A touch of Eros

[void()]

Thought I would invite some constructive critique. Enjoy.

-------

The Lovers
by void()
Sat 11 Jan 2014 09:47:39 EST

Her long brunette hair washed over alabaster shoulders. The smile on
her face rivaled Cassiopeia's. Slender arms with tiny hands lifted her
silken teddy over hips coming down to slowly mount him.

He gasps as in her unveiling a cock between her legs is revealed. A tiny
hand grasps his own cock, gently sliding it into her tight anus. With
determination she begins to rock and sway.

Big ham hock size hands grasp her hips in their cupping. He pulls her
down hard into himself. Then, he raises her slowly, ensuring she feels
all of him.

She moans as his gesture sends hot and cold flashes of electricity
careening through her. "Oh yes! I haven't been around enough", she says.
His left hand raises from her hip to embrace her lower spine.

He gradually begins thrusting hard and fast into her. She feels him
trembling a bit, relaxing and letting it pass, then he returns to
fucking her in earnest. His left hand strokes her back as she arches
into him.

With deliberation he rocks her to the right and unto her face. His cock
vested firmly in her now sopping wet ass. She cries out as he slides
back and out of her a moment.

"Want you to cum, bitch, need to get the right spot" he says. His cock
enters her again, now hitting the right spot. He leans up over her as
she begins to quiver in his arms.

She feels herself near ecstasy as he rocks slow into and back out of
her. Thrusts are deep and with purpose, he has always loved her, always
known how to bring her joy. She rocks back to him, meeting his thrusts
and timing.

He feels her tightening around him and drives a bit faster. It keeps her
from milking him when he is not ready. She moans as he reaches up and
puts a big hand over her mouth.

She suckles one of his fingers. Feeling him slow again she relaxes
letting the orgasm come along a bit quicker. His response, his response
is a deep growl and hard thrust into her. His body in spasms.

They collapse into the bed in and on one another. Both exhausted and
spent. Later he will give her a heavenly blow job, for the moment she
enjoys the after glow in his arms.

Entwined they gradually drift into sleep's lulling embrace.

-----

[semibi]

If you added a few words or commas here or there, it'd be easier to read. But, I guess you're talking about the trans nature of the one character? Meh. Not my thing. But, the story is well put together. I'd be curious to see what happens next.

[CurEUs_Male]

Funny Semi is wondering what happens next, I was looking for a prequel! What has happened, how did they get to this point... and yeah, what happens after too!

[void()]

If you added a few words or commas here or there, it'd be easier to read. But, I guess you're talking about the trans nature of the one character? Meh. Not my thing. But, the story is well put together. I'd be curious to see what happens next.

Thank you. I was looking for critique over all. May do other stories without trans nature being involved.
At present, was trying my hand at the genre. Will need to find an editor maybe. :) Whilst I think grammar
a strength, others disagree enough to see merit in an editor. Wife always bickers with me about commas.
Her complaint is I use too many. *chuckles*

Give me a bit and we may see a little more of these two. No promises though. Just something
I took up for giggles and too remind myself I write. Lost the habit a while back. Could not find
a "heart" to the work. Erotica might offer that.

[semibi]

Void,

I think you write well. Let me put it this way, in case I was not clear... The trans topic doesn't appeal to me. But, because your story was well written, it brought the characters and the scene to life in a way that allowed me to see the sexiness of the moment. Enough that I wanted to read more. (Yes, I am aware that's a fragment, and I use them purposefully at times. Run ons too. :-)) My interest in the vignette was more about the story, the action and the moment created, which, when combined, suggested to me that these characters are worth caring about, despite the fact that the trans component doesn't turn me on in itself. You took a topic that is more likely to turn me off and made it interesting enough that I want to read more. I'd say that's compelling writing.

That said, I seem to stumble over your phrases at times. I have not analyzed this much, as I have only recently noticed your posts. But, I think I am occasionally not sure what you mean, and when I double back, it seems that perhaps a word was left out or added, or perhaps a comma seems lacking. Grammatical perfection is not so much the point as is the flow and the reader's ease of interpretation. I think we can all use editors, as it's easy to miss the details as the writer, when you know what you mean. You see the phrasing and punctuation as correct in your mind, even when the nuances might not be as clear to a reader. To be clear, though, my appreciation for your writing is growing. If you wrote more, I'd read it.

How's that?

[tenni]

Remember that you asked.

Briefly, I would suggest going over your word choice again. Some are excellent and descriptive while others may be weaker. Referencing to Casiopeia may be significant for you but a very narrow market of other English readers to identify with.


I found the term “big ham hock size hands” intriguing and helped me visualize the hands. The words are not a common term in my part of the world but catches my attention.


“Slender arms with tiny hands lifted her silken teddy over hips coming down to slowly mount him.”


may read better as
“Her slender arms and petit hands lifted her silken teddy as her hips gracefully and yet gently mounted him”.


The third to last paragraph may need some revision. Why repeat “his response”?


The last line is lovely.

I had no problem seeing this as a piece of writing on its own. Some writers may write a preface though.

All of us who write need editors or several editors. My weaknesses seem to be to overuse certain words(try to have a word used only once on a page) and fliting about with language metaphors, alliterations etc. only to be told to write simpler…sigh.

[void()]

Void,

I think you write well. Let me put it this way, in case I was not clear... The trans topic doesn't appeal to me. But, because your story was well written, it brought the characters and the scene to life in a way that allowed me to see the sexiness of the moment. Enough that I wanted to read more. (Yes, I am aware that's a fragment, and I use them purposefully at times. Run ons too. :-)) My interest in the vignette was more about the story, the action and the moment created, which, when combined, suggested to me that these characters are worth caring about, despite the fact that the trans component doesn't turn me on in itself. You took a topic that is more likely to turn me off and made it interesting enough that I want to read more. I'd say that's compelling writing.

That said, I seem to stumble over your phrases at times. I have not analyzed this much, as I have only recently noticed your posts. But, I think I am occasionally not sure what you mean, and when I double back, it seems that perhaps a word was left out or added, or perhaps a comma seems lacking. Grammatical perfection is not so much the point as is the flow and the reader's ease of interpretation. I think we can all use editors, as it's easy to miss the details as the writer, when you know what you mean. You see the phrasing and punctuation as correct in your mind, even when the nuances might not be as clear to a reader. To be clear, though, my appreciation for your writing is growing. If you wrote more, I'd read it.

How's that?

Ah, okay. I'm glad the piece was able to create enjoyment out of something not your usual keen. :)
Yes, at times I miss words. Sometimes it may be intentional in that I'm trying to tighten prose. Other
times I can understand it creates difficulty for readers and is unintentional.

Imagine a poet attempting a 90,000 word novel. Poets use sparse words, fewer better. Novelists
and even short story folk waste words.

[void()]

Remember that you asked.

Briefly, I would suggest going over your word choice again. Some are excellent and descriptive while others may be weaker. Referencing to Casiopeia may be significant for you but a very narrow market of other English readers to identify with.


[ And maybe, in some ways as I'm picky about lovers, I'm picky about readers. ;) But yes, you have a valid point.
If one limits themselves overly as such, results are akin to painting themselves into a corner. ]

I found the term “big ham hock size hands� intriguing and helped me visualize the hands. The words are not a common term in my part of the world but catches my attention.

[ Good, I had hoped that would carry a powerful visual. ]


“Slender arms with tiny hands lifted her silken teddy over hips coming down to slowly mount him.�


may read better as
“Her slender arms and petit hands lifted her silken teddy as her hips gracefully and yet gently mounted him�.


[ I hear, read the word petite and images of petticoats and then prams, staunch nannies whiz by. That might be nice imagery for some but not me. *chuckles still recalling learning once that English nannies do indeed paddle* ]

The third to last paragraph may need some revision. Why repeat “his response�?

[ Her motion, even thought was paused at that moment. She was waiting on his response, his response. And his
response was no response because he was vaulted into orgasm along with her. I was hoping to hm, rotunda or have it read as a "hanging pause". There's a form of poetry in which repetition achieves this, it apparently does not work in other forms, at least well enough to be comprehended. *scratches noggin, shrugs* "Es okay, es alright ... we'll get it better next time, yeah, next time .." *

The last line is lovely.

[ Merci. Je suis heureux que vous pensiez ainsi. Cherché Ã* mettre fin Ã* leur session Ã* une douceur qui porte en avant. Besides this, it just seemed to flow to that naturally. :) And No I have not suddenly learned French. I used a translate from Google. ]

I had no problem seeing this as a piece of writing on its own. Some writers may write a preface though.

All of us who write need editors or several editors. My weaknesses seem to be to overuse certain words(try to have a word used only once on a page) and fliting about with language metaphors, alliterations etc. only to be told to write simpler…sigh.

.....

[void()]

And yes tenni, thank you. I did ask. :)

[elian]

So I was busy at all sorts of strange hours rebuilding the hardware in my PC, I finally switch this thing on and what do I see - you're on here hamming it up ..

(grins)

Not bad, it's a little literal..ham slammin' even..

Ok since the title is about "Eros" this is from one of the most erotic dreams I've ever had (no sex even):

The party was roaring. Everyone seemed to be having a good time but with each gaze that fell on him Elian could feel the thin veneer of the smiles and the true expection and intention of the bearer underneath - the room was starting to feel claustrophobic.

"I need a break from all of these people..", he kept his smile up as he began to search for an exit.

It was just a few more steps to the hallway and glancing through the door frame to the other side his gaze settled on a library across the hall. He quickly crossed the threshold, stepped through the hallway and into the adjacent room.

He paused to get his bearings, before him were dark walnut shelves and books from floor to ceiling - a wall of books in all shapes and sizes, some quite old and distinguished. More importantly it was quiet, the former roar of the party was now a dull rumble of background noise.

Elian was disoriented, normally he felt confident but he couldn't quite put his finger on the energy in this room and it made him uneasy.

His eyes wandered over the books, as he began to focus on the titles he suddenly sensed that he was not alone. Before he could say or do anything the stranger reached out and wrapped his arms around Elian's nervous body from behind; pulling the two of them so close he could feel the heat between them.

Elian found himself wrapped in a blanket of strong male energy so calm and loving it was like the reflection of a clear, calm lake on a sunny day. His anxiety melted instantly. This was something he had been waiting for all his life. For a single moment in time, anxious met calm and the fire between the two was quenched..

He said nothing, neither of them spoke, for a single moment in time two souls were feeling the sweet, warm touch of adoration - connected beyond any Earthly bounds.

He wished this moment could go on forever but he heard a noise, people were coming down the hall. Suddenly he was overwhelmed with a sense of shame and embarrasment.. What would they think if they saw him? If they saw two men like this, in love? The others were almost here, he didn't want to leave.. He hated the anguish of what was to come next. Sadly he pushed the other away and quite frankly, has regretted that decision ever since.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEEPHG9tkN8

I know it's probably not perfect, and not really what you asked but what can I say, "touch" and "eros" are two of my favorite things - I found the thought of contributing irresistable.

[void()]

The Lovers II
by void()
Sat 11 Jan 2014 22:42:27 EST

"Clitter clatter thump, whir clitter clatter ..." The noise droned on.
His right hand grasped the nine milimeter semi-automatic under the
mattress. His eyes struggled against the dawn's light.

Her smile barely gleened over the typewriter. "I'm sorry honey. Forgot
you might come up so rough." Typing stopped. She left the room and
returned with a tray.

He slid the gun back away under in its concealement. Tea and muffins
were on the tray she put into his lap. Sitting at his feet she blushed
feeling his gaze.

"Please stop. Is it not enough you had me last night?" He looked back to
the tray. In her guts something felt wrong.

"You know I can't stay", he said. "We both are too much alike and too
different." His spoon stirred a lump of sugar into the tea.

Tears in rivulettes flowed down her face, icy cold on blushing marble.
"We keep going back to war. Baby, can we ever quit?" The question hit
him with the fist his words delievered to her.

He stood now, tray placed aside on the bed. His broad frame deep olive
skinned, lumbered toward the bathroom. "Wish I could say we could,
sweetie."

He was out of the bathroom and slipping on his clothes. "You need to
stay until ten", she said. "Mom is coming over. I want ...", her voice
froze.

He was already outside when a storm erupted from his eyes. Jessie was
a damn good lay, hot little ass, legs that didn't quit. That was his
reason to avoid being involved. So, he lied to himself.

[void()]

So I was busy at all sorts of strange hours rebuilding the hardware in my PC, I finally switch this thing on and what do I see - you're on here hamming it up ..

(grins)

Not bad, it's a little literal..ham slammin' even..

Ok since the title is about "Eros" this is from one of the most erotic dreams I've ever had (no sex even):

The party was roaring. Everyone seemed to be having a good time but with each gaze that fell on him Elian could feel the thin veneer of the smiles and the true expection and intention of the bearer underneath - the room was starting to feel claustrophobic.

"I need a break from all of these people..", he kept his smile up as he began to search for an exit.

It was just a few more steps to the hallway and glancing through the door frame to the other side his gaze settled on a library across the hall. He quickly crossed the threshold, stepped through the hallway and into the adjacent room.

He paused to get his bearings, before him were dark walnut shelves and books from floor to ceiling - a wall of books in all shapes and sizes, some quite old and distinguished. More importantly it was quiet, the former roar of the party was now a dull rumble of background noise.

Elian was feeling disoriented, normally he was confident, but he couldn't quite put his finger on the energy in this room and it made him uneasy.

His eyes wandered over the books, as he began to focus on the titles he suddenly sensed that he was not alone. Before he could say or do anything the stranger reached out and wrapped his arms around Elian's nervous body from behind; pulling the two of them so close he could feel the heat between them.

Elian found himself wrapped in a blanket of strong male energy so calm and loving it was like the reflection of a clear, calm lake on a sunny day. His anxiety melted instantly. This was something he had been waiting for all his life. For a single moment in time, anxious met calm and the fire between the two was quenched..

He said nothing, neither of them spoke, for a single moment in time two souls were feeling the sweet, warm touch of adoration - connected beyond any Earthly bounds.

He wished this moment could go on forever but he heard a noise, people were coming down the hall. Suddenly he was overwhelmed with a sense of shame and embarrasment.. What would they think if they saw him? If they saw two men like this, in love? The others were almost here, he didn't want to leave.. He hated the anguish of what was to come next. Sadly he pushed the other away and quite frankly, has regretted that decision ever since.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEEPHG9tkN8

I know it's probably not perfect, and not really what you asked but what can I say, "touch" and "eros" are two of my favorite things - I found the thought of contributing irresistable.

Very nice, honey.

[elian]

I liked this one better because there is less porno groove and more character development..


The Lovers II
by void()
Sat 11 Jan 2014 22:42:27 EST

[void()]

I liked this one better because there is less porno groove and more character development..


That's part of story telling, building of a story. I enjoy doing both.
Or, I did at one point. Not always porn and character development. I
wrote action and character development earlier.

I am still having trouble "finding my way" enough to return to writing
in earnest. In some aspects I promote outlining. Yet here I go and write
without any outlining, planning, doing what is called "seat of the
pants" writing.

I used the "Bitch, W" system for a while. Butt In The Chair Honey, Write
or rather the "Bitch" system Butt In The Chair Hammer keys. I hunt and
peck instead of typing properly, at one point used to do ~70wpm. Lucky
now to see ~15-30wpm at best.

Feel better a little at a time mentally, emotionally. Still on a
journey. Apparently not ready to go back to hammering keys yet. Will get
there. Need to find the heart for it.

You love helping people, pushing buttons. Something in you clicks to
that. It's the same in writing, it clicks or it doesn't and it's not for
me at present. The "exercise" here shows me I can write erotica well
enough. Not sure erotica is what I seek to continue writing, not sure
but what I don't crave to write it.

*chuckles* I'm too fickle at times.

[elian]

I find that writing can be theraputic because it gives you a chance to lay out your thoughts, share them with others and reading them back you may discover something you hadn't thought of before. I used to keep a journal when I was growing up, I doubt I'd want anyone to read what was in there now but at the time it was a creative outlet for some bad feelings in my life I did not quite know what to do with.

These days it seems the fashionable thing to do is to pick up a gun and start shooting up the place instead but I would much rather that people release their energy writing, painting, doing mechanical things, strumming a guitar, banging the shnit out of the drums.. Someitmes I wish people would realize there are a lot of better ways to deal with an overabundance of energy and emotion than to destroy yourself or others.

I once tried playing with wood. I found the experience very satisfying but it's a lot more work than it looks. I spent a lot of money and brought home some stripper from home depot, then proceeded to get to work in the garage. Stuff sprayed everywhere, I'm glad I was wearing protection but then I had this weird gunk all over the floor.

So I came back the next day and the wood was all sorts of weird colors, it turns out I let it sit too long and you know once that stain is set in it's nearly impossible to get out. You don't know how much rubbing I had to do to get it off..you have to hit every spot just right or it doesn't work.

After about an hour or two of rubbing the stuff finally came off and I was satisfied. I'm not even going to mention the sawing, and the painting, and I nearly wore my wrists out screwing... Eventually I did build some pretty nice solid planter boxes though.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Good stuff Void-Honey. I think you need to bring some of this to the campfire and read it for us later.

And I do agree that a little punctuation here and there would be beneficial. I have this same prob with my students. You just put the story down as You see it, and let the weight of the story be its own merit..:} Go into the erotic writing group here and check out their prose, and go from there. I know I'm horrible at punctuation at time, but I like to employ as much visual detail to a story as I can, so that people can "see" it clearly in their minds as they read it. Keep up the good work Darlin. You can come read your erotics to me anytime!
Pecks,
Cat

[dafydd]

“Slender arms with tiny hands lifted her silken teddy over hips coming down to slowly mount him.�


may read better as
“Her slender arms and petit hands lifted her silken teddy as her hips gracefully and yet gently mounted him�.



I preferred void's original line. This is poetry not prose after all. Right void? You'd call ur piece poetry? I would.

[elian]

If you wore your wrists out screwing, you may be doing it wrong. Put a screw bit in your drill. Oh and good for you for bringing home a stripper from Home Depot. The best I ever did was to get a blowjob at Macy's once.

(smiles) - that WAS with a drill - you've underestimted just how much screwing I had to do.. I was using deck screws and some pretty heavy duty 2 inch thick pressure treated wood...the things weighed at least 50 lbs BEFORE I put the rocks and soil in the bottom and I made 7 of them - enough to make a perimeter of boxes around the front porch. Lucky for me I thought to include wheels also. Actually they look more like "Jersey Barriers" than planters - I didn't want people walking around the porch to trip over them and most of the commerical ones in my price range are all low to the ground.. As a side benefit, no rabbits can get into my carrots when the only opening is 5 feet off the ground..

..for the record, that "environmentally friendly" orange stripper really didn't work out that well, it works, but if you wait too long everything gets super sticky and it takes just as much effort to remove the stripper as it would just to use the real thing in the first place.

Anyway, I digress..let's have some more erotic writing.. :)

[dafydd]

as written

[Gearbox]

Anyway, I digress..let's have some more erotic writing.. :)
You are pretty pornographic lately tho Elian. Do you think you may be in need of some 'tender love and care' at the moment?;)

[goober]

I am very into porno literature. So I liked it a a lot.

[jem_is_bi]

I preferred void's original line. This is poetry not prose after all. Right void? You'd call ur piece poetry? I would.
Cool!!! We can all get in act of correcting it. How about "Slender arms, small hands, silken teddy, descending hips, slowly, passionately, she mounted him" Is that not really great? I bet he will love the final result.

[Long Duck Dong]

I have read and reread the the lovers a few times.....and I wanna share what I see in my minds eye, void

a petite lady about 5.2-5.3 with the light build of maybe a asian person with a heavy set male....

shes light fem, secure in her gender and sexuality and has that attractive look and smile that causes men to be drawn to her but she is also discerning in the type of man that she likes and that makes her feel like the only woman on earth when they make love.....

a sheer teddy that is revealing in the way it covers her body but secretive in that it doesn't reveal all of her and adds a alluring and desirable enhancing effect to her already desirable nature and looks.....

she has a cock, she may be intersex or trans, it doesn't matter in the moment, she is gorgeous and he desires her and the way she makes him feel.....

her eyes are closed as she begins to take him inside her, back arched, breasts proud, mouth opening slightly as her head tilts back, the feel of his cock, the heat of his cock, the way her body fights his cock then embraces it inside her as her anus hugs him inside her, holding him tight like a lover desired so much.....

his large hands cover her hips and pull her down to meet his cock as he thrusts inside her, that brief moment when they are fully together then moving apart, neither is really in control and neither is really submitting to the other, its a dance of the lovers.....

there the urge to own her, possess her, feel the animal in her rise up as he feels the animal rise in him.... he wants to capture her desire and passion and make it his own because that is the moment that its all about.... he doesn't want to break or tame her, he enjoys the passion of her responding to him while she doesn't yield and give into him....

she knows that they dance time after time amongst the stars in the heavens but they walk amongst the mortals on earth..... but for now, its all about the passion, the heat, the emotion and the love for each other.......

he embraces her for her and sucking her cock is a private pleasure for him but also pleasure for her, a way of intimately saying I care about you, I want to express how desirable you are and how much I desire you and he expresses that with his mouth and her cock as he teases her, tastes her and caresses her with his lips, tongue and mouth....

she knows that when they go out the door, that they will just be two people with labels and roles to live up to and be.... in this room tho, they are lovers, very passionate lovers.....


so void, I am curious, mate..... who is they ? ... I do not see two people, I feel people that you intimately love and care about and you are so passionate about them ( more than just sexual passion...) and the story reads to me like you see so much more to the story than you express in the words.... you capture all the aspects of the people you have cared about and loved and pull them into the inner most void and immortalise them in your own words about how intensely you feel about them......

thanks for a very pleasurable read..... and do I have any suggestions ? just one..... I would love to read more stories, I love stories that I can * see * rather than just read

[void()]

I have read and reread the the lovers a few times.....and I wanna share what I see in my minds eye, void

a petite lady about 5.2-5.3 with the light build of maybe a asian person with a heavy set male....

shes light fem, secure in her gender and sexuality and has that attractive look and smile that causes men to be drawn to her but she is also discerning in the type of man that she likes and that makes her feel like the only woman on earth when they make love.....

a sheer teddy that is revealing in the way it covers her body but secretive in that it doesn't reveal all of her and adds a alluring and desirable enhancing effect to her already desirable nature and looks.....

she has a cock, she may be intersex or trans, it doesn't matter in the moment, she is gorgeous and he desires her and the way she makes him feel.....

her eyes are closed as she begins to take him inside her, back arched, breasts proud, mouth opening slightly as her head tilts back, the feel of his cock, the heat of his cock, the way her body fights his cock then embraces it inside her as her anus hugs him inside her, holding him tight like a lover desired so much.....

his large hands cover her hips and pull her down to meet his cock as he thrusts inside her, that brief moment when they are fully together then moving apart, neither is really in control and neither is really submitting to the other, its a dance of the lovers.....

there the urge to own her, possess her, feel the animal in her rise up as he feels the animal rise in him.... he wants to capture her desire and passion and make it his own because that is the moment that its all about.... he doesn't want to break or tame her, he enjoys the passion of her responding to him while she doesn't yield and give into him....

she knows that they dance time after time amongst the stars in the heavens but they walk amongst the mortals on earth..... but for now, its all about the passion, the heat, the emotion and the love for each other.......

he embraces her for her and sucking her cock is a private pleasure for him but also pleasure for her, a way of intimately saying I care about you, I want to express how desirable you are and how much I desire you and he expresses that with his mouth and her cock as he teases her, tastes her and caresses her with his lips, tongue and mouth....

she knows that when they go out the door, that they will just be two people with labels and roles to live up to and be.... in this room tho, they are lovers, very passionate lovers.....


so void, I am curious, mate..... who is they ? ... I do not see two people, I feel people that you intimately love and care about and you are so passionate about them ( more than just sexual passion...) and the story reads to me like you see so much more to the story than you express in the words.... you capture all the aspects of the people you have cared about and loved and pull them into the inner most void and immortalise them in your own words about how intensely you feel about them......

thanks for a very pleasurable read..... and do I have any suggestions ? just one..... I would love to read more stories, I love stories that I can * see * rather than just read



*blushing* Who are they, you ask. Well they are fictional characters.
Yes, I have drawn from lovemaking experience. No I have not experienced
a butterfly person yet.

I would love to do that, I believe. That is not really relevant to the
story though. What I draw upon in the story is a profound love seen in a
couple whom for a short while shared me.

This sharing first started when the girlfriend asked me to give her
boyfriend a blow job for his birthday. Little did I know she would be
joining us, mounting me while I got him off. From there it evolved to
him mounting me while she returned my blow job.

After this some discussion was had. I asked how they had figured out my
preferences. We had been co-workers for about six months and I had kept
highly professional, nothing given away.

He admitted to having suspected. He also did not want to broach the
subject too crudely. She told him to leave it to her.

Once we had "hooked up" that first time, another eighten months passed
with the three of us bound. He let me have her at times, she gave me him
at times, and at times they both rocked my world. And yes there times
none of us felt like doing a thing.

As far as using a transgender character in the story, it was a matter of
opening a vein and letting the words blot the electrons. It was there
waiting to be chiseled out, probably always there. I merely let the
indulgence, indulge. :)

Am glad you could see the lovers. I do write sparsely. Your version here
was seductively descriptive. For me though, it is difficult to write as
such. I try to do more with less.

And daffy, you can call it poetry if you like. :) I write poetry, yes but
this is different from poetry for me. Or is it? ;)

[void()]

The Lovers III
by void
Mon 13 Jan 2014 09:40:28 EST

Inside Jessie wept for eternity, or the ten minutes that passed for it.
The phone had began ringing. This halted a stream of tears and torrent
of spastic heaving.

"Frankie? Oh, sorry hello ...", she answered. It was her mother checking
up about the medical schedule. Jessie sank onto a bar stool, twisting
her hair in her fingers. The conversation wrapped up quickly.

Frankie meanwhile had made it to a warehouse. Inside he helped quite a
few scruffy and tough looking guys unload a truck load of goods deemed
hot to touch. A police man in uniform stood to one end with a clipboard,
he checked off the inventory.

This was the best Frankie could do. It was a project set up by the local
police men. They acting as peace officers had devised an idea to curve
rampant theft.

The idea was simple enough. The peace officers would take away any
profit thieves gained. This was done in "jacking" loads of goods and
bringing them here. At this warehouse they held auctions, selling off
the stolen goods all fairly, then donating the money to public works
projects for the community.

The boys as the peace officers dubbed them would get a ten percent pay
fund. That is all the boys shared in a ten percent stake, each getting
dreary pay. The boys though liked this idea enough to work at it.

Aside from this, the peace officers helped the boys in legal matters.
They acted as parole officers, guidance counselors and so on for these
rag tag guys. Frankie was working down a three month sentence in lieu of
actually being jailed for having too much pot on hand.

Jessie knew Frankie had dealt in drugs once. He had stopped for her. She
had a way of making men do as she desired. A smile crossed her face as
the doorbell rang.

She had been busy writing again. Ink smudged her fingertips. Answering
the door revealed a young Chinese man with a delivery bag.

"Can you step in a moment", Jessie asked. She hiked up a cotton skirt
she had put on, her legs were not feeling feminine at the moment. The
man nearly dropped the bag. "Oh goodness", Jessie cooed.

She looked toward the counter where the phone sat. "My purse is there,
if you would please get it and take what you need, honey." He sat the
food on the counter with a polite bow.

Jessie watched as he took a twenty dollar bill from a small roll of them
in her purse. "Go on, keep the change. You earned a tip", she said. The
man complied and then scrambled to the door to leave. Jessie chuckled
after he had gone.

The thoughts of fucking the guy pleased, Jessie. Though she knew that
she would have eaten him alive, more than figuratively. Besides Frankie
would be home soon and he would like his supper of bone soup.

[elian]

ROTFLMAO.. sorry Pennsylfanisher - I'm just imagining standing in the aisle of my local grocery store reading your romance novel..


You see? Now there's a good example Of the part I don't understand. How can you use a word like, "Anus" when your writing erotica? You're Lets say, trying to create a mental image by saying something like.......... Then I grabbed him by the ears and shouted, "I'm going to Skull Fuck you". As I Held his head firmly, I forced my cock as deep as it would go and shouted, "Take it! Take my cum you filthy Cocksucker" But you're trying to make it a Romance novel............" Oh do pardon me kind sir. Would you care to partake of my Penis Pudding? And he partook with great enthusiasm" It's the same story but far from the same emotion. Am I making my point here? Like you'll never see the word, "Peckersnot" (which you can't say without laughing) in a romance novel. Now I'm not criticizing. Just trying to gain a better perspective.

[Gearbox]

You could say, "He romantically skull fucked her." or 'He lovingly 9 inched her in the face.", or "She devotedly death rattled on his bell end.". Am sure Barbara Cartland has lots of ways like that to keep it romantic.

[jem_is_bi]

You could say, "He romantically skull fucked her." or 'He lovingly 9 inched her in the face.", or "She devotedly death rattled on his bell end.". Am sure Barbara Cartland has lots of ways like that to keep it romantic. Not so sure about the romance and loving part, otherwise , I love the images of that action.

[elian]

The Lovers III


I think that was decent writing..it illuminates the mundane world we live in well.

[void()]

You see? Now there's a good example Of the part I don't understand. How can you use a word like, "Anus" when your writing erotica? You're Lets say, trying to create a mental image by saying something like.......... Then I grabbed him by the ears and shouted, "I'm going to Skull Fuck you". As I Held his head firmly, I forced my cock as deep as it would go and shouted, "Take it! Take my cum you filthy Cocksucker" But you're trying to make it a Romance novel............" Oh do pardon me kind sir. Would you care to partake of my Penis Pudding? And he partook with great enthusiasm" It's the same story but far from the same emotion. Am I making my point here? Like you'll never see the word, "Peckersnot" (which you can't say without laughing) in a romance novel. Now I'm not criticizing. Just trying to gain a better perspective.

Understand your point. Mine in the story was to convey a sense of anatomical correctness.
Sure I may have said he slid it into her ass. That's all fine and well but still tends to provide
some room of weaseling, at least in my mind. He could be stroking his dick twixt her cheeks.
Having him enter her anus, to me implies he's sank her unto himself, impaling her.

Appreciate your feedback.

[void()]

You see I think its all about who your writing for. Your target audience. You look at those romance novels the chicks read. It's all about some Fabio with his long hair and her breasts heaving like a tempestuous sea and shit. But women don't have to cum right away. They can read that shit at work, get all moist then stop on the way home for some fresh double A's then ride their Rabbit. It's different for men. Men have real physical labor involved and require more effective inspiration. We've got to stroke that thing. We can't be distracted by a sore elbow or shoulder. We've got to stay focused. That hot little blonde in Accounting bending over at the file cabinet. You pull the zipper of her skirt down with your teeth revealing an ass so sweet that just looking at It gives you Diabetes... You pop your nut and go get some Cocoa Puffs.

Then you have some whom like a combination of masculine & feminine. They
even enjoy it in their entertainment, such as literate stories. It is
indeed a fine balance to stay on, writing for an audience as opposed to
writing for self. As I have expressed at least twice in this thread,
have written as an exercise.

Some are expressing I am doing it well enough. Others express the
opposite. To me this says I am at least doing something, opposing to
doing nothing. That may not mean much to you. And that is fine. It does
not need to mean anything to you. What I may suggest though is, if the
story really dissatisfies you, then please discontinue reading. I am
not offended or upset by your commentary. I did ask for constructive
critique, you are offering that, so far.

Not sure how much more of this story I may do. It might be one to flesh
out, or not. I am still not "feeling" the story. Granted, many other
writers may write to planned writing and be able to keep going in a
story no matter what. I am not one of those many writers. Rather feel
something to the point of having an orgasm over it, or feeling a need to
butcher characters out of disdain. This is not giving me either. And no,
not simply from criticism. The characters are simple cardboard pin ups
and not interacting in my mind.

Glad everyone has enjoyed the enjoyable so far. Sorry if it dissatisfied
the dissatisfied. I may try another few pages later, may post or not.
As I said, this was an exercise to gauge for self merits of erotica
writing. Guess like a cheap whore for me it seems too mechanical. *grins
wearily*

[elian]

Actually I am finding Pennsylfanisher's comments illuminating on their own regardless of the critique. It has a sort of brash way of getting the point across about the difference between the way men and women think erotic thoughts..there's probably more truth to it than not.

[dafydd]

Actually I am finding Pennsylfanisher's comments illuminating on their own regardless of the critique. It has a sort of brash way of getting the point across about the difference between the way men and women think erotic thoughts..there's probably more truth to it than not.

I don't think pennsylfanisher really speaks for all men...c'mon...

[elian]

I don't think pennsylfanisher really speaks for all men...c'mon...

yes I agree .. but he says it in a way I hadn't considered before.

Actually I know he doesn't speak for all men because that's the reason I don't cyber - end up getting all hot, bothered and wet - both hands are still on the keyboard - and then the other end just up and disconnects...grrr... now if I had a third hand... (shakes head) - it's just not worth it..

[dafydd]

yes I agree .. but he says it in a way I hadn't considered before.

Actually I know he doesn't speak for all men because that's the reason I don't cyber - end up getting all hot, bothered and wet - both hands are still on the keyboard - and then the other end just up and disconnects...grrr... now if I had a third hand... (shakes head) - it's just not worth it..

Yeah i guess he's like the annoying, rude little brother who won't shut up when there are embarrassing adults in the room and says things that are often thought but never said. Except he's 40plus. Which makes him just kinda rude.

[void()]

Yeah i guess he's like the annoying, rude little brother who won't shut up when there are embarrassing adults in the room and says things that are often thought but never said. Except he's 40plus. Which makes him just kinda rude.

I honestly did not notice rudeness. He expressed his thoughts on the writing. I can understand a bit
of his commentary, agree. Some I understand but do not agree. Some yet I neither understand nor
agree with.

And it is all fine and okay. :) Not here to be seen as "best" of anything. Like I said, this was mainly
an exercise for myself and a select group of readers. I wondered if I could write erotically, good, fair,
terribly? From aggregate it seems I can write erotica good enough.

No, not going to venture being the next Purple Pen, or any such "famous" erotic author/s. But at least,
I saw that I could write with some humble success. Noting I can write erotica good enough, find it ironic
some *ahem* seem to have difficulty reading my writing otherwise. Excuse me.

[Gearbox]

Gearbox, How can you say he romantically skull fucked her? That would be like saying... The Doberman lovingly sank his teeth into the postman's ass. But I like the way you think.
I'm not sure about the doberman bit coz it's non consensual. But you can have a lover skull fuck you tho, out of lust and/or love. There's that fantasy character that many have in their heads that would come along and fuck the guts out of you with no regard for anything but to fuck the guts out of you like a sex obsessed demon-like beast. IMO that is just as much a romantic character as any Barbara Cartland could think up. All she does is to focus on the subtler elements to the sexual encounter, such as a tender kiss here & there between the volley of thrusts up her/his arse.
IMO there's nothing more blatantly contrasting than a m-m sub/dom 'relationship'. The sub will mold the dom into his fantasy character to bring it to life, and the compliance of that is or can be romantic in itself. Much like a date in a fine restaurant where the male tries to become the ladies fantasy character. He's a dick really, but that's awfully romantic of him to pretend not to be for her pleasure.;) It's a loving gesture if nothing else.

[tenni]

I'm not sure about the doberman bit coz it's non consensual. But you can have a lover skull fuck you tho, out of lust and/or love. There's that fantasy character that many have in their heads that would come along and fuck the guts out of you with no regard for anything but to fuck the guts out of you like a sex obsessed demon-like beast. IMO that is just as much a romantic character as any Barbara Cartland could think up. All she does is to focus on the subtler elements to the sexual encounter, such as a tender kiss here & there between the volley of thrusts up her/his arse.
IMO there's nothing more blatantly contrasting than a m-m sub/dom 'relationship'. The sub will mold the dom into his fantasy character to bring it to life, and the compliance of that is or can be romantic in itself. Much like a date in a fine restaurant where the male tries to become the ladies fantasy character. He's a dick really, but that's awfully romantic of him to pretend not to be for her pleasure.;) It's a loving gesture if nothing else.

I think that this scenario is more raw lust than erotica. My understanding that the entire point of erotica is to make it more sensual than skull fuck raw sex. Once you begin to discuss subs and tops you are no longer in erotica territory. It is more raw sex and porn like fantasy. Both erotica and porn are fantasy..just not really interchangeable though.

[Gearbox]

I think that this scenario is more raw lust than erotica. My understanding that the entire point of erotica is to make it more sensual than skull fuck raw sex. Once you begin to discuss subs and tops you are no longer in erotica territory. It is more raw sex and porn like fantasy. Both erotica and porn are fantasy..just not really interchangeable though.
Well yes it's raw, but erotica is merely about what leads up to the raw. I'm a HUGE fan of that 'leading up to' stuff, the seduction and the teasing etc.:bowdown: But sub/dom bdsm has it's little ways of all that too, although through a magnifying glass in comparison. Still fantasy, even though without much pleasantries. You wouldn't expect Cinderella to be gangbanged in her pumpkin carriage straight off.lol But had we seen how she got to the point of that through a string of subtle sensual erotic acts, we may view it as inevitable and quite in character and within social etiquette.:tongue:

[Gearbox]

Gearbox, your point is well made. You have broadened my understanding. Like any good conversation, you have sparked my curiosity. This "Dom - Sub" thing. In a male - female engagement the perspective is clear but in a m - m engagement it would seem the balance would be the opinion of the participants. I'm not very articulate so let me use my crude example..... As I knelt before him peacefully sucking his cock, I felt him stiffen ever more. I instinctively flattened my tongue and pushed it out. I held my breath then sank my fingers into the yielding flesh of his ass and pulled him so close as to force his entire length so deep within my mouth and throat. I did not stop until I felt the soft warmth of his balls against my chin. As I felt his cock throb and pulse, I swallowed his offering with delight. My only regret that I wouldn't have it on my tongue to Basque in my achievement...... So if we look at it and write from the perspective of the "Fucker", it would be about how he was Dom and skull fucked the "Fuckee". Then if we see it from the perspective of the "Fuckee", we see it is the Cocksucker who is Dom. Am I on the right track here so far? I agree the Doberman example, being nonconsensual, is not germane to the conversation. I wonder what the story would be like if written from the perspective of the guy in the nighty? Once again I am not criticizing or attacking anything or anyone. I'm just discussing and making an effort to try and understand people. If I've offended anyone, Please save all tongue clucking Hissy Fits for a time when I've really pissed you all off.
Yes you got that right Mr!:) I'm a 'dom', but I know my place and that's where my 'sub' damn well puts me. It's a case of the mentally dom controlling the physically dom. When you describe sucking that cock (very nicely btw) you are mentally domming the psychically dom act of the 'skull fucker'. Much like a horseman & horse relationship, with the horseman as the mentally dom partner guiding the horses actions for HIS benefit.
Those guys in nighties (CD's) are by far among the highest order of mental doms IMO. Given half the chance, you enter THEIR world with THEIR rules and view them as THEIR fantasy version of themselves. That takes some doing, I expect.:)

[void()]

Yes you got that right Mr!:) I'm a 'dom', but I know my place and that's where my 'sub' damn well puts me. It's a case of the mentally dom controlling the physically dom. When you describe sucking that cock (very nicely btw) you are mentally domming the psychically dom act of the 'skull fucker'. Much like a horseman & horse relationship, with the horseman as the mentally dom partner guiding the horses actions for HIS benefit.
Those guys in nighties (CD's) are by far among the highest order of mental doms IMO. Given half the chance, you enter THEIR world with THEIR rules and view them as THEIR fantasy version of themselves. That takes some doing, I expect.:)

*chuckles softly*

To me the Dom is one whom has respect to care for the sub, whom is being
a Dom by granting the Dom control. And to me the whole issue seems fully
mental, or emotional. A sub has to trust the Dom whom they give over
control to.

In one sense the sub is every bit a Dom, because at any given point a
sub may assert control and stop the encounter. If the Dom the sub is
with is not caught up in the "power" aspect and abusive, that Dom will
respect such an assertion, comply.

I have enjoyed both aspects, sub and Dom, Top and bottom. To me there
is no real preference. When asked what I am "into" I keep it simple,
"like to please and be pleased." And yes, I'll speak up if something is
displeasing.

For example I'm not "into" water sports, necrophilia, pedophilia,
bestiality, scat play. These are all big turn offs and no no's for me.
I do not mind a little light pleasurable pain but not into that so much
either, it could border on abusiveness. Not into abusiveness at all in
case that hasn't been made clear.

Been asked at times by different lovers to engage in rape "play".
Have refused despite some minor urge to indulge. And it goes back to
the issue of abusiveness. Can not wrap my mind around the notion of
"pretend" rape, sort of creeps me out.

[void()]

Hehehe... Can you imagine being the Eighth little dwarf named "Horney"? Grasping Snow white, Doggy style by the hips and as you plunge your cartoonish dick deep into her alabaster ass you sing... High, HOOOooooooo.... I'm sorry that had nothing to do with the discussion. I just had a little brain fart is all. The Cinderella thing turned me on. So it would seem that the best erotica would go from the romantic suggestion of sex yet to come, to the obvious raw skull fuckery? But there would have to be detailed mention of cum. It's important to guys to know what became of the cum

* nods, sits in contemplation *

That is just one of those really quirky bits I think.

*chuckles and moves along*

[Gearbox]

Been asked at times by different lovers to engage in rape "play".
Have refused despite some minor urge to indulge. And it goes back to
the issue of abusiveness. Can not wrap my mind around the notion of
"pretend" rape, sort of creeps me out.
On a few occasions my sub has shouted out "You're raping me!", stopping me in my tracks hoping that the neighbours can't hear him.:eek2: We don't do 'rape play', but that's in his head obviously at times when he's at his most submissiveness. Being completely defenseless and at the mercy of a sex craved lunatic ('fantasy me') is what he wants, and what gets him to that place of non-responsibility and sexual objectification. That's where he gears me up to take him.
Before I get hate-mail...:rolleyes:...he's big brawny ex fireman & security guard who could swing me around with his little finger if he wanted too. He's also against rape and abuse of any kind outside of bdsm!;)
His physique and personality prob has a lot to do with his exploration of sexual submissiveness. He's def not sub in any way outside of sex.
Your right about the sub being the one who's really in control. The dom goes as far as he's allowed, and unless he's a psychopath, he'll be aware of a limit and cautious of overstepping it.

I'm not much into necrophilia either. Reminds me of an ex gf.lol

[elian]

I react violently to the thought of actual human subjugation so witnessing something like "rape" play not only turns me off, but gets me aggravated to the point of wanting to break something. I watched a few of those daytime shock talk shows on TV (like Jerry Springer) and one time when a woman was on there crying because she was raped I wanted to pick the TV up and throw it out the window.

Typically this is not my normal state of being, I guess maybe it's a good thing that I don't like the thought of myself or others being defenseless and physically assaulted.

It's weird because if the circumstances are right I don't mind being submissive, but there's just something about witnessing that behavior and hearing people cry out that I don't like..

I find that I'll start out submissive and in the next 10 minutes I'm dominate - it's sort of fluid - it depends on the person and the circumstances, energy level, etc.

[tenni]

"I'm not much into necrophilia either. Reminds me of an ex gf.lol"

Ah, Did I date her before or after you..lol?

I just don't see how any writer could make an erotic story out of a rape fantasy?
Do you not have to be able to have the reader to enter the fantasy and want the fantasy?
That is how I understand erotica and nope can not imagine appealing to sufficient readers that would enter a rape fantasy story. Then again , if you are a damn good writer you could give it a try..lol

[Gearbox]

I just don't see how any writer could make an erotic story out of a rape fantasy?
Do you not have to be able to have the reader to enter the fantasy and want the fantasy?
That is how I understand erotica and nope can not imagine appealing to sufficient readers that would enter a rape fantasy story. Then again , if you are a damn good writer you could give it a try..lol
Rape fantasy is hugely different to actual rape, as it's not rape. No matter how submissive and helpless the sub imagines him/herself to be, it can never match the emotions of someone being raped, which are vastly different. Rape isn't submissive consensual sex by any measure, which 'rape fantasy' is all about, and nothing to do with trauma of actual rape.
Much like how cuckold isn't the same as actually being humiliated by the mrs shagging some bloke in front of you without your permission. That in reality usually ends up in homicide scenario, or at least some kind of kerfuffle.:tongue:

You could write erotic rape fantasy as long as the participants are described as PERFORMING rape fantasy. Whether that would be in good taste or not is another matter.
I'd rather do Cinderella getting gangbanged in her pumpkin carriage.lol Now that would be tasteful!:rolleyes:

[void()]

You could write erotic rape fantasy as long as the participants are described as PERFORMING rape fantasy. Whether that would be in good taste or not is another matter.

Even considering writing it, returns my mind to the actual scenario.

And I feel it would way to easy to tip a balance point. The Dom could assert themselves
too far, the sub not realizing exactly they were being raped, until well it was done. Yes, I
know that may be difficult to comprehend. My feeling is the sub could be enthralled in the
pleasure of the "moment" and not quite be cognizant. By the same token, a Dom might find
themselves in a similar fix.

So, as it is just seems too easy for that balance to tip, rather stay well enough away. And
yes, this includes writing a rape fantasy "play" scene. Hardcore rough sex maybe, but rape
play, no. Even if it would only be within the mental scope, as a writer not sure but what
one could not lose themselves in the "moment" and rape readers, with a rape scene. Not
something I would ever seek doing.

N.B. Just my two pennies regarding erotica versus porn,
erotica was defined to me as the enticement, foreplay.
Porn was defined as the rough hard core sex. Granted
this short story bit had a sex scene. I did not "pan" in
and get too grungy into it, with good reason, erotica
to me would have been porn.

[Gearbox]

And I feel it would way to easy to tip a balance point. The Dom could assert themselves
too far, the sub not realizing exactly they were being raped, until well it was done. Yes, I
know that may be difficult to comprehend. My feeling is the sub could be enthralled in the
pleasure of the "moment" and not quite be cognizant. By the same token, a Dom might find
themselves in a similar fix.
You mean that the 'rapist' could be an actual rapist (or turn into one) and the 'rapee' would not know it if he/she didn't exercise their control to stop it?
That's a bit of a quandary isn't it? Especially if both enjoyed it.:tongue:


So, as it is just seems too easy for that balance to tip, rather stay well enough away. And
yes, this includes writing a rape fantasy "play" scene. Hardcore rough sex maybe, but rape
play, no. Even if it would only be within the mental scope, as a writer not sure but what
one could not lose themselves in the "moment" and rape readers, with a rape scene. Not
something I would ever seek doing.
Are you saying that by writing a 'rape play' erotic story, you run the risk of discovering a part of you may like rape?
Or that your readers may discover that they like the idea of rape?

Oh Void, the only risk run is to NOT explore those dark corners of the psyche to find out if they are really dark or not.:eek2:

[void()]

You mean that the 'rapist' could be an actual rapist (or turn into one) and the 'rapee' would not know it if he/she didn't exercise their control to stop it?
That's a bit of a quandary isn't it? Especially if both enjoyed it.:tongue:


Are you saying that by writing a 'rape play' erotic story, you run the risk of discovering a part of you may like rape?
Or that your readers may discover that they like the idea of rape?

Oh Void, the only risk run is to NOT explore those dark corners of the psyche to find out if they are really dark or not.:eek2:

I'll be rather wimpy and stay in the light. I was meaning as a writer one could in effect rape readers. I know the notion may sound silly, but rather not try it to find out.