opening up

[Gaius]

Hi everybody,
I am rather new here, and so far I am very happy to have found a place to hear and share. In short I am a bisexual man, married to a straight woman. She is aware of my sexuality pretty much from the start. We have been talking recently about opening the boundaries of our monogamy.

She is afraid of me falling in love with another man/woman. I can understand this fear, altough I think it unlikely as I am still very much in love with her. I heard from others that you have to set rules, which seems fair enough. The thing is I really don't know where to start. Which rules have you employed that made you feel safer in such a situation ? What do you wish you had done if begginig again ?

[BareProf]

Gaius,

My wife and I used to be swingers. The encounters there were always "just sex." This is pretty much the standard in swingers' world. There are always exceptions, often a supposedly straight wife will fall in love with a bisexual or gay woman and leave her husband. But it's rare. My wife, when we first talked of swinging (both are bi) didn't want to share me. More often than not I was the one sharing her as I watched, loving it.

Start slowly, always agree on the single or couple before meeting them for a drink or dinner then freely discuss your thoughts about him/her/them after. Communicate, don't cheat. You may find your explorations improve the excitement in your marriage. Keep in touch.

Davie, Florida, USA

[Hypersexual11]

Welcome Gaius. I think if her only concern is falling in love, I suggest avoid seeing a sex partner more than once a month and keep it to sex. We had a long term fuck buddy, in the beginning we were seeing him for sex every other week and for skiing or dinner about every week. I noticed my wife starting to get a little too comfy with him. I mentioned it to her, and we simply backed off to every other month or so. Then it was fine for quite awhile.

When I came out to my wife, we agreed to see men in mmf situations. We jumped in with both feet, no rules, no boundaries and just went for it. We learned some things and made some minor changes. Overall though, since my wife has very few sexual boundaries and we are both uninhibited, balls out worked fine for us. It's more important than a typed statement can stress but communicate. Make sure you are aware of her concerns and get her to open up by asking specific questions. It's a tough subject to talk about. "how would you feel about me and another guy trying to cram both our cocks in your pussy?" See, my wife and I never had that talk. Fortunately, she loves 2 cocks in her pussy, but what if she freaked out? Best to know before just doing it.

Good luck and have fun. Finding a guy for you can be a really fun game as long as you are aware of the frustrations and let downs. People, for the most part, suck. Sorry, that's just how it is.

[NMCowboys]

If your wife is worried about you falling in love with another woman or man, it's simple: Don't have an open marriage or have sex with other people and stay monogamous.

[virginia123]

This is for NMCowboys: You seem to me to have a very negative opinion about all the many and various things you comment about on this site. I am not on this site to read negative opinions all the time. I do my best to not judge other people and their actions. However, I am making a judgment in your case. Since your negative opinions are not what I am wanting here, I have decided to not read any of your forum threads or your posts. In my opinion its really too bad you have such a negative outlook on life, you are missing out on a lot.

[NMCowboys]

My post is not negative, it's the truth even if it's a very difficult reality for some people to accept.

The truth is that an open relationship or open marriage is not going to work at all unless both people want to have an open relationship or open marriage. If one person wants to be monogamous or is agreeing to the open relationship or open marriage just to please their partner it's not going to work and it will just end the relationship or marriage.

[HappyHedonic]

Hi Gaius,

My wife and I opened up our marriage after I came out to her as bisexual. It works for us. Our marriage is stronger today than it was before we opened it. There will be some people who will say that open marriages don't work. I obviously will disagree with such an absolutist statement, but I will agree that an open marriage will require a lot of work. Polyamory is not for sissies!

Some excellent resources to check out-

Books: The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, Opening Up by Tristen Taormino

Links: http://www.morethantwo.com/ http://www.theinnbetween.net/poly1.html http://polyweekly.com/ http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com/?zx=7f068be5bdf768c6 http://www.successfulnonmonogamy.com/v1/

My wife and I didn't set rules. Rules are authoritative and made to be broken. Instead we have agreements, which are mutual and honored. If I was beginning this all over again I would have done it sooner (in life) rather than coming into it later.

Hope that helps,
-Happy Hedonic