okay now, but that doesn't mean that all the guys I'm around agree. One of my friends that knows, who is a bisexual female, recently called me out on it. She was right. I think it comes down to the fact that I am scared. It's easier and safer to keep quiet. The bad part is I don't think she would leave me. She is accepting of others sexuality. Granted, those other people aren't affecting her life either. I'm starting to ramble, and I'm not really asking anything specific either. I guess I just need to man up.

[void()]

It is one thing to be courageous, another to let courage become that
which brings stupidity. What I am meaning in this is simple if you
follow along a bit.

I often struggled in admitting bisexuality. Finally, the idea of
discretion revealed itself. This idea allows one to retain control over
information.

As such, I am selective in whom is told. Mainly, I have told my wife and
lover/s. And there is good reason in that.

Does anyone else care? Usually, I can answer they do not. Will it
adversely effect how they respond to me. Unfortunately, I can answer it
will. They will care but only often to hate.

So, I do not bother shouting from rooftops. Those whom need know, do. I
am courageous but discrete. So yes, man up a bit by all means. No point
though to go laying your neck over a guillotine line, if you do not
need.

[fredtyg]

I'm completely with Void(). No one should feel they have an obligation to tell everyone about their sexual preferences, with the exception of those who actually have a need to know- wives, girlfriends and such. In the case of wives and girlfriends, it is best to get it out of the way earlier on, before things go too far.

I've heard from umpteen guys over the years who didn't tell the wives early on for one reason or another. The most common reason was feeling they wouldn't be fooling around with guys anymore. After a certain amount of time they realize they still have those desires, the wife doesn't know and it's too late to say anything. They end up trapped in a very uncomfortable situation.

But as far as being totally public about it with everyone, I don't see any reason to. Should I feel the need to tell the guy or girl at checkout when I'm buying something at the local grocery store that I like sucking cock or taking it up the ass? No. Would they be interested in knowing? Probably not, at least under those circumstances. I like to try and be honest about it, if asked, but see no need to possibly upset other people and also make my life miserable by telling people who have no compelling reason to know.

[Oborokybiman]

I would introduce her to this site and open up to her in discussion. Her being in the military, I'm sure she has an open mind. Thank you both for your service! I am a Gulf War veteran and know how hard it is to live the military life. However, I did not have a bisexual life back then. We had the 'Don't ask....don't tell!' Policy. Only my wife knows!

[waughorama]

I don't know that I will tell the people in my unit. I'm fortunate to be part of a small team of men, and I'm sure as a vet you are familiar with the...military sense of humor, the jokes lead to thoughts along the lines of "if you guys only knew." I think that it the only reason I mentioned that. That and I'm currently in another country and horny as hell.

My main target is my wife. As of now my sister and my two best friends know, I think those were kind of my test runs. Oddly enough my sister is also bi. Anyway, I go home in the near future and I just need to do it, damn sure before we start talking about kids.

[dickhand]

Be careful my friend . Didn't they invent "redneck" in the great state of Alabama ?

[waughorama]

Believe it or not we do have paved roads, an interstate system, traffic lights, and even electricity. Honestly I've encountered more all-around prejudice in the north east than I have anywhere else in the US.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

To the OP. Theres been great advice all around, Darlin. In the end, its up to you to decide. Dont let it linger on tho. You're right, Man Up, and tell her now before too much time has gone on. Who knows? She may even be up for both of you finding a lover to play with. How cool would That be? ;)
Good Luck Honey.
Cat

[Annika L]

Believe it or not we do have...traffic lights, and even electricity.

Which came first? *wink*

[Realist]

Hey, DICKHAND, no location has the corner on rednecks! I know for a fact that Maine's got their's, too!

I've been all over this country and several others.......I promise you they're everywhere!

But, there's good, decent, people everywhere, too.......the world is a kaleidoscope of personalities...... good, bad, strange, sick, and sane, as well.

Why not focus on the positive, rather than the negative?

[void()]

Be careful my friend . Didn't they invent "redneck" in the great state of Alabama ?

No, that was in West Virginia, due to the Blair Mountain *ahem*
incident. It was a term coined to describe hillbillies whom wore red
bandanas to identify themselves as non-company miners.

So says a newly indoctrinated hillbilly, one whom by their nature was
hillbilly, just not quite aware of it. The Blair mountain incident
was miners against the company in efforts to attain better working
conditions as well as better considerations for the environment.

The company hired off duty federal air planes to bomb the miners whom
were raiding the mountain, which the company had fortified at the top.
The "rednecks" would have taken the hill, as they had done similar when
the British took a mountain top entrenchment.

Blair mountain was the first time the Federal government engaged in
bombing American citizens, on American soil. Not sure if it has been the
only time. Likely it is not as the Federal system requires perversion
of Common Law to Law of Admiralty in order to exist via means of
establishing Chambers of Commerce.

Excuse me if I close a history lesson. Suffice it say, I have researched
this to some extent. America was founded at first under Common Law. The
Law of Admirals, is law of the sea, Common Law, Law of the land which
goes back to a time of King Henry whom proclaimed it to protect his
forests for the people.

Common Law has also been refereed to as God's Law, Divine Law, People's
Law, Forest Law. It is the law of the Free Man. Many Hillbillies feel
this law supersedes the Law of Admirals and believe it ought to still
have valid standing as the ultimate law.

But I digress here in closing. You can look up stuff if you're further
interested.

[elian]

I found the folks in Huntsville to be very personable (they even got them rockets and air-o-space engineers and whatnaught) , and I know certain parts of New England where they refer to a person who has only been there for 60 years as "the new guy" ..

I admire and respect that you know you need to tell her and trying to think of a good way. If you or spouse are in a combat situation is it a good time to bring up this issue? If your wife is pretty open minded it may not be a big deal but I'm just thinking that both of you may already be dealing with a lot of stuff ..

When I tell people about LGBT rights I always bring up LGBT soldiers because quite frankly for years they have been serving, denying a very intimate part of themselves for what they thought was a more worthy goal..that to me takes a lot of determination and perseverance...and it makes me laugh in the face of anyone who makes really stupid slippery slope comments about LGBT rights somehow being equal to uncle Jeb wanting to marry a sheep or a toaster..

Thank you - stay safe..

[CurEUs_Male]

waughorama (http://www.bisexual.com/forum/member.php?147957-waughorama)

You are about to embark on a path that has not map, no directions that are easy to follow. You will need support, and more importantly so will your wife! Yes you two need support equally, but since you are already aware, and looking into the options, support, etc. then you are way ahead of her. There are many options for you two, and you will need to communicate extremely well for this to work. Obviously society pressure is stopping you from communicating. When you are home (do not do this anywhere but with her, at home, no distractions) open up with her about your own self discovery. Do not expect anything from her - she will likely be in shock. Be prepared to work though this subject on many discussions...

Feel free to contact me directly if you need to chat.

Al

[pepperjack]

It is one thing to be courageous, another to let courage become that
which brings stupidity. What I am meaning in this is simple if you
follow along a bit.

I often struggled in admitting bisexuality. Finally, the idea of
discretion revealed itself. This idea allows one to retain control over
information.

As such, I am selective in whom is told. Mainly, I have told my wife and
lover/s. And there is good reason in that.

Does anyone else care? Usually, I can answer they do not. Will it
adversely effect how they respond to me. Unfortunately, I can answer it
will. They will care but only often to hate.

So, I do not bother shouting from rooftops. Those whom need know, do. I
am courageous but discrete. So yes, man up a bit by all means. No point
though to go laying your neck over a guillotine line, if you do not
need.

I like this Void & agree wholeheartedly! Yes , there is a fine line between courage & stupidity. And discretion is a must. I've discovered through sad experience that those who holler " fag " the loudest are oppressive hypocrites , indulging themselves in the same behavior they publicly decry. And ironically, I'm a much more naturally masculine alpha male than they are; go figure!

[void()]

I like this Void & agree wholeheartedly! Yes , there is a fine line between courage & stupidity. And discretion is a must. I've discovered through sad experience that those who holler " fag " the loudest are oppressive hypocrites , indulging themselves in the same behavior they publicly decry. And ironically, I'm a much more naturally masculine alpha male than they are; go figure!

Usually seems the way it goes. I try viewing not granting them opportunity to hate as expressing love for them.
Sure enough, in hate they would provoke more hate, the kind what ends folks. So, I love instead and choose who
knows what.

[snapman]

Well my dear friend, I have been in your shoes before{heels that is lo}..... Having been introduce better yet forced, as a 10 year sucking my cousing cock, not really understanding any of it at the time did leave with a unusal sensation...which to keep a long, long, story short...., with other sexual happings I slowly became Bi...having been married I could never get those feelings out of my mind.....finally they won out and I became a cross dresser seeking sex with other men...All I can say is after looking back
I should have been honest with myself and layed the cards on the table either win the bet or lose it...in the end I wasted my life hiding from myself..don't make that mistake!
Just spell it out to your wife, she either will accept or run for the door...which ever it turns out..you will set yourself free!

[bityme]

I'm also worried about the whole army thing as well. I know the army says it is okay now, but that doesn't mean that all the guys I'm around agree. One of my friends that knows, who is a bisexual female, recently called me out on it. She was right. I think it comes down to the fact that I am scared. It's easier and safer to keep quiet. The bad part is I don't think she would leave me. She is accepting of others sexuality. Granted, those other people aren't affecting her life either. I'm starting to ramble, and I'm not really asking anything specific either. I guess I just need to man up.

While being honest with your wife is always the best policy, being open about your bisexuality in a military workplace might require further thought.

Even though DADT has gone by the wayside, there are still some problems that remain for married individuals. Sexual conduct with anyone other than your wife is still a violation of the UCMJ and could mean a Court Martial, prison time and a Dishonorable Discharge.

[dafydd]

Some people are not comfortable with being evasive about who they really are. I'm not criticising those that are discreet. I understand why. But being out to everyone is not being "stupid". Some people have spent so much of their lives lying and being discreet that for their own good soul they cannot lie any longer when confronted with a situation where sexuality is a topic. Also many many people reap the benefits of being out and proud to everyone, even in the forces. It is not stupid to live ur life afraid of what others think about u. It is brave, enlightening and inspirational to others. Although not everyone is afforded this luxury of opportunity or is spiritually/mentally in place where they are ready, (which is normal). But we were all there once and the positive stories I have heard from others of of being out totally totally totally outnumber the negative ones.


It is one thing to be courageous, another to let courage become that
which brings stupidity. What I am meaning in this is simple if you
follow along a bit.

I often struggled in admitting bisexuality. Finally, the idea of
discretion revealed itself. This idea allows one to retain control over
information.

As such, I am selective in whom is told. Mainly, I have told my wife and
lover/s. And there is good reason in that.

Does anyone else care? Usually, I can answer they do not. Will it
adversely effect how they respond to me. Unfortunately, I can answer it
will. They will care but only often to hate.

So, I do not bother shouting from rooftops. Those whom need know, do. I
am courageous but discrete. So yes, man up a bit by all means. No point
though to go laying your neck over a guillotine line, if you do not
need.

[RobinSpencer251]

I feel that I need no excuse. My wife and daughter already know (suspect) but I have admitted nothing. I don't intend to either, unless something happens that causes me to abandon my current existence and live entirely differently, which I don't really anticipate. My wife won't accept my involvement with anybody else, man or woman, and has said so. She has specifically expressed her understanding that it might be a man (she knows about my toys), and has said that her reaction to known infidelity would probably be violent in either case, and more so if it were a man - why I do not know. I'm not admitting a damned thing, and I feel no political, social, identity, or whatever else pressure to act otherwise. I have nothing to prove. It is what it is.

[waughorama]

I have not truly been active outside of marriage. I admit to once, which I did enjoy, but I prefer to respect the relationship we have. I'm just about positive that she would not let me stray, which I am okay with. I'm not planning on admitting to ever having been with a man. My plan is, you know how you just know that you wanted to be with a man, how is was natural, well it's that way for me too. The only difference is that I know that I want to be with a woman too, and with you. From there we will just have to see where the conversation goes. I'm not telling her because I feel like I have to have a boyfriend. I'm telling her because she deserves to know.

[stonebow]

You're not "planning" on admitting to having been with a man... what if she asks straight out? Will you admit to your one pre-marital bi adventure, or lie to her? Your present anguish over the situation leads me to believe you aren't the type who'd be comfortable with a lie so why not simply make up your mind that once you've told her of your feelings, you'll answer any questions she has with complete honesty?

[Ja&Ve]

You should be up front. Preferably before infidelity rears it's head. So much better for the relationship. You may deal with a roller coaster for a few months. But if it's discovered through being caught cheating, acceptance and the rebuilding of trust can take years if it doesn't cause divorce outright. But it's not right to rob your wife of the ability to consent, and to be able to know and enjoy all that you are. You also rob her of the ability to comfort you during times when this whole bothers you for whatever reason and to fully have love and enjoy all of you, however you decide to proceed.

[Neonaught]

I have been married 26 years but did not come out to my wife until 12 years ago and that included my military time (USN/USMC). Why? Because I correctly judged that the time was not right and she wasn't ready or open to hearing it. I was not getting much action at all at that time anyway, especially in my military time. If you are not doing anything except what Jimmy Carter called "Lusting in your heart" then what is there to report? This is life not Facebook people! We don't have to share every tiny facet of our personalities with the world all day long. My sex life is my private business and I just don't feel the need to share such a personal thing with anyone I don't intend to get naked with.

You are right that she deserves to know but I think you have the smarts to also pick a proper time to tell her.