How did you know someone was bi?

[tssoepxxx]

Okay, I'm pretty new out here, and actually only came to this site to really learn about myself. At the same time I am interested in meeting a FWB; someone that I can rely on and trust. What I'm finding out about meeting others like myself, is that it's a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack. The ONLY way I have every met anyone who was bi is through an online forum such as craigslist or here, and I've only personally met two people over the last 3 years. My question to the community is how have you approached other people you meet face to face? Keep in mind that my intentions are to keep things discrete. For the most part I'm only attracted to women, and I love everything about a woman, but occasionally I like some man on man play. Every now and then, I'll see someone in the gym and I'll think they have a nice body, but that's where I leave it. How would you approach them knowing your ultimate intentions, and how do you know if they are like minded?

How have you organically grown your past relationships with someone who didn't originally know about your private side?

[void()]

Good old fashioned flirting can be of great value.

"Oh damn, dropped my towel. Can you pick it up for me hon?"

Step back, keep your mind neutral and watch the reaction.

If it is "service with a smile", you might consider flirting a little more. If
the smile remains, be a bit less subtle. You might brush against someone
"in passing" while half way turned on by them.

"Excuse me, baby. Didn't mean to ..." (Blush and shrug, continuing "in passing")

If the smile and an empathetic "oh, that's okay", considering bringing the cards
to the table. The main thing is to go slowly, gauge reactions, build or stop as
indicated.

[tssoepxxx]

Ideally, I would like to have a long term friend; a bromance if you will. I see many ads out there that highlight that they are married or have girlfriends and they need to be discrete, but these are ads. I think my question is really, how do you bring up this kind of conversation with a face-to-face friend or acquaintance? What are some of the signs you pick up on that say, "he might be interested?"

[void()]

Well shit. I guess if he just generally hangs out with you might be a sign.
If you find yourself at a party where he is as well, and he's constantly refreshing
your drink.

Fucking flirting, plain and simple. Um, erm not sure how else to explain that. Then again
I can understand missing "cues". I'm dense as a damn rock at times.

[steve10557]

Empathy is an highly underused tool sometimes, of course we have to be in the mood to use it. My 'gaydar' is quite acute, but 'bi-dar' is a horse of a different colour isn't it, I guess flirting is the key though.

[cuttin2dachase]

I am super closeted and just not the type to cruise bars, bath houses, parks, adult book stores/theaters etc., much less scope out and/or approach other men in public. I really enjoy mm (b)romance, making out, touching, body contact and oral sex, but for me it is more a sexual variation or kinky hobby than it is a lifestyle or orientation. I'm the type who needs to know a man is bi or curious before I meet him. I am interested in fwb, no strings semi-regular meetings, ideally a rotation with 2 or 3 bi married men who have the same itch to scratch as I do. The internet route is the only option for me although it takes time, patience, weeding out and vetting to meet suitable partners. I only occasionally place ads, but I reach out and respond to all local ads which seem to display the same desires and interests as mine. Although I haven't yet found my "rotation", I do semi-regularly get lucky with one-time meetings to temporarily satisfy my desires (and his !).

[bikurinpa]

I am super closeted and just not the type to cruise bars, bath houses, parks, adult book stores/theaters etc., much less scope out and/or approach other men in public. I really enjoy mm (b)romance, making out, touching, body contact and oral sex, but for me it is more a sexual variation or kinky hobby than it is a lifestyle or orientation. I'm the type who needs to know a man is bi or curious before I meet him. I am interested in fwb, no strings semi-regular meetings, ideally a rotation with 2 or 3 bi married men who have the same itch to scratch as I do. The internet route is the only option for me although it takes time, patience, weeding out and vetting to meet suitable partners. I only occasionally place ads, but I reach out and respond to all local ads which seem to display the same desires and interests as mine. Although I haven't yet found my "rotation", I do semi-regularly get lucky with one-time meetings to temporarily satisfy my desires (and his !).

Cruising book stores or parks is way too risky, you could get anything from a good case of STD's or even yet busted by under cover cops. I would never try those places for guys there know they are never going to see u again and if they had something, they are not going to tell u! too risky!! I been trying find a regular who wants FWB's but this area here , all the man websites are 99.9% game players and CL has also been poor. Lots of the guys posting are wanting just a quick sex or blo n goes. When I posted for FWB's I get numerous replies, but again 90% would email few times claiming to be serious then go blank and the ones who did seem good and serious were 75 miles away. I am guessing my best would be just by pure dumb luck someone who I be around all time would drop a clue or by luck a conversation go in that direction, but I am sure that is rare too. To the original poster of this thread, you said finding someone was like looking for a needle in a hay stack, you are looking for a needle in the hay field and not the hay stack!!

[Coastocoast]

Always the difficult thing to be sure you are reading right. Many of us have wondered the same and it is very difficult to know when to take that risk and let them know you are interested.

[fredtyg]

I am guessing my best would be just by pure dumb luck someone who I be around all time would drop a clue or by luck a conversation go in that direction, but I am sure that is rare too.

I've always said that since it's so tough finding someone through the usual venues of internet and such, it's best to first look around at people you know. Sure, that can be a longshot, too, and downright nerve wracking, but it has the potential of the best outcome...if it works. As you suggest, the guy would be someone you already know so it wouldn't raise eyebrows being seen together.

I still feel the safest way to do it is to let the guy you're interested know you're bisexual. Not as a come on where he'll feel pressured or even scared. Just let it be known in a casual manner of your bisexuality and let him take the next step.

Oh, and lest I forget, as far as telling if someone else is bi, I've pretty much become convinced that those who talk about homosexuality a lot- even if it's in a disparaging way- are probably at least bisexual themselves. Only a few of my own life experiences back that up, but I think it's true.

It could be the guy is freaked out about his own homosexual desires or experiences. In that case he may not bite on any hints you drop about it, but you never know.

Say, for instance (and I had a situation similar to this), the guy is at your house. The two of you are alone. The guy goes off on one of his queer bashing diatribes. You could reply with, "So I guess you'd be pissed at me if I told you I've sucked cock before?". See what he says to that.

If he backs down from his homo rant and asks for more info, you could say you did one or two guys years ago, enjoyed it and might not mind doing it again. Don't give him the impression you're making a move on him as you might freak him out. Just let him think about it.

Sure, he could always react negatively, but if he's a friend he likely won't. When I ended up outing myself to a part- time homo basher, he ended up admitting he'd "fagged off" before, too, and things got pretty nice after that.

[Realist]

Fredtyg, that's similar to the ways I've developed rapport and sometimes found male FWBs, or lovers. It's worked with a few novices, some with prior experiences, and two married couples, as well.

Not one to cruise bars, glory holes, rest stops, or ever have one-night stands, you'd think my chances for male companionship was sorely limited.....which is true. Being mostly interested in closed-loop relationships, I'm probably further hampered my opportunities by not being so willing to be involved in anonymous sex. In reality, it seems that most of my same gender encounters just popped out of he blue.

When I suspected a person's interest, or learned of previous experiences, subtle probing would often reveal the degree of their interest, or lack of it. If I felt attracted to them, (and figured there was an opportunity to develop a relationship) I would try to do it in the most polite and tactful way.....taking care not to misconstrue their replies. This can be a critical time to make, or break a bond.

Of course, if I found I was mistaking their intentions, or interests, I'd drop the subject and never bring it up again.

That technique has resulted in approximately 16 relationships, since I was 14. Most have been bisexual, but I've had 3 gay lovers as well. One FWB relationship lasted a little over 10 years, a romantic one with a gay fellow lasted 7 years, and the rest were from 5 years...... down to a few months. Most have been memorable and rewarding. Only one turned out badly, so I've been remarkably lucky.

[tssoepxxx]

There is much to think about here. Many of you discuss things that I think about: not being the type to cruise bars and parks, trying to be patient with online formats, and looking for a needle in "hay field." I do have a couple of gym friends (acquaintances really) that I would like to approach, but as one of the posters stated, "it's nerve racking." I would definitely like to have some clue that they may think the same way in some small manner. What is funny, when it comes to flirting or talking with females, I have only one problem; I tend to get into dialog with too many at the same time. Men however, well I'm a man, and conversations are short and brief and generally centered on work, gym, and kids. What we need here is a females perspective: one who picks up on men!

Any ladies out there with advice?

[fredtyg]

Except there's not any real stigma from guys going after girls, or the other way around. It's generally accepted guys are interested in girls. I understand where you're coming from, though.

[Bishy37]

Fredytg and realist suggest a good strategy but they are still very risky. Your still potentially outing yourself and it's hard to unring a bell. It seems you've had success but I'm still too chicken. Something risky is easy, it's the bi-respectful closed loop that is the prize. But....what if you find it and your not compatible???? I can't worry about that now, gotta stay focused on the positive and will cross that later

[jem_is_bi]

What worked for me was to join a pay site where I paid to meet others who paid to meet me. So, we had at least that in common. Then, you sort though the possibilities and they sort though the possibilities and eventually you get what you need and with a little luck even more. That way you know what you need to know without the games.

[bikurinpa]

What worked for me was to join a pay site where I paid to meet others who paid to meet me. So, we had at least that in common. Then, you sort though the possibilities and they sort though the possibilities and eventually you get what you need and with a little luck even more. That way you know what you need to know without the games.

I had joined Adultfriendfinder, got paid membership, I had found many abandoned profiles and 90% of the guys that were on it were the same game players that was on all the regular m4m sites. Maybe u must be referring to a site that is better then the AFF!

[fredtyg]

Fredytg and realist suggest a good strategy but they are still very risky. Your still potentially outing yourself and it's hard to unring a bell.

No matter what strategy you use, eventually you're going to have to out yourself. At some point it's inevitable. That's really the whole purpose of what you're doing in the first place, when you think about it. How are you going to know your target is approachable for m2m if you don't let him know you are at some point?

[zigzig]

It can take a time to recognize flirting from your own gender. When I was younger I could't understand if a girl was flirting with me. Later I picked up when a woman was looking with me with sexual interest.

I agree that it can be hard to find other bisexuals in normal bars, through friends. Some internet sites can help, but must be picky.

[NjbiGuy01]

There are gay and bi friendly bars in many areas of the country. I never went although thepted (being fully closeted and knowing bi and gay people who go there, I'm not sure if thats good or bad). It sure is tempting....

[fredtyg]

We have a gay "friendly" bar in my town. I went there once during the afternoon. I was at the bar and the guy next to me started up some small talk, but I was stuck at square one: Was this guy gay or bi? How would I broach the subject? I ended up just chatting with him for a few minutes and leaving.

What is nice if there is a place where pretty much all the queer folk hang out like a bath house. Different subject, I suppose, but back in the early 80s we had a steam bath place in town which was a well known hangout for queers. There was no need to worry about asking anything since 99% of the guys there were queer and looking for other guys. It shut down after AIDS made the headlines.

The downside to places that are known as gay hangouts is many folks, myself included, were scared to be seen going into such places. I'm fairly open and pretty comfortable with my homosexuality now, but I'd still be a little uncomfortable going to some place like that lest people I'd rather not know I'm queer see me there..

[magari]

I had kept my bisexual curiosity to myself for decades, satisfied with wife and kids and career. Opportunities never presented themselves (or I was too numb to them!), and as the internet developed, I discovered more and more about the gay and bi world. My wife's interest in sex waned, and I seemed to become hornier and hornier. It was only with a very good friend that the conversation veered into much more personal sexual habits, sharing more and more about porn and masturbation histories. We shared more and more, until eventually we confessed our desire to experiment with each other...Nerve wracking, it WAS, and we were so worried about ruining our friendship. On the other hand, it strengthened and deepened our bond, being able to share our fantasies and orgasms...

Since then, I've chatted with other guys, both gay and "str8" on websites and have always met face to face to suss each other out. I often find myself wondering, in a crowd of people, which guys would be up for a m2m romp!

[CurEUs_Male]

Interesting thread. I have been searching for a social outlet for my bi interests. I am very unaware of any interests from others. I was in the gym one morning and another guy came over and started chatting just as I finished dressing to leave. We chatted a little about the cold weather, and how he was looking to retire to warmer climates... When I got to work later it dawned on me that maybe he was looking to get to know me a little better. Did I miss a chance for someone special? was it someone that was open to more than friendship, or just a guy being friendly looking to simply know someone at the gym?

A tough spot. I have met a few guys, mostly from online resources that focus on men meeting men. I am upfront in my profile that I am open to my wife, and will have no secrets from her if/when I find a guy that 'feels right'. I expect the same from other guys, willing to meet and befriend other bi guys, but not play unless they too are open to their wives. I get some interesting input from the other guys. Gays usually don't have anything to say to me. There are a number that still respond looking for hookups, but what can you do... I get posts from other married guys telling me how great I am to be so open and honest... but typically they are not being honest with their wives.

I think the uneasy feelings we have when trying to break the conversation threshold is the 'slut shaming' that goes along with anything outside the societal normal we have been forced to live with for years. While looking at the meeting sites, it would seem far too common for men to look for other men, yet once we put the internet away and try it face to face, the silent B seems to rear it's ugly head and no one can talk about this!

Evidently there is such a thing as a bi friendly bar? In NJ anyway... I have not found anything more than a few gay bars in MD and it has felt awkward being in the two I have tried. There is no way to figure out bi from gay, from someone just there after a drag show having a drink (evidently this is popular among straight couples, but not my wife). I would LOVE to find a bi-friendly bar. A bi focused social group.

I have tried getting several local bi guys together for happy hour, but that seems to be a bust. Some of them say they want to, but 3 months running and so far no one shows :( Makes me want to scream some times. If guys (and gals) can just start being honest with themselves and others, then get out there and at least socialize the concept if being bi as normal. Every time you meet another bi doesn't mean it has to be about sex, and it shouldn't mean it's just a hookup.

[Bishy37]

No matter what strategy you use, eventually you're going to have to out yourself. At some point it's inevitable. That's really the whole purpose of what you're doing in the first place, when you think about it. How are you going to know your target is approachable for m2m if you don't let him know you are at some point?
Your right Freddy. Outing myself in the moment or face to face is something I've been able to do. It's having it not spread beyond that that scares me to death. I know who I am but not ready for the world to know.

[JackTexas94]

I went to a bath house hundreds of miles away from home and in the middle of the day on the weekend. I felt safe and secure, was with a crowd more my age, plus there was no doubt what they were there for. I would guess too that 90% of them were just like me...married and on the down low. Other than that I understand the struggle, it really is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

[fredtyg]

BiShy wrote, " I know who I am but not ready for the world to know."

I know, but that's a chance you're probably going to have to take if you want to meet a guy. I don't see any other way around it short of taking extraordinary measures such as JackTexas did.