Falling For A Friend

[Angel31]

Firstly if you don't like reading a lot stop here....if you do then be prepared to read! lol..

Secondly, I need to give a little background info, so you guys understand the situation more... I am currently in a unhappy longterm hetrosexual relationship with a man (I am a woman). We have got to the point where we dont even have sex anymore. He has health problems, which have affected our relationship, to what I consider beyond repair.

A few months ago an old friend came back into my life and we have become closer over the past few months.
She is also in a similar relationship with her male partner as myself, sexless and perhaps not quite as unhappy as mine.

At first we chatted via emails, but this soon progressed to chatting online everyday, texting all day, phonecalls and meeting up once a week.
Mostly, at first we just shared friendly chitchat online, but this soon progressed to us telling each other erotic hetrosexual stories. Which we both admitted we found very stimulating. One night when we talked about it online, she told me 'Even though the story was not about you, I did not forget that it was you telling me it'.

As time has gone on, with all the contact I have found that I feel more than just friendly feelings towards her! She'll be in my thoughts, and then a few seconds later I get a text asking me how my day is going or what I am doing.
Not one day goes by when we dont communicate via any means necessary. Throughout the day it's texts and maybe the odd phonecall. Then in the evening (every evening) chatting online for hours.

One particular night online, she confessed that she'd had a crush on a old friend of hers and told me all the details about her crush. She asked me if I had ever liked a woman. I saw this as my opportunity to let her know how I feltl about her. So I told her, to which she told me she had already sussed that out, by the way I look at her! I told her i now felt embarrassed looking at her I like that, and she responded with, 'Your looks were not lost on me'. She seemed totally ok with it but did say 'If I tried to kiss her she would not let me'.

Anyway, for the next few days I felt totally withdrawn and felt disgusted with myself. I even made myself sick with worry. I have always considered myself to be hetrosexual and here I was facing up to the fact that I had developed feelings for my female friend!
My friend rang me up and was totally supportive about it all. But this is where my confusion started. Although she was being supportive towards me, she was acting like she did not have any such feelings for me...Yet, i couldn't help but think that I the feelings I was experiencing were mutual!

Things continued as the same with the same level of contact and with what I consider flirting. She joked to people I was her 'Lesbian Lover'. One evening we got drunk at her house and she held my hand, for what seemed like a few minutes, it was me that finally pulled away. She also holds my gaze for longer than usual and I do the same. Its almost as though i can feel a 'tension' in the air if this makes any sense?

Then things came to a head about three weeks back where in a drunken moment I texted her and asked if she felt anything for me, because I felt it. She replied that she 'Would not speak to me all day long if she didnt' and asked 'What was on my mind?' Then suddenly fearful of humiliation, I told her to ignore my message and used being drunk as a reason. She replied that she wanted me to ask her more questions. But by this time I was too drunk to reply!

Anyway, the next day we did not really discuss what had been said in detail. I just brought it up and asked her if she remembered my text and she said 'yes' and asked if i was 'ok with her response?' To which I replied with a single word 'yes'.

Then strangely, that was the end of that, and thats when she decided to not talk to me a few days. I rang her house and texted and got no reply.

Then a few days later she contacts me and tells me that what we had discussed had to stop, because she did not want to feel awkward around me. Confused, I just agreed to keep the peace and our friendship. But in the back of mind I was confused and upset as to how things had ended up this way. We agreed no more flirtin, no more sex talk and she even told me not to compliment her any more! Heh??
I told her that it was not all one way, and she gave as good as she got. To which she jokingly replied 'Yeah but I have spoken to myself about it' HEH????

At that time I was thinking the level of our contact ie: all day texting ect. would dwindle. Because as far as i'm concerned 'normal' friendships do not have such a high level of contact. Or am I getting something wrong?

At first it did, but now we are right back at where we started with the constant communication and spending hours talking online again!

So, here I am three weeks later totally confused! Am I being used? Why does she blow hot and cold? Why the sudden change of mind after admitting she has feelings for me?

At times I feel like just ending our friendship, so I can distance myself from her and stop feeling this way about her. But at the same time I find myself being drawn towards her like a magnet. I still really want our friendship but this situation is confusing and killing me!

Also, I am aware that it is not healthy for either of our current relationships. Which, I really need to sort out. But at the same time I just can't get this woman out of my mind!!

I would really appreciate hearing people's thoughts about this all......... :)

[Haemoglobin]

you are in a tricky situation really .
i dont have so much experience with this kind of problem , but some i do have .

one thing is that you must always think that it is not as easy as with heterosexuals , because the other person , in this case your friend surely also feels a bit akeward about her own situation and you said it , she is in a heterosexual relationship too . maybe also that can be of importance for her , may she has not yet given up hope to save her relationship with that man .
have you ever asked yourself that ?

by what you said i figure she almost has to have feelings for you too in a way .
i do not wanna get your hopes up , but i think it sounds pretty much like shes also drawn to you otherwise it makes no sense . because of the friendship only she send everyday ? nah , i dont think so after everything that happened between you guys .

i more think shes scared of her feelings or yours for her and the fact that shes in a relationship may bothers her as well.
but that girl has been discussing sex with you , held your hand , made some hints and took a step back when it got serious , you gotta get to the bottom of this .

stop beeing like "ahhhaaaaha , i was only drunk..blabla" , cause if youre ashamed the next day and you say , ah i was only drunk how can she ever open up to you , how ever come closer . maybe not talking about it then wouldve been better even . but you shoot yourself a goal by not attmiting you really like her and say the alcohol was the cause .

get yourself together , send her , ask her ,,, tell her how you feel , make her answer you , do not accept a lame excuse for not answering , really get to the bottom of it and figure out if you have a chance . if not , be her friend or not , however youll have clearance!

and if it doesnt work , call me babe :tongue:

[deletetacount123]

Your not alone :-) Im also falling for a friend!!

In my case, Ive known her for 16 years and we have always had this strong and special friendship. I know now shes fine with gays and even encouraged me storngly to date a woman!! (was that a hint??)
I would love to tell her I have feelings for her and I did have a crush on her but Im just going to keep that to myself and let time decide.
If she ever askes, then I'll be honest.

We do text on the blackberry every day, sometimes nonstop one day a week!! I am however not interested in ruining a 16 year friendship but if she ever askes, wants to try and promises me we can remain friends even if the "more than friends" relationship didn't work then I'll try :-)

It is hard :-( But you should be honest :-) Sometimes I find writing THE BEST way to ask something that might be hard to say in person... let her know she can response honestly by writing as well unless she wants to speak in person. :-)
Why I never take my own advice is unknown.... can someone repeat that to me?? lol

Tasha

[taz67156]

girl you really are in bind cause the both of you are not happy where you are now and want something else, you seem to have strong feelings about her and she keeps jumping back and forth so she is the one with the problem not you.

Has she told you also that she wants to end the relationship that she is in now? cause she might still be trying to fix things with the guy she is seeing.

there is alot of questions that you need to ask yourself and that need to be asked to her. but the biggest thing that you need to not do is blame getting drunk on anything that happens between you and her.

[Angel31]

Thankyou guys for your responses! :)

I do agree with everything you have all said. Taz has summed up everything about the situation.

We both are in unhappy places right now, maybe this has helped push our friendship so close..

But then I do think I am more accepting of the fact that my relationship is over. She has told me her relationship is bad but also that she cannot survive on her own!
Maybe she is at the point where like Haemoglobin says she is trying to 'fix' her relationship. (Btw. I'll keep that offer in mind :tong:! ) But then, on the other hand she isn't doing a very good job of it, if she is still continously texting all day long and chatting to me every evening for hours!

Also, I do see now that I handled her admitting her feelings all wrong now! She wanted me to ask her more questions and get it all out in the open. By me saying I was drunk I invalidated what she had said.
When I think back she did also say a few days later that I denied asking her the question. But I don't remember doing that at all. I clearly remember asking that next day if she remembered and then she asking if I was ok with her response! Maybe, she felt I was trying to pretend I had not asked the question?
The thing is I may have been drunk but I do care deeply about her and I would like to know if she feels the same...

I am glad you all believe I should sit down and talk about all of this with her. I have been racking my brains debating if I should just leave it, as she said it would make her feel awkward. But at the same time if at least our friendship is too survive, then we have got to get everything out in the open.

Any more thoughts would be appreciated! :)

[Angel31]

Your not alone :-) Im also falling for a friend!!

In my case, Ive known her for 16 years and we have always had this strong and special friendship. I know now shes fine with gays and even encouraged me storngly to date a woman!! (was that a hint??)
I would love to tell her I have feelings for her and I did have a crush on her but Im just going to keep that to myself and let time decide.
If she ever askes, then I'll be honest.

We do text on the blackberry every day, sometimes nonstop one day a week!! I am however not interested in ruining a 16 year friendship but if she ever askes, wants to try and promises me we can remain friends even if the "more than friends" relationship didn't work then I'll try :-)

It is hard :-( But you should be honest :-) Sometimes I find writing THE BEST way to ask something that might be hard to say in person... let her know she can response honestly by writing as well unless she wants to speak in person. :-)
Why I never take my own advice is unknown.... can someone repeat that to me?? lol

Tasha

Thanks for the feedback Tasha.

One question, how long have you had feelings for your friend? Also, how do you manage to not tell her?
I found it unbearable not being able to express how I felt in the beginning! Even though I have not really sat her down and told her everything I am feeling in any great detail. I take comfort in knowing she at least knows I have some feelings.

Btw. It so much easier to give advice than to take it.
;) Also, like you said preserving your friendship is no.1 for you.

[anne27]

I feel for ya, hon. You are between a rock and a hard place. From what you have said, there is little doubt that your friend has feelings for you, but she is probably terrified to act on them and very afraid if the consequences. I agree, you two need to sit down and have a long, frank talk and go from there.
Once the cat was out of the bag about you having feelings for each other, it's impossible to start all over as 'just friends'.When my ex g/f and I broke up, we both insisted that we try to maintain the 'just friends' relationship. It was so difficult and awkward, we both wound up frustrated and angry. Mind you, that was a different situation than you have, but trying to keep all flirting and inuendoes out of your conversations isn't going to be easy.

Open communication is the only way. Best of luck to you!

And hey, if it doesn't work out with either your friend or Haemoglobin, there are plenty of interesting women just over that big pond. ;)

[Angel31]

Thankyou for the words of support Anne27. It really does feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall!
Yes, what you said about her feeling terrified and very afraid if the consequences is most likey true. I felt this way when I first admitted I liked her and in some ways I still do.

The weirdest thing now is that I am finding we talk constantly about all the men we find attractive! When, infact we should be discussing about ourselves and how we feel LOL! Its almost as if the more we talk about men, the more we can deny what we both feel, and of course it stops the flirting!

I woke up this morning thinking I was not going to text her. On one hand I want our relationship to be just a friendship. I feel like I want to keep some control on the amount of contact we have. But then come lunchtime I gave in and texted. So it really is a battle of wills.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Angel,

You may not like my response and I hope it doesn't cause any negative feelings. First off I want to say that I think you are a terrific woman.

Anyway, You are in a situation that is totally unfair to you. You have the feelings you do for her, she is well aware of them, has fed them and negated them and fed them again. No matter how hard you both are trying to not let it affect the friendship, it is. Your strings are being pulled, wether it is validation she is seeking, true feelings she does have, or any other reason. Sounds like she is holding the cards and choosing the direction that the whole friendship should go in. That is unfair to you, you are not a toy. Your feelings are just as important as hers.

I honestly think that you should talk to her about it. Be point blank as you can so she can't construe or twist anything that you say or negate your feelings. Obviously you two have talked in such a depth before to allow this. Let her know that you know that she knows you have these feelings and want a clear understanding of what her intentions are with her actions/reactions. If she still claims that she will never be anything but a full heterosexual and she doesn't feel the same for you as you do for her, then it is time to distance your romantic/loving emotions from her and find another friend/woman, who will give the same back to you, while filling the time and anticipation you have with this current woman. That way your friendship can be nurtured like a friendship and your heart can still love, just not with her. Does that make sense?

I really wish you happiness in whatever you chose and whomever you love. *hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs* to you.

[Frunny]

Ok, I know that this is a difficult time and confusing. I have been through it and out. I will tell you my story and maybe it will help you.

My best friend and I met 6 and half years ago. From the moment we sat down and talked for the first time, we were inseperable. We were always at each others houses and hanging out together at school. She was the first person I ever told I was bi to. She didn't have one single problem with it. But I was falling for her... falling for her bad. This became a problem when she would sleep over. All I wanted to do was kiss her lips and caress her face... but I didn't act on it. I eventually told her how I felt and how she effected me. Our friendship didn't change. She didn't stop hanging around me or being my best friend. Things seemed the same in out in public or when we were with other people. But late at night when it was just us... the tension grew. We both had not had any sexual experience. We eventually promised each other that we would one day have sex together, but not at that moment. We both knew we were not ready yet. But about a year later, we gave each other our first kiss. It was nothing very special, but it was a first kiss shared. She pulled away from me after that. She was scared by how she felt about me. And all I wanted to do was kiss her some more. I wanted a romantic relationship with her, even if it didn't last (which I knew it wouldn't). That night she fell asleep against me and I held her, awake for most of the night. Soon after this, her family moved to town (we lived in the country). She pulled away from me more than ever. But things were not going well in her life at all. Her stepfather was very emotionally and verbally abusive and it was coming to a head. A year and a half later her mom and stepfather divorced. Things got better again. But they wern't ever the same. A couple of years later I graduated and went to college in the same town she lived in. I fell in love with a wonderful man (who I am still with today). About 5 months into our relationship I told him I was bi. He flipped out at first, but came back a day later to tell me he didn't care, he loved me. Incedently about a month later, my best friend spent the night at my house. She told me she was ready... she didn't think she would wait till marraige to have sex and didn't want the first time to be a regret. She wanted me to take her virginity. This put me in a very difficult possition. For years I had dreamed of having her and now that I was in the most loving relationship, she was ready. I told her I wouldn't cheat on my bf, and if she really wanted to, we would have to talk to him together. So, we did talk to him, he was not happy in the least, but said it was ok with him if it happened only once. So, I did take her virginity, but this was also my first time with a woman. It sucked for me. I did everything, and for the most part she just layed there. But I took it as her being nervous and it being her first real sexual experience. About a month latter after that we ended up having a threesome with my bf. And for a month and a half we were together. All three of us a loving and equal relationship. But she soon dumped us, telling us it wasn't what she wanted. This hurt very much to both my boyfriend and me. After the break up, it put a strain on both the relationship I had with my boyfriend and the one I had with my best friend. My best friend (a little after the break up) got a boyfriend. Nathan and I were both unsure of him, but he turned out to be the best thing for her and for our relationship. We soon worked things out and things were back to almost normal. This happened about a year ago and now things are maybe better than ever. I'm SO in love with my boyfriend and my bestfriend and her boyfriend (the same one) start college this year with us.

Now I don't know if there is a happy ending at the end of this tale. The story is still being played out. But I can tell you that if you want it bad enough, go for it, as long as you are willing to do anything to make sure your relationship with your friend doesn't fall apart. If you talk and decide to have a relationship with each other, go for it. I hope it works out! But if it doesn't make every effort you have to make sure you don't loose her friendship, because what happened. That is all I can tell you. Maybe you learned something from my story, maybe not. But at least you saw a different point of view.

Telling this has been quite difficult for me, this is maybe the second time I've ever told anyone the FULL story of happened between my best friend and me. Thank you for giving me a chance to tell it.

- Frunny

[Angel31]

LittleRayOfSunshine I fully appreciate your feedback and if I am honest everything you have said makes 100% sense to me.

At the time when she blanked me I did feel liked she was calling all the shots. Those few days gave me the time to examine her previous actions. She has never been totally honest with me and skirts around things, or uses what I call 'double meanings' quite a bit. I felt that she was playing some kind of game with me and I felt angry at that time. But I chose to ignore these thoughts when the same level of contact was maintained again....silly I know

I know in my heart she could be seeing this as some kind of game. In one of our convo's last week, she joked I was a 'bunny boiler' and that peeved me right off! Even though, she was supposedly joking about it (so she says) I felt really angry about the comment it hit a raw nerve for me. I did not respond when she tried contacting me. When I did respond I told her I was not happy with her comment. To which she insisted was a just a joke and apologised. I really should have told her there and then why it had annoyed me...

She has also recently told me that she knows how to work people (refering to men) and usually gets her own way with guys. But in my heart when I look at it she seems to be using this same technique on me!

So no, littlerayofsunshine I am not annoyed with you, just the opposite! Thankyou for helping to remind me that I should maybe be following my 'gut' feeling and not my heart!

I will talk to her and let you all know how it went...

Also, Frunny thanks for sharing your story with us. That must be a big weight of your mind. It has been a weight of mine sharing my story with all of you!

[taz67156]

Hi Angel,
I'm glad to see that we are able to help you out so far, you could have gotten the friendship between you and her closer like you said but I still think it would be best that you and her set down and talk about everything thats on your minds and let her know how you really feel about her and then work on the other issues.
And from your reponse she wants you to ask her the question that she felt you denied saying anything about. Give it a try cause she could have the same feelings about you and be hiding them from you for now atleast.

good luck,
taz67156

[littlerayofsunshine]

Good. I am glad that my response didn't sound too harsh. I believe you just want something concrete, good or bad. I can understand that. I really hope you the best. She's sounds like an all around manipulator. I know one just like her. I'm related to her by marriage. If you ever want to talk hun, feel free to PM me. ((((((hugs)))))))))

[Angel31]

Hi guys I thought I'd post a little update on my situation as it now stands.

After taking in all the advice you guys gave I decided to cool off my contact with my friend so I could decide what to do next. So I cut our contact down to just one message a day some days, just asking how she was doing (as friends do). Some days I did not text her at all, for which she texted asking why I was 'so quiet' or telling me 'You are quiet today'. These texts annoyed me because it was like she was saying I should be texting her!
In the end I just texted 'Yeah but you are quiet too!'...there was no response for that one! :bigrin: :bigrin:

Anyway, one evening, about one week ago when we were online (which I cut down too). I decided to question her about what she had meant when she said she 'felt something for me'. Anyway she responded with 'I dont want any recriminations, but I meant I like you because you bring out the 'wild' side in me whereas my other friends don't do that! I asked her to explain it further but she had already done that...I don't think she had!

We also talked about how intense our friendship had got over the months. Firstly, I admitted that I had never been so intense with someone as much as we had been, and she admitted the same. I mentioned how it was much better at the level we had it at and she agreed. She also said that our friendship had progressed way too quickly and that may have been part of our problem. I also have to admit I do agree with her!

The only problem is since that conversation it hasn't really changed what I feel for her. I think about her every day and feel happy when she texts. I dream and fantasize about us having our first kiss. Infact I have had to stop and check myself a few times this week so I don't let myself get drawn back into the position I was at a few months back! Although, strangely at the same time I quite enjoy the fact it is only a fantasy and not reality!
I think I will always feel something for her but I am more able to deal with those feelings a bit better (or am I kidding myself!). I really do feel more in control of our level of contact now, and it does feel more like a friendship than anything else.....although....

...she has just brought a laptop and told me today that our level of contact would increase now because she isn't using the desktop now! So I am going to have to keep that in check as well now!

Anyone of you helpful people got an opinion on this?...feel free to comment......

[AnotherVoice]

Well here's just a different perspective .. not necessarily the right one:

Maybe it has nothing to do with you per say but with the intimacy itself. Even though it's not on a physical level, emotionally it is. You're both in a numbing relationship and are leaning on eachother for what you're lacking from these men. Maybe to you it's become something more but with her, maybe not so. I can understand it.

I compare it to when hetero women in unhappy relationships start hanging out w their male buddies. Even though they're not wanting a romantic relationship with them, they're spending a lot of time with them - feeling more wanted; gaining validation; to awaken that inner spark; to flirt! We all like attention to some degree.

She's maintaining contact with you because she's getting the feedback she's needing. I bet if her relationship took a turn for the better, she wouldn't be needing you as much.

Just an idea to ponder..

[Angel31]

Well here's just a different perspective .. not necessarily the right one:

Maybe it has nothing to do with you per say but with the intimacy itself. Even though it's not on a physical level, emotionally it is. You're both in a numbing relationship and are leaning on eachother for what you're lacking from these men. Maybe to you it's become something more but with her, maybe not so. I can understand it.

I compare it to when hetero women in unhappy relationships start hanging out w their male buddies. Even though they're not wanting a romantic relationship with them, they're spending a lot of time with them - feeling more wanted; gaining validation; to awaken that inner spark; to flirt! We all like attention to some degree.

She's maintaining contact with you because she's getting the feedback she's needing. I bet if her relationship took a turn for the better, she wouldn't be needing you as much.

Just an idea to ponder..


Yeah I understand what you mean! You are coming from a similar prospective as littlerayofsunshine. Except more from her view point and the reasons for her actions.

We are both using each other but for different reasons. We are both in need of an emotional relationship and are gaining this from each other. I obviously feel something for her and have told her so. She has told me she feels something for me but has not 'fully' explained what she means by this.
The hetro woman and 'just good friends' with a male friend example is exactly how it feels at the moment.
She does reinforce my feelings for her by flirting and always saying the 'right thing'. Yet she keeps herself at just the right distance to back away from me.

To be honest I am getting pretty tired of the situation as it stands and really think to protect myself from further heartache I should back away from her totally. I have already started to do this. But this is easier said than done because I do also see her as friend! I have got used to our conversations everyday and talking to her in the evenings has become a habit.

The comment you made that if her relationship improved she would back off is highly likely. Although, I don't see how her relationship could improve. I actually see the possiblity of her meeting a man (through an affair) more of a possiblity. She has told me she finds it hard to stay faithful in her relationships and her current relationship formed from an affair. But you are right I could see myself pushed to the sidelines...

[AnotherVoice]

But you are right I could see myself pushed to the sidelines...

Then it's not a worthwhile relationship (regardless of its type) to hang onto. You deserve better. Best of luck.

[taz67156]

Hi Angel31,
I just read your last post and from what I see already it seems like she is denying how she truely feels about you and is useing something else in place so she doesn't have to explain it which isn't fair to you cause you have a right to know how she honestly feels since you told her, I think fair is fair and she should do the samething in return.
With the chatting that you both did everyday and cutting that down like you did might be good for awhile but if you cut it down to much then she might feel that she has done something wrong or offended you in some way.

It seems to me that your mind is trying to play games with you and how you feel about her cause if your now at a point that your dreaming of her then it could be telling you that she is the one to be with cause the mind does play games with the emotions when it wants too and can be very confussing at times. The heart can tell you what it wants for you, only thing I can ask is right now what does your heart tell you to do and whats your mind say also?

taz67156

[Nara_lovely]

Hmmm...from reading through this, my first impression is that neither wants to lose the friendship, and both waiting for the other to make a definite move closer. That indecision is starting to annoy you.

Like it was said in the posts...you are both in 'yucky' relationships. That alone can make you both feel the need to connect with someone else who understands.
The choice is to connect (even for a short time) to 'feel' what a better relationship is like, or to just be content with 'knowing' you are capable of it and worth having someone care about you.

Being able to decide what's best for yourself is part of the healing process: decide who sucks the life out of you, and who makes you feel strong...the influence by contact (be it verbal, written, or physical).

I'll guess that there is fear there...make a move with the excuse ready if it doesn't work. That confuses the hell out of the other person. Hot/cold/hot/warm/cold/distant/raging hot/warm (you get the idea)

Work yourself out first, then show the real you! (just my :2cents: )

[Angel31]

Thank you both Taz and Nara! I was on a bit of a downer in my last post and yes, Nara I am feeling quite frustrated at the situation as it stands!

Lke you said it is hard having feelings for someone, laying your heart on the line, and then not having the person do the same for me! It's not like I am asking her to run off with me or even have a relationship with me. I just want to know how she is feels about me and if the 'vibes' I am getting from her are real!

To be honest I am having problems just trying to cut down my contact with her (lol, I sound like a drug addict saying that!). Having her early morning texts asking me how I am and what my plans are is quite nice! Even this evening I asked her if she was coming online and she said she was waiting for me to ask (whats that about!). Anyway, we spent a good two or so hours chatting and joking and it felt really nice....it's days like this that I would find hard to give up!

Anyway, for the time being I have decided to keep our friendship as it is. I won't pressure, not that I ever have. I just think I need to have at least one person out there who understands and can sympathise with my current relationship difficulties. (not that u guys don't do a good job!) If it is making me feel good having her around, then maybe I should not throw it away. No matter how at the same time it can be so damn frustrating too.........

[Cathy]

Thankyou for the words of support Anne27. It really does feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall!
Yes, what you said about her feeling terrified and very afraid if the consequences is most likey true. I felt this way when I first admitted I liked her and in some ways I still do.

The weirdest thing now is that I am finding we talk constantly about all the men we find attractive! When, infact we should be discussing about ourselves and how we feel LOL! Its almost as if the more we talk about men, the more we can deny what we both feel, and of course it stops the flirting!

I woke up this morning thinking I was not going to text her. On one hand I want our relationship to be just a friendship. I feel like I want to keep some control on the amount of contact we have. But then come lunchtime I gave in and texted. So it really is a battle of wills.

The part you noted about texting /msg all day with your friend really hit home with me. I have a friend, who claims to be totally hetero, yet is in constant contact with me too, and see each other 1-2 /week. I agree, it's a lot and does suggest more than just friends. The more we talk about men, the more it denies what's going on. Yet, she always wants to engage in sexual talk, lots of details, and we get each other worked up sexually, which I love, cause I'm totally into her, yet she apparently is just thinking about th guys...yet she tells her new boyfriend about sexual fantasies with me?? heh? But that's OK because a guy would be watching. Go figure. Trust your instincts girl. This friend is holding back and is quite interested I think. Good luck.

[Angel31]

Cathy thanks for your post it has made me feel better knowing that I am not the only one in this particular situation!

I could totally understand two teenage girls texting and msn'ng each other all day long. I wouldn't see anything other than a friendship with it either.
BUT, we are not teenagers, we are both grown women with kids and having that much contact just seems and feels different to me.

I mean how many women would spend over two hours of EVERY evening talking (intimate things as well) to their female friend online? While texting that same friend throughout the day as well?

Also, how many totally hetrosexual women would tell each other erotic stories about each other online, while admitting to 'getting turned on by it'? Also. as well as admitting how they were turned on, tell their friend 'Although it was a story involving me with a man, I still cannot forget it was you telling it!'

How many totally hetrosexual women admit to having a complete crush on a lesbian neighbour. But then insist they are 100% hetrosexual because 'the crush only arose as they was having a bad time in their life'?

Oh and lastly but no means least..How many totally hetrosexual women say they noticed 'lustful looks' coming from their friend and then comment 'but those looks were not 'lost' on me'?....

I WILL trust my instincts!!

..... ;)

[querty]

I am likley the least quailfied person on this site to give you any advice. Certainly all of the reponses I have read in this forum make sense and contain good advice. Heres mine. Meet with her in person (it has to be in person), where you can have private conversation, and lay the cards on the table. ALL of them. It will be hard, it could be painful, it may be fabulous. But it is the next step. Any thing else is mentally and emotionally exhausting and is not moving you forward.

Best of luck to you, best of health.

[Angel31]

Damn, I must be a glutton for punishment! I have just spent the majority of my evening listening to her on msn describe how she flirted with an ex boyfriend last night in her local pub and how they are now texting each other!

Believe me, I still want to be her friend. We have a laugh and are hugely supportive of each other. Which I value much more so than any kind of relationship (sexual) we could ever have. But on the flipside I still have strong feelings for her, and I also have to deal with hearing about her conquests or nights of flirting!!

Why the hell do I do this to myself!!??? :banghead:...

....somebody give me the strength of will, or guts to kick this so called friend to the curb. The frustration is sooo killing me! :disgust:

[sexi_bi_grl17]

hey i know how u feel but the only difference is she doesnt even give me mixed messages shes clear on how she feels and it is ruining our friendship i hope u get through this

[deletetacount123]

Angel, trust me, your not the only one lol

My crush has no idea I have a crush on her (oh she knows Im in love with her HAIR lol but thats it) She encouraged me to date women when I told her I was bisexual (but recent converstations with certain people made me rethink that.... am I bi or lesbian? :) )

I soooo badly want to tell her but at the same time I have no interest in ruining our 17 years of friendship :(

Tasha

[Angel31]

Angel, trust me, your not the only one lol

My crush has no idea I have a crush on her (oh she knows Im in love with her HAIR lol but thats it) She encouraged me to date women when I told her I was bisexual (but recent converstations with certain people made me rethink that.... am I bi or lesbian? :) )

I soooo badly want to tell her but at the same time I have no interest in ruining our 17 years of friendship :(

Tasha


Sometimes I wish i had never told her (although she already knew so she says) I think maybe if she never knew I would feel better about it all! At least if she didnt know I wouldn't think she is only telling me things to wind me up!

.....Just remembered along with all the chat about this fella who she flirted with. She managed to slip a ever so slighty bi comment into the conversation.
I had a picture of a naked male and female artwork as my display picture. She then tells me the picture was saucy but she did not fancy the guy in it, then a slight pause and she commented the woman's 'frame' wasn't her thing either! Wouldn't a totally 100% hetrosexual woman not notice the woman, let alone make that comment?? :rolleyes:

Its at times like this I am glad this board exists!!

[Mrs.F]

Cathy thanks for your post it has made me feel better knowing that I am not the only one in this particular situation!

I could totally understand two teenage girls texting and msn'ng each other all day long. I wouldn't see anything other than a friendship with it either.
BUT, we are not teenagers, we are both grown women with kids and having that much contact just seems and feels different to me.

I mean how many women would spend over two hours of EVERY evening talking (intimate things as well) to their female friend online? While texting that same friend throughout the day as well?

Also, how many totally hetrosexual women would tell each other erotic stories about each other online, while admitting to 'getting turned on by it'? Also. as well as admitting how they were turned on, tell their friend 'Although it was a story involving me with a man, I still cannot forget it was you telling it!'

How many totally hetrosexual women admit to having a complete crush on a lesbian neighbour. But then insist they are 100% hetrosexual because 'the crush only arose as they was having a bad time in their life'?

Oh and lastly but no means least..How many totally hetrosexual women say they noticed 'lustful looks' coming from their friend and then comment 'but those looks were not 'lost' on me'?....

I WILL trust my instincts!!

..... ;)


Ok Angel...I have no advice for you except that I am 100% hetrosexual and I do not look at women this way, I have never had a crush on a woman, I never talk about my sexual life or intimate details or tell erotic stories with a woman friend. NOW, a guy I would! Maybe other hetrosexual women have or do but I only feel comfortable discussing that or being close like that with a man. I have a best friend, she has been my best friend since 4th grade. We have always been attached at the hip and been close. We always slept in the same bed when we stayed overnight at each others house and NOT ONCE has she or I ever been intimate or even thought about it. Infact thinking about it kind of disgusts me. She and I are still close, talk daily via email and our families get together when time allows it. But that's all we are...best friends and like sisters. So I think she must have some feelings there for you/females. There is NO way she could be 100% hetrosexual.
That's just my :2cents: which means absolutely nothing, but listening to you say all those things about a hetrosexual woman...just made me want to respond to this.

I wish you the best...you have quite a struggle going on here.
Take care and **hugs** to you!!!

[Angel31]

Firstly, just reading through my messages in this thread seems like I posted them years ago!

Secondly, I am posting again to give an update on my situation as it now stands..............

Like I said it feels a million years since I left my last message on here and so much has happened since.
As before I am very 'close' with my friend. We are still talking everyday via text, phonecalls and the internet. Plus meeting up at least once a week. The difference now being that we have discussed the situation and a I am far more relaxed about our relationship, although I feel more than ever she is in denial......

About a month ago we had an indepth discussion where she said she knew how I felt about her, but that she did not quite feel the same way....Which I feel is fair enough if I 'felt' she was telling the truth (sigh). I asked her why she had allowed me to get so close knowing I liked her. Her response 'I did not allow it It just happened. I like that we are so close.'
I asked why she had told me months back that she had feelings for me. She said 'Because I wasnt used to this level of friendship, and maybe I did. But it was because I hadn't found a level with you and me'
She asked me why I question our relationship and that I should 'Just go with it. We are what we are'.
We ended the conversation with me telling her that I felt a a deep emotional connection with her. That I felt totally at ease telling her anything and everything. She agreed and said that is how she felt too.

Since then we have met and spent an evening together watching a film. She put her legs up across my lap and we fell asleep on the sofa and I woke to find her hand resting on mine and my other hand on her leg.....I felt her fidgeting restlessly so I pretended to be asleep again. I then 'felt' her starin at me for a good few minutes, she did not remove her hand.....

We have also had a threesome 'cyber sex' situation where she insisted I bite and lick and suck her (but no kissing). This situation totally blew me away even though it was only cyber sex. We discussed it the next day she said it had been a laugh and nothing else. Then I told her I had liked it and it had turned me on. She seemed surprised, went quiet and then said she had liked it too and added anyone would find that situation arousing.
It seems she only admits she likes things if I say I do first..almost like she needs validation from me??.......

Recently, we were discussing ideal partners and she said her ultimate ideal partner would be a 'male' version of me. I was really flattered by this comment....

So for me I am finding as time has gone on I am far more relaxed about the situation and just take it as it is. I think we are both getting something out of our relationship as it stands. I like having someone there who is interested in me, how I feel and she is very supportive. I also do the the same for her. So in the emotional sense we are both leaning on each other. Maybe a bit more than average friends do?
In the intimacy sense things become a bit more blurred. I doubt she will ever reveal how she truly feels about me...my suspicions tell me she likes me more than than a friend..(or maybe this wishful thinkin??) But at the same time I regard my close friendship with her as far more important than any level of intimacy her and I could or couldnt have. If I had to choose I would rather the friendship than a relationship.......

...Comments would be much appreciated

[Chaia]

After reading all of your posts, Angel31, it seems clear that your friend has feelings for you that are more than just friendly. She may be afraid of her feelings for you and that is why she always leaves herself room to wiggle out of saying that she loves you and is sexually attracted to you. If you can maintain your friendship with the knowledge that she may never be able to give you what you are really looking for in her, then things are fine. But, if you are hurt by her actions, which seem to contradict what she is saying to you, then you may need to consider what you should do to save your feelings.

You are not alone. I, too, have a friend...do we all have a friend?? Anyway, she and I have been friends for 14 years--she moved away for a bit and came back a year ago. I asked her to go out for drinks last March and told her that I am very attracted to her. She said that she feels the same way about me. But...we are both married. My husband is fine with us carrying our relationship further, hers is not. So, we don't. But, I am finding it very hard to be "just friends." Telling the other person doesn't solve all of the problems. If anyone has advice on how to ease a romantic love to a friendship love I would welcome it. Not being her friend is not an option--I find that unthinkable.

So, Angel31, I am glad you shared your story, because it helps those of us in similar situations.

[Nate9]

I'm actually going though the same thing at the moment. I've not had any direct erotic experience or even suggestion of it from him, so i'm pretty sure it;s all just in my head. but my best friend came out as bi a few months ago and I came out to him shortly after (god I hope he never reads this, it'll be obvious i'm talking about him if he does) and we'd always been ridiculously good friends. Practically like twins in terms of our personalities, we could finish eachothers sentances if we didn't think it was a lame thing to do.

Recently I started getting a crush on him, though mainly his personality, i'm not insanely attracted to him like i am with other crushes, (he's cute as fuck though) and this just grew and grew until I was questioning myself day and night whether I was in love with him. I actually had a dream that we got married for fuck sake. if it was anyone else i'd just tell them, but i've never had a friend as close before, never had someone who totally understands me, often without me even explaining things. Also, he's back with his girlfriend who he's very much in love with, so even if i told him it wouldn't amount to anything.

I actually think he suspects I feel like this already, our intuitions about eachother have never been wrong. We're creative people and it's like a thunderstorm of ideas when we work together, we're like two halves of the same consciousness. i feel like I really need help but the only person i'd feel comfortable telling, is involved :(

thanks for reading, it;s been good just to write all of this down somewhere, it's been spinning about in my head for ages, driving me fucking mental.

edit; i'm already totally shit scared that he'll read this one day (which is probably an irrational fear) but i'm not going to delete it. The truth has to be told somewhere. And if you ever do, I don;t want to lose you as a friend, you mean more than pretty much anyone else.

[LoveLion]

I am an expert in the subject of relationships with friends. A expert on failing that is.

I know all to well the pain of longing over someone so close that you know you just cant have. Its like holding a hot creamy donut just out of the reach of a starving person. These kinds of things can consume you and drive you insane!

I dont really have any good advice, because every time I end up in a situation like this I end up suffering greatly no matter what I do.

Just wanted to say, I feel you. Good luck, and if it works let me know how! please!

[Nate9]

Just wanted to say, I feel you. Good luck, and if it works let me know how! please!

thank you :) I don;t think it will ever work, i think any change in the situation has to happen within me. and only then could I actually discuss this with him.

i'm writing him a song though, which seems to be helping on some level

[Angel31]

Love Lion I don't know whether your post was directed at me or nate9. But I do agree with your discription about how it feels! :( ......It really is the ultimate forbidden love!

I think I am quite lucky in that my friend did not do a runner when I told her (and i wonder why? :rolleyes: ). I have heard stories of friendships being broken beyond repair over things like this.

I think the only way to cope with it is to decide in your mind and heart that you value the friendship over any kind of intimacy that you may desire. The friendship really has to become more important...but of course this is easier said than done!

Nate9 I can see why you are worried about him reading your post. I am worried of the same thing. I am also guessing we must all feel the same on here to some degree?
I just tell myself that if she ever does read this stuff then so be it. At least she can see what I really think and feel. I have not lied or made it up. Its just the basic truth.......

[hotbicurious]

Angel- my take on this is that your friend is attracted to you, but is conflicted about her sexuality and the complications it would create for her. In her heart I think she wants you to "bring her out", but in a slow careful way that she can control. Perhaps she's been dealing with her own feelings towards women for a long time, and just now is she beginning to accept it.

You seem like a nice person and I think you need to consider what is best for yourself in this situation. You can choose to play the role she has created for you or not. If you do then it means she will have the power, and in the end you may not get what you want. To put it bluntly, from her point of view she is in the driver's seat- she enjoys your attention and attraction, but gets to turn it on and off when she starts feeling "too gay".

My own view is that what you need to do is to change the dynamic of the relationship. You should view it this way- she is the timid one, not you. She wants you but is afraid to accept this. If you are more direct and honest about being bi then you will not lose her, in fact I think it may be what she is attracted to about you. Stop looking to her for reassurances and affirmations, as that will only leave you uncertain and confused. Be who you are and she will follow.

[Chaia]

HotBiC,
I think your post was very perceptive. It does seem like Angel's friend is the timid one and is turning the relationship off when it gets "too gay." Good advice, too.

[Angel31]

I want to thank everybody so far for all your responses. But in particular Hotbicurious who i feel has hit the nail totally on the head in everyway! Chaia was right in saying you are very perceptive. Infact, I have had to read and re-read your post several times because everything is all starting to make perfect sense to me now.

I think what you say about me changing the dynamics would be the right way to approach things.
I guess if I am honest I have been scared to tell her properly what I think and feel incase it frightens her off. Yet everytime I have revealed something to her she does not seem fazed by it at all. Infact she now encourages me to tell her what I think and feel about things...Hot bi is right my honesty seems to be a validation for her to be honest......

[Angel31]

Firstly, wow..cant believe its been over a year since I wrote in this thread!...
Secondly, I am resurrecting this thread for two reasons..1.So I can post an update and 2. So that the people who may not have seen this thread have a chance too. I have noticed from dropping by this place there seems to be a lot of people in love with their 'friends'. Maybe the advice given here will help in some way...

Anyway, the update: Well, I as weird as it sounds we are both still in our bad relationships. I am still in the same position with my friend. . Infact, things are a little more intense between us, but at the same time I can cope with it. I still do love her...more than I think she will ever realise..or maybe she does. But the difference is I can cope with it a hell of a lot better... We still text, we still talk for hours on the instant messenger..infact, even more so. Every evening is spent with her. We still discuss our sexual thoughts and fantasies. Although, they are no longer that, because we know each others so well! I am still writing sexual stories for her to read and she has told me different sexual senario's...all hetrosexual encounters though.

We have had several 'encounters'. Fallen asleep after watching a film together and woken holding hands...her partner saw and teased her for weeks. We have held an embrace that lingered way beyond what friends would have...She wrapped her arms around my waist and mine were around her neck.

In the past I have had several moments where I have just wanted to end what we have...because to me it feels like we have 'something', a semi relationship that is neither 'here or there'. When I have had these wobbly moments I tell her what me and her have feels 'different' and is 'different'. She always responds with just 'Go with it..Stop questioning ...we are what we are'.

I have had moments where she does something that totally confuses me...Ie: Telling me she will flirt with me (hold my hand or nuzzle into me) infront of close friends to see what reaction they will have...She has actually done it but I really dont get why she would want to do that??

She often jokes that me and her are 'nearly' gay. Not with each other, but in general when we look at pics of female celebs..Infact 'nearly gay' seems to come up a hell of a lot of our conversations. She has even told me that if she was known as bi..at least its not as boring as being known as straight. But then a few days later she tells me she is totally straight!
She becomes jealous if I mention other female friends. Has mentioned how she feels another close female friend feels more for me that friendship. She seems genuinely annoyed when talking about this friend.
I catch her intently staring at me when she doesnt think I am looking. I have tried to lead the way and talk about different women I find attractive and she listens...although she has admitted to liking certain celebs. In the past I have tried to push and see what I can get her to talk about...nothing ever comes of it. We have talked about kissing women. I have asked if she would or could ever kiss me, at first she said 'No, we would giggle too much' Then that changed to 'I dont know'. ..so again a dead end.
We tell each other 'I love you' after every evening talking. Sometimes more than once a day...

All these things but yet...no concrete answers..

Now, you may well be wondering why I put up with this.....Why go through all this heartache? Well, I do ask myself the same question a lot too!! Sometimes I feel like a complete fool. As previous posters in this thread have have said she is clearly in the driving seat and I am just a passenger.
I will admit I do have my moments still where I feel everything becoming a little to intense for me..I shut myself off from her when this happens. Sometimes I feel I would rather not be her friend at all and suffer not seeing her. Than be in her life 24/7 like I am, longing to know if she feels the same way I do....wanting to hear her say it.....Several times she has told me she loves me more than life itself...But then does she mean this in the friendly sense?...I really dont know! :confused:

To help myself cope I have concluded that nothing will ever come of us..It would be really nice to think that sometime in the future we could share something...anything. But at the moment I dont think either of us are in the position to be having anything more that what we have...I like her being my close friend and the position I am in she is a huge support to me and me to her. Despite whatever is is going on 'between us' So, I guess in order to cope I have decided a friendship with her is far more important to me than any other relationship..I would so hate to loose her..

Any comments would be appreciated...:)

[turgid1]

I had a best friend who was gay as one of my few bi experiences. It was awesome! But that's a diff situation.
After reading all of this thread, I can't really offer any advice but I know I couldnt have resisted all this time - I would have planted one square on the the lips by now!
It does sound as if she is a bit conflicted and afraid of the consequences.

[YouronlyGoddess]

Just kiss her already! This has gone on way too long. She may not kiss you back and might have a very negative response, but that will give her some time to think about it how it was. Then perhaps you can try again another time. From everything you have said, she wants it she just won't admit it.

If you go for it, don't let her initial repsonse upset you. It seems to be pretty much expected. What happens behind closed doors in no one else's business. I personally don't agree with both of you still being in your bad hetero relationships, but nothing on earth is perfect, right?

Good luck. Can't wait to hear what happens. :bigrin:

[DiamondDog]

Find someone else, a man or a woman, who's not a tease or a flake, and who is secure in themselves.

Someone who wants you and likes you for who you are and who actually wants sex/a relationship with you.

This has nothing to do with you, it's all her issues.

If she really is bi she's not ready to face or accept it, and there's nothing that you can do to help her along as this is something that she herself must do.

It's been a year and she's clearly not interested or anything and even when you've given her chances she doesn't take them.

Just sit back and watch as there's nothing else that you can do.

I too have a male friend like your friend that's a big tease, who flirts with me, who wants me but might not know it, and who asks me for sex but says he's "straight" and then won't do anything when I say OK to having sex.

I've since given up on him and moved onto other bi/gay men who are secure in themselves and who know what they want and who like me for who I am.

[Angel31]

Thanks for responding everyone ;)

DiamondDog, thats exactly how it feels sometimes. Like she is being a tease..flirting with me to see how far the both of us can go without actually doing anything. Pushing things as far as she can take them, then taking a step back when things get too much.

Maybe she is bi, maybe she isnt. I am thinking she does have some bi feelings..Maybe not for me. She has admitted to me that she has had feelings in the past for a lesbian friend she used to know. I asked her why she didnt make a move. She said she was scared of the reaction. I asked if her friend had kissed her. What would she have done. She says 'Kiss her back of course, but just that nothing else'....

I dont think she is ready to explore any feelings she may have. When I bring the 'bi' subject up and say I would like to understand myself. She always says I am 'To much of a deep thinker' or 'Why do I need to know'. Its like she thinks I should bury what I feel, dont think about it and go with whatever. But it doesnt work like that. Not when feelings are involved. Maybe, she is happy to drift along flirting and being in this psuedo-relationship we have. But, I am not...I need more.

Don't get me wrong, I havent found it easy..no way. When I first realised I felt something for her I made myself sick with worry. I found it hard to face. How could I fancy a girl, let alone my best friend! But as time has gone on I have thought about what I feel and wanted to explore these feelings further. I am not at the stage where I am ready to tell people....I dont know if I ever will be. But if the opportunity came up in the future to explore that side of myself I would take it.

I do deserve to be loved....by either a man or woman. With my situation as it is I know deep down what I should do. I have tried it several times. . So, many times I have backed away and tried to seperate myself from her. But she always comes back wanting to know why I am being so quiet....Has she done something wrong..blah blah... The problem is that we are so close I cant back away without her noticing, then it affecting my friendship with her...I'm between a rock and a hard place.:(