Men discovering women later in life?

[tempted41]

Hello everyone - this is my first post so please be patient with me. :) I am a 41 yo male. Up until a couple of years ago I had considered myself gay, ever since my mid-20's when I 'came out to myself'. In my early adolescence I fantasized about being with both men and women, but I never acted on either. I finally lost my virginity in my mid 20's, and since then dated / had sex with exclusively males up until a couple years ago, when I just sort of stopped dating and being sexually active for whatever reason. However, I still continued to watch gay porn and fantasize mainly about men.

Recently, I changed location and living situations, and for the first time in my life I fell madly in love with a woman, who happened to be staying in the same apartment building. She is younger (late 20's), and we eventually had sex a couple times. The first time was amazing for me, and I had hoped we would become a couple because I really did have sincere feelings for her, not just on a physical level. She made me feel in ways I have never felt about anyone and on so many levels. In the time that has passed since we hooked up however, I have sadly had to realize that she isn't interested in seeing me as a bf, and I also came to see some traits in her that make me feel she is probably not the wisest choice for me as serious girlfriend material (mainly maturity issues).

However, this experience awakened a side in myself that I would love to continue to foster. I want to date more women now. I haven't even fantasized about men or watched gay porn in months. This is like a new awakening for me. It's hard to explain and I'm not even sure what to make of it really. I can tell you that I am serious and sincere about how I feel now and in some ways I feel like I took the long way around to finding what will make me happy as I never felt with men.

In any case, the problem I am having is that I think women expect a man my age to generally know how to treat & act around a woman, and of course to have some level of sexual skill with a woman. In that department I am still learning. I would like to learn especially how to please a woman orally, but I have read that a lot of women will not even allow a man 'down there' if he doesn't know what he is doing.

I guess I would be curious to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience and any positive advice you could give me on how to pursue women successfully at this stage in life. I am not effeminate, but women have amazing intuition and I feel as though they can tell when a man doesn't have a strong alpha-male energy around women. I have watched a lot of videos by dating 'experts' (like Coach Corey Wayne, etc.) and I think some of the advice is solid, but I am not looking to be a player or pick-up artist; I sincerely want a long term romantic/sexual relationship with a woman.

Any advice most appreciated!

D

[steve10557]

Yours sounds like a fairly unusual situation, but all I can say is that whatever you do, do it with tenderness, empathy and a dash of humour. Women are a lot like people in many ways :bigrin:

[edmann35]

Be yourself. That way you never have to remember the LIES. in my opinion, your the best later in life bloomer, so to speak. You don't know what to do and you wont act like you do. So ask, what the woman likes and what makes her feel good.

[zigzig]

Be honest about your sexual experience with women if you find a serious female. Then she will know what to expect from you. I'm also late bloomer mostly of dating women so I know how it feels that you meet someone, and he/she expects you to know what to do next.

[tempted41]

Maybe I am paying too much attention to the dating experts but it seems that to many men, women are a conundrum and a mystery like a riddle you have to solve to be allowed into the temple, as it were. It's like you can't make a straight line to where you want to go. From my experience, with men it's pretty easy. When you go on a date with a guy you both know if there is an attraction and if the date is going to lead to sex, you can pretty much get to a place where that can happen and dive right in. I am not sure it works that way with women. I realize even men who have been only interested in women their whole lives have difficulty sometimes understanding how to attract and please a woman. The funny thing is that the challenge of learning how to attract and be a good mate to a woman is part of what I am finding attractive about this process. I just imagine that most women in my age range of interest (mid 30's to early 40's) don't desire to deal with a man who knows so little about women. I would think they have been 'around the block' and are looking for a man who knows what he is doing. There are things we don't talk about or read about that straight men learn by experience (for example, with men, I never had to think about what time of the month it was).. etc. I had thought about dating much younger women but it feels a bit odd to me, plus someone showing signs of personal development and maturity are really important to me if I'm going to have a serious relationship with them. So I'm in an odd place - the life experience of a 40-something with the (straight) sexual/romantic experience of a teenager! :bigrin: It's funny - I watched '40 year old virgin' the other day, and some parts of it really hit home for me!

I thank you all for your kind words and advice always appreciated!

D

[12voltyV2.0]

Well--that you are gay and now have developed an interest in women later in life, is the corollary to what most of us guys on here have found--we felt we were at least more straight than anything for most of our lives and were only interested in women--but later in life---we either found a new or renewed interest in being with other guys.

I do find it this to be interesting and have to wonder why this is something that seems to actually be rather common.

[Volodya]

This is like a new awakening for me. It's hard to explain and I'm not even sure what to make of it really. Where is the problem? You are capable of “all kinds” of sexuality. In reality there is only one sexuality with different sexual objects, which are relatively similar. Sexual identities are for those who feel safer with a crippled sexuality. Your approach is exemplary, because you dare to try new things! I often try to convince women who complain about men to try women, but they don't dare it. What a pity!


In any case, the problem I am having is that I think women expect a man my age to generally know how to treat & act around a woman, and of course to have some level of sexual skill with a woman.
There is nothing you can't easily learn with the help of the internet or some helpful commercial places (like Kamilla Dee in Berlin).


I am not effeminate, but women have amazing intuition and I feel as though they can tell when a man doesn't have a strong alpha-male energy around women.
Take it easy! I have recently read the Kindle edition for PC of “The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them” by W. Anton; a simple book with a simple concept, but consistent and worth the money.

[Hypersexual11]

I don't think I've come across this particular issue before so I find it pretty fascinating. When you spoke of this first woman and how you felt, and how you now plan on finding a woman for a relationship, the problem that occurred to me first is you will be in for an emotional roller-coaster.

Your first gf, a convenient fb should have brought forth no more emotional bond than a dude you would meet for a one night stand. (not assuming you did that, just a reference you can understand) You are entering into an era of exploration and discovery that most of us painfully endured in our teens or early 20s. We learned a lot about how to handle our emotions around women. They are way more complex than what you have been dealing with. Even knowing exactly what we are going into, men still blindly do it because women can be very adept at manipulation.

A piece of advise from Gemma. (Sons of Anarchy matriarch) "Men need to be loved, women just need to be wanted". Take that for what it's worth but remember that women know this. Once you are in love, they can really fuck with you.

Sorry to sound so pessimistic but in my life, women have caused me nothing but grief and I really do not like them. Obviously there are great women out there, hell, I'm happily married to the best. They aren't that easy to find, especially at your age. Even the perfect ones will have baggage you may not want to deal with.

Lastly, your concern about pleasing a woman can be put on a back burner. Read a few Letters to Penthouse and you can learn all you need to know. If you dont understand something look it up. Pleasing a woman sexually isn't the hard part usually. It's getting to the point of trying that is the challenge and the danger.

[Realist]

I lucked up in my early 20s and met, then lived with an older bisexual nurse, who knew I was never going to make a hit with women! I assume she saw some redeeming value in me and took me under her wing, to show me how to appreciate and develop meaningful rapport with the ladies.

I treated women exactly as I had my male lovers and was wondering why I hadn't ever had a decent relationship with one? In my experience, what Hyper said rings true: "Men need to be loved, women just need to be wanted" That's fairly simplistic, but that's an easy way to say, THEY are usually much different than US!

If I were you, I'd try to find a lady, who might be older, like mine was, your age, or even younger, but she must understand that you're a novice and need some guidance to help you develop your M/F skills. Start dating, focus on their needs, and interests...listen to them, don't talk over her, or about yourself too much, and see if she has compatible goals, thoughts, and desires. If you listen, she will tell you all about herself, although she may not realize it.

Believe me, after those 18 months with my teacher, I was a different person. (Happier, more confidant, and understood what I wanted in a lover and mate)

There are some fantastic women out there and it may take some time and effort, but I guarantee you there's one out there who could be absolutely perfect for you! If you know you will always have a desire for male companionship, there are women who will happily share, or even allow a male lover on the side.

Women are worth the effort, as far as I'm concerned. Be yourself, listen to them, make them understand they are important to you, respected, and cared for.....be honest. I'm not talking about selling your soul, here, but finding the right one can be a treasure for the rest of your life! (I could write a book about the wonderful bisexual lady, who I met right here, a little over 5 years ago)

Then, maybe you will be rewarded with the type of companionship that only they can provide. More than likely, it's gonna be a trial and error exercise, because there are many different types of personalities, interests, and characteristics. You will need someone, who fits the pattern for your ideal partner, so that may take a while. Don't settle for the first one, unless she may have all he traits you admire.

And, this works for all types of relationships; if you settle for less than you want, you will never be satisfied!

[Annika L]

I've been here for years writing about pretty much the same thing as the OP. I have been exclusively with a woman since I was 19. The first several years, neither of us really missed men at all...life without men was a kind of sour grapes experience that we enjoyed together. But as we've grown older, both of our interest in men has increased (while our interest in women has not noticeably decreased). So I would say it's completely parallel to what the OP is describing. So far, we've not "done anything" about this increased interest...but if we do, we'll be in your same position of being *rather* out of practice and feeling a bit newbish.

Tempted, I would suggest that you view this new phase as being rather akin to a second adolescence. That is to say, you need to be open to experimentation and open to not always knowing exactly what you're doing. Sounds like you're off to a decent start...you've had some enjoyable sexual adventures with a woman. Do bear in mind how women may be different from men, in terms of our needs and desires, but don't overthink it (I don't buy this crap about us not needing to be loved...sounds like a man's rationalization for treating women like sex objects to me). But it's important to pay attention to your needs and desires as well...if you find a woman who happens not to be into sex (or not much), then no matter how awesome she may be in other regards, you'll not be happy, if what you really want is to experience sexual passion with a woman.

In general, though, (and I'm sorry gents, if this hurts to hear) I don't think women actually have great expectations of men as lovers. Yes, we want what we want and we need what we need...and that may seem demanding to many men...but we're unsurprised when men don't provide it. So as long as you're honest about where you're coming from, I don't think lack of experience would be terribly off-putting...hell, it may mean you can still learn! (A prime complaint I *do* hear from women about men is that they have this image of what women want sexually...but most of this image comes from media portrayal and from pornography, which are usually pretty far from the mark of what we're actually looking for...so be sensitive and be open to learning, and you should be ok.)

I hope that's somewhat helpful. Good luck!

[tenni]

"In general, though, (and I'm sorry gents, if this hurts to hear) I don't think women actually have great expectations of men as lovers."


​Well, thank gawd..I thought…about time. Then I read the rest of Annika's comments which sure reads like an expectation or two. :yikes2::love87::banghead::bdaygrin: ;) :)

Lower the expectations from mere mortals…lol

[rogueone777]

Hi, I am also going through something very similar. I've rediscovered my interest in women but it's been a while since I've dated a woman. So I'm just a little unsure of where to go or what to do to find a woman for dating. I am someone who commits myself to my other half. Just having trouble approaching women again and make the initial first step.