How many lovers do you think a person should have before settling down with one?

[Meliss]

I've never really done much dating. When ever I was unattached it seemed that someone became my companion rather effortlessly on my part. However couple that with being relatively easy to get along with I have not had that many relationships. How many people did you have to date before you felt you had sampled what else was out there and you could be content without feeling you may have forever missed out on my mind blowing position or compatabilty? In other words do you feel you would need 1 lover in a life time or a million?

[Realist]

I'm a poor one to ask! In my past, I was often unable to discern what was best for me. I've had some remarkable relationships and a few friends with benefits, but often left ones I should have stayed with, to be with someone who was not compatible.

But, looking back, the happiest, most comfortable, and gratifying relationship of all, was with a married couple.

From this I've learned that I would always need both genders. It was a mistake for me to ever think I could settle for one, or the other.

[Plumhead2]

Oh, Meliss, I don't think that there really is a correct answer to your question. First of all, I don't think that in long-term relationships you should "settle" down or up! I think that you stop dating when you find that one right person. And you know it not only in your mind, but more importantly in your heart. So whether you find that person on the first date or after many mistakes with partners, or with your last breath, don't settle and keep on searching. I had numerous serious relationships in my life, and two failed marriages before I met the love of my life at the age of 49. We have been together for 13 years now and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. You stop dating when you find the right person. Good luck, my dear.

[darkeyes]

There may or may not be a right answer I would prefer to say.. for some there is, for some not.. we may or may not find the right person but most of us at some time than not we will believe we have... and more often than not if break ups and divorces are anything to go by, we will have done nothing of the sort... I have thought it and most of u too prob.. and I have fallen flat on me face in one way or t'otha..

..and actually Plum, Meliss didn't speak of giving up dating.. or even other lovers.. though I expect that is what she was inferring.. however, she didn't specifically mention it but spoke of settling down with someone.. we can settle down without giving up dating or having lovers can we not?? Even honestly and above board...so depending on the people involved in any relationship it may not be necessary.. it is even questionable whether it is advisable, but such are the demands of society that is what is expected of us if we are to be considered decent, moral and upstanding... pretty boring too, but that's how it is....and most (by no means all) will stray in the end, usually dishonestly behind the back of the partner.... sometimes the relationship will survive no matter what, sometimes, arguably most often, not... so the question has a number of strands and it has no easy answer... it prob has a million and one answers all different for every single one of us.....:)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Why should a person have to "Settle"? And its my belief that a person can have as many lovers or playmates as they like (And yes, there Is a difference between a lover and a playmate). Have as much fun while you can and as Often as you can. Life is too fleeting, Babygirl. Have fun, play safe, always..:}
Cat.

[darkeyes]

Why should a person have to "Settle"? And its my belief that a person can have as many lovers or playmates as they like (And yes, there Is a difference between a lover and a playmate). Have as much fun while you can and as Often as you can. Life is too fleeting, Babygirl. Have fun, play safe, always..:}
Cat.
Dont think ne1 is saying we do have to settle... but most peeps feel the need at some stage in ther lives but not every 1 by ne means, Cat.. am all for the having of as much fun as often as we can, babes.... whether or not we settle down with ne 1...:impleased Settling with a partner doesn't mean we are neutered after all... tho some think maybe we shud be:cutelaugh... trouble wiv settling is that after a while all 2 many begin 2 get unsettled...:(

[theartofcontrol]

Somewhere in between 1 and 99 what ever works out for you.

[Visexual]

I've been married for almost 42 years and couldn't imagine ever living with anyone else. When she joined me in some swinging, I never thought about cheating on her. Now she's just not that interested in sex at all and I do have sex with select men. I don't with women because I know she'd understand about the men but not other women. If she suddenly became sexually active again and her clitoris grew into a nice cock, well, I could be monogamous! LOL!

[dickhand]

This brings up the question about monogomy being unnatural from the get go . That question aside , as many as you like . Would recommend as many as you can ! You should never grow old regretting what you didn't do , or who you didn't do . lol

[12voltyV2.0]

Well--I have never "settled down" in that I have never married--even though I came close a few times. I have had many lovers now over the years--honestly----I have lost count with the number of both women and men I have been with and I do intend upon continuing getting with new people as long as I can do anything sexual before I leave this "mortal coil."

It's not that I am any kind of promiscuous person----while I have had many lovers now--it seems for me that being with people runs in bunches---I will be with one person and we will have a lot of great sex--or I get with a number of people in a short period of time and we have sex--then I might not be with anyone sexually for months or even years--I have actually had "a major drought" and did not get with anyone sexually for nearly a decade--so for me its sort of a case of "feast or famine."

I don't think that I could really be able to "settle down" with one person--it's not that I am this big sexually ravenous person---its more a matter that if I like someone---along with doing the things going along with friendship---I would like to get sexually intimate with them---and that goes with ladies for sure and now---with a man if he so likes to do that too--and I do hope that any guy I become friends with--he wants us to have sex too.

[jamieknyc]

I'm not really the right person to answer this question, having gotten married at a young age. But it seems to me that there is no 'right' number of lovers to have. Do what works for you.

[12voltyV2.0]

I have to agree with Jaime---there is really no way to set any certain number that works for all people---we all are such individuals and our lives work out in such varied ways. It is simply not possible to set some arbitrary, hard and fast number of this sort that would be best for everyone.

[innaminka]

No correct answer.
It's what your life has presented you with - Like Forrest's box of chocolate.

What suits one will not suit another. Just do what you think is right.

[Dunmor]

one or one hundred, it may not make a difference, plus having a lover or someone whom you have had a sexual relationship with, even for a few minutes, is only a small part of the equation when deciding to settle down...right? So there may not be a correct answer

[Plumhead2]

Well, Meliss, after all these posts, has this discussion helped you with your question? Do you think that you have sampled enough of what is out there? I know that relationships are different with different people. I am always curious about what it would be like to be in a relationship with people I meet, but I also know enough to appreciate the one I'm with.

[Meliss]

I certain desire more relationships. The trick is to have my own fun without upsetting anyone elses applecarts. I want more touching and affection. Problem is I want what I want when i want it... It is safer just to toy with it I guess.

[BareProf]

I would liked to have had more, both sexes. My current wife had 11 men before me, added 13 more (a mix of men and women) while we were swinging. I've had twenty five (a mix, heavy on the female side) but I regret that most were one night flings.

[robert4friends]

I don't believe there is a number. That isn't how it works. I have tried finding someone who was good for me and my future. That did not work out so well either. At the moment I think it comes to 2 things being in place. The person must be someone you love and who loves you. That is much more difficult than most of us realize, and most of us find it very rare. The extra degree of difficulty is, at minimum, 2 fold.

First we need to be adult enough to know that love is not a feeling. It is a commitment. Don't you just hate that word? You don't decide on this commitment, you just do it. You are there for the good times and fight for them in bad times. Nurse them when sick. Protect when in danger. The thought of what it may cost you doesn't ever enter your mind. You do it almost on instinct. Yet you don't smother, you being in that persons life actually sets them free. When that comes from your heart it feels good later. The emotion is a reaction to life and feels comforting and warm. The hormone drive to produce a family has nothing to do with love. That is the exciting, driven feeling mistaken for love. It is why when the family is raised the relationship is over. So many made this mistake and end up alone in there 50-60s, like me.

Second, you need to find someone who's idea of love matches yours? When you say I love you does that person hear what you mean for them to hear. Communication is like that, words do not mean the same thing to each person. If you give more than you receive you will become depleted, used up and unhappy. If you take more than you receive your partner becomes depleted and unhappy. If might swing from one side to the other as the years go by but it must always balance in the end.

I guess it comes down to magic that two people ever find each other. I have been loved once and I am grateful.

[Annika L]

Suppose the perfect person for you who can meet all of your needs for a lifetime just happens to be the fifth person you date...but you've decided you won't settle down until you've sampled at least n = 10. Is this smart?

Don't focus on numbers. Focus on what you want in a partner. When you find that, that person is the one you want.

By the way, there is no such thing as "the perfect person for you who can meet all of your needs for a lifetime". They don't call settling down "settling" for nothing. It may not feel like settling in the first year, or five, or 20...but eventually, at some point, you'll inevitably start wanting some of those qualities that your ideal partner doesn't have. So getting caught up in making sure you know who's out there, so you can optimize is actually playing a sort of fool's game from all kinds of perspectives.