Need Some Reassurance...

[Curious_Girl74]

I've been lurking on here for quite a while and I would like to make some friends. I feel alone and just nee some good people to talk to.

I am 39, newly married --both of us are bisexual. My husband was married before (as was I) and he was bicurious at 36. He acted on it - no excuse but his marriage was falling apart, she wasn't having sex with him. Fast forward- he divorced and I separated from my ex husband.

I knew he had bi experiences. But last February, I found out he had oral with a stranger on Craigslist. I was devastated but I wanted him to know he could talk to me and didn't have to hide from me. He cried and was remorseful. We went on to have a sexy MMF session together a month later. I think I was trying so hard to make sense of it all.

We married in October but I have been going over and over it all obsessively. He loves me and I love him. But I am afraid. I'm afraid he will do it again, I'm afraid men can't really be bisexual (which I know is absurd bc women can be) and is really gay.

Our sex life is great. He wants it all the time and I feel myself wanting to be so open sexually but at the same time, I'm fearful and don't want to withdraw. I've read too much - how gay men think all bi men are in denial.

I'm oversimplifying everything but I need some understanding and support...

[void()]

First, I would appreciate some understanding as well. Your post
coinciding with another post being bumped up on the forum creates an
certain appearance. The theme of the other post which was bumped is
quite congruent with the theme you posit.

This makes long time visitors of the site, like myself, weary of
responding to such posts. As a bisexual man, it is likely the response
I give will be useless to you. I will explain some of the reasoning for
that.

1. Being a bisexual man and very secure, mature in that fact I grow
tired of pissing wars in the postings here.

And the theme your post and the other post present is one that bisexual
men are merely closeted homosexual men. My thoughts on this are to
respond bluntly.

"Excuse me, sorry. You were flapping your gums, or was that just a
breeze on my cock?"

The bluntness translates to, I disagree strongly that bisexual men are
merely closeted homosexual men.

2. Your post further seeks to enshroud verbal, or written hooks to
engage others in sparring, trolling.

My response to this is also very direct and blunt.

"Fuck off already!"

I think such response is rather articulated well enough to not require
translating. If you have difficulty comprehending it, I'm sure any
friends you may have, can explain it.

Now to respond civilly, I am sorry you seem to be having difficulty in
accepting your husband's needs of enjoying same sex sexual encounters.
You did know before hand that he is bisexual. You even joined him in a
threesome.

My wife is straight. She knew I am bisexual before hand. She does not
join me in threesomes. She has no problem though in me fucking my
boyfriend, or him fucking me. My point here being I am having difficulty
in seeing what your problem is exactly?

I do not think your husband plans to run off from you. It seems obvious
enough he is content to be open with you. Clearly, if you found out he
was fucking a guy, he was not hiding it. Even if you did have to look
into his browsing history, still provides no proof he hid anything.

There are means and methods to circumvent browsing history. Seems he did
not take any of those. Ergo, he was not hiding it. So, again, difficult
in seeing your problem here. Hard to offer support when no real problem
is seen.

And so all I can fall back on is past experience from visiting the site,
watching how folks troll others. I hesitate in saying you seem a troll,
hesitate in saying you do not seem a troll. Guess time will be Isis with
her veil.

[tenni]

What you may be experiencing is a bit of biphobia and this is not uncommon for women, even bisexual women to think this way towards bisexual men. Of course, men may be bisexual and not gay just as you are bisexual and not a lesbian. There may be some differences of behaviour and needs between bisexual women and men but our attraction to both genders is the same.

As you may know sexual attraction for bisexuals, in particular, may be fluid. He may need same sex interaction at a different point or more than you do. HIs sexual behaviour towards you should re assure you but there may come a time when he needs to be sexually with a man.

It might help if your focus on the difference that we are bisexual and not monosexual (heterosexual or gay). We may be attracted more or less towards one gender but if we are bisexual. We do not turn gay but our interests may turn stronger towards the opposite gender or our own. Some find that the swing is drastic at first but settles down as to the speed and how strongly we are attracted. Yet, others suppress their sexuality and it is not until they are well into middle age before they can not suppress their attraction anymore. You have both come to terms of your sexuality and that should be a good thing. Still you feel the biphobic fear that bimen can not be real bisexual and attracted to both. Keep it in your mind that you are probably dealing with insecurity and not his sexuality.

It is great that you tried a MMF experience. Why not be open enough and welcoming enough to create boundaries on how you both may interact sexually with your own gender on your own? He or you may need this at one point or other in your lives. Boundary questions such as:
Do you want to meet your husband’s friend?
Do you want to be in the same room or does he feel the need to spend time sexually with just a man..and you a woman?
What sex safety behaviour is required?
Do you want to know what he did with the man?(some wives get really turned on and some don’t want to know the details)
There are many more that will surface as you discuss this openingly.

Reassuring each other that you love each other is important as is communicating especially if either of you feel the fluid shift towards your own gender. It is one of the negatives of our sexuality but think of the positiveness that two bisexuals have fallen in love with each other. How sweet is that? :)

[Curious_Girl74]

Thanks for the response...I'm HONESTLY looking for help here. I understand your skepticism and trolling comment, but thats not me. I didnt see the other thread and just wanted a way to connect to others here.

I don't want to keep frustrating my husband because I love him, but I know my past --- I was raised in an alcoholic household by my grandparents and have a horrible time trusting other people. I fell in love with him after a long marriage (I married way too young the first time at 19) and he cheated with another man. He said he was afraid I would freak out if he told me he was wanting to give a blowjob. I have moments of clarity and moments where I cry inconsolably. I have a feeling it's more than just the bi issues --it's my childhood trust issues rearing up.

Thanks, Tenni for your post. I think it may be some biphobia on my part. You have given me some food for thought. Iam turned on by the thought of him with a man and me, but the trust issue is the bigger problem. I worry: will he leave me?

I do love him and we have a lot in common. It truly helps to read posts from bisexual men.

[void()]

Can agree it seems to be trust issues. And trust is a cornerstone of any relationship.
All I may offer is keep being honest with one another. Talk. When you think you're
done talking? Talk some more. ;)

Wife and I married after meeting on the web. Both of us haunted a site which used
an HTML (http://foldoc.org/HTML) interface to IRC (http://foldoc.org/IRC). Soon after we began using ICQ (http://foldoc.org/icq) out of convenience and desiring
privacy.

During this time I had become something of Windows power user. It was to the point of
hacking the newest Windows NT server software for a friend. He would get a prototype
as one of the lead developers, set a server up for me to "destroy".

Microsoft kept fouling with license terms, and writing crappy software. Me and my friend
disliked this much. Him so much he left Microsoft to go to Oracle. I took up Linux a bit, yet
had not fully left Windows.

In those days, Linux was a bit of a dinosaur to get installed and set up. At any given you're
not here for computing 101. *chuckles* Suffice it say after about four months of talking on
the web and internet, I asked my girlfriend to marry.

She had not ever sent me any pictures, nor had I asked. Knew I loved her simply from talking,
albeit in text, with her. I had told her of my bisexuality. She still loved me, told me she would
think about marrying. Eight days later she said "okay." Literally, "okay."

After this she decided to come for visits during her time off from college. It took us a few
years to save up some money for a ceremony and trappings. Her grandfather meantime took
me out for a pick up ride one late evening.

Had a rifle in the rack on the cab's back window. He laughed and said I ought to be more
concerned about the pistol on his lap. I chuckled and responded that I saw no need to be
concerned over either one.

So, we went up the road a ways. Went on into a section of hills where the night grows
into a silent velveteen blanket. "You love my girl", he asked.

"Yes sir, believe I do", I replied as he passed me a bag of chewing tobacco. I took a fair
size plug, settled it in my jaw, rolled the window down just enough.

"You ever afix to hurtin' her, ya see where ya'll be", he asked. I spat out the window.

"Fine country, sir. I don't aim on being back", I said passing his tobacco bag back.

The irony of that being her sister's husband refuses to go for a "ride" with granddad.
At times the guy even fears going to his house because "he's got guns in there, loaded
ones even!"

Told my wife about the incident. She chuckled a little but then cursed. "That old mule!
I told him to not try scaring you off."

Been with her about fifteen years now, thirteen of it married. Still find myself *ahem*
taking matters in hand, thinking of her. Of course, I take matters in hand thinking of my
boyfriend as well.

Love both of them, lust after both. It comes back to communication, honesty,
respect. Oh yeah, lots of hugs help too. :)

N.B. Instead of I do, or I will, she said "Okay" for a response to our vows.
I said "okay" as well. :)

[Long Duck Dong]

curious girl.... do yourself a favour and drop the biphobia aspect..... because what you are talking about, is something that happens a lot with people.... and unless there is heterophobia because a heterosexual person has a concern that their partner may leave them for another person.... then its just another way of making out that your concern is anything but normal beheivour and puts you in with people that have a irrational fear and concern about bisexual people.... and as you are bisexual yourself, you know that you are a normal person, albeit with a few rough edges..... welcome to the human race......

you have had a rough experience with a ex partner, so what you need to do, is sit down with your partner and talk about what has happened with that relationship and your marriage... and work out what triggers the concerns and worries in you because the goal is not to try and get rid of the concerns but learn how to live with them without being limited by them... a bit like the emotional * scars * of a broken heart... and that way your fears become less of a restrictive and claustrophobic aspect of your life......

what should be important to you, is not what other people say about other people.....some gay men can be very catty and nasty at times tho often its more about a control and power aspect... they are *secure * in their own sexuality but need to feel like they are * better than the rest * a bit like the way that some people try and put homosexuality in a * second class * role in live and society........ and the reality of the situation is that there are lesbians that say the same thing about bisexual females and yes we have some ladies that are in relationships with females.... but its a individual aspect of each person......

there may come a time that you have children and female problems that can restrict your ability to have sex and / or enjoy it... and that will become a tough time if your partner indicates that he would like to continue sexually with other guys rather than a sexless period in your lives.... and that will being up any unresolved issues with your concerns......

while we can not really control our emotional and mental shifts, there is something that you are overlooking and that is that people stay with the one they live because often they do not want to lose the person / people that they value so much... you love your partner, he loves you, the foundation for a good marriage, the rest is compromise, understanding and learning to balance things out......

so try not to over think things...... * planning * ahead to a time when your partner may become a gay male is like signing a pre nuptial before a marriage,... it may be a way of protecting your assets in the event of a break up and divorce, but in a way its planning the divorce before the marriage........ so rather than worry about if he may turn gay, how about focusing on learning more about how he thinks, feels and desires... there may be much more to your marriage and sexuality than you are seeing.....

talking about being with others can be a great help, sharing the experience of being with others is also a great help as you become aware of any shifts and changes in the relationship and each other......its part communication, part honest and mostly sharing and involvement.....and as you both are in the prime situation of being with each other, it makes it a lot easier for you both to * iron out the wrinkles *

fear for a lot of people is * False Evidence Appearing Real * a assumption, idea or belief that people can continue to hold on to, to the point that they create situations and realities around their * fear * in order to continue to live according to the limitations that the * fear * causes in their lives..... in the same way that a phobia can become a very real and damaging fear in peoples lives..... and to be honest, you have said that your fear is not of bisexuals or bisexuality but one of * how can I trust my partner when I am concerned that I may lose him to another person *... thats not biphobia, thats a rational concern......

my dear, you love and trust your partner already, you married them and shared a 3some with them..... the world did not end, the sun did not fall into the sea and here you are in a bisexual site asking people how do you learn to reconcile your fears, concerns and worries because your partner and your marriage matter to you a lot, you want to be able to give with and to your partner freely and without limitation.....and that will take time.... maybe talking with a relationship counsellor about ways to deal with and work around your trust concerns and ways that your partner can help with acting in ways that do not cause them to flare up while you both enjoy your sexuality, marriage and sexual freedom

[Gearbox]

I worry: will he leave me?
That's what gets you into that cycle of clarity and tears IMO. By worrying that he'll leave you, you're building up the affect it will have on you if he did. In doing so, you are also taking scoops of that forecasted emotional pain to have right now while he's still with you.
I think we all do that to some degree, but we know it's a complete waste of time and a really bad choice of possibilities to take a scoop out of.:)

The next time you get into that teary state, stop and examine what got you there. What were your thoughts & feelings? What was your mood and how did you feel about yourself in general?
In time you could learn to recognize when your heading towards a downward slope and do something to avoid it. You could let him know that you need him around at those times.
Don't keep it to yourself! Never wallow in it either!

I've read too much - how gay men think all bi men are in denial.
Have you read much about how married bi men run off with another man? I doubt you'd get as much to read on that topic.:bigrin: Particularly if the married bi loves his wife and only wants to give bj's.
Go see for yourself, and even do a poll about it if you like. I'm pretty sure you'll see that the odds of your husband leaving you for a man is VERY low. He could suck 100's and not gain the slightest interest in leaving you for a man. Even if he did, he'd need some damn lucky break to get a man to run to.:)

[tenni]

Thanks for the response...I'm HONESTLY looking for help here. I understand your skepticism and trolling comment, but thats not me. I didnt see the other thread and just wanted a way to connect to others here.

I don't want to keep frustrating my husband because I love him, but I know my past --- I was raised in an alcoholic household by my grandparents and have a horrible time trusting other people. I fell in love with him after a long marriage (I married way too young the first time at 19) and he cheated with another man. He said he was afraid I would freak out if he told me he was wanting to give a blowjob. I have moments of clarity and moments where I cry inconsolably. I have a feeling it's more than just the bi issues --it's my childhood trust issues rearing up.

Thanks, Tenni for your post. I think it may be some biphobia on my part. You have given me some food for thought. Iam turned on by the thought of him with a man and me, but the trust issue is the bigger problem. I worry: will he leave me?

I do love him and we have a lot in common. It truly helps to read posts from bisexual men.

When you wrote about the man wanting to give a bj to another man, you were referring to your present husband and not your past correct?

Will he leave you? No one may predict with complete accuracy that we will wake up tomorrow. Know what you know now. You have a man who is the same sexuality as yourself and says that he loves you. If you are turned on by watching him with another man, is he comfortable having sex with a man while you are present? If he is, that may be your best option but as I wrote some guys want one on one time with another man. In fact, I have actually read that more from bisexual women wanting one on one time with a woman rather than the husband present. I think that you can work it out by communicating. If you feel the lack of trust, realize that it may be coming from you due to your past experiences. Don't let it spoil what seems like a good relationship otherwise.


The odd person on this site doesn't believe in biphobia. It can be powerful as well as homophobia. Whether it is that or your past experiences it doesn't matter as long as your are able to resolve your insecurity.

[Bipartisan1982]

I think you need to figure out what kind of relationship you want to be in. I believe that some bisexual people use their bisexuality as an excuse to cheat. They claim they need to be with both sexes but sex is ultimately just a desire no matter how strong it is. It's not like oxygen, you won't die if you go too long without having sex with either gender. If a straight or homosexual person cheats you won't hear them say they needed to be with someone else. Some people just aren't meant to be in a monogamous relationship and there's nothing wrong with that in and of itself. There is something wrong with entering into a relationship with someone that expects monogamy and then cheating on them. I think it's clear that if you want monogamy that you're with the wrong man. It's not because he's bi but because he simply isn't the monogamous type. Now if you're not against an open relationship where he can see other guys and you can see other women then things may work out for you.

I would like to stress that just because you knew he was bi doesn't mean you should automatically be fine with him having same sex relations on the side. Not all bisexual people are incapable of commitment. We all have urges no matter how much you love the person you're with. Some people just have an easier time controlling those urges. However sense you're also bi and he's unlikely to stop cheating no matter how remorseful he seemed to be an open relationship seems like a happy compromise.

[tenni]

I think that we also need to realize that bipartisan places himself as a Kinsey 2 when contextualizing his ideas. Although bisexual, he may not have the same needs as bisexuals who identify with higher on the scale for same sex while in a relationship with the opposite sex. Judgmental people come in all sexualities and frequently attack bisexual men for not being all like they are. The OP is aware of her husband's and her own sexuality . She is searching a positive way to live together in love as happy bisexual people. I think that both partners in this bisexual relationship need support and less judging by monosexual values. There is no cheating if both are aware and agree on the ground rules that they hopefully will establish. If there is a slip, discuss it. If you have a fear discuss it without ridicule and condemnation.

[Bipartisan1982]

I think that we also need to realize that bipartisan places himself as a Kinsey 2 when contextualizing his ideas. Although bisexual, he may not have the same needs as bisexuals who identify with higher on the scale for same sex while in a relationship with the opposite sex. Judgmental people come in all sexualities and frequently attack bisexual men for not being all like they are. The OP is aware of her husband's and her own sexuality . She is searching a positive way to live together in love as happy bisexual people. I think that both partners in this bisexual relationship need support and less judging by monosexual values. There is no cheating if both are aware and agree on the ground rules that they hopefully will establish. If there is a slip, discuss it. If you have a fear discuss it without ridicule and condemnation.

Well where do I start? For one where I place myself on the kinsey scale does not matter. There are needs and desires and sex is not something you need. This is not an opinion it's a fact. Also I never attacked anyone, if anything you attacked me for having a different opinion. Yes I said I believe SOME bisexual people use their bisexuality as an excuse to cheat. I also said there is nothing wrong with not wanting or being capable of monogamy as long as you don't enter into a relationship with someone that does. I even suggested she consider an open relationship. You said there is no cheating if both are aware, her husband went behind her back and had oral sex with a guy. What is that called? In your attempts to make me seem aggressive and judgmental you came off as... aggressive and judgmental.

[Curious_Girl74]

Everything you all have written is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you so very much. Men's perspectives instead of letting these insecure thoughts roll around in my head.

I have lived in my head for so long (my whole life really) and in my fears, its almost like my husband now was brought to me for a reason. I took a deep plunge into the unknown with him. I want to experience life with him, the ups and downs, and I want him to know I understand and accept it all. I'm almost 40 but I feel like I'm finally living and facing my past and my fears.

I am attracted to men and women. So is he. Who better to spend my life with than someone who I can share it all with. I guess I just need complete and total honesty - trust is the most important thing to me.

[void()]

I would like to stress that just because
you knew he was bi doesn't mean you should automatically be fine with
him having same sex relations on the side. Not all bisexual people are
incapable of commitment.

Sorry if I seemed to imply she ought to automatically accept his other
relationships. At the same time, if both entered into marriage "eyes
wide open" to what things were, well, guess it would mean she accepted
on some level. Hence my expression of that. But I concur with you too.

Bisexuality is one thing. Cheating is another. I dislike it when folks
conflate the two. Simply put, being bisexual does not automatically mean
you will cheat. Nor does cheating imply cause from bisexuality. Lots of
folks seem incapable of comprehending this.

[Curious_Girl74]

We have talked A LOT about why he did what he did. He has gone to counseling with me and it makes sense. But I still have my guard up and I don't want to anymore. I really want to give in and trust him with my heart again. He is my perfect match -and after years of being with someone else I had nothing in common with but our kids, I don't want to lose what I have with him.

[Bipartisan1982]

Bisexuality is one thing. Cheating is another. I dislike it when folks
conflate the two. Simply put, being bisexual does not automatically mean
you will cheat. Nor does cheating imply cause from bisexuality. Lots of
folks seem incapable of comprehending this.

I agree, it's one of those annoying stereotypes that gets attached to bisexuals. Particularly bisexual men.

[tenni]

I agree that bisexuality does not mean you will cheat but if you do, it indicates a breakdown in communication between the bisexual and their partner imo. That should exclude extremes though. A person having multiple sex partners of both genders while their partner believes that they are monosexually monogamous shows huge issues beyond their sexuality imo. The bi guy who has sex with another man while in a relationship with a woman but no other women is a very different scenario. It is a stereotypical position to see them as the same.

I see it as not just personal to their situation but a monosexual value system within the mainstream society. Of course, a bisexual will want to have sex with both genders. It is wise to plan for that and keep the dialogue going on inner changes of sexual fluidity. No bisexual should be forced to promise not to ever want to be sexual with another person opposite of the partner. It seems logical.

Focus on a positive resolution to issues preventing people from understanding and accepting other partner's needs realistically.

What is not a stereotype is if a person is in a relationship with a bisexual, you are going to have to continually explore options until both parties are happy. Repressing your sexuality and sexual needs is not the way imo.